The Turkish Coffee Table (2025)

AKA: Cam Sehpa

The appropriately named Turkish remake of The Coffee Table. Like that film, it's hard to say anything about it without spoiling it, so all I can do is see how it compares. This one is a lot more gaudy, showy and ostentatious. For whatever reason, it doesn't hit the same. Maybe because I'd already seen it done better the first time. This is simply an inferior reproduction of the original product.

2 shatterproof glasses out of 5

The Coffee Table (2022)

AKA: La mesita del comedor

A couple buys a coffee table. It's no ordinary coffee table. It's one of its kind, the salesman insists. Then an unspeakable tragedy occurs. I can't say anymore.

I'm not sure whether to classify this as horror, drama, suspense or comedy, but probably all of the above. You need nerves of steel to sit through this movie.

4 screws out of 5

Lo (2009)

A man conjures the demon Lo to help retrieve his one true love from hell; his only protection being the summoning circle from which he sits. Essentially a no-budget stage play set within one location, it makes clever use of spaces to tell its story in flashback. It's a bit of an oddity; a romantic tragihorror comedy.

3 rare editions of Faust out of 5

Love Object (2003)

A lonely workaholic buys a $10,000 silicone sex doll, who he models after his work crush. As he imbues it with her qualities, lines start to blur. At a certain point, can reality ever live up to the fantasy? In many ways, this movie feels like the antithesis of American Psycho, although you can see the parallels. This horror flick is very darkly funny, even as it treats its subject deadly serious.

3½ Strauss waltzes out of 5

Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma (2026)

Camp Miasma is a Friday the 13th-esque horror franchise in need of new blood. It finds its reboot in the form of a young female director interested in bringing back the original final girl, who has remained a recluse ever since. There's a lot to love about this film, especially the dreamy way it all plays out. A very meta homage to horror that even references Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which I was thinking of the whole time. It examines the relationship between the movie and the viewer; but once it goes past a certain point, you're on your own. This one didn't quite resonate with me as strongly as I Saw the TV Glow, but it's an original artistic vision and that's something to get excited about.

4 Little Deaths out of 5

Teeth (2007)

Vagina dentata. Every man's worst fear. Every woman's secret fantasy.

Dawn has always been different. After a traumatizing incident as a youth, she devotes herself to a life of purity and abstinence, when she meets a nice boy and things get hairy quick. Let's face it. You know exactly what you're going to get here and it delivers in spades. It's a dark satire about female anatomy and autonomy; something that comes in handy when you're a desirable woman receiving unwanted attention. Let's just say it's not a dealbreaker for me.

4 gyno exams out of 5

Deep Dark (2015)

A struggling artist moves into a rundown old apartment where he strikes a Faustian bargain with a talking hole in the wall that grants him inspiration. But, of course, with prosperity comes complications when love threatens to come between a boy and his hole. This is one of my favorite weird indie films that no one has ever heard of. It's a brilliant black comedy about the price of success.

3½ mobiles out of 5

Decay (2015)

After an intruder accidentally dies on his property, a lonely, disturbed man decides to take care of her remains as both her body and his sanity slowly decompose. This is Swiss Army Man if played totally straight and completely depressing. It's a dark and tragic character study (think Norman Bates meets Herbert West) featuring a very grim scenario that was purportedly based on actual events. [Yes, it was me.] It's a very slow movie, but moving in a way.

3½ OCD rituals out of 5

The Forest Hills (2023)

A hairy dude suffering from all sorts of issues (both real and imagined) is convinced he's turning into a wolf and believes another may be hunting him.

The version I saw (the "Festival Cut") featured additional footage of Shelley Duvall, which ended up being her final role after a 20-year absence from film. It's nice to see some familiar faces that have been missing from the screens for years, but also sad to see this assortment of C-listers cobbled together in an incomprehensible plot filmed on a shoestring budget. What saves the film from being a total disgrace is a harrowing performance from Chiko Mendez.

½ an unpleasant diagnosis out of 5

Sleepwalker (2026)

After her daughter dies in a car accident and leaves her husband in a coma, a mother racked with guilt is haunted by episodes of somnambulism and waking visions of her daughter. It's an interesting idea, but awful execution. The twist ending either saves it or makes it worse, depending on your interpretation.

I chose to watch this film solely in honor of the late Hayden Panettiere. R.I.P.

1 finger(s) counted in a dream out of 5

Night Nurse (2026)

I suppose I spoke too soon. A caregiver at an assisted living facility falls for her manipulative dementia patient and helps him run a phone scam targeting other seniors out of their money. I hate movies marketed as "erotic thrillers" that fail to deliver on either part of that promise. I felt outright revulsion watching this, and I don't mean that complimentary. What a heap of shite.

0 sponge baths out of 5

Corporate Retreat (2026)

A girlfriend dragged along on a Gen-Z company getaway immediately regrets her decision after it quickly becomes a team-building exercise for survival.

If you're expecting the heights of the comedy-horror cult classic Severance, you're shit out of luck. It manages to feel boring, exploitative and low-effort. Probably the worst horror to come out of 2026 since Faces of Death. I'm glad to get that shit out of the way for the month (though the night is still young).

0 scoops of eye scream out of 5

Onslaught (2026)

Adria Arjona battles genetically enhanced super soldiers in this throwback to '80s action-horror thrillers. Adam Wingard is at his best when left to his own devices and I enjoyed the weirder elements, but I was bored during most of the setup. All of the fun was in the back half, but then it was over too soon.

2 McGruff bangers out of 5

The Mortuary Assistant (2026)

A newly sober woman working as an understudy for an undertaker takes the creepiest shift at a big empty morgue all alone, and wouldn't you just know it, freaky things start to happen. Are the dead coming back to life, or is she losing her mind, or...you get the idea. I can't exactly comment on the faithfulness of this video game adaptation because I've never played it to begin with, but you get the impression it was better suited to that medium. The premise somewhat reminded me of The Autopsy of Jane Doe, which is the much better film by far.

½ a letting strip out of 5

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

I liked it better than the W. S. Anderson films, but that's not saying much. This reboot adapts the origins of the games much more faithfully, but still ends up lacking. It held my attention because I was familiar with the characters and the creature designs and locations looked cool. Other than that, it was forgettable and destined to be ripped apart. Seems like either way, fans are never happy.

2 final forms out of 5