Onslaught (2026)

Adria Arjona battles genetically enhanced super soldiers in this throwback to '80s action-horror thrillers. Adam Wingard is at his best when left to his own devices and I enjoyed the weirder elements, but I was bored during most of the setup. All of the fun was in the back half, but then it was over too soon.

2 McGruff bangers out of 5

The Mortuary Assistant (2026)

A newly sober woman working as an understudy for an undertaker takes the creepiest shift at a big empty morgue all alone, and wouldn't you just know it, freaky things start to happen. Are the dead coming back to life, or is she losing her mind, or...you get the idea. I can't exactly comment on the faithfulness of this video game adaptation because I've never played it to begin with, but you get the impression it was better suited to that medium. The premise somewhat reminded me of The Autopsy of Jane Doe, which is the much better film by far.

1 letting strip out of 5

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

I liked it better than the W. S. Anderson films, but that's not saying much. This reboot adapts the origins of the games much more faithfully, but still ends up lacking. It held my attention because I was familiar with the characters and the creature designs and locations looked cool. Other than that, it was forgettable and destined to be ripped apart. Seems like either way, fans are never happy.

2½ final forms out of 5

Resident Evil (2026)

A medical transport courier is handed an emergency delivery to Raccoon City, where things are currently going down. This is a video game adaptation done right; a pulse-pounding, unrelenting survival horror adventure as well as an original story that anyone can enjoy separately from the games. With quick-paced action and pared-down characters, this is an even better Evil Dead film than the last Evil Dead, and miles above that Paul W. S. Anderson abomination.

4 indestructible padlocks out of 5

Coyote vs. Acme (2026)

We finally have a worthy successor to Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Why it was suppressed for so long, I'll never know. Wile E. Coyote files a lawsuit against the asshats at ACME Corp. who have been selling him faulty products for ages, and it's been a long time coming. The blending of live-action and animation is seamless and proves the perfect counterpoint for Looney Tunes-style antics.

3½ bird seed subpoenas out of 5

Mutiny (2026)

Whoa... TWO Stats in one year? Slow it down, Stath-Man. What is this, 2008?

And yet, looking at that poster, all I can think is Die Hard and "You sunk my battleship!" Luckily, the entire plot is spelled out for you, but even with an homage as cheeky as that, the film itself seems to lack any fun or sense of humor. This one is dull, slow and plodding, even by Stat standards. It's almost as if A.I. processed all of his filmography and spat out a convincing facsimile missing all of the heart. A Working Man is no longer the worst Statham joint.

½ a knife through the face out of 5

Redux Redux (2025)

A grieving woman travels through parallel universes searching for one where her daughter is still alive, all the while hunting down her killer in each one. It's sci-fi on a budget, which suggests a lot while leaving much to the imagination. While I was never bored by it, I did expect more from this intriguing premise.

2½ fuel cores out of 5

Carolina Caroline (2025)

"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in one place when they can fly anywhere in the world. And then I ask myself the same question."

A young woman falls for a charming grifter who teaches her his ways, as they get off on the adrenaline rush of petty crime, eventually upgrading to armed robbery, on their way to South Carolina to meet the mother she never knew. It's a crime romance that starts out fairly run of the mill and ramps up quickly. I wasn't sure where it was going in the first half, but it won me over by the end.

3 short change scams out of 5

Motor City (2025)

Alan Ritchson, hulking star of television's Reacher, stars in this '70s era bloody action flick almost entirely devoid of dialogue. Like Silent Night, it's carried through by its soundtrack, except this time it's a lot more upbeat and rockin'.

I was very fond of the strong first half, but not quite happy with the direction it takes, whereby it becomes a generic revenge thriller with brooding music and lots of slow-motion shots in the rain. But it earns definite style points.

2½ wedding bullets out of 5

Power Ballad (2026)

Paul Rudd plays an affable musician whose dreams of being a rock star are relegated to performing in a wedding band. By chance encounter, he meets a struggling former boy band member (Nick Jonas), whose impromptu jam sesh leads them to clashing over the ownership of a song. Like the rest of John Carney's music-driven filmography, it's a charmingly Irish comedy-drama with original songs and raw, honest performances that are enjoyable to the end.

3½ hit singles out of 5

Nimrods (2025)

AKA: New Year's Rev

Three high school kids take a road trip to Los Angeles in hopes of opening up for Green Day in time for their New Year's Eve concert. Featuring wall-to-wall GD songs, it's a journey paved with many predictable turns, but the characters are likeable enough to follow them on. Fred Armisen as a creepy motel owner was one such highlight, but should have been the subject of his own movie. 

Depending on how big a Green Day fan you are, your mileage may vary.

3 pink bunny suits out of 5

Idiots (2026)

AKA: The Shitheads

A pair of irresponsible underachievers are tasked with escorting a miscreant teen to rehab, but he proves to be more than a handful as the stakes increase. It's better than most films of this nature, and I found it to be an enjoyable ride.

3 werewolves out of 5

Dicks: The Musical (2023)

What a weird fucking movie. But after giving it some thought, I think I kinda loved it? It's nice to have crudity for crudeness's sake sometimes. This one aims to offend every single member of your family and I think it hits the mark.

Craig and Trevor are two straight, womanizing, misogynistic identical twins separated at birth by their parents, who in turn try to reacquaint their parents by disguising themselves as each other. Believe me, it gets more twisted from there, but you're just going to have to experience it for yourself. I was lucky enough to see it in theaters, and at the end, some guy in the back just said, "What the fuck was that?" That's a glowing endorsement if I've heard one.

3½ sewer boys out of 5

Little Brother (2026)

John Cena plays the reluctant "Big Brother" to a troubled former foster youth (Eric André), who tracks him down after 25 years and turns his picture perfect world upside down. It's formulaic but funny, in that type of What About Bob? plot where everyone else but the main character (and the audience) finds his antics charming. It's a dumb comedy that owns its dumbness, and both actors commit to the bit. I resisted it a lot, but it's delightfully crude and did make me laugh hard on a number of occasions, even though I hated it at its very core.

2 rimjobs out of 5

The Dink (2026)

A former tennis pro reluctantly takes up pickleball while recovering from an injury, where he struggles to fit in with those he sees as beneath him. I didn't care as much about the tired sports plot as I did about the plausible romance, which hinges entirely on Mary Steenburgen still being unbelievably hot in her 70s. Despite the predictability of it all, I enjoyed it much more than expected.

3 grunters out of 5