THE LION KING [1994]

Disney's take on William Shakespeare's Hamlet comes in the form of singing jungle animals in the beautifully animated The Lion King.
It's about a young lion cub who must reclaim his throne as the King, after his father is murdered by his manipulative uncle and a pack of ravaging hyenas.
Dig a little deeper and you find a tale of love, hope and the search for one's identity.  The expressively lush animation shines bright and keeps one's eyes glued to the screen from beginning to end.  Most of the voicework is pretty dull, with the exception of Jeremy Irons and Nathan Lane who both steal each scene they're in.  While the songs might be a bit much here and there, they're not overly offensive.  I couldn't help but pick apart Disney's idea of social hierarchy and how it treats brawn over brains, rich over poor and how we should just accept what we're born into.
Still, as an piece of animation, I couldn't help but be in awe of the dedication put into crafting it into what it is.

4 circles of life out of 5

HIGH-RISE [2015]

To date director Ben Wheatley hasn't made a film that is easily digestible for the average viewer and he's not about to start with his adaptation of novelist J.G. Ballard's satirical pre-Thatcher warning High-Rise.
Set in the 70's, a doctor moves into a chic Mega City-esque apartment building (looking as if it were frozen on the brink of collapse) built to provide it's residents with everything they need in order to never leave, which eventually leads to a clash of the classes.
A not-so subtle paranoid dissection of human stratification, High-Rise is wickedly funny, darkly surreal and generates the same sort of intimate coldness David Cronenberg mastered.  There's some pacing issues and it isn't quite as fascinating as it wants to be but Tom Hiddleston's performance and Wheatley's eye for stark beauty is more than enough to keep your eyes glued to the screen.

3 unhappy bunnies bouncing about out of 5

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE [2016]

DC Comics, Warner Bros. & director Zack Snyder clumsily rush into an attempt to create a comic book movie universe as large as MCU's with the overly zealous Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.
Broody Batsy dukes it out with frowny Supes while shadowy Wonder Woman makes her big-screen debut and in the process steals any scene she's in.
By borrowing mostly from Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, the film promises a load of unintentional silliness amongst it's seriousness and hilariously clunky dialogue that a 14-year old could write.   Then toss Snyder into the mix and you're guaranteed to go big but left wondering where all the substance got lost in something this huge.
On the plus side, there's the odd exciting moment, plenty of pretty looking visuals and in all honesty, I look forward to seeing Affleck & Irons continue as Batsy & Alfred in their inevitable stand-alone film.

2 really terrible dream sequences out of 5

Dead Ringers (1988)

When Cronenberg helms a story about identical twin gynaecologists who share their patients and their lovers then you expect to find an uncomfortable mixture of sexual practices with clinical ones, but Ringers goes to even deeper levels of unease. The pair live an ordered lifestyle, are outwardly confident, professional and well-respected by their peers, but it's the shadow cast by the privacy of their complex relationship that the viewer needs pay close attention to. Like in a single body or organism, when an interdependent part falls out of sync with its connecting organs malady occurs.
Jeremy Irons is amazing in a dual role, feeding himself emotional triggers and responding to the same situation, sometimes in two very different ways.

4 character distortions out of 5

Kafka (1991)

Soderbergh is a hit and miss director for me. With Kafka he categorically hit. It's not based on any one specific story but is rather an amalgamation of the author's themes. Translating them into film was achieved with occasional canted angles and a beautiful canvas of B+W contrasts courtesy of DoP Walt Lloyd. The deceptively simple depth of field holds within it things that stand out without being pointed out directly - there's a trust that the viewer will know not just where to look but how to look. Influences are plentiful, from Murnau to Lang, Huston, Welles, Reed and even Hitchcock, there's always something interesting to admire (that rooftop!).
Obviously, some knowledge of Kafka's published works will help with placing of references, but it's not necessary to enjoy the film.

4½ internal reverberations out of 5

THE MISSION [1986]

Director Roland Joffé's historical drama The Mission tells of the 1750 Spanish–Portuguese Treaty of Madrid when when Spain handed over part of South America to Portugal.
Here we follow a small group of Spanish Jesuits who attempt to protect a remote native tribe from being abducted into slavery.
All sorts of controversial themes are explored within the richly woven storytelling, some which will be seen from a vastly different sort of minds and ideals that existed when the film first came out.  Amidst all it's gorgeous photography and a particularly beautiful score, courtesy of Ennio Morricone, is a very cold-hearted exploration of Christianity and how helpful and/or damaging it is.  Wherever you sit with the ideals, one can't deny the power of the film and what it sets out to do.

4 heavy loads out of 5

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES [2013]

The comparisons to the more popular supernatural teen romance franchise are inevitable with The Fisher King writer Richard LeGravenese's Beautiful Creatures.
Only what we have here is something much more enjoyable than sparkly vampires with a story that can easily be predicted by the first 5 minutes but it doesn't really matter.  The characters are more interesting, the dialogue is punchier & funnier and the actors are far more appealing, including Jeremy Irons, Emma Thompson and Emmy Rossum turning in some delightful hammy and diabolical performances.  All in all, if there were a franchise, I'd have no problem watching more.

3 three dimensional movies out of 5

DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE [1995]

Number 3 in the Die Hard series changes things up a bit by adding a With A Vengeance to the title.
John McTiernan returns to the director's chair after stepping out from the second film and with him he brings back the fun something fierce.  Sure it runs around without a point for the first half hour or so but once it decides which way it's going the action is non-stop brainless entertainment with Jeremy Irons and Samuel L. Jackson tossed in for extra "fuck yeahs".   Basically the film winds up with some great punches and leaves without so much as a bruise.  Good times.  Good times.

3½ riddles out of 5

INLAND EMPIRE [2006]

Clocking in at 3 hours long, I occasionally got the feeling director David Lynch was having a laugh at the thought of viewers sitting through the senseless collection of awkward scenarios in Inland Empire.
While it does contain the typical Lynchian ingredients like a woman in trouble, cool music, low bassy droning to keep you on edge, characters wandering aimlessly around hallways looking scared, red curtains and asshole officers of the law, you can't help but feel it's Lynch parodying himself unintentionally.  It's essentially the dictionary definition of an "artsy fartsy" film with bizarre dialogue delivery, extended close-ups and subtitles.  Still, Laura Dern pulls of a great, if not confusing performance and there are many interesting scenes even if they don't make sense.
...oh...and bunnies.  There's bunnies.

2½ screwdrivers out of 5

The Time Machine (2002)

This version of the H G Wells story is a giant-sized turd, but it proffered some very exciting blink and you’ll miss them sci-fi ideas that could've been plundered to become the basis for something much better. Their inclusion was utterly baffling until I found out the screenplay was by John Logan; that pretty much explained everything.
It scores points for the titular machine, which was a fantastic piece of design, although I’d have liked some crazy pseudoscience to explain how it was able to traverse time. I care about such things. I also care about believable character motivations, which were also absent.

2 terrible words out of 5

Appaloosa (2008)

I love a good western. Appaloosa delivers. It’s not particularly innovative in the story department, two men are hired to protect a town from a violent antagonist, but the main characters are so wonderfully rich that you won’t mind. The friendship between Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris is a beautiful thing. The bond between them is constantly reinforced as they share screen space much of the time. The cinematography is subtle but flawless. It’s piss-inducing funny at times, too.
Ed Harris adapted the story, directed, starred and even did a song for the end credits. It's his baby.

4 what's the word I'm looking for? out of 5

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS [2000]

Oh Sweet Zombie Jesus!  What the fuck was that?

Inspired the roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, this shitfest meanders along feeling the need to let the characters explain every single action that happens on screen like it's a 3 year old watching.  

I get the feeling the director and writer merely flipped through a Dungeon Master's manual when it came to research for this film.  Jeremy Irons looks painfully embarrassed and rushes through his lines likes he's racing towards the paycheck.  The characters are so terribly miscast, particularly Marlon Wayans who makes Eddie Murphy in Mulan look like Confucius.

Fuck this movie.

½ a Magic Missile to the brain out of 5