Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

Don't Look Up (2021)

An all-star ensemble satirical black comedy about two scientists attempting to warn humanity about an impending disaster that signals the end of the world, while everybody turns a blind eye, which hits a little bit too close to home. It's exaggerated and ridiculous for a reason, but handled entirely convincingly, almost like an unofficial sequel to Idiocracy (or an even more grim version of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World). All of these things could still come true today. The only thing you can do is sit back and laugh while you watch it all burn.

4 "free snacks" out of 5

The Instigators (2024)

A crime caper involving a half-baked scheme and a couple of dopes who are ill-equipped to deal with it. It's enjoyable in all of its incompetence and is capably carried on the shoulders of its charismatic leads. With an all-star supporting cast, it's not a bad way to spend 90 minutes, but it's the type of disposable entertainment you won't remember a day or two later.

2½ therapist hostages out of 5

Hitman Redemption (2018)

aka Asher

Ron Perlman stars as an ageing hitman who's edging close to retirement, or whatever it is that passes for the same in his unusual profession. It's slow to develop, having more in common with Noir than a typical action movie.
It spends much of its time characterising the killer by showing how he spends his evenings alone. Alas, the benefits to that approach get smothered in the gloom. Its attempts at black humour work well enough on a surface level, making good use of Perlman's steadfastness, but again they don’t quite hit the mark when it comes to serving as commentary on deeper feelings.
It introduces into his moody and reflective loneliness a light in the form of Sophie (Famke Janssen), a ballet teacher who's struggling to cope with personal matters. The two aren't a perfect match, and the chemistry between them is pretty bland. If not for being a fan of Perlman I'd probably have lost interest in the relationship, and the movie itself, earlier than I ultimately did.

2½ sprinkler systems out of 5

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

The Alien franchise should've ended with Alien³ (1992). If you're a Cameron fan you might say it should've ended after Aliens (1986). And even though I like the third film, I'd have been just as happy if it had ended after Alien (1979). It's a debate that'll never end. But I'm guessing that the majority of fans will at least be able to agree that Resurrection should never have happened.
Dir. Jeunet at max idiosyncratic level would've been wholly inappropriate for the series. Jeunet uncharacteristically restrained fares little better and it's not long before the cracks begin to show in the attempt. It's a $75,000,000 B-Movie with a story better suited to one of the tie-in books than a feature-film.

1½ connective difficulties out of 5

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM [2016]

After a rather dull outing with Tarzan, director David Yates wisely returns to J.K. Rowling's cinematic Wizardry World with the first part of a prequel series, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Inspired by Rowling's fictional Wizardry school textbook, set in the 1920's, the film follows a British wizard in New York City who accidentally lets loose a suitcase full of magical beasties of all shapes and sizes.
The film doesn't require you to know anything about the previous Hogwart's stories so it's easy to enjoy on it's own.  Though none of the characters aren't as instantly as memorable as the Harry Potter gang none of them are as irksome as some were either.  The plot hits a couple speedbumps in favor of dazzling you with bizarre creatures and their antics but when it's moving it really impresses with dazzling set-pieces and imagination.  It's not perfect but it makes me eager to see what worlds the expanded universe takes us to.

3½ No-Maj's out of 5

THE SECOND CIVIL WAR [1997]

Director Joe Dante & co. craft together a wonderfully witty political satire with the curiously swept under the carpet comedy The Second Civil War.
An immigration controversy tears the United States of America apart, which eerily reflects exactly what is happening the States right now.
What's played for exaggerated laughs here isn't all that over-blown when you take into the consideration some of the ridiculous words spoken in politics this past year.  Tackling such weighty subjects as immigration, political racism, mass shootings, outsourcing might have been a bit tongue-in-cheek 20 years ago but today it's all too real.  It transforms the film from a goofy spit on the American way of yesterday and into a frighteningly prophetic hilarious mirror reflection of today.

3 orphan cards out of 5

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)

It’s all fine for the first while, but once the painted white boulder that is Marlon Brando rolls into the story the entire production goes right off the rails. He seems to want to sabotage every scene he’s in, dragging everyone, including his Mini-Me, down with the whole tropical ship.
Kilmer didn't want to be there and it shows. His performance is shockingly bad.
Dir. John Frankenheimer is the only one with anything resembling an excuse for being off, he’d no time to prepare, having come to the project half a week into shooting after the previous director was removed. Still, he appears to make little effort to turn it into anything other than a pay cheque.
I feel sorry for Thewlis, Balk and Perlman, all of whom at least made some effort despite the odds stacked against them.

1½ hybrid moments out of 5

The Shaft (2001)

aka Down

Dick Maas reprises his directorial role for the American remake of De Lift, a twisted little Dutch sci-fi/horror about a killer elevator. The original was surprisingly captivating and despite the godawful dubbing, had a delightfully sick sense of humor. The American-ized retelling actually attracted a decent cast (Naomi Watts, Michael Ironside, Dan Hedaya, Ron Perlman) but the quaint little source story is transformed into an over-elaborate action film. It's sad since the first half essentially captured the same dark humor of the original.

2 bio-chips out of 5

The City of Lost Children (1995)

There’s a scientist who steals children, a young girl who steals property, and a performing strongman with a big heart who steals the viewer's sympathies. All three exist as characters in a bizarre dark fairytale that you’ll need to 'want' to like in order to do so.
Jeunet’s love of green and orange tints is sickening, they do to the eyes what too much chocolate gateau does to the stomach, but the architecture and general construction of the world are stunning. His imagination deserves praise, even if the film is almost too stylised for its own good.

3½ kettles of fish out of 5

The Punisher: Dirty Laundry (2012)

A short film that puts Thomas Jane back in the role of Frank Castle. It’s laundry day for Frank, but even something as ordinary and innocuous as a trip to the Laundromat is not without its perils for a vigilante. It's a violent outing with a hint of comedy that should please fans of the character.

3½ hits of JD out of 5

PACIFIC RIM [2013]

After being unable to get several projects off the ground, film-maker Guillermo Del Toro makes a triumphant return with the Saturday Morning Cartoon-esque sci-fi flick Pacific Rim.
Del Toro who usually makes his films dark and broody, wisely opted for a colorful and adventurous feel this time around making for the perfect type of popcorn film.  It's pretty light on substance but Del Toro's knack for great film-making is still firmly intact as he channels some more than obvious influences to create a damned great couple of hours of brainless fun.  It's ridiculous, loud, ballsy and probably as good as gets with this year's run of summer blockbusters.

3½ sons of anarchy out of 5

Sleepwalkers (1992)

Mick Garris must really like Stephen King. This was his first attempt at adapting one of King’s ideas (it was an original screenplay) into a feature and it’s as shitty as most of the subsequent attempts.
There's some successful comedy moments and some not so successful.
Alice Krige is good, and… no, that’s it really.

1½ kitty cats out of 5

BAD ASS [2012]

Craig Moss, known for generally bad spoof films, directs Danny Trejo in Bad Ass, a film that takes pride in being...well...bad.

Loosely inspired by the AC Transit Bus Fight, this C-movie is brought up a few notches from Trejo's surprisingly grizzled, yet charismatic performance.  Beyond that, it's really, really bad and occasionally quite funny for it's terrible dialogue, nonsensical situations and a climatic bus chase that's footage is so obviously stolen right out of Red Heat with some minor digital alterations.   I don't know if were intended to recognize it but if not it makes all the more funnier.  

2 amber lamps out of 5

Blade II (2002)

About 50% of Blade II is devoted to noisy and nauseating fight scenes that get boring fast. Consequently, the other 50% leaves characterisation time almost nil. Everything that happens is much too convenient. There’s this guy and this other guy comes along and then ninjas and then this new guy needs a scene so he can get in a ten minute fight later.
The only joys I got from it was seeing Donnie Yen in bad eye-liner and recognising things that were clearly a trial run for Del Toro’s far superior Hellboy films.
I should mention also that, beyond all reasoning, Luke Goss was surprisingly very good.

2 doses of suckpuppy nut juice out of 5

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)

SK3 is a sequel to the first film. You don't need to have seen SK2. That's for the best. Lacking that particular prerequisite is the best thing abut it.

It picks up the story of some years after the first film's end. Victor Webster takes over the role of Mathayus, who's once again a brooding mercenary.

The camera-work is shoddy; the editing is bad; the continuity department must've been on vacation; and Billy Zane is useless.

Despite that, I may be the only person in the western world that thought it was okay. It had a few likeable characters and some unintentional humour. And, crucially, it was a shit-ton better than the SK movie that came before it.

1½ pissy wine-skins out of 5

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Stuart Baird decided he didn’t need to watch a single episode of TNG, so instead of making what could have been a ST:TNG version of Khan he made a shitty Star Wars film with characters he didn't understand. It’s saved by the regular cast members who imbue their roles with their usual professionalism.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Baird hasn't directed a single thing since.
Best moment: Wesley Crusher gets 99% of his scenes cut. Priceless.

2½ because of the cast, mostly Data out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

I'm not the biggest fan of the original film, but I know my way around the sword-and-sorcery epics of the 1980s. This isn't one of them. It feels way too damn polished and glossy for such a brutal tale, which makes it recall more the likes of the new Clash of the Titans, Prince of Persia and The Scorpion King...which were all pretty "eh." In all honesty, I found the earlier scenes of young Conan the most thrilling; older Conan is too much of a pretty boy and the female lead felt equally too PC and "safe."

1 emergency Cesarian out of 5

DRIVE [2011]

What if David Lynch played it straight and directed a Quentin Tarantino script in the style of a '80's Martin Scorsese flick. You'd probably get Drive.
Danish director (of Pusher fame) Nicolas Winding Refn crafts a well-paced, violent, bizarre, heist thriller following the story of an unnamed character played by Ryan Gosling. It's got a supporting cast that couldn't be better, including Albert Brooks, Ron Perlman, Bryan Cranston, Carey Mulligan and Christina Hendricks. Everything about it is reminiscent of the '80's right down to the stylish score and source songs.
It's a quiet little modern noir that is easily one of my favorites of the year.

4½ stunt-double masks out of 5

Hellboy: Blood and Iron (2007)

Second outing for the animated BPRD and this time it hits the mark. It's more of the Poe and less of the Lovecraft. John Hurt is back for the good times.

It might scare the young 'uns in places. They'll love that.

Why wasn't there a 3rd one, dammit?!

3½ evil spooky things out of 5