Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

Captain America: Brave New World (2025)

Let's recap: Following Steve Rogers's (Chris Evans) retirement in Avengers: Endgame, the shield is passed down to Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie), who makes his transition to Cap in the Disney+ limited series The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Meanwhile, Harrison Ford takes over the role of Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross following the passing of William Hurt in 2022. Still with me?

Let's be clear. The only reason to watch this is for Red Hulk, which was ruined in all the marketing, including every single teaser and poster. That's it. There's nothing else to do but introduce yet another direction for this series to go. All these movies exist to do is cynically set up the next phase of the MCU (we are currently nearing the end of Phase 5 with this and Thunderbolts*). At this point, there are hardly any surprises left. How long can they keep doing this bullshit at the end of the credits where they tease a better movie? How long can they keep getting away with it?

2 gamma pills out of 5

COLOSSAL [2017]

Director Nacho Vigalondo comes up with one of the more unique films of the year so far with the hilariously strange sci-fi/drama Colossal.
Anne Hathaway does a fantastic job as an alcoholic who moves back to her home town, where she discovers she somehow controls the actions of a kaiju that simultaneously appeared in South Korea.
The carnage the monster causes takes a subtle back seat to the emotional wreckage caused by the leading character's alcohol addictions and social interactions.  If you're at all familiar with the disease then there's plenty to be found in it's far-fetched yet small-scope intimacy.  Unfortunately some of the plotting is sloppily aimless and that's where it loses the impact of what should have been an instant cult-classic.

3 black-outs out of 5

MINORITY REPORT [2002]

Minority Report is another film from Steven Spielberg's cold, cynical period that saw the director shitting the bed in the final 15 minutes of every project from those mixed days.
Loosely based upon Philip K. Dick's neo-noir short story of the same name, it follows a world where the crime of murder can be foreseen by law enforcement but is put into question when one of it's leading officers is accused of murder himself.
There's plenty of tantalizing ideas and themes thrown around but it's all wrapped around a rather soulless heart that makes it difficult to attach oneself to.  There's several moments of astonishing camera-work, imaginative action sequences and icy yet fascinating visuals that all matches Dick's Cold War paranoia story to a tee.  So maybe it might have been an even more successful adaptation if it were done for an anthology television series instead.

3 spider-bots out of 5

FANTASTIC FOUR [2015]

Chronicle director Josh Trank enters into Hollywood blockbuster circle with the comic book movie adaptation of the Fantastic Four, only to be swiftly tossed out of the circle.
It's the good guys origin story sloppily sharing time with a bad guy trying to destroy the world schpeal only without any sort of personality.
The first act of the film is actually kind of okay but it quickly falls apart into a dull emotionless crap-fest that seems like it can't wait to get to the end and be over with.  There's absolutely no chemistry between the four core characters, the villain means next to nothing to the big picture and it lacks any sort of humor, fun or spirit that makes the MCU films so much fun.
Even Stan Lee couldn't have been bothered with his obligatory Marvel films cameo.

1 power outage out of 5

SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED [2004]

Raja Gosnell returns to direct Monsters Unleasehd, the sequel to the disastrous 2002 Scooby-Doo film.
It's the usual Scooby-Doo story with those meddling kids yet again, only this time around the film wisely brings back a whole slew of ghoulies fans will remember from the cartoon series.  
James Gunn returns as scriptwriter only now he's aware of what the studio wanted and delivers something that doesn't need to be..ahem...meddled with.  It's silly but humorous, dumb but fun and brainless but caring. Once again it's Matt Lillard's Shaggy that steals the whole show (I'd prefer a movie with just him, Scooby and Velma) but thankfully we're blessed with something a little better than the original.  Still, it's strictly kiddie fare that'll pummel an adult's brain into a pulp for 90 minutes.

2½ Chickensteins out of 5

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

‘O Brother’ is the reason I like Clooney. He plays one of three guys, none of whom are the sharpest tool in the box, as they set out on a journey from point A to B. It’s not that simple, of course, because the law are hot on their hayseed heels every step of the way.
It doesn't strive for realism. It exists in a kind of made up version of the South with elements of classicism that imbue it with a magical quality without stretching the credulity too much.
Repeated viewings enable a deeper appreciation and reveal just how beautifully constructed it all is. And that soundtrack! Oh, my.

5 obstackels out of 5

DETACHMENT [2011]

Not since American History X has a film left me feeling so horrible, so it came as no surprise when I found out Detachment's director Tony Kaye is the same guy.
It's a stark look at the youth of today and they way we as adults tend to forget our responsibility towards them.  It's wonderfully acted by a talented ensemble cast, filmed with thoughtful intimacy and aided by some interesting animation to tell the story that rips out your heart and stomps all over it.  Unfortunately it can be a bit too much at times and takes you out of the harsh reality that it's trying to portray.  Still by the end of the film it leaves the impact it's meant to make, meaning it made it's point with success.

3½ sad cupcakes out of 5

LINCOLN [2012]

After being spoonfed emotional fluff in War Horse it's nice to see Steven Spielberg go back to the thinking man's historical drama for Lincoln.

Daniel Day-Lewis delivers an informative, warm performance that is both commanding and sensitive resulting in a poignantly powerful execution.  Spielberg assumes the viewer is already well versed in their historical knowledge and spends no time explaining things to the uneducated, so anyone not unaware of the events surrounding the story will be lost in it's dryness and long scenes of dialogue.  The few historical inaccuracies can be forgiven as the meaning and purpose is met by the final reel.  

4 Bixby Letters out of 5