A Big Bold Beautiful Journey (2025)

A whimsical romantic fantasy about two beautiful people who can't find love (that old chestnut). Through the help of a car rental agency and a magical GPS, they go on an uncharted journey filled with doorways to the past where they revisit past traumas and other pivotal moments of life that prevent them from moving on. It's predictable and not all as fun as it could be given the concept, but worth watching if you want to get out of your own head for awhile. If life is this difficult for the privileged, then what chance do the rest of us have?

3 fast food cheeseburgers out of 5

The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)

"Do you think God gives a damn about miniature donkeys, Colm?"

"I fear he doesn't. And I fear that's where it's all gone wrong."

Set against the backdrop of the Irish Civil War of 1923, off a small village isle of Ireland, a man refuses to speak with his lifelong best friend without any given explanation. That's all you need to know. I honestly didn't know how they'd stretch that premise out to two hours, but I felt compelled throughout. This is a modern masterpiece and one of the best films I've seen in a long time.

5 dreams gone out of 5

Note: Unless you're familiar with Irish vernacular, watch it with subtitles on. 

The Batman (2022)

Does a Batman movie need to be 3 hours? No. No, it doesn't. This film takes the "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach. It brings the series to an even darker and grim direction than Nolan did, managing to make it feel dreary and depressing. And, it's simply not enjoyable. The recent trend of reboots seems to be to suck all the fun out of these movies and make it as miserable for the audience as possible. My biggest gripe is that it takes itself way too seriously. Everyone talks and moves slowly, as if they're underwater. Robert Pattinson does a serviceable enough job as Emo Batman, but he's even duller as Bruce Wayne. Zoë Kravitz feels like she's going through the motions as Catwoman, Colin Farrell is buried beneath pounds of make-up and a fat suit as Penguin, while Paul Dano's trash bag makes Jim Carrey's Riddler seem absolutely inspired. It all feels like a pale imitation of what's come before. At this point, it's just a rehash upon a rehash. Everything we've seen here has already been done better.

Anyway, barring all that, if you're a ride or die fan, you'll probably enjoy it. I didn't, but I can see why others might. This is basically Batman meets Zodiac. There is a decent movie to be found within this mess, but unfortunately you have to sort through a lot of fluff to get there.

2½ thumb drives out of 5

The New World (2005)

Terrence Malick's telling of the founding of the first permanent English settlement in the Americas is a story of land, maybe, but of nature, certainly. The travellers are edgy and unsettled, at odds with the native culture that belongs there. The meditative voice-overs add to the tremendous poetry of the work, which has a spiritual, verging on dreamlike, quality. The contrasts in the two cultures, explored through John Smith's (Colin Farrell) interactions with both sides, flows introspectively into that same feeling, while James Horner's score evokes the majesty of the world that exists around them.
Christian Bale's performance bored me, but it may be that he gets more room to develop his character in the extended version(s) of the film, I don't know; the disc that I currently own is the standard 136 minutes edition.

4½ gifted seeds out of 5

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM [2016]

After a rather dull outing with Tarzan, director David Yates wisely returns to J.K. Rowling's cinematic Wizardry World with the first part of a prequel series, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Inspired by Rowling's fictional Wizardry school textbook, set in the 1920's, the film follows a British wizard in New York City who accidentally lets loose a suitcase full of magical beasties of all shapes and sizes.
The film doesn't require you to know anything about the previous Hogwart's stories so it's easy to enjoy on it's own.  Though none of the characters aren't as instantly as memorable as the Harry Potter gang none of them are as irksome as some were either.  The plot hits a couple speedbumps in favor of dazzling you with bizarre creatures and their antics but when it's moving it really impresses with dazzling set-pieces and imagination.  It's not perfect but it makes me eager to see what worlds the expanded universe takes us to.

3½ No-Maj's out of 5

MINORITY REPORT [2002]

Minority Report is another film from Steven Spielberg's cold, cynical period that saw the director shitting the bed in the final 15 minutes of every project from those mixed days.
Loosely based upon Philip K. Dick's neo-noir short story of the same name, it follows a world where the crime of murder can be foreseen by law enforcement but is put into question when one of it's leading officers is accused of murder himself.
There's plenty of tantalizing ideas and themes thrown around but it's all wrapped around a rather soulless heart that makes it difficult to attach oneself to.  There's several moments of astonishing camera-work, imaginative action sequences and icy yet fascinating visuals that all matches Dick's Cold War paranoia story to a tee.  So maybe it might have been an even more successful adaptation if it were done for an anthology television series instead.

3 spider-bots out of 5

THE LOBSTER [2015]

Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos' English language debut The Lobster retains his oddball, unsettling sense of humor firmly intact.
Set in a strange reality where single folks are sent to live in The Hotel, where they must find a significant other in 45 days or they are turned into an animal of their own choosing and left to fend for themselves in the woods.
Like Lanthimos's previous works, it's going to leave mainstream audiences feeling like they wasted their time but those looking for something off the beaten path, they've definitely come to the right place.  Each actor deliver such understated performances, they become hilariously surreal that even the weirdest moments seem subtly organic.
Something this bizarre doesn't usually look as cinematic as it does but like it's punchy classically flavored score, it constantly lets off whiffs of Kubrick.
Where the wild roses grow, indeed.

4 toasted fap hands out of 5

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

It's unmistakably Gilliam in its use of 2D environments on a 3D plane, and the physical sets and miniatures are spectacular, but the deplorable reliance on blue/green screen means the handmade quality and beautiful rough edges are eliminated. At those times it’s about as visually interesting as the next TV commercial trying to sell you insurance or a new car.
The story itself has a similar contrast, but it's used to better effect. The fantastical and the real exist side by side, with only one of the two states being oblivious to the other. Connecting them is the titular Doctor Parnassus, who does so for reasons that become clear as you watch.
Seeing the inside of Terry’s mind externalised and captured on film is hugely entertaining, but the CGI does an ugly job of presenting it to us.

3 sustaining stories out of 5

SAVING MR. BANKS [2013]

John Lee Hancock's Saving Mr. Banks is an absolutely charming historical drama about Walt Disney struggling with author P.L. Travers to get the film rights to the studio classic Mary Poppins.
It's an interesting character study that's both heart-warming and surprisingly dark in areas that's largely based around the terrific performances from Emma Thompson and Tom Hanks.  At times it reeks of the Disney empire stroking it's inflated ego and gets a bit too predictably fluffy but when it's at it's best it's simply wonderful.

3½ fruit bowls for the swimming pool out of 5

EPIC [2013]

Ice Age director Chris Wedge brings Rise Of The Guardians' creator William Joyce's The Leaf Men & The Brave Good Bugs to the screen in the dully titled Epic.
Playing like a Lord Of The Rings-esque version of Ferngully and Avatar, the film is a fast-paced, high-spirited adventure that might be entertaining at the time but ultimately proves to be quite forgettable.  It's filled with enthralling visuals, an enthusiastic score from Danny Elfman and some genuinely funny moments but unfortunately it gets bogged down by an uneven script and too many enticing possibilities it just begins to explore before it gets distracted by something else.  In short, it's perfect for a Sunday morning or a sick on the couch sort of experience.

3 legged dogs out of 5

Miami Vice (2006)

A typical example of a Michael Mann film.
Expensive.
Moody.
Boring.

1½ distant buddy cops out of 5

SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS [2012]

Martin McDonagh's second feature length, the violent comedy Seven Psychopaths, doesn't set out to receive the critical acclaim In Bruges did but is guaranteed to become a cult classic all on it's own. 

It over-exaggerates the immaturity most of these "hip" crime dramas seem to dwell on and becomes a border-line parody of the genre itself.   It's clever and well-acted enough to not risk becoming overly silly but never takes itself too seriously either.  

Plus...Tom Waits has a feckin' bunny.  What more do you really need?

4 Quaker stories out of 5

IN BRUGES [2008]

Writer/director Martin McDonagh's feature length debut, In Bruges, is a wonderfully dark and humorous crime drama that slowly unravels Hell into Heaven.

Some brilliantly comical and tragically human performances compliment the wonderfully executed script and pacing.  It starts off a little slow but all can be forgiven as the situation cleverly snowballs into something far more complicated than what we're initially led to believe.  

3½ fucking cunt kids out of 5

TOTAL RECALL [2012]

Len Wiseman's adpatation of Philip K. Dick's We Can Remember It for You Wholesale is a bit difficult to go into without a hostile attitude.

First off, it's yet another CGI driven 3D spectacle, Paul Verhoeven's 1990 campy adaptation is a classic and well...it's a Len Wiseman film.

Once you get past that, it's pretty damned fun.  Colin Farrell and Bryan Cranston are always good times, while the normally boring Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel are a blast to watch here.  Granted the characters and dialogue are pretty paper thin (as they are in Dick's story),  it's the thrilling action sequences, set pieces  and it being more faithful to it's source material that make up for it.  

3 boobs out of 5

Phone Booth (2002)

An arrogant douche gets trapped in a phone booth. Not because he's an idiot and can't work a door, but because if he leaves there'll be dire consequences.
About eighty percent of the film is focussed on one man in a booth, shot in sequence over just ten days. It's an interesting if flawed viewing experience, particularly for the film student.
Oirish boy Farrell impresses in the emotional scenes. I didn't think him capable of that. I was wrong. His momma should be proud.
Phone booth. Broken window. Trapped. Hitchcock homage? Give Farrell a blonde wig, stat!

2½ little red dots out of 5

CRAZY HEART [2009]

Jeff Bridges delivers a delicately realistic performance in this ode to the country music that the mainstream  forgot.

Crazy Heart follows the life of a washed up alcoholic country artist who's grasping onto a once glorious career by performing in small town bars and bowling alleys.  Despite having an all too familiar story and never touching on some subjects as harshly as it should, the film is raised up a notch by the superb performances and wonderful music.

4 weary kinds out of 5

Fright Night (2011)

A remake of the 1985 horror comedy (which in itself wasn't a great movie), the charm in the original lied in the kid trying to convince everybody that his neighbor is a vampire. This new one plays its hand too soon. In addition, the original featured a washed out old horror show host, whereas this one gives you a Criss Angel-type illusionist. You can see where I'm going with this. Colin Farrell is well cast as the vampire, but you know what? Vampires are fucking boring.

2 "watch the original instead" out of 5

THE WAY BACK [2010]

Director Peter Weir is no stranger to large scale epic dramas that manage to still pack a strong feeling of intimacy. The Way Back is no exception.
Jim Sturgess, Ed Harris, Saoirse Ronan and Colin Farrell turn in some beautiful and believable performances that could have easily gone over the top but these fine artists keep it grounded. The photography is absolutely gorgeous as the viewer is taken over 4000 miles of deserted land.
Unfortunately the film never lifts off the ground to reach the same type of quality that Weir's previous films have all done so well at.
The pacing is a little slow and doesn't quite have the emotional impact a story like this should hold. Never the less, it's still a good film compared to a lot of the other films these days being passed off as "epic".

3 ½ tree bark drawings out of 5

Horrible Bosses (2011)

Hilarious. The bosses (Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell) are standouts here. Essentially a movie about three disgruntled employees planning their murderous revenge (a la Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train), it is satisfying, perverse and very funny. I've never found Jennifer Aniston sexier than this slutty dentist role.

3.5 Motherfucker Jones's out of 5