Ghoulies IV (1994)

What was next for Ghoulies but to introduce an occult-loving dominatrix? You'll get no pushback from me. Sadly, the nail in the coffin for this franchise was replacing the puppets with little people. Did they think they were making Leprechaun? Also, we're now down from three to two. With archival footage from the first movie to pad the runtime, and nothing to push the boundaries of its R-rating, this is ghoulishly an even lower rated pile of shit than the original.

½ a limit stretched out of 5

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (1990)

The first two Ghoulies movies were PG-13, but with ownership changing hands, it's switched to a hard-R franchise, and finally fulfills its potential as naughty Gremlins, after films like Critters and Munchies merely toyed the line. Oh yeah, and now they're bigger and inexplicably speaking, so they have distinct Three Stooges personalities. True to the title, the Ghouls are introduced to a college setting where Kevin McCarthy brings some class to the proceedings, but still can't raise a grade above its juvenile origins and underdeveloped plot. This is the best of the Ghoulies series, mostly because tits make everything better.

2½ prank crowns out of 5

Ghoulies II (1987)

The first Ghoulies movie, which is a GREATLY MISUNDERSTOOD WORK OF ART, was a Charles Band production initially discarded as a Gremlins knock-off, even though both were actually in production at the same time and only got delayed until after its release, thereby leading to a lifetime of comparison.

However, Ghoulies II is 100% a Gremlins knock-off, which works to this film's advantage. Thankfully, this one has a greater emphasis on creature effects and actual humor than its predecessor. It involves the little demons working as part of a carnival sideshow attraction, and naturally, attacking all the patrons. Yeah, that's really all there is to it. It's good for a few yuks, but nothing special.

2 shooting galleries out of 5

Munchies (1987)

Whoever designed that poster to go along with that title has a great sense of humor and I'd like to shake his or her hand...possibly after some hand sanitizer.

This is the Roger Corman-sanctioned knock-off of Gremlins, with the variation that when you dispatch them, they multiply. With an addiction to junk food and girlie mags, these wisecracking little pervs are after my own heart. As campy as this movie is, it would be so much more fun if it wasn't capped at a PG rating. Then again, Ghoulies already serves that purpose. Come for the wisecracking alien hijinks, stay for Harvey Korman sneering at the camera (in a dual role!).

2 sneeze shots out of 5

Note: This was followed up by two unrelated fantasy comedy sequels, Munchie and Munchie Strikes Back, which I'll save for another occasion.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Cabbage Patch Kids were for girls, Garbage Pail Kids were for boys. At least that's how it was marketed at the time. The appeal was that they were gross and offensive and featured grotesque illustrations with clever word play. 

Sadly, this film displays none of that charm. Based on the Topps sticker trading cards, it desperately wants to be Gremlins and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but the best idea they can muster involves them running a sweatshop. I'd say the biggest sin this film commits is being boring, which is unforgiveable when you've got people running around in rubber suits, but in its defense, at least it doesn't involve CGI. Staring at this artwork is a lot more fun than watching the movie, that's for sure. Viewing this as an adult feels like I've come full circle.

1 trenchcoat always fools the normies out of 5

Little Monsters (1989)

A boy befriends the monster under his bed, who shows him a whole new world of nightmares that await him. Yes, this was a precursor to Monsters, Inc. that doesn't get half the credit it deserves. Howie Mandell does his best (worst?) Michael Keaton impression as the monster Maurice. It's puerile and churlish, but I'm rating this purely from the perspective of wish fulfillment as a child.

2½ piles of clothes out of 5

Drop Dead Fred (1991)

A woman's repressed imaginary friend comes back to wreak havoc on her life and help her let loose in the wake of an impending divorce. It's a movie about processing childhood trauma, but done in such a bizarre cartoonish Beetlejuice way, you almost can't take the subject matter seriously. It was declared one of the worst films ever made back in the day, but it's aged a hell of a lot better in my mind. Rik Mayall as Fred is zany and off the wall, but it's Phoebe Cates who manages to ground the film into something that stays with you far longer.

3 jack-in-the-boxes out of 5

My Boyfriend's Back (1993)

A guy defies the laws of nature and comes back from the grave after he dies for the one he loves. Which works out swell until he starts falling apart over her. This tongue-in-cheek comedy is extremely irreverent and deadpan, but it plays with tropes of the genre and is the earliest example of a zom-rom-com.

2½ heart-shaped lockets out of 5

Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)

The third film lands in the capable hands of Brian Yuzna, who attempts to do something different with the series...by stealing a page from the Re-Animator handbook. A guy uses the reanimation process to bring back his girlfriend, who of course returns with a hunger that can't be sated. I wish this film was better, but it's a showcase for gnarly zombie effects, so it satisfies a certain need.

2 nipple rings out of 5

Note: There were two further "in name only" direct-to-video installments (Necropolis and Rave to the Grave), both released in 2005. I saw them once, but have no interest in revisiting them. They were automatic zeroes.

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)

Basically a rehash of the first film, but with less memorable characters and no new ideas. The best part is the animatronic zombie effects. It makes me want to award this a higher rating than it deserves because it feels like a lost art.

2 barrels of toxic gas out of 5

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Since Night of the Living Dead is in the public domain, knock-offs and parodies were inevitable. This is the best known and most popular spin-off, a 1980s horror comedy that added to the mythology. Featuring fun practical effects, talking zombies and a punk rock soundtrack, this film is notable for introducing the concept of the undead feeding on human brains (which didn't exist prior to this). It's since solidified itself as a cult classic and is even accepted among fans as a spiritual successor to Romero's Living Dead series. Truth be told, this movie is a bit of a mess at times, but it grows on you with subsequent viewing.

3½ Tarmen out of 5

Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Make-up effects artist Tom Savini takes on George Romero's zombie classic.

Let's face it, Night of the Living Dead is perfect. There's no filler. It starts off strong and never lets up. A remake of the original might seem as pointless as Gus van Sant's stab at Psycho, but this is actually a competent interpretation of the material that updates certain elements, penned by Romero himself. It has the same low-budget DIY charm, with the only major difference being that it's shot in color and features a greater emphasis on special effects. While it lacks the same shock value of the original, this doesn't hurt its legacy either. At the risk of summoning zombie cuckoo, I'd wager this is just as solid as the original, though the 1968 film clearly holds a greater impact for when it was released. What's nice is that they can both exist simultaneously and independent of each other. It just depends on what flavor you're in the mood for today.

4 boarded windows out of 5

Brain Dead (1990)

"By the perception of illusion, we experience reality."

Brains freak me out. Just one little poke or minor alteration can change your identity forever. It's such a fragile process. You can't trust your own mind.

This movie is really hard to sum up. It's about a neurosurgeon who performs an experimental procedure on another man's brain. Lines begin to blur. You don't know who is what anymore. This stuff terrifies me to no end. It reminds me of a bad dream you can't wake from. I kind of love it because it wrinkles my brain.

4 stimulations out of 5

Note: This was the only film that starred both Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton, and it forever mixed me up.

The Attic Expeditions (2001)

AKA: Horror in the Attic

I love movies about people losing their mind, because it makes me feel sane.

A man finds himself in a sanitarium with no memory of how he got there. One by one, people wind up dead. This movie does such a good job of putting you in the mind of a crazy person that I can't make heads or tails out of any of it. And yet, it's compelled me for 25 years now. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.

3 locked trunks out of 5

The I Inside (2004)

After a car accident, a man wakes up in the hospital with short term memory loss, missing the last two years of his life. As he reconstructs the pieces, he bounces back and forth in his memories, seemingly able to alter the past. The way this movie unfolds makes you feel as lost and paranoid as its unreliable narrator, which works to its advantage. Whether it all comes together in a satisfying way is a different question altogether, and is left up to the viewer.

3½ perceptions out of 5