Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

Frankenstein (2025)

Guillermo del Toro's long-gestating Frankenstein project finally comes to fruition, and it's a bit of a letdown. Visually, it's gorgeous and aesthetically pleasing, with del Toro's keen eye for the bizarre and unusual. The problem is, we've seen this all before in one form or another. The Creature himself leaves something to be desired. And it goes on for much too long. While I admire a lot about it, it just didn't connect with me as much as previous versions. But it's still worth recommending simply due to the sheer marvel of the production.

3½ cadavers out of 5

Dracula: A Love Tale (2025)

The story of the vampire has been told countless times, often in uninspired ways. It's up to the visually striking flair of Luc Besson to breathe new life into the material, focusing on the romantic aspect that begins his curse and the tragedy at the heart of it all. By leaning into the sentimental approach, it finds an interesting way of telling the same tired old tale; a love story about an immortal being who waits for centuries for the reincarnation of his beloved.

It's more of a Gothic romance with horror elements, and the score by Danny Elfman is a highlight. This is an even better version of Bram Stoker's Dracula.

3½ gargoyles out of 5

THE LEGEND OF TARZAN [2016]

Director David Yates take a very brief break from the wizarding world of Hogwarts to visit the Lord of the Jungle in The Legend of Tarzan.
After years of living as a domesticated gentleman, Tarzan, along with his wife Jane, head back to the jungle to investigate some shady mining camps where his savage past creeps up on him, loin cloth and all.
It might be a fresh change from the usual summer aliens, robots and superheroes but Yates' film is an uninspired bore.  The characters are dull as dirt, the CGI is laughably artificial and Samuel L. Jackson's soul-brotha enunciation is awkwardly out of place.   Without a whole lot of rousing action sequences the glaring missteps are all the more apparent and hurt the clunky pacing even more.

2 adorable cat-ear hoodies out of 5

BIG EYES [2014]

In the last 12 years or so, I've thought Tim Burton's only truly good films have been the ones excluding the involvement of Johnny Depp and Big Eyes continues this theory.
It tells the true story of 50's pop artist Margaret Keane (terrifically played by Amy Adams) who finds herself in a heap of problems when her husband successfully takes credit for all her work.  As odd as the story might be, Burton never ventures off into his trademark kooky visuals (with the exception of a few disturbing "daydreaming" moments) and that's where the film works best.  It's maturity shines brightly over a sadly still-relevant social commentary on feminism and the love of being to create your own art for your own sake, which may or may not be obvious to Burton working on one his first independent films in many, many years.

4 postcards & posters out of 5

HORRIBLE BOSSES 2 [2014]

Nick, Dale & Kurt are back for more crimes gone hilariously wrong in the sequel to 2011's smash hit, Horrible Bosses.
This time around, the hopeless trio hatch a kidnapping scheme that quickly spirals out of control when their victim wants in on the job.  What's interesting is to see how much the chemistry of three lead's chaotic banter seems to play more like co-star Charlie Day's TV show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which makes for a delightful surprise not seen in the first film.  Sure the jokes are rudely moronic, outrageously offensive and questionably tasteless but with the right timing they're perfect.  If you're a fan of the first then you're almost guaranteed to enjoy this one just as much if not more.

3 permanent markers out of 5

THE ZERO THEOREM [2013]

Director Terry Gilliam returns to his bizarre dystopian future form, as explored in Brazil and 12 Monkeys with The Zero Theorem.
Christophe Waltz does a fantastic job playing the tragic Qohen Leth who's lost in a world that doesn't want or need him.  The earnest Qohen is on the constant search for a definitive meaning to life but is assigned the job of confirming human existence is meaningless, which in turn gives his being some sort of purpose.  Gilliam's dismal paranoid future is candy colored and rich in texture which gives it a absurd sense of menace.  The film's making a pretty bold statement but it never feels heavy-handed and still pleases with it's eccentric characters and outlandish sets.
A fine return to form for Gilliam that reminds us sci-fi films can still be personal to the film-makers and not lost in a sea of merchandise.

3½ Churches of Batman The Redeemer out of 5

EPIC [2013]

Ice Age director Chris Wedge brings Rise Of The Guardians' creator William Joyce's The Leaf Men & The Brave Good Bugs to the screen in the dully titled Epic.
Playing like a Lord Of The Rings-esque version of Ferngully and Avatar, the film is a fast-paced, high-spirited adventure that might be entertaining at the time but ultimately proves to be quite forgettable.  It's filled with enthralling visuals, an enthusiastic score from Danny Elfman and some genuinely funny moments but unfortunately it gets bogged down by an uneven script and too many enticing possibilities it just begins to explore before it gets distracted by something else.  In short, it's perfect for a Sunday morning or a sick on the couch sort of experience.

3 legged dogs out of 5

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS [2009]

Writer/director Quentin Tarantino's self-proclaimed masterpiece Inglorious Basterds seems to be a "love it or hate it" type of film.

Giving the WWII film a spaghetti western makeover, Tarantino dumps his morals out the window and inserts cartoonish entertainment, laughter and brutal violence into the holocaust days with a smug look on his face.  It might be an enjoyable ride for some, while others it's an offensive, disrespectful shit-bucket.  Depending on how you feel about the subject material is what will measure your enjoyment of the film.  Christophe Waltz's performance turns the long, drawn-out scenes into something worth watching.  Basically in the end, it's like a script from a high school student who has no idea what WWII was and then shot & edited by a film school art student, which gives it all a certain type of likeable flair.  

3½ Nation's Pride out of 5

DJANGO UNCHAINED [2012]

Writer/director Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained is a violent love story given the cosmetic makeover of an exploitation Western.  

It's filled with geysers of blood, hypnotizing villain monologues, great music and some fantastic performances but in the end of it's near 3 hours it leaves much to be desired.  Jamie Foxx has the acting charisma to carry it for the first hour but after awhile you realize Tarantino wrote him with hardly any depth or attempts to explore the potentially interesting inner conflicts he faces, which has no excuse considering the insanely long running time.  With maybe 25 minutes shaved off and some better scene set-ups I might have been a little more pleased with the end results.

3 horsey dances of victory out of 5

CARNAGE [2011]

Director Roman Polanski sacrifices his trademark visual style and atmosphere to focus solely on the characters in the dark comedy Carnage.

Based on a play written by Yasmina Reza, the film takes place entirely within the confines of a New York apartment and features only 4 characters all beautifully portrayed by Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, John C. Reilly and Christoph Waltz.  It's an absolute joy to see all 4 actors play off each other as they rip each other a new asshole and constantly change sides with one another.

It's a little slow to start but once it starts rolling it doesn't stop.

3½ vomit cobblers out of 5

WATER FOR ELEPHANTS [2011]

Director Francis Lawrence has a knack for setting up great atmosphere, interesting characters, fascinationg settings only to mess it up with some sort of *ahem* elephant in the room.

Sadly, like Constantine & I Am Legend before it, Water For Elephants follows that to a tee.  What could have been an fantastic film about a veterinarian student & an elephant traveling with the circus during The Great Depression, turns into a sappy love story with Reese Witherspoon playing the elephant I mentioned before. 

Such a shame.  It still has it's merits but is ultimately ruined by pushing a forced love story into the mix.

3  pricks with a stick out of 5

THE GREEN HORNET [2011]

Director Michael Gondry's bromance superhero adaptation of the 1930's radio serial, The Green Hornet reeks of studio interference, last minute re-shoots & rewrites and multiple cast changes.

Besides Gondry's beautiful use of color and inventive camera work, everything else is just a huge mess.  The cast all look like they know they're out of their element except for Cameron Diaz who seems natural.  I suppose she's used to being in shitfests.  A misguided flop of a film that I so wanted to be a lovable underdog but fails on all levels.

2 one-inch punches out of 5