The Batman (2022)

Does a Batman movie need to be 3 hours? No. No, it doesn't. This film takes the "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach. It brings the series to an even darker and grim direction than Nolan did, managing to make it feel dreary and depressing. And, it's simply not enjoyable. The recent trend of reboots seems to be to suck all the fun out of these movies and make it as miserable for the audience as possible. My biggest gripe is that it takes itself way too seriously. Everyone talks and moves slowly, as if they're underwater. Robert Pattinson does a serviceable enough job as Emo Batman, but he's even duller as Bruce Wayne. Zoë Kravitz feels like she's going through the motions as Catwoman, Colin Farrell is buried beneath pounds of make-up and a fat suit as Penguin, while Paul Dano's trash bag makes Jim Carrey's Riddler seem absolutely inspired. It all feels like a pale imitation of what's come before. At this point, it's just a rehash upon a rehash. Everything we've seen here has already been done better.

Anyway, barring all that, if you're a ride or die fan, you'll probably enjoy it. I didn't, but I can see why others might. This is basically Batman meets Zodiac. There is a decent movie to be found within this mess, but unfortunately you have to sort through a lot of fluff to get there.

2½ thumb drives out of 5

HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE [2005]

Director Mike Newell brings his knack for seamlessly brisk pacing to the fourth film in the Harry Potter film series, The Goblet of Fire.
Hogwart's is host to a very dangerous international tournament amongst the Wizards & Witches world, while the gang first encounters puberty (Ron is hilariously revealed to be an ass-man), firmly graduating the series from children's films to young-adult oriented in both subject matter and tone.  The series gets darker with each installment but Newell manages to insert enough humor to keep it fun enough amidst the doom 'n gloom.  Like always the adult stars are a joy to watch as they have a grand ol' time getting into their quirky roles but it's the kids that make a vast improvement from the last film with their emotional acting chops.  At least half of the novel is left out but doesn't matter seeing as it still fits like a glove in the series without missing any important story arcs leading into the future films.

4 PULPy Radioheads out of 5

MAPS TO THE STARS [2014]

Director David Cronenberg douses Hollywood in gasoline and takes a match to it in the satirical thriller Maps To The Stars.
It tells the tale of a dysfunctional celebrity family that all live in some sort of drugged up hyper-reality that refuses to serve it's lunatic inhabitants any sort of meaningful purpose.  Julianne Moore, Mia Wasikowska and Evan Bird all turn in some pathologically chilling performances that you can't help but be drawn to while Cronenberg's direction has enough venom in it to make it funny, disturbing, depressing and downright insane.  This isn't a film for everyone, seeing as it is difficult to enjoy if you're not already a little off your rocker but definitely an impressive trail to take if you're morbid curiosity gets the best of you.

3½ bad babysitters out of 5

THE ROVER [2014]

David Michôd's bleak Western-esque Australian road movie The Rover seems like it could what happens in the world of Mad Max before things get really, really bad.
Placed 10 years after some sort of economical collapse, it follows the story of a unhinged man hunting down his stolen car with the brother of the man who stole it.  Pearce plays the lead with calculated damaged precision, making the viewer dread the moments when he lets loose, while Robert Pattinson is wonderful as a twitchy, half-witted man who simply doesn't belong in a world so terrible.  With it's beautiful but desolate photography, memorable yet violent imagery, effectively unsettling music and award worthy performances galore the film unfortunately lacks in any sort of purpose or meaningful resolution.

3 flipped cars out of 5

COSMOPOLIS [2012]

Like a modern day take on James Joyce's Ulysses, David Cronenberg's adaptation of Don DeLillo's novel Cosmopolis follows a day in the life of a billionaire as his whole world comes crashing down.
It's a cold and calculated dissection of the upper class lifestyle, their take on life and how one can be so knowledgeable of everything around them yet be so emotionally sealed off.  Robert Pattinson doesn't miss a beat with Cronenberg's cynical, soulless narrative rhythm that will probably baffle and confuse the average viewer but should interest someone looking for an intriguing and nourishing conversation piece.

3½ rats out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART 2 [2012]

Bill Condon drags his feet into the director's chair for the final instalment of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 2.
What's up with that creep CGI little kid face?  I don't understand why they did that.  It's just wiggins.
The film needed more Michael Sheen.  He's so delightfully evil and is great fun to watch him chew up whatever scenes he was in.
...and the ending?  It was actually kind of cool and then [insert spoiler here].  Did they really resort to such a cop out?  Terrible.  Just terrible.
I have the trots because of it, which would explain the half-assed Nut I slapped together for this one.

2 go away scary baby face thing out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA - BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 [2011]

Candyman II's Bill Condon takes an embarrassed seat in the director's chair for the first part of the film adaptation of the final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.
There's nothing bad I can say about this film that hasn't been said before.  45 LONG minutes of nothing but wedding & honeymoon with a few short lines of dialgoue to shove the plot even a bit forward.  I understand this is a romance but even romance can benefit from maybe even a little of advancement in the narrative.  You've been warned.

2 broken beds out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE [2010]

The third instalment of the popular Twilight films, Eclipse, brings on 30 Days Of Night director David Slade to give it a bit more *ahem* bite.
It's noticeably less mopey than the first two films, hell, I even laughed a few times with intentional humor.  Still the narrative drags it feet with long pointless scenes of teenage melodrama that could be wrapped up in less than 10 minutes rather than the 2 hour running time that it is.  Some of the vamp family gets a tad more interesting than before but never enough to distract from the intense yawns and urges to have a nap for the better half of the film.

2½ training montages out of 5

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON [2009]

The Golden Compass director Chris Weitz replaces Catherine Hardwicke & her horrendously boring direction for the second instalment of the uber-popular Twilight Saga, New Moon.

The film starts off with a potentially interesting concept but quickly kicks that into the dirt after 10 minutes and finds itself moping around for what seemed like a lifetime.  A breath of life is sloppily forced into the story taking a turn into something far more interesting about one hour into the film.  Michael Sheen is an absolute delight to watch in a small yet vital role which makes me want to see more of him.  I know I'm not a teenage girl and won't find much in this, but bad storytelling & filmmaking is just plain bad and I know for a fact there is far more better films out there for the insecure, broken emo girl looking for quality entertainment.

2 shirtless injuns who cut there silly long hair out of 5

TWILIGHT [2008]

Oh, sweet zombie Jesus.

Director Catherine Hardwicke does a shitty job at adapting Stephanie Meyer's first shitty tween romance/vampire novel, Twilight for the screen.  Robert Pattinson, who I normally like, wanders around like he doesn't give a shit (as it turns out he didn't).  Kristen Stewart who is great at playing insecure, broken characters is absolutely terrible at playing a "strong" protagonist.  Carter Burwell's score distracts like it was written for a 90's TV movie.  The stormy sky backdrop is quite nice and so is Peter Facinelli as a *lol* bleach blonde vampire doctor.

I know I'm not the target audience here but it can't be denied that tweenage girls can do so much better than this shitfest.  

2 smelly girls out of 5

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS [2011]

Director Francis Lawrence has a knack for setting up great atmosphere, interesting characters, fascinationg settings only to mess it up with some sort of *ahem* elephant in the room.

Sadly, like Constantine & I Am Legend before it, Water For Elephants follows that to a tee.  What could have been an fantastic film about a veterinarian student & an elephant traveling with the circus during The Great Depression, turns into a sappy love story with Reese Witherspoon playing the elephant I mentioned before. 

Such a shame.  It still has it's merits but is ultimately ruined by pushing a forced love story into the mix.

3  pricks with a stick out of 5

Love & Distrust (2010)

Five shorts by one director, each exploring different sides of love and distrust. Well, that was the claim but it's hard to tell while watching, as they've almost nothing in common. Each one is different visually, and while some are just plain awful, the first one especially, some are heartfelt and almost entertaining. I kind of liked the Aussie one. I wouldn't want to watch it twice, but it passed the time until I was ready to go to sleep.

1½ moves to the give-away pile out of 5