Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

The Room Next Door (2024)

AKA: La habitación de al lado

A war journalist with terminal cancer (Tilda Swinton) decides to willingly end her life and asks that her old friend (Julianne Moore) "be in the next room" when it happens so she won't be alone. This film presents like a two-person play, focusing on sharp dialogue and the relationships between characters. It feels like you're watching two masters at work and remains a very compelling narrative even though you know exactly what's coming. It's an intimate story that only falls apart in its final moments, but it's still well worth the journey.

With 40+ credits to his name, this is Almodóvar's first entirely English feature.

3½ pink snowflakes out of 5

The Batman (2022)

Does a Batman movie need to be 3 hours? No. No, it doesn't. This film takes the "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks" approach. It brings the series to an even darker and grim direction than Nolan did, managing to make it feel dreary and depressing. And, it's simply not enjoyable. The recent trend of reboots seems to be to suck all the fun out of these movies and make it as miserable for the audience as possible. My biggest gripe is that it takes itself way too seriously. Everyone talks and moves slowly, as if they're underwater. Robert Pattinson does a serviceable enough job as Emo Batman, but he's even duller as Bruce Wayne. Zoë Kravitz feels like she's going through the motions as Catwoman, Colin Farrell is buried beneath pounds of make-up and a fat suit as Penguin, while Paul Dano's trash bag makes Jim Carrey's Riddler seem absolutely inspired. It all feels like a pale imitation of what's come before. At this point, it's just a rehash upon a rehash. Everything we've seen here has already been done better.

Anyway, barring all that, if you're a ride or die fan, you'll probably enjoy it. I didn't, but I can see why others might. This is basically Batman meets Zodiac. There is a decent movie to be found within this mess, but unfortunately you have to sort through a lot of fluff to get there.

2½ thumb drives out of 5

Secret Window (2004)

If you're an author in a Stephen King story the chances are good that things either aren't going your way now, or very soon they won't be. In Secret Window, based on a novella in King's Four Past Midnight (1990) collection, the author is played by Johnny Depp. While not completely believable as such, he makes the comedic paranoid bitterness (coloured with a splash of school yard envy) that his character is wallowing in work in his favour.
Events revolve around a short story that Depp's character penned, the originality of which is being contested by a menacing John Turturro.
It has some very fine camerawork throughout, but the ending is too abrupt.

3 plagiarised pages out of 5

Romance & Cigarettes (2005)

Written and directed by John Turturro, it's the story of husband and wife Nick and Kitty (James Gandolfini and Susan Sarandon), a couple having what polite society calls 'marital problems', but what makes the film more than the sum of its parts is the wonderfully written characters and dialogue. With just one exception, i.e. an oddly subdued Eddie Izzard, even those with a small amount of screen time (e.g. Steve Buscemi) are decidedly memorable.
It's classed as a musical, but songs are less frequent than the label usually implies. I'd describe it more as a left field comedy drama with moments of song that successfully convey feelings of love in many of its guises.

3½ butts in the snow out of 5

Monkeybone (2001)

An adult comedy about a soon to be super-successful cartoonist (Brendan Fraser) who has to contend with his animated creation for control of his own future. By 'adult' I mean that it's generally inappropriate for kids, not that it's mature or hard to follow. The titular Monkeybone is the 'zany' type of character that makes me twitch violently.
There's a lot of creativity on display in the designs and in how they're brought to life, including many different animation techniques that someone clearly put a lot of work into, but the actual film was probably more fun to make for all involved than it is for any discerning person to watch.

1½ nightmare tailwinds out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN [2009]

Michael Bay dishes out the "bifs, bams and booms" something fierce for Revenge of the Fallen, the second installment of the seemingly never-ending live action Transformers film series.
Shia LaBeouf is unwillingly dragged back into the war between the Autobots and Decepticons when he starts having visions of ancient symbols connected the rise of an centuries old foe known only as The Fallen.
It's an overly simple story that might have made an entertaining two-part animated cartoon but dragging it out for nearly 2½ hours without any thought-provoking substance is unbearable.  You know the film isn't worth your time when even Michael Bay has gone on record calling it "crap".  The highlights are the hard-to-follow CGI action sequences, insanely cool sound effects and impressive filming locations.

1 enemy scrotum out of 5

TRANSFORMERS [2007]

Huge explosions director Michael Bay aims for the hearts of 12-year old boys everywhere with the big-screen live-action adaptation of beloved '80's Hasbro toy line Transformers.
In the first installment of the film series, Earth becomes the battlefront for two giant robotic races known as the Autobots and the Decepticons.
There's a decently thematic Spielbergian story here that gets trampled all over with Bay's love of the military, juvenile bullyish jokes and shiny things that go boom.  There's supposed to be a lot of emotion in this story but it's hard to feel anything when clearly Bay knows how to speak better from his fists than from his heart.  Still keeping it somewhat simple, compared to the stupidly cluttered films that come after it, this one manages to muster up some mindless excitement and wide-eyed special effects thrills that scrapes the bottom of the guilty pleasures barrel.

2½ spectacles out of 5

He Got Game (1998)

A talented Coney Island basketball player by the name of Jesus (Ray Allen) struggles with fame, raising his sister alone, choosing a college and the unexpected return of his estranged father. It's not a typical sports movie, thankfully, but nor is it free of their usual dross.
Interestingly, Dir. Spike Lee doesn't lay the film's message on as thick as he could have; he lets the subtleties do the work instead, but they aren't quite up to the task and it runs out of steam in the last third.
Denzel is decent as a shouty father but less interesting elsewhere. The subplot with his character and Milla's is ineffectual.
The musical score also occasionally lets the drama down, contrasted by a number of Public Enemy songs that actually work well.

3 slow-mo hoop shots out of 5

Clockers (1995)

A story of crime, drugs and brotherly love in a Brooklyn housing project, a place where doing the right thing isn't always an option.
Spike (Mekhi Phifer) is a youth whose life could still go either way. On one side he has Keith David as a tough cop willing to fight to keep him on the straight and narrow. On the other is Delroy Lindo's criminal influence, which comes with the lure of money. Complicating matters further is Harvey Keitel and his violent buddies in the homicide division investigating a murder that Spike may know something about. The 'brotherly love' side of things comes from Isaiah Washington, who gets less time on-screen than the others but leaves an equally powerful dent in the viewer's sympathies.

4 stains on the sidewalk out of 5

Catchfire (1990)

aka Backtrack

Jodie plays a confident career woman who witnesses a Mafia killing, forcing her to go on the run or be next in line for a shallow grave. The police and Mafia both want to get to her before the other can, which means Fred Ward and Dennis Hopper, respectively, are on her tail.
It tries to spin the hit-man stereotype from a different angle, but it doesn't work because Hopper’s character is a shit-bag regardless of his hidden, sophisticated traits. It's not helped by the implausible changes forced upon Foster’s confused victim, which are unconvincing at best. The story goes from bad to awful to stupid and back around again for another half dozen variations of the same. I watched it right to the end, but I don’t know why.

2 pink snowballs out of 5

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS [2014]

Director Ridley Scott takes it upon himself to retell the biblical story of The Amazing Adventures of Moses & The Jews in Exodus: Gods and Kings.
Uber-broody Christian Bale is cast as a sword-wielding Moses who leads 600,000 Jewish slaves out of Egypt to freedom and along the way they meet all sorts of zany characters and exciting hijinks ensue  Visually, the film is pretty damned spectacular, in both scenery and special effects, never denying itself the chance of a sweeping CGI overhead shot of the ancient lands and cities.  Elsewhere like in the heart and brains department, Exodus lacks a great deal.  Scott tries to scientifically explain all the biblical events like the parting of the Red Sea or the different plagues and in turn, he sucks all the magic out of what is actually a pretty amazing story and turns it into dazzling dullness.

2½ Godly kids out of 5

Five Corners (1987)

1964. Martin Luther King’s famous speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial still reverberates among the populace and revolution is in the air, but for most folks in the Bronx life goes on as normal.
Serious topics are explored but they’re also genuinely funny, at least for a while. Mostly it revolves around a trio of neighbourhood friends as they struggle to be independent, and a fourth youth fresh out of prison and eager to stir up trouble. There are other characters, too, not crucial to the main plot who nevertheless add something interesting to the whole, helping define the era. The last half hour makes a huge difference to how you feel afterwards.

3 people and things out of 5

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

‘O Brother’ is the reason I like Clooney. He plays one of three guys, none of whom are the sharpest tool in the box, as they set out on a journey from point A to B. It’s not that simple, of course, because the law are hot on their hayseed heels every step of the way.
It doesn't strive for realism. It exists in a kind of made up version of the South with elements of classicism that imbue it with a magical quality without stretching the credulity too much.
Repeated viewings enable a deeper appreciation and reveal just how beautifully constructed it all is. And that soundtrack! Oh, my.

5 obstackels out of 5

FEAR X [2003]

Fear X is an immensely unsettling psychological thriller from Pusher director Nicolas Winding Refn and Requiem For A Dream writer Hubert Selby Jr.
With it's confusing storyline, discomforting drones, bizarre color palate, camera angles, dark hallways, seemingly haunted house and a strange sense of dread that there's always someone watching I couldn't help but feel this is the long lost film by David Lynch.  John Turturro turns in a great performance as a troubled man in search of the man who murdered his wife and that's about all I could make sense of the story.  Beyond that I felt frightened from the very get go and that quenched my thirst for a new Lynch film.

3½ elevators in red out of 5

Do the Right Thing (1989)

A drama that unfolds slowly over the course of one scorching hot summer day in Brooklyn. As the temperature rises, so too does the tension and the tempers of the inhabitants.
The film is like a play in which the stage is an entire street; it feels cut off from the larger city for the purposes of drama, which emphasises its self-sufficiency and its tight community values.
Being a Spike Lee film means it's a political sledgehammer, but it doesn't overwhelm the well-scripted character moments, of which there are many.

4 slices with something extra out of 5

SLIPSTREAM [2007]

Sir Anthony Hopkins writes, directs and stars in this surreal piece of cinema suitably titled Slipstream.
Feeling like a David Lynch narrative edited by the drug-inspired side of Oliver Stone, Hopkins never allows the film to plant it's feet in reality long enough for viewer to grasp onto anything meaningful. It's an interesting experience, from an artistic point of view but the effect wears off pretty quickly and becomes borderline irritating.

2½ doll heads out of 5

The Big Lebowski (1998)

The Dude is an everyman who takes pride in his laziness and likes to have the occasional drink; occasional being all the time. He also likes to bowl.
He gets unwillingly embroiled in a case of mistaken identity, so decides to seek reparations. You'll likely either love it or wonder what all the fuss and fan-following is about. I love it. It's my favourite Coen brothers film.

5 beverages out of 5

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

(Alternate cover here.)
AKA: The Nutcracker: The Untold Story

Russian director Andrei Konchalovsky's 20-year vision for this retelling of the famous tale is equally disturbing and refreshing. Universally panned by critics for being too heavy-handed and intense for young children, I found it deliciously full of life and imagination. I don't even mind the fact that they sacrilegiously put Tim Rice lyrics to Tchaikovsky's music. Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane) gives his niece (Elle Fanning) a Nutcracker doll that has been placed under a curse by the evil Rat King (John Turturro). I'm sure it will give nightmares to children just as The Nutcracker Prince did for its time. Elle Fanning is so good here. Leave it to the movies to make me fall madly in love with a 9-year-old.

3 Sugar-Plum Fairies out of 5

Cars 2 (2011)

Cars is unpopular with Pixar fans for a number of reasons, but for me, its biggest flaw was the way its characters moved. Nearly all of Pixar's films are a master class in animation choreography. Just the tiniest things, like the way characters walk,  leaves me enraptured. Cars don't have the range of motion that toys, monsters, or humans controlled by rats do, which made the first Cars pretty visually dull (for a Pixar film).

The second movie lacks the sweetness of the first film, but the choreography issue has been fixed wonderfully. The opening chase scene was perfectly executed, and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. It could've been great if it'd only focused on the spy plot. It seemed like no one had any idea what to do with Lightning McQueen, and his scenes felt like an interruption. There's too much Mater, but I genuinely smiled at some of the moments between him and Finn McMissile. Considering how much I loathe him, that's saying something. I blame Michael Caine.

2.5 surprisingly bloodthirsty automobiles out of 5.