The Death of Robin Hood (2026)

Did we really need a dark and gritty version of Robin Hood? This is basically Logan without the mutant healing factor. Once known for stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, now the legendary outlaw slaughters everyone for their goods, rich and poor, old and young. Although the bulk of this film takes place on an island as he recovers from an attack, which was exceeding dull and monotonous to slog through. The problem was I just didn't care. The biggest struggle was trying to stay awake. I couldn't wait until it was over.

1 bloodletting out of 5

Disclosure Day (2026)

I have to take a moment to appreciate that it's 2026 and we're getting a new original Spielberg sci-fi epic with possibly one of the last original scores by John Williams. These days feel numbered. Spielberg has been obsessed with extraterrestrials his entire career. It feels like he's completing a cycle here that began nearly 50 years ago with Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In many ways, he's been working towards this film his entire life. The scale is smaller and more intimate, but the implications are timeless. We've all grown so cynical in this day and age, yet I admire how he makes magic and wonder seem possible again in the world, even if it only exists on the silver screen.

3½ cardinals out of 5

The Devil Wears Prada 2 (2026)

It's weird to think how 20 years has passed by in a blink. Feels like the first movie barely came out, now suddenly it's cemented as a 'classic.' Everyone returning from the original has aged two decades but still looks great. Then you realize you've aged the same and you look like shit. It's a sobering fact.

Lots of things have changed in the past 20 years. Print media is obsolete, other roles have been made redundant. You get a few good character moments strewn here and there, but for the most part it's wearisome and lacks bite.

2 HR complaints out of 5

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

A journalist applies to be a personal assistant to the domineering editor at a fashion magazine, where she's confronted with impossible standards and forced to change herself to fit the ideal and try to beat her at her own game.

What annoys about this movie is that it hinges on Anne Hathaway playing a "fat" girl with no style who is treated like shit until she decides to wear the right clothes and then suddenly she's "beautiful." It's fucking stupid. I've never understood fashion and I've never cared about it. A bunch of pretentious gits. But Meryl Streep is so good in the role, you can't help but enjoy it for what it is.

2½ clackers out of 5

Deep Water (2026)

Aw man, this movie had such potential to be great. After a fire breaks out in the plane's cargo hold, passengers brace for impact as they land in the open ocean. What's worse than surviving a plane crash? Fucking sharks. That's right, we have our requisite Jaws knockoff to meet our shitty shark quota this year.

Razzie favorite Renny Harlin brings us one of the most horrific depictions of a plane accident I've ever seen, and this movie actually had me weeping with emotion before the CGI sharks showed up and ruined it. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Damn this stupid shark movie for making me care.

2½ cigarettes out of 5

The Drama (2026)

Over drinks, two couples discuss what's the "worst thing" they've ever done, leading to a major revelation and falling out among the soon-to-be-married couple. The whole movie revolves around the severity of this hypothetical scenario, which I found overblown and unable to sustain the tension of its entire runtime. For a film predicated on a 'really bad thing' that took place in the past, it presupposes that people can't change and can never be trusted again. Honestly, I didn't even find it that big of a deal in the first place.

2 pantsings out of 5

The Dreadful (2026)

Set in 15th-century Britain, Anne is a devout young woman awaiting the return of her husband during the Wars of the Roses while living under the watchful eye of her greedy, ruthless mother-in-law, who pumps her full of stories that keep her living in fear. With imagery that reminded me of great folk horror like Gretel & Hansel and The Green Knight, but not as gnarly as either of those two, it's a slow burn parable loosely inspired by the legend of the Onibaba.

2½ knights of hell out of 5

Dead Man's Wire (2025)

Based on a true story, a man falling behind on his payments decides to take his mortgage broker hostage until his demands are met, placing him in a makeshift "dead man's line" by attaching the trigger of a shotgun to the hostage's neck by a wire to prevent means of escape. It's designed to feel much like a 1970s throwback thriller (where the events are set), similar to Dog Day Afternoon, complete with Al Pacino. While the premise is very straightforward, and Bill Skarsgård inhabits the role, the half-baked plot is unfocused, meandering and less than exciting. Feels like they're running out of true events to adapt.

2 cubes of ice in milk out of 5

Dust Bunny (2025)

A delightful dark fantasy told through the eyes of a child. 8-year-old Aurora is terrified of the monsters hiding under her bed, including a literal bunny made up of dust. She procures the services of her mysterious next door neighbor to handle the problem, although he doesn't believe the monsters are literal. It's a simply told horror tale that lulls you in a state of calm on the surface, but the charming performances (including first-timer Sophie Sloan) carry you forward. 

Bryan Fuller (Pushing Daisies, Hannibal) makes his big screen directorial debut. 

3 chicken butt lamps out of 5

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972)

AKA: Deathouse

AKA: Death House

AKA: Night of the Dark Full Moon

After being discovered burned alive, Wilfred Butler's estate is bequeathed to his grandson, with the express order that it is to remain untouched. Twenty years later, Butler House is suddenly up for sale, and death soon follows.

A proper spooky mystery film, this holiday slasher predates even Black Christmas. The beauty is in its simplicity, which is unique to the era it was made. This one is all but forgotten to time, but it deserves its flowers.

3 diary entries out of 5

Note: The film is in the public domain and available for free viewing.

Dead of Winter (2025)

A grieving woman travels alone to a remote frozen lake in snowy Minnesota, stopping at a cabin to ask for directions but inadvertently stumbling into a low rent kidnapping plot. It's a very slow burn survival story, but packed with raw emotion and intense performances. Emma Thompson and Judy Greer do the heavy lifting and make the most out of this low-budget suspense thriller.

3 green tackleboxes out of 5

Deathstalker (2025)

*sigh* The poster sucks. They had one job...

I was ready to shit all over this reboot until they used the classic theme from Deathstalker II. And then they used cheesy practical effects. And the tongue in cheek humor. But no nudity. Every film in the series is chock full of sex except this one. I'm very conflicted. In some ways, this is the best Deathstalker movie because it fulfills the potential of the originals that they could never achieve due to lack of budget. In other ways, it feels derivative and tawdry. And the filters in this movie match the ugliness of the poster. I just don't know, guys...

2½ cursed amulets out of 5

Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans (1991)

Since the continuity between these films is virtually nonexistent, we now have the original actor back in the role to bring about some semblance of order and establish lore to the Deathstalker mythos. But no matter, this turned out to be the final nail in the coffin, regardless. Still, there's a part of me that remembers how much I enjoyed this series at first and I cling to that shred of memory. At least the cover art remains cool as ever. Long live Boris Vallejo.

1½ musclebound virgins out of 5

Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell (1988)

AKA: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

The Stalker seems to be suffering an identity crisis, replaced by a different actor and a new personality with each installment. This time he's leaner and slighter than before, and looks nothing like the rippling hero on the poster. There's some standard stock fantasy plot involving an evil sorcerer and magic stones or some such trifle, but it's bland and unexciting. With a dearth of any real action, humor or characterization, it wears out its welcome before long.

1 theme ripped from Battle Beyond the Stars out of 5

Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987)

This volume dials up the smarminess of the hero, while cutting down on some of the more unsavory elements of the first part. Penthouse Pet Monique Gabrielle (in a dual role) is really what makes this film for me; her cute, ditzy princess is endearing in her innocence (and amateur acting). It's very cheesy and corny and self-aware, but it doesn't take itself seriously and it's a lot of fun. (Once again, what you see on the poster is not what you're going to get.)

3½ rounds of wrestling out of 5

Note: The director's cut (78m) is actually 10 minutes shorter than the theatrical version. Although it cuts out a lot of redundancy and clips pulled from the first film, I still think the original edit is a slightly more well-rounded experience.

Deathstalker (1983)

AKA: El cazador de la muerte

Look at that poster. Doesn't it make your cock hard? What happened to this lost style of fantasy art? It suggests a much better time than you're going to get, but it's so much fun to stare at and allow your imagination to wander...

Anyway, onto the movie. It's a bit of a disappointment based on these raised expectations. But if you're looking for a B-grade sword and sorcery epic, you get it in spades, with cheesy practical monster effects and copious amounts of nubile female flesh to put a little pep in your step. It's glorious. What I enjoy about Deathstalker is that he's an asshole and an antihero. I like rooting for inherently flawed characters. It's not quite Conan the Barbarian, but it's about as good a rip-off as you're going to get. I just want to live in this era again...

Am I giving this film a lot more credit than it deserves? Fuck yeah, I am.

3 decapitations out of 5

Die My Love (2025)

"May we live long and die out."

A volatile romance soon gives way to the doldrums of new motherhood and postpartum depression. Raw, honest, and often unhinged, this dark, gritty indie drama lays bare a portrait of mental illness that burns everything in its path. In terms of realism, these are some of the best performances I've seen all year.

3½ breast milk art pieces out of 5

Dangerous Animals (2025)

"Killer shark" movies should be a genre all its own, although this one has a bit of a twist. Jai Courtney, aka "The Jaw" (will that stick?), plays a charter boat captain who takes tourists shark diving—yadda, yadda, yadda—people are fighting for their lives. Without giving much away, it's a survival thriller that feels derivative and improbable. I can only suspend my disbelief for so long.

2 thumbs "eh" out of 5

Don't Move (2024)

A suicidal woman contemplates her life at the top of an outlook where a man approaches her and talks her off the ledge. Without spoiling too much, she's involved in a cat and mouse chase after being injected by a paralyzing agent and must escape before it takes effect. It's a tense survival thriller, but pushes the limits of credulity to the point where it took away from my enjoyment.

2 nose-rings out of 5

Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

Mel Brooks's final directorial effort will undoubtedly draw comparisons to the spoof classic Young Frankenstein, but this is a very different beast. Ravaged upon release, I can't help but look back kindly on it for all the raw talent and silliness it contains. If you compare it to Brooks's earlier work, it's lacking, but it's very funny on its own merits, and Leslie Nielsen remains in impeccable form. It has an old fashioned appeal that harkens back to the golden age.

3 csárdás out of 5