Ready or Not (2019)

As part of her initiation into the family, a new bride is unwittingly forced to participate in a ritualistic game of "hide and seek" in a bloody free-for-all brawl to the death at her in-law's palatial estate. There's not much more to it. It's a fun action-horror comedy; just a 'turn-your-brains-off' kind of venture.

3 dumbwaiters out of 5

Slanted (2025)

"It's good to be white."

A social satire about a Chinese girl who immigrates to America where she's confronted with the feeling of being an "other" while entrenched in a culture that celebrates the typical blonde, blue-eyed "ideal." As she struggles to fit in at her high school among her heritage, she undergoes an "ethnic modification" procedure to help achieve her dream of being voted prom queen and finally accepted among the popular clique. The title takes on a two-part meaning as everyone's viewpoint also appears to be slanted. Like other socially conscious body horror (e.g. The Substance and The Beauty), the obsession with beauty and perfection is constantly in our faces since the day we're born. I realize it's an obvious satire of conformity, but it's a sad state of affairs when everyone wants to be the same, especially when she was so beautiful to begin with. 

3 dyed roots out of 5

The Bride! (2026)

A feminist, post-modernist reading on The Bride of Frankenstein, starring Jessie Buckley as the title character and Christian Bale as the monster. Hot off the heels of Jacob Elordi as Frankenstein, I can't stand this recent trend to "beautify" the monster, although I suppose Edward Scissorhands already cornered that market years ago. This feels more like a monster gangster movie like Bonnie & Clyde. It's a bizarre characterization, touched by madness, and Buckley once again demonstrates that she's one of the most dynamic young actresses of her generation. Stylistically, there's much to love in its 1930s aesthetic, but it's a mess of disparate parts, much like its characters.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the mad scientist behind this experimental creation.

3 short legs out of 5

The Dreadful (2026)

Set in 15th-century Britain, Anne is a devout young woman awaiting the return of her husband during the Wars of the Roses while living under the watchful eye of her greedy, ruthless mother-in-law, who pumps her full of stories that keep her living in fear. With imagery that reminded me of great folk horror like Gretel & Hansel and The Green Knight, but not as gnarly as either of those two, it's a slow burn parable loosely inspired by the legend of the Onibaba.

2½ knights of hell out of 5

Whistle (2025)

"If you blow, you die" should have been the tagline.

An ancient Aztec death whistle accelerates your time to however you were destined to die; or to put it in the film's parlance, "You will become what you would have been at your last breath." It sounds a lot better than it is, but it's just more teens dying. The kills are kind of clever, but it's nothing special.

1 chrysanthemum out of 5

Iron Lung (2026)

The first rule of making movies is never be boring. This is over two hours of a man trapped alone in a vessel. You could have cut this down to 75 minutes and not lost much. YouTuber Markiplier's debut feature made it into theaters, but ironically, this amateur production seems better suited to YouTube viewing.

Based on the indie horror submarine simulator of the same name (riveting!).

½ an X-ray out of 5

Psycho Killer (2026)

Reeling after the death of her husband at the hands of a serial killer known as the "Satanic Slasher," a highway patrol officer becomes obsessed with trying to stop him. It's a straightforward slasher flick that's about as basic as it gets. No finesse. Like a direct-to-video movie from 2009. I can only blame myself.

½ a bloody orgy out of 5

The Strangers: Chapter 3 (2026)

Continuing off the last chapter, one of the strangers is down and the survivor has become a replacement. Is that a spoiler? I'm not really sure what else to say about it. Equal parts slow and boring, stupid and nonsensical, there's really no reason for any of these movies to exist. It's all just a massive waste of time.

On the bright side, it's nice to get the worst movie of the year out of the way right off the bat, that way I can focus on wasting my time on other things.

0 Tamaras out of 5

Scream 7 (2026)

Holy shit, there's 7 of them now? These movies have come a long way. After a number of fits and starts, including losing most of the new, younger cast they hired for the reboot several years back, the franchise falls back on nostalgia for its next legacy sequel, putting Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) back front and center, as well as familiar faces from the past. Does any of it make sense? We're long past that now. Series creator Kevin Williamson is in the director's seat this time, paying homage to Wes Craven in a back to basics format that's straight to the point, while basically providing fan service in spades. It's so self-aware, it almost feels like a parody of itself at this point. However, it's head and shoulders above the previous entry, so it's all right in my book.

2½ beer taps out of 5

The Secret Agent (2025)

AKA: O Agente Secreto

Brazil, 1977. The country still lives under a military dictatorship. A refugee returns to his hometown where he butts up against the corrupt authoritarian regime. It's a historical crime thriller full of cover-ups and political intrigue, but maybe I just didn't get it. It depends a lot on knowledge of local events during that time period, and the film is constructed in such a convoluted way that it's hard to discern what it's really supposed to be about until it's over. The fact that it's nearly 3 hours in length honestly doesn't work in its favor, especially given the fact that it omits so many details central to the plot.

Wagner Moura (aka, Brazil's answer to Pedro Pascal) delivers a worthwhile performance, while this features the last appearance of film icon Udo Kier.

3 hairy legs out of 5

A House of Dynamite (2025)

The White House Situation Room has just been informed of an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) from an unknown origin set to target the city of Chicago within the next twenty minutes. Kathryn Bigelow's political drama plays it as close to the bone as possible, almost like a dry run for the actual event, as it unfolds from three different perspectives. I personally find movies like this quite boring; there's a lot of technical jargon and it's not very interesting to watch. And the movie ends without any sense of resolution, which just pisses me off. I guess the point of it is to show how unprepared the government is for unforeseen emergencies and how we're always minutes away from uncertain disaster. Just more fearmongering porn to add to the burning pile of humanity.

2 DEFCONs out of 5

Dead Man's Wire (2025)

Based on a true story, a man falling behind on his payments decides to take his mortgage broker hostage until his demands are met, placing him in a makeshift "dead man's line" by attaching the trigger of a shotgun to the hostage's neck by a wire to prevent means of escape. It's designed to feel much like a 1970s throwback thriller (where the events are set), similar to Dog Day Afternoon, complete with Al Pacino. While the premise is very straightforward, and Bill Skarsgård inhabits the role, the half-baked plot is unfocused, meandering and less than exciting. Feels like they're running out of true events to adapt.

2 cubes of ice in milk out of 5

Shelter (2026)

Oh, a new Stat is out? That must inevitably mean another year has elapsed.

This time, the bald avenger is in hiding as a lighthouse keeper (seriously, he's running out of cool jobs), where he comes to the rescue of a little girl and becomes her keeper (get it?). It's a minimalist paint-by-numbers plot with the usual generic action elements, and somehow MI6 always gets involved, but this time you actually care about the characters. Makes up for last year's POS.

Recommended for The Stath stans. Everyone else can take it or leave it.

2½ chess pieces out of 5

Crime 101 (2026)

An ensemble crime drama about a series of diamond heists committed along the 101 highway in Los Angeles, the plot involves a jewel thief, a detective, an insurance broker and a goon for hire, pinning them against each other's moral grey areas. There's a lot going on here, and little of it engaging to the viewer, despite the enormous star power behind it. It's a slow-moving thriller that only gets interesting when all the pieces fall into place, well over an hour into the film. Despite its attempt to recreate a '90s Michael Mann feel, it's a painfully average flick full of plot holes that is about as generic as the title suggests.

2 encrypted porn links out of 5

How to Make a Killing (2026)

Born out of wedlock and cheated out of a multibillion dollar inheritance, a man schemes to reclaim his birthright by currying favor and systematically getting rid of those ahead of him in the family line, while also avoiding some meddling FBI agents and an ex who is onto him. It's a fun, dark crime comedy that is easy to see where it's going for the most part, but pleasant enough in its execution.

3 funerals out of 5