The Dreadful (2026)

Set in 15th-century Britain, Anne is a devout young woman awaiting the return of her husband during the Wars of the Roses while living under the watchful eye of her greedy, ruthless mother-in-law, who pumps her full of stories that keep her living in fear. With imagery that reminded me of great folk horror like Gretel & Hansel and The Green Knight, but not as gnarly as either of those two, it's a slow burn parable loosely inspired by the legend of the Onibaba.

2½ knights of hell out of 5

Confess, Fletch (2022)

After a number of fits and starts, we finally get a follow-up to Fletch, but it leaves much to be desired. Jon Hamm steps into the role as the investigative journalist hired to track down a missing art collection, but he has big shoes to fill. Unfortunately, this iteration is missing a lot of the trademark wisecracking humor and almost all of the disguises. It wasn't completely terrible, but the plotting is predictable and it's not something I would choose to watch again.

1½ yachts out of 5

Spy Hard (1996)

A spoof of the spy genre (particularly James Bond/007), which also jam-packs other popular films of the time, like Speed, Sister Act, Home Alone, Rambo, etc. Leslie Nielsen portrays Special Agent Dick Steele, aka WD-40, while Nicollette Sheridan does a serviceable job as second banana Agent 3.14. Directed by Rick Friedberg, and written by nepo baby Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, who are credited with the demise of the spoof genre and gave them a bad name during the 2000s stretch of parody films. The movie was famously meddled with by Disney, who dumbed it down for audiences to try and (poorly) imitate the ZAZ style and hacked it apart by about 20 minutes. The latter half suffers for it and we're denied a proper denouement, but you can tell the potential is there and there are a lot of fun visual gags that are still memorable to me 30 years later. As usual, Nielsen carries the entire thing on his shoulders. I still enjoy it more than all the other films Friedberg & Seltzer became associated with later on.

2½ unlucky joggers out of 5

PARKLAND [2013]

Journalist Peter Landesman made his directorial debut with the dramatically effective, yet ultimately pointless, historical drama Parkland.
Set in the three days that immediately followed JFK's assassination, we follow an ensemble of ordinary folks who aren't well remembered names that played a big part in the events, such as the doctors, reporters, policeman, secret service men and relatives of the larger than life names.
It offers a unique perspective on the controversial subject matter but it runs off into too many directions to really allow the viewer to become emotionally attached to any of the characters being explored.  There's some excellent performances from the long list of who's who of indie-films, particularly the always wonderful Paul Giamatti, James Badge Dale and Jacki Weaver.  With an extra 45 minutes (yes, that much) I think it could have been a great film but instead it's nothing but a valiant but uncompelling effort.

3 of the world's most famous rolls of 8mm films out of 5

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY [2015]

Who knew it was possible to make a film about sadomasochism so dull?
Somehow director Sam Taylor-Johnson manages to pull it off with her adaptation of E.L. James' notoriously bad erotic novel Fifty Shades Of Grey.
It's about a mousy young woman who is enchanted by the mystery of a boringly broody rich guy with a fetish for getting exactly what he wants.  The leading characters are so soap-operish boring, it hurts to see The Fall's Jamie Dornan take such a nosedive in quality with his choices in roles.  The dialogue teeters between hilarious and cringe-worthy, while the mundane plotting & pacing makes Twilight look like Citizen Kane.  Rumor has it that the film is infinitely better than the book but I have no knowledge of that and cringe to think of how it could get any worse.

1 shade of...yawn...zzzzzzz.

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You (2011)

The story of a seventeen-year-old intelligent but disillusioned loner whose family want him to fit in with their functioning dysfunctional lifestyle. I usually enjoy this kind of film, but the youthful James (Toby Regbo) has almost nothing to actually complain about. His problems are as shallow as the people he criticises. A good kick up the ass would sort him right out. Even when something meaningful happens it just skims off the surface of his underdeveloped self, not penetrating the core of the character. I enjoyed it for what it was but felt it could've been so much more.
Regbo reminded me of a younger version of Jude Law, which I realise is a cruel thing to say, but it's true.

2 breakfast rhythms out of 5

DETACHMENT [2011]

Not since American History X has a film left me feeling so horrible, so it came as no surprise when I found out Detachment's director Tony Kaye is the same guy.
It's a stark look at the youth of today and they way we as adults tend to forget our responsibility towards them.  It's wonderfully acted by a talented ensemble cast, filmed with thoughtful intimacy and aided by some interesting animation to tell the story that rips out your heart and stomps all over it.  Unfortunately it can be a bit too much at times and takes you out of the harsh reality that it's trying to portray.  Still by the end of the film it leaves the impact it's meant to make, meaning it made it's point with success.

3½ sad cupcakes out of 5

THE MIST [2007]

Frank Darabont's adaptation of Stephen King's novella The Mist is a social commentary and dissection of Western humanity, thinly disguised as a creature feature b-film.

Mixing elements of Night Of The Living Dead and Lord Of The Flies, Darabont pieces together an impressively faithful adaptation of King's work, with the exception of the completely new ending which delivers an even more powerful punch than the original.  It suffers from some awkward pacing but still manages to please as a fan of horror films and the disgusting things they do.

3 Gunslingers out of 5

Mystic River (2003)

Eastwood assembled a great cast for this moody drama about three kids whose lives are forever connected due to an event in their past. Years later they are reunited in the same place. The acting is wonderful, and it was a joy to see something with old-school filmmaking values not reliant on modern camera trickery, but the story does drag on a bit at times.

3½ hurried beginnings with the wrong hair out of 5