Forbidden Fruits (2026)

A trio of Gen Z witches—Apple, Cherry and Fig—work at a mall and recruit new girl Pumpkin to their coven, who must prove herself as she challenges their strict dynamics. This is an extraordinarily ill-conceived and badly executed "horror" comedy, if you can even call it that. Confusing and difficult to follow, though I'm still not sure if that was the intent, it seems to cater to modern pop culture and teen slang, so I'm sure it'll appeal to some little corner of fandom.

½ a pickle out of 5

Cold Storage (2026)

A highly infectious parasitic fungus comes down from space and is contained in an underground cold storage facility where it slowly continues to spread and wreak more havoc. It looks like a generic horror comedy on the outside, though it contains slightly more substance than your usual fodder. While it starts out fully engrossing, it quickly goes downhill from there. I didn't find the chemistry between the leads very believable, and Liam Neeson is mostly wasted here. It does go full Troma at a certain point, but I was over it by then.

2 treads out of 5

Heel (2025)

AKA: Good Boy

A family takes in a wayward youth and attempts to subjugate and reform him against his will, keeping him chained up in their cellar to break him of his rude habits. What's fun is how casually the concept is introduced and how quickly they all become acclimated to their situation. It's one of those films where you think you know what you're going to get, but it still manages to surprise you.

3 chloroforms out of 5

Why Don't You Just Die! (2018)

AKA: Папа, сдохни

Matvei is a young man sent to kill his girlfriend's father, but the father gains the upper hand. That's just the first 10 minutes. There's lots of stylistic devices being employed in this black splatter comedy. It does get a bit repetitive at a certain point in its singular purpose, but it doesn't outstay its welcome either.

3 handcuffs out of 5

They Will Kill You (2026)

An ex-convict poses as a maid to infiltrate a lavish hotel, searching for her sister who has gone missing, but finding much more than she bargained for. The trailers play it coy and don't reveal its hand, but it's a bonkers, ultra gory, hyper-stylistic cross between Tarantino and Raimi. It plays out a little like Ready or Not: The Lost Levels, and Zazie Beetz's barefoot warrior is highly formidable. Russian director Kirill Sokolov is someone to keep an eye out for.

3 fuck floors out of 5

Ready or Not 2: Here I Come (2026)

Picking up immediately after the events of the first film (a bold move after 7 years, but Samara Weaving remains ageless), a new syndicate is after Grace, looking to settle the score with a fresh game of H&S. Poor timing for Grace to meet up with her estranged kid sister/emergency contact Faith. It's more of the same mindless blood and guts, but it's fun if you're in a playful mood.

3 washing machines out of 5

Ready or Not (2019)

As part of her initiation into the family, a new bride is unwittingly forced to participate in a ritualistic game of "hide and seek" in a bloody free-for-all brawl to the death at her in-law's palatial estate. There's not much more to it. It's a fun action-horror comedy; just a 'turn-your-brains-off' kind of venture.

3 dumbwaiters out of 5

Slanted (2025)

"It's good to be white."

A social satire about a Chinese girl who immigrates to America where she's confronted with the feeling of being an "other" while entrenched in a culture that celebrates the typical blonde, blue-eyed "ideal." As she struggles to fit in at her high school among her heritage, she undergoes an "ethnic modification" procedure to help achieve her dream of being voted prom queen and finally accepted among the popular clique. The title takes on a two-part meaning as everyone's viewpoint also appears to be slanted. Like other socially conscious body horror (e.g. The Substance and The Beauty), the obsession with beauty and perfection is constantly in our faces since the day we're born. I realize it's an obvious satire of conformity, but it's a sad state of affairs when everyone wants to be the same, especially when she was so beautiful to begin with. 

3 dyed roots out of 5

The Bride! (2026)

A feminist, post-modernist reading on The Bride of Frankenstein, starring Jessie Buckley as the title character and Christian Bale as the monster. Hot off the heels of Jacob Elordi as Frankenstein, I can't stand this recent trend to "beautify" the monster, although I suppose Edward Scissorhands already cornered that market years ago. This feels more like a monster gangster movie like Bonnie & Clyde. It's a bizarre characterization, touched by madness, and Buckley once again demonstrates that she's one of the most dynamic young actresses of her generation. Stylistically, there's much to love in its 1930s aesthetic, but it's a mess of disparate parts, much like its characters.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the mad scientist behind this experimental creation.

3 short legs out of 5

The Dreadful (2026)

Set in 15th-century Britain, Anne is a devout young woman awaiting the return of her husband during the Wars of the Roses while living under the watchful eye of her greedy, ruthless mother-in-law, who pumps her full of stories that keep her living in fear. With imagery that reminded me of great folk horror like Gretel & Hansel and The Green Knight, but not as gnarly as either of those two, it's a slow burn parable loosely inspired by the legend of the Onibaba.

2½ knights of hell out of 5

Whistle (2025)

"If you blow, you die" should have been the tagline.

An ancient Aztec death whistle accelerates your time to however you were destined to die; or to put it in the film's parlance, "You will become what you would have been at your last breath." It sounds a lot better than it is, but it's just more teens dying. The kills are kind of clever, but it's nothing special.

1 chrysanthemum out of 5

Iron Lung (2026)

The first rule of making movies is never be boring. This is over two hours of a man trapped alone in a vessel. You could have cut this down to 75 minutes and not lost much. YouTuber Markiplier's debut feature made it into theaters, but ironically, this amateur production seems better suited to YouTube viewing.

Based on the indie horror submarine simulator of the same name (riveting!).

½ an X-ray out of 5

Psycho Killer (2026)

Reeling after the death of her husband at the hands of a serial killer known as the "Satanic Slasher," a highway patrol officer becomes obsessed with trying to stop him. It's a straightforward slasher flick that's about as basic as it gets. No finesse. Like a direct-to-video movie from 2009. I can only blame myself.

½ a bloody orgy out of 5

The Strangers: Chapter 3 (2026)

Continuing off the last chapter, one of the strangers is down and the survivor has become a replacement. Is that a spoiler? I'm not really sure what else to say about it. Equal parts slow and boring, stupid and nonsensical, there's really no reason for any of these movies to exist. It's all just a massive waste of time.

On the bright side, it's nice to get the worst movie of the year out of the way right off the bat, that way I can focus on wasting my time on other things.

0 Tamaras out of 5

Scream 7 (2026)

Holy shit, there's 7 of them now? These movies have come a long way. After a number of fits and starts, including losing most of the new, younger cast they hired for the reboot several years back, the franchise falls back on nostalgia for its next legacy sequel, putting Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) back front and center, as well as familiar faces from the past. Does any of it make sense? We're long past that now. Series creator Kevin Williamson is in the director's seat this time, paying homage to Wes Craven in a back to basics format that's straight to the point, while basically providing fan service in spades. It's so self-aware, it almost feels like a parody of itself at this point. However, it's head and shoulders above the previous entry, so it's all right in my book.

2½ beer taps out of 5