In a Nutshell. Mini reviews of movies old and new. No fuss. No spoilers. And often no sleep.

Thursday 31 May 2012

MEN IN BLACK II [2002]

Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith reprise their roles as Agents J & K in this dismal 2002 sequel to the sci-fi comedy Men In Black.  
All the same elements of the first film are here only this time it simply just doesn't work.  What was a perfect blend of silly, bizarre and creative, is all pulverized into an uneven pile of mush in the second film.  Set in New York,  MIB II fell victim to heavy edits because of 9/11 and the Two Towers originally being featured quite heavily in the original cut, so that might have a lot to do with the sloppy mess that it is. 
...and Lara Flynn Boyle just plain sucks.

2 Rick Fuck Yeah Baker is the STAR out of 5

11:14 [2003]

5 different stories literally collide into each other which results in the darkly comedic 2003 thriller 11:14.  Each featured character is an idiot and every choice they make leads into bad, bad things for themselves and anybody that crosses their paths.  It's fast-paced and well acted with help from flashy dialogue and non-linear storytelling which all make for a jewel in the rough.  A "what you see is what you get" type of film but still bloody good fun.

3 gunfire n' church bells out of 5 

THE MAN FROM EARTH [2007]

From the late Jerome Bixby, one of  the writers of the original Star Trek series, comes this fascinating story about a man who's lived for 14,000 years.
It's slow-paced, low budget and set all in one place, so don't expect any giant robot fights or any slo-mo boob shots here.  It challenges your beliefs, spirituality and will to keep an open-mind, which has led to some angry backlashes from the people this film's message was directed towards.
It's not for everybody but if you're in the mood for the thinking man's sci-fi then I'd safely recommend this.

3½ bottles of Johnnie Walker Green out of 5

Wednesday 30 May 2012

MEN IN BLACK [1997]

Based on the premise of the Malibu comics, Barry Sonnenfeld's Men In Black adaptation is considerably lighter in tone and just right for popcorn munching & shit-eating grins aplenty.
Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith seem to be having a lot of fun hamming it up and looking good doing it, while Vincent D'Onofrio steals the show as the "bug man".  The humor and sci-fi elements are spread evenly throughout this smoothly paced story which make for good mindless fun.
Rick Baker's hilariously bizarre creature effects are the main star here.

4 galaxy sporting cats out of 5

Tuesday 29 May 2012

Control (2007)

Anton Corbijn makes up for that awful Joy Division video he made in ’88 by giving us a beautifully lit, sumptuous monochrome biopic of singer/poet Ian Curtis' short but affecting life. Everyone involved gives it credibility and an intense but never forced integrity. Corbijn’s masterpiece.
The cinematographer deserves a mention, Martin Ruhe take a bow.

5 wasp-swatting dances out of 5

Joy Division (2007)

A documentary using rare archive footage and more recent interviews to build up a picture of a scene that four young men, hoping to escape their suburban hell, unwittingly found themselves pioneering. The tragedy of Ian Curtis is a central theme. The remaining band members give testimony, as does Annik Honoré. Ian’s wife Deborah is absent, but her words are used when necessary. Fans of Joy Division will find a candid and honest recollection of a time and a place that changed musical history forever. It's respectful, but doesn't shy away from the harsh truths.

4 watch Control (2007) and then watch this out of 5

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Requiem scares me; not in the traditional sense, but in a very real, unshakable, under the skin way. It has two parallel stories that overlap occasionally. Together they present an overwhelmingly suffocating experience that once seen will never be forgotten, no matter how much you may want to.
If film awards meant anything then Ellen Burstyn would have a closet full of them for her work. Stylistically, it’s Aronofsky through and through - for me that’s a good thing. Watch it.

5 refrigerators out of 5

Moon (2009)

Moon is an indie film that excels technically. It never once feels like it's shot on a low budget and the lighting isn't just functional, it becomes an integral part of a scene. The film steals liberally from the great sci-fi films of yesteryear, but it does so lovingly, its art imitating art imitating life. On the down side, I thought Kevin Spacey a poor choice for the voice of the computer. A little more emotion from Sam would have helped the film rise above the simple homage that it is. On a technical level it scores a perfect 5 out of 5. However, lacking pathos as it does, it earns a strong:

3½ model miniatures rock out of 5

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

Brendan Fraser returns. Rachel Weisz decided she wanted to go off and be a proper actress in proper films, judge for yourself if she succeeded or not, so the Evelyn character is played by someone new. Alex, the irritating kid, is grown up and is now an irritating young adult.
Just because you can make a trilogy doesn't mean you should.

1 are we done yet? out of 5

Saturday 26 May 2012

The Mummy Returns (2001)

The addition of an irritating eight-year-old kid makes the sequel less fun, which seems ironic considering my justifications for loving the first one. I may have enjoyed it more if I was his age? No. He’s just irritating. The story is similar to the first one, except for when it's all over the place. It feels like a series of set pieces stitched together with thin plot thread that could break at any time. The returning cast members do their best to keep it fun and interesting. The Rock makes a very small cameo.

2½ retreads in shifting sands out of 5

Friday 25 May 2012

The Mummy (1999)

Rick O'Connell finds the fabled lost City of Hamunaptra and soon the sand and the shit hit the fan in Hollywood blockbuster fashion. I should hate this but I don’t. I love it. The casting is excellent. It’s a big dumb action/adventure film, the kind of thing you’d want on a Saturday morning as a kid. That’s its greatest charm; it makes me feel like a kid with no expectations to disappoint. I just drink it in like fizzy juice. The bubbles make me belch and I chuckle. I would love a frolic through the prop dept.

3½ pip pip, I'll score it how I like out of 5

From Justin to Kelly (2003)

I knew from the start From Justin to Kelly would be awful, but I didn't know what sort of awful it would be. Now, after a long, torturous, alcohol infused night, I know that it's the very worst kind of bad film: the kind that is so exceedingly dull that even its complete and utter terribleness can't make it entertaining.

 From Justin to Kelly is basically the plot of a Hilary Duff music video extended from 3 minutes to 120. There are songs, which I think consist of free stock music combined with hastily scribbled down lyrics, and there are dance numbers, which I think were choreographed by 13 year olds. The film's one marvel, if you can call it that, is that its chemistry-less leads aren't even close to being the worst actors in the movie. Kudos to whoever dragged up people who could make them look good.

 0 even calling Justin Guarini Sideshow Bob can't save this movie out of 5

Thursday 24 May 2012

Carrie (1976)

No synopsis this time. I'm not even using the English language DVD cover because it's 100% spoiler. All I'll say is I don't consider Carrie a horror film but rather a coming of age thriller that raises the bar of everyone involved. Sissy Spacek as Carrie White gives the finest performance I think I've ever witnessed in any film by anyone, ever; she's terrifyingly believable.
Piper Laurie infuses her role with an unforgettable power and intensity.
It's the first and one of the best Stephen King adaptations, second only perhaps to The Shining (1980). Although, in truth, some days I simply can't decide which one I think is the better film, so let's call them equal.

5 Red light, Green light out of 5

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS [2000]

Oh Sweet Zombie Jesus!  What the fuck was that?
Inspired the roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, this shitfest meanders along feeling the need to let the characters explain every single action that happens on screen like it's a 3 year old watching.  
I get the feeling the director and writer merely flipped through a Dungeon Master's manual when it came to research for this film.  Jeremy Irons looks painfully embarrassed and rushes through his lines likes he's racing towards the paycheck.  The characters are so terribly miscast, particularly Marlon Wayans who makes Eddie Murphy in Mulan look like Confucius.
Fuck this movie.

½ a Magic Missile to the brain out of 5

Wednesday 23 May 2012

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Stuart Baird decided he didn’t need to watch a single episode of TNG, so instead of making what could have been a ST:TNG version of Khan he made a shitty Star Wars film with characters he didn't understand. It’s saved by the regular cast members who imbue their roles with their usual professionalism.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Baird hasn't directed a single thing since.
Best moment: Wesley Crusher gets 99% of his scenes cut. Priceless.

2½ because of the cast, mostly Data out of 5

Tuesday 22 May 2012

THE AVENGERS [2012]

Joss Whedon's much anticipated comic book spectacle The Avengers (the sixth installment in the MCU series) meets all expectations and more.  The perfect blend of humor, cheesy comic book moments, humanity, character juggling and jaw-dropping action is to die for.  Summer blockbusters haven't been this much fun since Jurassic Park or Men In Black.  Whedon and Mark Ruffalo bring something to the Bruce Banner/Hulk character that's never been done properly before.  
Bravo.  More please.

4 puny gods out of 5

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

Data goes apeshit. Picard and his crew make it their business to find out why. The film is a mixed bag. The good bits are exciting and sometimes funny, but for long-time fans it's obvious that it's treading old ground. If you can forget that you've seen this kind of thing a dozen times already in the weekly TNG television series, then the story is entertaining enough.
It's less action-filled than the last film, with more quiet, reflective moments, but production values are high, and aside from one face-palm moment involving Commander Riker and a joystick it's worth watching.

3 haystacks out of 5

Monday 21 May 2012

SOURCE CODE [2011]

Duncan Jones directs Jake Gyllenhaal in the well-paced 2011 techno-thriller, Source Code.  It combines elements of Quantum Leap and The Manchurian Candidate to produce an effective thrill ride that constantly keeps you guessing.  The story line gets pretty complicated which has it's ups and downs. Normally, techno-geek plots like this are too smart and not enough heart, but Jones manages to provide just enough to pack an emotional punch.  Unfortunately the plot has so many layers it collapses in the final act and has a tough time picking itself up again.

3 "Oh boy"'s out of 5

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

The Borg, arguably the most menacing of the Next Gen villains (before Voyager turned them into clumsy halfwits), attempt to bring the Federation to its knees once and for all. Picard says, No! Not on my watch!
FC is Picard and Data's story, everyone else is just along for the ride. That suits me; those two stalwart characters are my all time favourites. It manages to be both an action movie and a Trek movie, striking a balance that previous films had failed to find. It’s a triumphant first solo outing for TNG crew.

4 pleasures of the flesh out of 5

A SERBIAN FILM [2010]

I can see why people might enjoy films like SAW or The Human Centipede.  To simply be entertained by something so outrageous and offensive it can't possibly be taken seriously.
A Serbian Film does it damndest to be taken seriously and this is where it stops being entertainment.  It's merely offensive trash washed over an insanely boring story  in the hopes of making a buck off of silly people who think they're hardcore for watching something so disturbing and repulsive. 
You really don't want to see this film...even if you think you do.
You just don't.

1 star for impressive and believable effects.

Sunday 20 May 2012

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

Captains Kirk and Picard in the same film? Oh my!
Don’t analyse the plot too much or you’ll be screaming at the screen. It involves a man with a singular objective who must be stopped and, of course, it falls to the Enterprise crew to stop him. The emotional side, exploring family and duty, is handled clumsily and irritatingly twee. That part of it should've been rewritten prior to shooting. It never feels like a feature film, more like an extended episode with some moody lighting, so non-Trek fans need not apply.

3 arguments with history out of 5

Wednesday 16 May 2012

Hang 'Em High (1968)

If you're going to lynch a man you'd better do it right, otherwise he'll turn around and bite you on your guilty ass. Clint knows. Along the way he finds time to remain dapper and clean-shaven, even after days of travelling across dusty plains and fighting bad guys in the dirt.
It’s not a perfect film but it’s an interesting film, seeing the usual good/bad formula shaken up a bit is always good fun. The patch of verdant green that surrounds the gallows was a nice touch.

3 bring the kids to the show of 5

Tuesday 15 May 2012

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)

The third and final film in Leone's trilogy perfects the Italian 'Spaghetti' Western trademarks that he'd toyed with in the previous two films: the laughing bandit, the extreme close-up on the eyes, the time dilation, the three man stand-off and, of course, the unforgettable Ennio Morricone score. It clocks in at just under three hours, so it’s a long haul with a lot of story to assimilate, but it’s worth every bum-numbing minute.

4½ there are two types of men in this world... out of 5

For a Few Dollars More (1965)

Two bounty hunters go after the same target in the second film in Leone's Dollars Trilogy. Clint is the first of them, doing what he did before with an equal amount of unhurried, casual style. Lee Van Cleef is the other, dressed almost entirely in black attire and having a particular fondness for rifles.
Without a Kurosawa script to plunder the film plods along like a lame mule while it splits time across three different approaches to a single event. Leone enjoyed long-drawn narratives but it's fair to say the plotting was in need of refinement. Nevertheless, the well-drawn characters and cinematography are strong enough to keep viewer-interest until the threads come together. Plus, Morricone’s amazing score helps keep everything on track when Leone can't.

3½ long shots out of 5

Monday 14 May 2012

A Fistful of Dollars (1964)

An unsanctioned remake of Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo (1961) gave Sergio Leone the story he needed to craft one of the finest westerns I've ever seen.
Budgetary constraints were the second factor. Open vistas and extreme close-ups were used to hide the failings of the film stock, which worked in the film's favour, emerging as some of its most defining attributes.
No one looks as bad-ass as Clint does in a poncho. He plays the anti-hero with stubble so stubbly it could polish a diamond. Like the yojimbo character he strolls into town and casually sets up camp between two warring factions. He says very little but manages to be utterly engaging.

4½ short cigars out of 5

ALICE IN WONDERLAND [2010]

Director Tim Burton seemed like the perfect choice to take up the task of recreating Lewis Carrol's Alice In Wonderland for the silver screen.  Unfortunately he sets us up for a colossal disappointment. 
The highlights of this film are, surprise surprise, the colorful visuals and Danny Elfman's quirky music.  Mia Wasikowska holds her own very well against the wonderfully crazed performances from Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter.  The problem here is the boring story, and lack of emotional character development.  By the end of the film, I couldn't help but feel this was one big pointless spectacle.

2½ "Where's My Obligatory Tim Burton Main Titles Sequence? God Dammit!" out of 5

Sunday 13 May 2012

The Hunger Games (2012)

I managed to avoid The Hunger Games trend for ages. Then, a friend wanted to see the film, and I read all three books and saw the movie in a weekend. Thankfully, the film is a decent adaptation that sticks closely to the source material while adding interesting new elements.

However, when it comes to action, The Hunger Games fails. It relies on shaky-cam for its PG-13 rating, meaning the brutality of the games is lost. The film also seems to assume viewers have read the books. If I hadn't sped through them before hitting the theaters, several elements would have left me lost. In comparison to the last young adult success story, Twilight, The Hunger Games is a masterpiece. Taken alone, it's simply okay.

2 and 1/2 genetically altered bee induced hallucinations out of 5.

Saturday 12 May 2012

DREAD [2009]

I've come to expect disappointment when it came to adaptations of Clive Barker's Books Of Blood short stories.  So Dread was a surprisingly more pleasant experience than the others.
Three college students study the fear of others for a school project and it gets deadly serious and that's about it.  The film begins to drag for a bit but it quickly picks up speed when it gets back on track with Barker's original intentions.  A little miscast, poorly directed and all around bumpy, Dread isn't as awful as the other BOB films but it's not as great as it could be.

2½ confusingly sexy birthmarks out of 5

THE VISITOR [2008]

Much like Thomas McCarthy's previous film, The Station Agent, The Visitor sneaks up on you, then floors you with it's thoughtful and emotional impact.
The story focuses on a lonely man who is introduced to the world of playing music at a late age and then the horrors of racial identity in a post-911 New York.
Richard Jenkins and Hiam Abass give in absolutely compelling performances that demand recognition.  It follows an obvious formula but McCarthy has a knack for evading all the cliches along the way and never comes off as phony schmaltz.

4 kick ass jam sessions out of 5

EDEN LAKE [2008]

James Watkins directs this brutal and upsetting British thriller that is more miss than hit. It follows a couple on a camping trip that's disturbed by a group of bad seed kids, one of which turns out to be a sociopathic murderer. 
It's fairly predictable in some spots and the complete opposite in others.  Several scenes threaten to fall apart, however it manages to compromise that with an ending that leaves your jaw on the floor with an overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling of disgust and sadness for humanity.

2½ unlucky dogs out of 5

The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)

Pluto Nash. Yup. It’s real. Someone (you know who you are) better laugh it up as much as they can because he’s going to be eating moist kitty litter for giving me this eye-bleeder. Out of respect for his reasons, and to raise my anger to a suitable level whereby I can punish his testicles with nettles without any pangs of remorse, I watched all of it. All. Every bastard bit. My Friday night, ruined. There will be blood and swollen, stinging man parts. It lost the studio over $100 million. Good. That means there won’t be a sequel.

0½ because, amazingly, I've been forced to watch worse out of 5

Friday 11 May 2012

Dust Devil: The Director’s Cut (1993)

DD is an amazing film, hampered only by acting worse than a British soap opera. It feels like a Western, although it’s set in South Africa. Some imaginative and expressively seductive use of filters and lighting give it a reality that feels like a drug-induced spirit journey, like it was birthed from the union of a Clive Barker short and a Ray Bradbury nightmare.
The director's commentary adds so much more to the symbolism, so if you have the time and enjoy those kinds of things then it's worth your time.
The film exists in a number of different versions of varying lengths. Mine was the Optimum release, running 104 mins.

4 severed fingers out of 5

Thursday 10 May 2012

CLASH OF THE TITANS [2010]


Crap out of 5.

BOOK OF BLOOD [2009]

Adapted from the intro & outro combined from Clive Barker's Books Of Blood anthology, Book Of Blood is a steaming pile of cenobite feces.
The direction, photography and execution is horribly amateurish which is all decorated with some of the most cringe-worthy acting I've ever seen, particularly from the lead, Sophie Ward.  There are next to no scares and what is supposed to be scary could have been done with some thought or originality but comes off as TV movie of the week fluff.  Terrible.  Just terrible.

1 Pinhead & Chatterers out of 5

Tuesday 8 May 2012

THE GREY [2012]

Liam Neeson continues his run of angry, violent revenge/survival films in the unsettling and dreary The Grey.
Directed by Joe Carnahan, this suspenseful piece of depression tells the story of plane crash survivors struggling to stay alive in the wilderness of Alaska while being hunted down by a pack of vicious wolves.
The Grey is brutal, unapologetic and void of all hope yet manages to wrap all that around a meaningful heart that allows you to actually care.  
Plus, those wolves are feckin' scary.

3½ leaps of faith out of 5

Phone Booth (2002)

An arrogant douche gets trapped in a phone booth. Not because he's an idiot and can't work a door, but because if he leaves there'll be dire consequences.
About eighty percent of the film is focussed on one man in a booth, shot in sequence over just ten days. It's an interesting if flawed viewing experience, particularly for the film student.
Oirish boy Farrell impresses in the emotional scenes. I didn't think him capable of that. I was wrong. His momma should be proud.
Phone booth. Broken window. Trapped. Hitchcock homage? Give Farrell a blonde wig, stat!

2½ little red dots out of 5

Monday 7 May 2012

THE WOMAN IN BLACK [2012]


Daniel Radcliffe steps out of his wizard's cloak and enters into the Gothic horror world of the Hammer films in this effective adaption of Susan Hill's ghost story novel The Woman In Black.
It thrills and chills to the bone and never resorts to gore like most horror films would do today.  It's a good old fashioned ghost story that never really breaks any new barriers or pulls any shocking twists & turns. However it serves it's purpose and does so with incredibly eerie class.

3 Scary ass bunnies out of 5

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL [2011]

The Incredibles and Ratatouille director Brad Bird dives right into his first live action film with the fourth installment of the popular Mission: Impossible franchise.
With the help of J.J. Abrams & Tom Cruise serving as producers and a highly entertaining cast including Simon Pegg, Jeremy Renner & Michael Nyqist, Bird flies high on this absurd yet tightly paced popcorn action flick.  Utilizing his animator's eye, Bird's use of the visual space and color is hardly ever wasted. Even the brilliantly inconceivable climax comes off as an action piece from a Pixar film.  Good fun and nothing more.

3½ Missiles headed towards Pixar home offices out of 5

Species (1995)

Scientists make an alien/human hybrid using DNA data transmitted from the deep dark corners of space. You just know that’s going to end well.
Species could have been really amazing. The first half hour is great. The creature design is excellent. The CGI is bad. Natasha Henstridge is surprisingly good. Forest Whitaker is his usual great self. Everyone else is wooden. The pacing is clumsy. The finale is abysmal.  In the end it’s more shit than shine, but has a few moments that will please sci-fi/horror fans.

2½ parent traps out of 5

Sunday 6 May 2012

CRAZY HEART [2009]


Jeff Bridges delivers a delicately realistic performance in this ode to the country music that the mainstream  forgot.
Crazy Heart follows the life of a washed up alcoholic country artist who's grasping onto a once glorious career by performing in small town bars and bowling alleys.  Despite having an all too familiar story and never touching on some subjects as harshly as it should, the film is raised up a notch by the superb performances and wonderful music.

4 weary kinds out of 5

Saturday 5 May 2012

Equilibrium (2002)

Equilibrium steals its entire plot from George Orwell's 1984 and Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. It has nothing original to say whatsoever.
Emotion is punishable by death. The people are policed by law enforcing warrior-priests who use drugs to suppress their own emotions, so Christian Bale’s wooden acting and inability to emote is probably what got him the job. Besides the environment, the only thing it does well is killed off in the first ten minutes.
Emily Watson brings the beautiful to an empty shell of a film.

1 the architecture is the real star out of 5

Friday 4 May 2012

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN [2008]

Japanese director Ryuhei Kitamura makes his American debut by bringing Clive Barker's Books Of Blood short story The Midnight Meat Train to the screen. 
A gruesomely bizarre tale about a photographer who becomes obsessed with hunting down a serial killer who fancies meat hooks on the New York subway.   It's stylish, moody and heavy on the atmosphere but sadly very light on character development, story pacing and riddled with terrible CGI blood.  

2 Barker paintings out of 5

Thursday 3 May 2012

FORBIDDEN ZONE [1982]

Directed by camp cult director Richard Elfman, Forbidden Zone is like an offensive and outrageously bizarre live action Max Fleischer cartoon.  Filled with racism, sexism, domestic abuse, school shoot-ups, drug use and rape,  it's all stitched together with zany Cab Calloway-esque musical numbers courtesy of Danny Elfman & Oingo Boingo.
The acting, editing, story and direction is terrible yet strangely alluring.  Like a shoestring budget train wreck, one can't help but continue watching until the end.  

2 Dilbert themes out of 5

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Secretary (2002)

If the perfect couple exist, then it follows there must also be an imperfect couple. How about a mentally unstable secretary and an aggressively shy boss with an odd quirk? That’ll fit the template. Together they find healing in the oddest places. Between two consenting adults those places can get pretty damn odd. Secretary is a feel good film for the bored and jaded.

3½ spelling errors are fun out of 5