Splitsville (2025)

After his hot wife splits up with him, a man wanders into a polyamorous relationship with his best friend's hot wife, which predictably causes complications between all involved. Whenever I watch movies like this, I always wonder to myself: How did all these experiences elude me? Oh well. 

It's an infantile indie comedy that rubbed me in all the wrong ways.

1½ fish popes out of 5

Materialists (2025)

Celine Song's latest romantic drama is completely insufferable, but probably the most interesting movie I've ever loathed with every cell of my being.

A no-nonsense matchmaker, who is every bit as shallow as her clients, finds herself torn between two men vying for her affections—one rich, one poor.

The bottom line is: If you're a man, all your value can be measured in your bank account and your height, and if you're a woman, all that matters is your youth and waistline. Same as it ever was.

Whether Dakota Johnson ends up with Pedro Pascal or Chris Evans doesn't matter; they've already won in the game of life.

2 checked boxes out of 5

A BIGGER SPLASH [2015]

The longer I thought about director  Luca Guadagnino's psycho-drama, A Bigger Splash, I realized I admired it more than what I had initially thought.
A famous rock star, recovering from throat surgery, and her moody boyfriend are taking a much-needed island vacation, but is interrupted by her shit-disturbing ex and his nymphy younger daughter.
Led more by a roller coaster of fragile emotions, rather than a conventional plot, the film requires patience from the viewer but pays off with seductive menace and baffling hilarity.  It cleverly juggles fascinating combinations of interaction between each character and none is more uncomfortably alluring than the next.  Painted over beautifully muted photography and strong performances, A Bigger Splash is a twisted little gem that rewards with wandering afterthoughts and baffled giggles aplenty.

3½ hoarse karaoke sessions out of 5

NEED FOR SPEED [2014]

Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul gets fast and furious in director Scott Waugh's film adaptation of Electronic Arts' long-running video game series Need For Speed.
In this car porn road flick, a car-mechanic gets out of prison to race across the country to avenge his friend of whom he was framed for the death of.
If it's quality plot and well-fleshed characters, then you're obviously not smart enough to know this ain't the film to turn to and perhaps it is right for you after all.  If it's ridiculously entertaining inane fun you're seeking out then you've come to the right place.  Unlike it's rival Fast Car film series, the large majority of stunts and FX are all practical making for less cartoony action sequences but still keeping up with the outrageousness of it all.
It's runs a bit long but you'll hardly even notice if you've come prepared right and proper the type of film it is.

3 bus bus buses out of 5

BLACK MASS [2015]

After an extended string of crappy films, Johnny Depp returns to form in director Scott Cooper's American true crime film, Black Mass.
The film depicts the rise & fall of the infamous Irish-American crime boss, Whitey Bulger who became an FBI informant in order to get away with as much as he possibly could in Boston during the 70's and 80's.
Aided by an impressive cast, Depp gives a subtle yet empowering performance that kept me uncomfortably mesmerized.  However I couldn't help but feel the story needed a good extra hour of padding to really give it the impact it appeared to be aiming for.  There was so much going on that they briefly skimmed over, as a whole it never really explores anything we haven't seen before with a film like this.  In the end it's a slightly above average film with some really great performances.

3 confused doormen out of 5

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY [2015]

Who knew it was possible to make a film about sadomasochism so dull?
Somehow director Sam Taylor-Johnson manages to pull it off with her adaptation of E.L. James' notoriously bad erotic novel Fifty Shades Of Grey.
It's about a mousy young woman who is enchanted by the mystery of a boringly broody rich guy with a fetish for getting exactly what he wants.  The leading characters are so soap-operish boring, it hurts to see The Fall's Jamie Dornan take such a nosedive in quality with his choices in roles.  The dialogue teeters between hilarious and cringe-worthy, while the mundane plotting & pacing makes Twilight look like Citizen Kane.  Rumor has it that the film is infinitely better than the book but I have no knowledge of that and cringe to think of how it could get any worse.

1 shade of...yawn...zzzzzzz.