Whistle (2025)

"If you blow, you die" should have been the tagline.

An ancient Aztec death whistle accelerates your time to however you were destined to die; or to put it in the film's parlance, "You will become what you would have been at your last breath." It sounds a lot better than it is, but it's just more teens dying. The kills are kind of clever, but it's nothing special.

1 chrysanthemum out of 5

Iron Lung (2026)

The first rule of making movies is never be boring. This is over two hours of a man trapped alone in a vessel. You could have cut this down to 75 minutes and not lost much. YouTuber Markiplier's debut feature made it into theaters, but ironically, this amateur production seems better suited to YouTube viewing.

Based on the indie horror submarine simulator of the same name (riveting!).

½ an X-ray out of 5

Psycho Killer (2026)

Reeling after the death of her husband at the hands of a serial killer known as the "Satanic Slasher," a highway patrol officer becomes obsessed with trying to stop him. It's a straightforward slasher flick that's about as basic as it gets. No finesse. Like a direct-to-video movie from 2009. I can only blame myself.

½ a bloody orgy out of 5

The Strangers: Chapter 3 (2026)

Continuing off the last chapter, one of the strangers is down and the survivor has become a replacement. Is that a spoiler? I'm not really sure what else to say about it. Equal parts slow and boring, stupid and nonsensical, there's really no reason for any of these movies to exist. It's all just a massive waste of time.

On the bright side, it's nice to get the worst movie of the year out of the way right off the bat, that way I can focus on wasting my time on other things.

0 Tamaras out of 5

Scream 7 (2026)

Holy shit, there's 7 of them now? These movies have come a long way. After a number of fits and starts, including losing most of the new, younger cast they hired for the reboot several years back, the franchise falls back on nostalgia for its next legacy sequel, putting Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) back front and center, as well as familiar faces from the past. Does any of it make sense? We're long past that now. Series creator Kevin Williamson is in the director's seat this time, paying homage to Wes Craven in a back to basics format that's straight to the point, while basically providing fan service in spades. It's so self-aware, it almost feels like a parody of itself at this point. However, it's head and shoulders above the previous entry, so it's all right in my book.

2½ beer taps out of 5

The Secret Agent (2025)

AKA: O Agente Secreto

Brazil, 1977. The country still lives under a military dictatorship. A refugee returns to his hometown where he butts up against the corrupt authoritarian regime. It's a historical crime thriller full of cover-ups and political intrigue, but maybe I just didn't get it. It depends a lot on knowledge of local events during that time period, and the film is constructed in such a convoluted way that it's hard to discern what it's really supposed to be about until it's over. The fact that it's nearly 3 hours in length honestly doesn't work in its favor, especially given the fact that it omits so many details central to the plot.

Wagner Moura (aka, Brazil's answer to Pedro Pascal) delivers a worthwhile performance, while this features the last appearance of film icon Udo Kier.

3 hairy legs out of 5

A House of Dynamite (2025)

The White House Situation Room has just been informed of an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) from an unknown origin set to target the city of Chicago within the next twenty minutes. Kathryn Bigelow's political drama plays it as close to the bone as possible, almost like a dry run for the actual event, as it unfolds from three different perspectives. I personally find movies like this quite boring; there's a lot of technical jargon and it's not very interesting to watch. And the movie ends without any sense of resolution, which just pisses me off. I guess the point of it is to show how unprepared the government is for unforeseen emergencies and how we're always minutes away from uncertain disaster. Just more fearmongering porn to add to the burning pile of humanity.

2 DEFCONs out of 5

Dead Man's Wire (2025)

Based on a true story, a man falling behind on his payments decides to take his mortgage broker hostage until his demands are met, placing him in a makeshift "dead man's line" by attaching the trigger of a shotgun to the hostage's neck by a wire to prevent means of escape. It's designed to feel much like a 1970s throwback thriller (where the events are set), similar to Dog Day Afternoon, complete with Al Pacino. While the premise is very straightforward, and Bill Skarsgård inhabits the role, the half-baked plot is unfocused, meandering and less than exciting. Feels like they're running out of true events to adapt.

2 cubes of ice in milk out of 5

Shelter (2026)

Oh, a new Stat is out? That must inevitably mean another year has elapsed.

This time, the bald avenger is in hiding as a lighthouse keeper (seriously, he's running out of cool jobs), where he comes to the rescue of a little girl and becomes her keeper (get it?). It's a minimalist paint-by-numbers plot with the usual generic action elements, and somehow MI6 always gets involved, but this time you actually care about the characters. Makes up for last year's POS.

Recommended for The Stath stans. Everyone else can take it or leave it.

2½ chess pieces out of 5

Crime 101 (2026)

An ensemble crime drama about a series of diamond heists committed along the 101 highway in Los Angeles, the plot involves a jewel thief, a detective, an insurance broker and a goon for hire, pinning them against each other's moral grey areas. There's a lot going on here, and little of it engaging to the viewer, despite the enormous star power behind it. It's a slow-moving thriller that only gets interesting when all the pieces fall into place, well over an hour into the film. Despite its attempt to recreate a '90s Michael Mann feel, it's a painfully average flick full of plot holes that is about as generic as the title suggests.

2 encrypted porn links out of 5

How to Make a Killing (2026)

Born out of wedlock and cheated out of a multibillion dollar inheritance, a man schemes to reclaim his birthright by currying favor and systematically getting rid of those ahead of him in the family line, while also avoiding some meddling FBI agents and an ex who is onto him. It's a fun, dark crime comedy that is easy to see where it's going for the most part, but pleasant enough in its execution.

3 funerals out of 5

Nirvanna the Band the Show the Movie (2025)

Nirvanna the Band the Show is a Canadian mockumentary series about a duo called 'Nirvana the Band' who put the cart before the horse and try to book a gig before putting together an actual act. Mostly revolving around hatching half-baked schemes to play the Rivoli, and jam-packed with '90s pop culture references, it's a blend of scripted elements and completely improvisational moments, which I can only describe as Flight of the Conchords meets Nathan for You. A lot of it involves chance encounters and random reactions captured from unsuspecting people on the street, a la Da Ali G Show, Borat, and Bad Grandpa, which often takes the action in new and unexpected directions.

Without revealing too much, their latest adventure takes on the shape of Back to the Future and uses a lot of clever trickery (and borderline illegal activity) to pull it off its grand illusion. Half the fun is in trying to figure out how they did it and got away with it all. This time it feels much more scripted and lacking in the more intimate improvisational elements, but it's still a hoot if you've grown to love the charming antics of these two lunatics. There is the germ of genius behind the utter stupidity of it all, which is my favorite combination.

3½ Orbitz drinks out of 5

Note: All prior episodes are available for viewing on archive.org. I recommend it if you're of a certain age and looking for something nerdy to obsess over.

Web series (2007-2009, Extras): 4 Rivoli plans out of 5

Season 1 & 2 (2017-2018): 4 fair use laws out of 5

BlackBerry (2023)

1996: Waterloo, Ontario. Mike and Doug are two tech geniuses with an idea who hire the shrewd, aggressive Jim as salesman to whip their business into shape and start churning out results, in what would eventually become the prototype for the smartphone. Normally I find movies about start-ups boring, and I'm not sure how many liberties were taken, but it's a lot more interesting than it has any right to be, mostly due to the charisma of its two main leads. Innovation is the name of the game, and the BlackBerry was advanced for its time, but the world moves quickly and nothing ever stays the same for long.

3½ satisfying clicks out of 5

Operation Avalanche (2016)

A mockumentary set during the space race of the late 1960s, it explores the idea of the U.S. faking the moon landing to get ahead of the Russians, a famous conspiracy theory explored in popular media (including in 2024). A pair of CIA agents infiltrate NASA to expose a possible mole and wind up participating in the subterfuge. What's really impressive about this film is how it recreates the era and blends the footage to look authentic. Matt Johnson already had some experience with this shooting style in The Dirties and Nirvanna the Band the Show, but this is a much more mature interpolation and the effect is seamless.

3 Kubrick techniques out of 5

Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die (2026)

A man comes ranting and raving into a diner, attempting to recruit a group of saviors to help prevent an upcoming apocalypse. Turns out he's done this 117 times before, but has yet to select the right combination of patrons. It's a plan enshrouded in mystery and flashbacks, so just go with it. Sam Rockwell heads this loopy high concept sci-fi comedy by Gore Verbinski, which blends a Terry Gilliam aesthetic with Black Mirror dystopian vibes. This film is unhinged in the best way possible and I loved it. Go into it blind for the best possible results.

4 countdown clocks out of 5