The Omen (1976)

The film that single-handedly caused kids named Damien to get bullied at school, the Omen is a 1970’s suspense/horror film that relies on mood and pace to elicit an eerie sense of dread in the viewer. Gregory Peck is utterly believable as the Senator with an evil little shit for a son.
Throw in horror convention, a creepy nanny, a house that lacks life and a biblical poem and you have a classic that looks dated but still manages to shock and entertain. Goldsmith's score adds an extra layer of eerie.

4 kitchen utensils out of 5

Che: Part One (2008)

People are afraid to criticise political films in case they’re accused of being unsympathetic or biased. I care not. The truth is, as a film experience Che fails to present a satisfying linear narrative. It feels like a collection of moments in time stitched arbitrarily together. It’s both an incomplete history lesson that teaches almost nothing about the revolution and a biopic that fails to present its protagonist in an interesting manner. I was left not caring about either aspect and lost interest quickly.

2½ beards, cigars and man-hugs out of 5

THE EVES [2011]

What a gargantuas piece of shit.

There's the sensitive pretty girl.  The boring nice guy.  The pervert douchebag.  The sexy cold bitch.  The quiet nerdy guy. The ditzy boob-bouncing blond.  The wacky idiot.  ...and they're all white.

They have camping gear and lots of beer, so naturally their vehicle breaks down in the middle of nowhere and---...you get the rest.

The small leaves stamp on the poster means shit all.  SHIT ALL.  

½ mine eyes out of 5

WELCOME TO THE RILEYS [2010]

Director Jake Scott (son of Ridley & nephew of Tony) takes us into the dreary world of a post-Katrina New Orleans in Welcome To The Rileys.

In this quiet character driven drama a broken father attempts to heal the wounds left by his daughter's death by fathering a troubled teenage prostitute.  I don't think this would ever happen in real life without violence or hostility but it's an interesting premise none the less.  The subtly slow character reveals and wonderful performances from all three leads help the viewer the believe in the situation.  

3½ waffle men out of 5

THE OTHER F WORD [2011]

What happens when you live against authority only to become an authority figure yourself?

Punk rock fathers are the subject of The Other F Word.  It goes deep into conversation with members of Pennywise, Black Flag, Devo, blink-182, The Vandals and many more, covering touchy subjects such as their own abusive or non-existant dads, to struggling to be a good parent while juggling a music career on the road. It's funny, thoughtful, grounding and packs an emotional punch I wasn't prepared for.  I never wanted to see these guys get teary eyed or choked up...but by the end I respected them all that much more.

3½ games of catch the dirty diaper out of 5

Let the Right One In (2008)

Aka: Låt den Rätte Komma In

Slow and moody horror from Sweden that’s unlike anything I’d ever encountered before. Young Oskar, a troubled 12 year old boy, forms a friendship with a neighbouring girl his own age or thereabouts. Her influence helps his situation. His fascination helps her in other ways.
It’s an intelligent dark fairytale grounded in real life and it’s beautiful from beginning to end. It credits the audience with the ability to work things out for themselves and is all the better for it.
The two young leads are simply amazing.

5 -... .-.. --- --- -..   .- -. -..   ... -. --- .-- out of 5

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

The promise of the Venom symbiote entering the Spidey world got fans in a fap-tizzy prior to the release of film number three, myself included, but it's a huge disappointment. It appears from nowhere and has no motivation. Elsewhere some new characters are similarly devoid of back-story to leave more time for lengthy action scenes that'll please the action junkie or your twelve-year-old niece. Peter has some excellent scenes in a film that almost got the square button half-way through.

2 pills for Jameson out of 5

Spider-Man 2.1 (2004)

The first of the Spidey sequels strives to be more mature and less comic-booky in approach. Peter is dealing with his emotions in the aftermath of the first film. His movements while in costume are confident. His life out of costume is complicated. It's a more engaging story. The baddie is menacing while retaining a certain amount of relatable, human flaws. Even ninety percent of the action sequences are good times. And best of all there's less needy-whore Mary Jane. Director Raimi has fun with a hospital scene that'll have Evil Dead fans smiling and clapping with one hand.

4 sticky wrists out of 5

Spider-Man (2002)

High school science nerd by day, costumed superhero without pockets by night, Peter Parker has the worst of both worlds. The balance of action and characterisation could be better, but it's still damn good fun.
Casting is the biggest problem. Tobey Maguire is good as Peter, and J. K. Simmons is the perfect personification of J. Jonah Jameson, but the rest of the cast are either simmering just above average or downright irritating. If viewed as an essential set-up for the next film, it's easier to forgive its flaws.

3 reasons I'd let that bitch fall out of 5

Forming Game (2008)

An animated short that blew me away the first time I saw it. It’s an abstract montage of sound and shapes dancing on a screen in perfect harmony. Together they suggest form and function without explicitly settling on any one thing. It’s hard to put into words. If you enjoy it, watch the making of feature for an even deeper appreciation of the creative process.

5 dreams from a box out of 5

THE LAST AIRBENDER [2010]

After a slew of box office flops that were critically panned as well, it makes me wonder how writer/director M. Night Shyamalan ever got the gig of adapting the Nickelodeon cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender into a big budget feature film.

You would have thought the producers would have at least watched over the entire production making sure Shyamalan doesn't fuck up.  Apparently they didn't, because did he ever fuck up.  

He void the story of any sort of soul, personality or fun.  Instead it's a boring, yet flashy, mess that's riddled with horrible acting and dialogue.  

1 I fell asleep for 20 minutes....did I miss anything good? out of 5

OPERATION: ENDGAME [2010]

A fantastic ensemble cast makes up the comically and ridiculously violent thriller Operation: Endgame.

Sadly that's about all this film has going for it, as each and every single character is despicable and once the plot starts it never really develops into much.

One thing I found fun, despite what the poster art depicts, there's only one gun in the entire film and it's not loaded.  Each character is hilariously killed by something you'd find at an Office Depot.  

2½ footprints of blood out of 5

THE HAPPENING [2008]

M. Night Shyamalan's crafted some well-made B-movies since The Sixth Sense but it wasn't until The Happening that the "joke" wore off.

The viewer is assaulted with bad acting, writing, direction and so many bad bumps and flaws in the pacing it's embarrassing.  It might have greatly benefited from not being so quick to reveal itself and an ensemble cast to give it more of a "bad disaster" flick but instead we're only left to give a rat's ass about Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel.   Fuck that.  They're about as fun as watching a tree grow and do scary tree stuff....whic really isn't that scary.

1 watch out for that plant! out of 5

EASY A [2010]

The silly and predictable cinematic ode to John Hughes, Easy A is carried by Emma Stone's dryly comedic performance along with a host of great supporting characters to back her up. In fact the whole time I was thinking "this reminds me of Friends With Benefits with it's awesome supporting characters and really trivial plot".  Turns out it was the same director, Will Gluck.
It's not a complete waste of time due to some great laughs but in the end it never adds up to much and makes you wish you'd revisited the John Hughes classics instead.

2½ Homosexual comparisons to Huck Finn out of 5

LADY IN THE WATER [2006]

M. Night Shyamalan's "bedtime story" Lady In The Water is a universally panned film that I find hard not liking.  

Sure it's got an uneven plot, questionable dialogue and terribly written characters, but the mood, performances and music are great.  Shyamalan had balls to make a film like this when the big thing in mainstream cinema were manboy superheros and boy wizards.  It's nothing more than wide-eyed storytelling that serves it's purpose in entertainment.

3 giant fap-arms out of 5

MISS NOBODY [2010]

D-movie director Tim Cox brings us twisted & bubbly comedy in Miss Nobody.  Leslie Bibb is wonderful as a Amelie-esque character who gets a taste for murder, when trying to climb the corporate ladder.  There's a couple of good chuckles here and there but after about 30 minutes the joke wears thin and never really goes anywhere.  

The poster promised blood and not a single drop is ever seen.  *grumbles*  Oh well.  At least Bibb was ridiculously cute.

2 unlucky umbrellas out of 5

THE VILLAGE [2004]

M. Night Shyamalan knows how to create creepy moods and atmosphere with great effect and that's pretty much what saves The Village from being a complete disaster.

It has moments of strained and awkward dialogue, silly plot elements that are handled poorly and an "surprise" ending that I saw coming from about 20 minutes into the film.  However the photography, music and performances are wonderful and make it all the worthwhile.

3 bright red bad out of 5

THE SWITCH [2010]

Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston star in The Switch, a light-hearted romantic film from the goofs that wrote and directed Blades Of Glory.

You know exactly how it's all going to play out the instant you hear what the premise is but for some reason it's still passable for the performances, particularly Jeff Goldblum.   Not really a great film but at least it's not fucking Julia Roberts.

2 cum in a cups out of 5

SIGNS [2002]

Writer/director M. Night Shyamalan lightens up a bit with a heavy dose of skittish paranoid humor in the alien invasion thriller Signs.

With some interesting camera work, enjoyable performances, startling moments and fantastic music, Signs is a joy to watch even if it does slap you in the ass with some groan worthy moments.   It doesn't leave enough to the imagination to make it fully effective as the perfect blend of humor and thrills that it tries to be.  

3 tinfoil hats out of 5

Swordfish (2001)

Travolta embarrasses himself with a silly line of hair on his chin. Everyone else has to work a little harder at it, but still manage to embarrass themselves one way or another. Hugh Jackman uses a keyboard like the rest of us play air guitar. Don’t be fooled, there are no fish in the film. It's a Joel Silver production, so there are some boring explosions and dumb plot threads flaffing in the wind. Don't watch sober.

2 ball-bearing jackets out of 5

Mystic River (2003)

Eastwood assembled a great cast for this moody drama about three kids whose lives are forever connected due to an event in their past. Years later they are reunited in the same place. The acting is wonderful, and it was a joy to see something with old-school filmmaking values not reliant on modern camera trickery, but the story does drag on a bit at times.

3½ hurried beginnings with the wrong hair out of 5

UNBREAKABLE [2000]

Strange things always seem to occur to people that never smile in mysterious thrillers written & directed by M. Night Shyamalan.  

Unbreakable is a quiet and moody ode to comic books that reunites Bruce Willis & Samuel L. Jackson for a third time.  It takes us through a murky, dreary analogy of comic books and the real world...or at least the real world that is Shyamalan's imagination.  Set up like an origin story for a super-hero it makes you wonder what other stories any potential sequels would explore.  It might not be as tightly wound or paced as The Sixth Sense but it's probably my favorite of Shyamalan's films.

4 bright colors are always Bad News Bears out of 5

Yakuza: Like a Dragon (2007)

aka: Ryu ga Gotoku Gekijoban / Like a Dragon

I almost jizzed myself when I found it existed because Like a Dragon is based on the 2005 PlayStation 2 game Ryū ga Gotoku (Yakuza). I love the series. Sadly, it lacks the game's pathos and energy and offers almost nothing to viewers who haven’t revelled in its intricacies. The characters receive no back-story, their motivations are vague and their relationships are empty.
For game fans, you’ll see all your favourites, Kazuma, Majima, Haruka and, of course, the real life Kamurocho, but everyone else might want to stay clear unless you're a real Miike fan.

2 heat actions out of 5

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN [2007]

The Coen Brothers take us through another nihilistic and violent world in the western noir film No Country For Old Men faithfully based off of Cormac McCarthy's novel of the same name.

Feeling like a throwback to Blood Simple, The Coens masterfully create tension, broodiness and an underlying killer sense of humor in this tale about fate and circumstance.  It's ruthless, disturbing, hypnotizing and all around great filmmaking at it's finest.

5 #114 out of 5

Le Ballon Rouge (1956)

aka The Red Balloon

A charming short film about a young boy named Pascal (Pascal Lamorisse) who finds a red balloon on the streets of Ménilmontant, Paris. With very little in the way of spoken dialogue, the story follows the youth as he travels with the balloon (and it with him) to and from school, encountering people who watch in wonder as the duo pass by, and some who seethe with envy.
Dir. Albert Lamorisse captures a time and place with the skill of a documentary filmmaker and the eye of a painter. Beautifully framed from beginning to end and lasting just over thirty-four minutes, it can be enjoyed at face value by the very young, but further appreciated by adults for its deeper themes.

3½ window exits out of 5

All The Queen's Men (2001)

All The Queen's Men has the world record for the worst cost to profit ratio in film history, costing $634 for every $1 it made.
On paper, it's easy to see why. Matt LeBlanc leads a team of losers parachuted into Nazi Germany to steal an Engima machine while dressed as women. It should suck giant greasy monkey balls. It doesn't. It's actually quite good, with a clever script, strong characters, an unflinching look at war, a good eye for history, and, by the way, funny.

4 cypher rotors out of 5.
Wait? Was that Udo Keir? Oh shit, it totally was.

Twelve O'Clock High (1949)

While still in use as a training film for the United States Air Force Academy on the issues and perils of command, Twelve O’Clock High works equally well on examining the issues and perils of Dominance and submission. Set early in the air war over Europe, Gregory Peck is appointed commander of a flagging bomber squadron, whom he proceeds to make his bitch until they beg for more.
As a bonus, there is Millard Mitchell as General Pritchard and his unintentionally creepy fetish for destruction.
Starts a little slow, but once Peck gets his head into Dom Space, sit back and enjoy the delicious battle of wills.

4 drinks at the Officers Club out of 5.

The Hunt For Red October (1990)

Tom Clancy's classic work of military industrial complex porn has been humanized with actual characters, who have depth, arcs, relatable behavior, and most importantly, subtlety. The proceedings get off to a quick start and the pace doesn't slow down until the end credits. This is a conventional Hollywood studio film that earns its stripes the old fashioned way, with clean, solid, professional work on all levels.

4 pings Vasili. 4 pings only out of 5

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Oliver Stone makes political films; NBK is different in approach only. It explores the controlling nature of the media through a violent journey filled with themes of incest, sexual abuse, murder and corruption. It’s a film-lovers film, full of quick cuts, emotive lighting, and utilising eighteen different types of film stock to achieve a canvas of chaotic satire that lets up for just a moment - that moment becomes the pivot upon which the film revolves. It helped make Woody Harrelson the man he is today.

4 snake tongues and shotguns out of 5

The Skeleton Key (2005)

I saw The Skeleton Key when it first came out because I was bored, and was fairly disappointed. The film has not improved upon re-watching.

There's one scene that's delightfully horrifying when you think about it, but other than that, it's just a really mediocre movie. There's nothing offensively bad about it, but it's frequently boring, and that's usually the biggest sin a movie can make. Kate Hudson is known for starring in rom-coms, and this movie is sort of a rom-com of horror movies. Predictable, characters acting like idiots, and no time devoted to the things that would actually be interesting. At least the scenery is nice.

1.5 special bowls of gumbo out of 5.

The Innocents (1961)

The Turn of the Screw is one of the best ghost stories of all time because it's not quite a ghost story. It's a story that might be about ghosts, or might be about a woman going mad and taking children down with her. The Innocents captures that strange, paranoid energy perfectly, presenting things in such a way that the viewer can make up their own mind.

This movie represents the best things about horror in the 60s. It's moody and spooky, using black and white to great effect. There are a few special effects, but they're used sparingly, with more focus given to the characters and atmosphere. The performances are great, even the kids, and it does justice to its source material. As much as I love gore, sometimes I think I prefer old horror flicks, and movies like this are why.

4 oh willow walys out of 5.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Blair Witch is an incredibly challenging movie to rate, because watching it back in the 90s was a completely different experience than sitting down with it today. I vividly remember trying to reason why this movie couldn't be real as I tried to fall asleep, but it's not just that the movie's long been debunked. It's been aped so much since that it feels cliche where it once felt fresh, dull when it once was fascinating.

It hasn't stood the test of time, but there's a part of me that still likes it a lot. It feels more real than your average found footage film - maybe because it's so amateurish, but I like that authenticity. The camera work gives me a headache, but nostalgia or not, the movie still has its charms.

2.5 hanging stickmen out of 5.

What the Peeper Saw (1972)

The great thing about Italian horror is that it's always nice to look at, even if the movie itself isn't all that appealing. This is mostly your standard evil kiddie flick, and it would have veered into dull territory several times if it hadn't been visually interesting. At some points, this was so cringeworthy I didn't even want to look at the screen, but the cinematography remained excellent.

The performances are hit or miss - Mark Lester was disturbing, but I wasn't that impressed with the rest of the cast. I think this would have been a two for me if not for the ending, which was so terrifically weird that it elevated the entire film for me. I can't recommend this because of some of its more unpleasant scenes, but I don't regret watching it.

2.5 daydreams in the pool out of 5.

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III [1990]

My favorite of the three as I am a sucker for western settings and some of the missing charm of Part 2 returns, particularly in this one's Biff character. While he is still homicidal, he does it with the doofus sensibility that Part 2 lacked. And the western setting gives more room for both time travel consequences and time travel jokes which is good. Some of the rationalizations for the time machine itself are a bit convenient, but the plot wouldn't exist without them, so I'll let it slide. There is a visible formula showing, but the writers must have at least been partly aware of it as they make jokes about the series itself at times. New setting, solid formula and a nice pithy maxim at the end.

4½ A scientist who can't make his own gas out of 5

Nutted by IMPUDENT URINAL

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON [2010]

Loosely based on the children's novels by Cressida Cowell, Dreamwork's animated How To Train Your Dragon soars far higher than their previous efforts.

With a fantastic combination of heart and humor Dragon flys high with bright colors, characters and some truly breathtaking flight scenes.  It suffers from a few minor bumps in the road but manages to stick close to the heart of the story.

Highly recommended for anyone who's ever fallen in love with a pet. 

4 "Fish heads. Fish heads. Eat them up. Yum" out of 5

Blade II (2002)

About 50% of Blade II is devoted to noisy and nauseating fight scenes that get boring fast. Consequently, the other 50% leaves characterisation time almost nil. Everything that happens is much too convenient. There’s this guy and this other guy comes along and then ninjas and then this new guy needs a scene so he can get in a ten minute fight later.
The only joys I got from it was seeing Donnie Yen in bad eye-liner and recognising things that were clearly a trial run for Del Toro’s far superior Hellboy films.
I should mention also that, beyond all reasoning, Luke Goss was surprisingly very good.

2 doses of suckpuppy nut juice out of 5

Constantine (2005)

What it is vs. what it isn't? It isn't the comic onscreen. It has very little in common with the source material, and the blond Brit with the coat has become the dark-haired Keanu with the wrong coat. What they kept was the name and the cigarettes. Despite that, the film paints its own version of a world with confident strokes that feel believable even when things get mystical. It never strays into self-parody, and it never treats its subject matter as trite.
Ultimately, it's not the film I was expecting or hoping for, but it's one that justified its lack of faithfulness by being well-crafted. It deserved a sequel because the character had more to say.

3½ allegorical ant farms out of 5

The Golden Compass (2007)

I thought the book that GC was based on was highly overrated; the film isn't any better. It’s a colourful mess that oozes money but lacks soul. It feels rushed and unloved. The awful set-up for the sequels that never came is embarrassingly unabashed. Dakota Blue Richards impresses as Lyra, but the character is, like the world she inhabits, much too underdeveloped for us to connect with. The danger level stutters along at a weary pace, never reaching a level where we begin to doubt that the good guys will win. It’s a children’s adventure story so perhaps the very young, the real target audience, will be more forgiving than I am.

2 bears with no hangover sore head out of 5

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II [1989]

Picks up exactly where Part 1 left off with Doc whisking Marty off onto another adventure with new settings and some that overlap with scenes of the first film (It is time travel after all). The overlap might confuse stupid people, but I think it was handled very well. The often cheesy far future scenes are some of the most recognizable in cinema and there is some editing that must have been a technical pain before digital. Despite that, I find this installment less charming than part 1, but it still gains points for being part of a classic trilogy and the technical aspects.

4 Fuck cancer cure. Where is my hoverboard, Science? out of 5

Nutted by IMPUDENT URINAL

AMERICAN REUNION [2012]

The entire cast of the first three American Pie films are back in American Reunion.  13 years later and there's gray hairs, more wrinkles and the risk of getting stale.  After some forced "nostalgic" scenes and cheesy "where are they now" bits, the film gets on with it's lowbrow gross-out trademark comedy.  Depending on your maturity level, you'll either laugh or despise it.  It provides enough gut-busting chuckles but in the end doesn't add up to much.  Like the tired Scream series, this is for fans only.

2½ see through pot lids out of 5

Candyman (1992)

I'll forever hold a grudge against Candyman for not living up to my childhood memories of it. It's a well-made, well-acted movie with a few very good scenes, but as a whole, it's just not that effective. It has a solid start and an interesting premise, but the writers seem to lose the plot early on, and never explore the most compelling story elements.

Tony Todd is terrific, and succeeds at making The Candyman iconic even when the script fails him. If not for him and Virginia Madsen, I'm not sure anyone would even remember this one. If it had been a better movie, he'd be considered one of the all-time greats. Candyman fails on a lot of levels, but makes the grade in a number of other ways, and I think it's worth watching at least once.

3 would be better without the tacked on second ending out of 5.

Dead End (2003)

I really wanted to like this movie more than I did. It's a fairly simple movie with a great cast, and usually, that's more than enough for me. However, I felt like I was waiting the entire movie for something to click, and it never did. I was mostly bored, which I hate to say about any film starring Ray Wise.

I'm not sure why this wasn't able to surpass it's flaws. Sure, it's derivative and predictable, but that's true of lots of horror movies. There's a lot of nothing happening with dull dialogue, and when stuff does happen, the behavior of characters is headsmackingly ridiculous. There are some nice scenes, but as a whole, I thought this was a disappointment. It's gotten some praise for things I loathed about it, so maybe it's just me.

2 I hope they named Ray Wise's wife Laura on purpose out of 5.

The Night Child (1975)

If you blended The Exorcist with The Omen and added a healthy helping of camp (for flavor), you'd probably wind up with The Night Child. It isn't on par with the best of the 70s evil kid films, but it definitely has its own charms. I can see why its star, Nicoletta Elmi, was once a darling of Italian horror cinema.

It takes a while for The Night Child to get going, and it's wildly uneven even after it picks up, but there was still something I really liked about it. When we weren't seeing cheeseball special effects, it felt dreamlike in the most wonderful of ways, and I loved all the shots of the old village. A good editor and some more subtle special effects could have made this great, but even with its flaws, it's a pretty neat watch.

3 little redheaded girls puffing on cigarettes out of 5.

THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED [2009]

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed is a twisty n' turny British thriller that's based purely off the fantastic performances of the three leads.    It's got enough double crossing and change of plans (nearly every 5 minutes) to really keep you guessing but never really leads anywhere emotionally.  I suspect it's a wonderful film first time around but doesn't offer much in repeat viewings, other than the acting. 

3 empty bullet shells out of 5

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS [2010]

Director Edward Zwick takes a bit of a turn for himself in the romantic drama genre with Love & Other Drugs.

Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal have a fantastic chemistry together, that I fear without them, the whole film might have fallen apart.  The story is predictable, although there are some interesting new elements thrown into the tired formula, but the relationship between the two is so well written it kept my interest.  It's not everyday a film perfectly captures an adult relationship like this and not come off as overly phony.

Not a great film but in the end, you realize it could have been A LOT worse.

3 crutch drugs out of 5

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR [2010]

Jesus fuck.  Where to start?

It's bad.  Just really, really bad.  Not even "so bad it's good" bad.  Just bad.  The novelty of how horrible it is wears off within 20 minutes.  

There's some homages to Hitchcock's style of shooting exterior shots that perked my interest for a second or two but even then it was a mere few seconds.

If you're going to subject yourself to this shit, do yourself a favor and seek out the RiffTrax commentary.

At least you'll get a few chuckles out of that.

½ coat hanger out of 5

MACGRUBER [2010]

I almost always loathe SNL cast member films, so I didn't expect to enjoy Will Forte's MacGruber film at all.

I was pleasantly surprised.  

Instead of trying to stretch out the MacGuyver parody sketch into 1½ hours, the film goes for more of a action/thriller spoof along the lines of the 80's comedy Top Secret!  It's not highbrow humor or anything but the cast has a surprisingly great chemistry and the comedy is very well paced.  

It's really dumb...but also, really funny. 

3 tasty celery sticks out of 5

PROMETHEUS [2012]

Ridley Scott's first visit back to the Alien-verse since 1979, Prometheus, is a bit of a questionable one.

While it's nice to see a sci-fi film using physical sets and animatronics instead of 99.9% CGI, there's just too many elements missing to make it a bit disappointing.  The characters are bland and dumb as fuck, there's an extreme lack of menace and you can't help but feel that it went through rewrite hell.  However there are some great set-pieces and some VERY memorable scenes that will haunt me forever.

As a popcorn film it's an entertaining ride...as an Alien film, it's a colossal disappointment.

2½ Peter O'Toole's out of 5

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN [2012]

Aside from the point that director Marc Webb's take on Spidey is far too soon after Sam Raimi's hit & miss series of films, The Amazing Spider-Man is a most welcome addition to this decade's run of comic book adaptations.

Webb's confident direction and the impressive cast, particularly Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone, give the film a bigger heart, funnier & sharper dialogue, a more emotional impact and an underlying darker edge compared to the previous Raimi efforts.  Unfortunately the main villain is a bit of a snooze and there's a scenes that do nothing but serve as "pop song" moments that hurt the narrative flow a bit.  We've seen it all before but that's all right, granted there's more on the way...'cuz it's really going to hurt come Gwen Stacy's *spoiler*...as if you don't all ready know, True Believer.  

4 non-great powers or responsibilities out of 5

BLACK DEATH [2010]

Severance director Christopher Smith paints a grim look across his face for the medieval mystery thriller Black Death.

Going into this film I was expecting something historically inaccurate in unforgiving ways and large setpieces that offer nothing more than an explosive CGI death.  Instead, I was pleasantly surprised with a rather intimate film that never resorts to large choral battle scenes or tragic hero melodrama.  It allows you to explore your own morals and questions that leave neither the Christians or the pagans looking the "good guys".

3½ infected armpits out of 5