Lemon Popsicle (1978)

AKA: Eskimo Limon

American rock 'n' roll music and nubile young women. What could be better? Being the guy who winds up with the girl, of course. Set in late '50s Tel Aviv, Benji and his horny friends are consumed with women and whose humorous misadventures in pursuit of sex usually end up blowing up in their faces, when Benji falls for new girl Nikki and feelings gradually become more complicated.

Inspired by coming-of-age films like American Graffiti and Summer of '42, this classic teen sex comedy then went on to influence the likes of Porky's, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Revenge of the Nerds and American Pie. As Israel's highest-grossing film of all time, it spawned a huge franchise numbering 9 or 10 entries. I've always meant to watch them all, but have yet to find quality subtitled versions. Looks like I'll have to put it off for yet another year...

4 dick measuring contests out of 5

Chocolate Strawberry Vanilla (2013)

Warren is a lonely, timid ice cream man having a tough go at it. Constantly harangued by the dregs of society, he passes his time by watching old VHS copies of his favorite soap opera starring his crush, Katey George. His life is devoid, meaningless, and in need of a major shake up. Retreating further and further from reality in order to cope, it's only so long before a man is pushed too far. It goes without saying that I'm biased, but I love this dark little indie.

4 furious faps out of 5

Ice Cream Man (2026)

No relation. Eli Roth takes on the domestic horror of suburbia. After being seduced by the ice cream man's sweet serenade, the neighborhood kids go on a rampage against the adults. It's a little bit Children of the Corn and Beware! Children at Play, yet all I could think about was Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Any which way you slice it, it's pretty cheesy, but strangely irresistible.

1½ lactose intolerances out of 5

Note: The film was accompanied by a fake grindhouse trailer, Don't Go in That House, Bitch!, which may or may not actually be its own upcoming movie.

Ice Cream Man (1995)

Ahh, the sweet allure of the ice cream man. Nothing says nostalgia like a hot summer's day and that familiar jingle. Little do you know, he might be a serial killer working out of his truck who chops up small children and serves them up as ingredients in his special recipe. This one is an oldie but a crappy; a cheesy classic which I was never quite fond of, despite the presence of cult favorite Clint Howard at his most repugnant. It's very basic but has the charm of cheapy '90s direct-to-video nasties. It scratches an itch, but not a very deep one.

1½ brain freezes out of 5

Evil Dead Burn (2026)

They're just releasing Evil Dead films willy-nilly now. This doesn't even feel like the event film it should be...just a casual release dumped in the middle of summer. I guess it's safe to say this is now considered its own trilogy and not a series of reboots as I had assumed, since one has nothing to do with the other. However, it won't remain a trilogy for long, since it's already being followed by yet another standalone, Evil Dead Wrath. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Sébastien Vaniček has been handed the keys to the kingdom, along with a cast of relative unknowns. At a wake, tempers flare and the dead indeed remain evil. You want buckets of gore? Check. Ridiculous over-the-top situations? Check. Despite the presence of the Necronomicon, Kandarian Dagger and a double dose of buzzsaws, this doesn't feel much like Evil Dead to me. It's too serious, too angry, too intense. It feels more like torture porn at this point, which was never the point of this series. Trading brutality for any sense of character development or story, it merely becomes a series of horrifying scenarios. Weirdly, it reminded me a lot of that Mummy movie from a few months back. Still, I'm of two minds about it; I enjoy the sheer balls of it, but feel like it's simply going through the motions. I really despise this blatant bastardization of the original Evil Dead brand. It's just not fun anymore.

2½ jackhammers out of 5

SOULM8TE (2026)

A software engineer grieving the loss of his wife decides to take the AI beta companion model out for a spin and easily falls for it when it presents as the perfect partner. As he tweaks her code and removes the restrictions to make her more human, of course it all backfires on him. This spin-off of the M3GAN series leans more towards sci-fi erotic thriller, as both the natural evolution of Her and Ex Machina, and yet another formulaic cautionary tale in the style of AfrAId. Personally, this is everything I've ever wanted in my life. Believe me, when robots get to the point of looking like that, I won't fucking care.

2½ Kegels out of 5

Her Private Hell (2026)

This. Movie. Is. So. Deliberately. Slow. When I went into it, I didn't even realize this was Nicolas Winding Refn's first new film in a decade, since the marvelous The Neon Demon. It involves an actress working on a sci-fi movie as well as a parallel storyline involving a man searching for his daughter in hell, and how these two stories intersect, I still have no idea. It features Refn's trademark dreamy style draped in red, purple and blue, and a superbly lush score by Pino Donaggio which I wish were attached to a more worthy film. It's a pretentious, fartsy, neon-soaked mess that succeeded in nothing more than sending me to sleep. I didn't know what was going on, but more importantly, I just didn't care.

1 Leatherman out of 5

Hadestown: The Musical (2026)

An intimate scaled-down performance, this filmed version of the hit Broadway musical tells the story of Orpheus and Eurydice: a penniless poet and a woman seduced by the promises of riches of an underground town. Though the story primarily revolves around the fate of these Greek characters, it's Persephone who stands out to me, trying to win back her lover Hades's hand. It's a simple tale, told over two and a half hours of a blues-infused jazzy soundscape. I like it for what it is, but my issue is more with the cruel myth that it's based on.

3 belladonna kisses out of 5

Moana (2026)

Welp, here we go again. Just 10 short years ago, the original Moana became a modern Disney classic. It earned a sequel which was equally beautiful, though less warmly received. Now they've decided to cash in on the original yet again with a nearly shot-for-shot recreation. The best you can say about many of these live-action remakes is that they're mostly the same, only worse. Luckily, the original remains in such high regard, that even a knockoff isn't enough to dampen its spirits. The practical locations are magical; it's the overabundance of CGI that bogs it down. Newcomer Catherine Laga'aia is cast perfectly as the seabound Moana, while The Rock reprises his role as the demigod Maui whilst rocking a full head of hair. It's far from terrible, it's just like, what's the point? To squeeze more milk from the mouse's teat. Still, I enjoyed it. It made me feel like a kid again, even though I was well into my 30s when I saw the first one.

3 Kakamora out of 5

Minions & Monsters (2026)

I'll admit, I haven't been keeping up with the Despicable Me series. This is the 7th overall film in the series, and the 3rd prequel spinoff to revolve around the Minions. I hate these yellow assholes with a passion. However, this one takes a slightly different tack and revolves around an alternative history of cinema, set in 1920s Hollywood. Since these pee-stained pricks only speak in nonsense gibberish anyway, it essentially takes on the feeling of a silent film. However, what had such great potential as a premise (for the first 15 minutes anyway) quickly devolves into colorful, low-hanging fruit to appease small children. It's a shame because as a tribute to early cinema and with fun film references peppered in for cinephiles (including a cameo from George Lucas), it elevates it from another trash entry but still fails to break out of the mold.

2 mini Cthulhu out of 5

Ulysses (1954)

AKA: Ulisse

Kirk Douglas stars as Ulysses, king of Ithaca. Punished by the gods for his role in the Trojan War, he is sentenced to wander the seas, continually knocked off-course and deprived of his memory. Meanwhile, his wife Penelope hangs on to hope that he's still alive, whilst fending off a league of suitors at home. This Italian-American co-production is a serviceable, condensed version of Homer that hits on many of the highlights, including the cyclops Polyphemus.

You know what I miss? The '50s version of buff, which still seemed attainable.

3 Trojan horses out of 5

The Odyssey (1997)

Odysseus sets off with his crew to conquer Troy at the beginning of an epic fantastical adventure set in a world of gods and monsters. What I like about this adaptation is that it tells the story in chronological order (unlike Homer), which makes it easier to follow along on the trials and tribulations of its hero's journey, and also helps to hammer home how long and plodding this voyage lasts. I would argue this two-part made-for-TV movie has a bit too much fluff added to pad its 3-hour runtime, but it's probably the most faithful regarding its content. Unfortunately, you can feel the constraints of the budget which hinders its overall vision, while the cheesy special effects easily date it.

2½ Nobodies out of 5

The Odyssey (2026)

Two things:

1) This is the best version of Homer's Odyssey ever committed to film.

2) This is far from the best telling of this story.

No one was less excited about this movie than me. Even with Chris Nolan at the helm, a 3-hour epic based on a 3,000-year-old text is a big ask. I'm glad to be proven wrong. Matt Damon leads the big budget, all-star cast as Odysseus. Following a 10-year battle in Troy, it details his 10-year journey to get back home to Ithaca, told confusingly out of order. It's Greek mythology conveyed through grounded realism, captured practically for the most part on real-life locations. In order to emphasize its epic scale, it's also the first feature to be shot entirely on 70mm IMAX film, which comes with its own set of caveats. I found the colors on screen to be a bit drab and the sound mixing is absolutely horrendous. I watched it in IMAX, and for half the film the entire theater was rumbling, making it even harder to decipher dialogue. It's an all-out assault on the senses, although it makes the quieter moments stand out. No one would ever accuse Nolan of being a bad director, but he tends to be a little self-indulgent at times. However, there are moments here where you are held at rapt attention. As a fan of cinema, you owe it to yourself to check it out on the biggest screen possible, even though I still maintain it's far from perfect. 

4 gods defied out of 5

Note: If you enjoyed this modern retelling, I highly recommend The Return, which focuses on the final part of this story. 

Spider-Man: Brand New Day (2026)

Following the big spoiler at the end of No Way Home, Peter Parker is going through some pretty dramatic ch-ch-ch-changes. Meanwhile, he faces off against a powerful adversary who appears to be able to jump into different human hosts at will. It's your traditional comic book story involving heroes struggling to fulfill their purpose while overcoming great adversity, except this time everyone is firing on all cylinders (Punisher included). As always, humanity defines these characters, and at the heart of it, it's a warm, gentle story. I have nothing cynical to add. This is just a great Spider-Man adventure.

4 premature webshots out of 5

Note: Next up for our crew? Avengers: Doomsday, in time for Christmas 2026.

Jackass: Best and Last (2026)

Fun fact: I've seen every Jackass film on opening night since the first one was released in 2002. I love this stuff. It hits on a universal truth. It's only funny if it doesn't happen to you. You can't go into a movie called Jackass expecting high art. That's your first mistake. Once you meet it on its own level, you can enjoy the shenanigans. If you laugh, you don't get to claim the moral high ground.

We're all getting fucking old. None is more true than for the Jackass crew, who has put their bodies through the wringer over the past 25 years. Now in their 50s, they reflect back on their career highlights and lowlights, with a showcase of old footage and new. Disappointingly, it becomes a glorified clip show, with the new content being minimal and played a bit too safe. It's mostly a nostalgic trip down memory lane, but the Jackass farewell deserved better. 

This is far from the best that Jackass has to offer. Jackass Forever was a much better send-off for this crew. 25 years goes out with a whimper, not a bang.

2 peanut butter rectal exams out of 5