LOGAN [2017]

Director James Mangold returns for a second helping of mutie goodness with the third and final solo Wolverine film, Logan.
Set 6 years after Days of Futures Past, while in hiding from a world that's wiped out most of the mutant population, Old Man Logan & an ailing Professor X's struggle to survive is tested when a young mutant enters their lives.
While previous cinematic Wolvie outings have been pretty tame, Mangold & co. finally go for the extreme bloody violence, which seems like it's the way it oughta be considering the guy has razor blades tearing out of his hands.  Through all the grit and grime, Logan is a thoughtfully subdued swan song for the popular X-men characters that sheds both blood and tears by the gallons.

3½ X-men comics for bed-wetters out of 5

CUCKOO [2009]

Director Richard Bracewell slow-burn thriller, the sexfully titled Cuckoo, spends all it's time brooding in the shadows.
At first it's really about a woman who begins losing her marbles as her life is falling apart around her but then it takes a jarring shift of focus and almost seems like it's aiming to lose the viewer's attachment to the story.
No one in the film seems to know how to turn on a damned light and leaves the whole thing wallowing in the shadows, which is occasionally effective but mostly it just doesn't sit right.  Fortunately there's some wonderful performances for some one-dimensional characters and Andrew Hewitt's chilling music is fantastic but distractingly out of place here.
It's a mess of a film that will win some with it's odd approach but in the end lose most because it's just not that well done.

2 voices in the dark out of 5

Warlock (1989)

I don’t know whether to label it as supernatural or just plain fantasy, but it sure is good fun. Julian Sands is well-cast as the titular Warlock hunting for a Satanic Bible so that he can fuck everybody’s shit up. Richard E. Grant is a kind of Van Helsing/Kyle Reese/Dr Who hybrid witch-hunter out to prevent those kind of shenanigans from happening by doing his own acceptable brand of witchcraft on the side. It's all very silly, but it's self-aware silliness that knows when to play for laughs and when not to.

3 times hither and thither out of 5

Dracula (1992)

aka Bram Stoker's Dracula

Coppola’s Dracula is visually interesting. He mutates the German expressionists love of shadow into something pure Hollywood but still effectively dramatic. On top of that he heaps dozens of colourful and theatrical elements, but it's more than the film can comfortably support.
The Dracula character is a tragic figure responsible for his own curse, thus ensuring that his grief lasts for centuries. Heartache can cause us to do odd things, but he really didn't think that through.
The acting by most of the cast is very dodgy. Reeves, Ryder and Frost are just plain awful. Oldman is fantastic as an old man, but his younger self has a hopeless romantic shtick that quickly bores. Man-bat form FTW!

2½ brain fevers out of 5

Doctor Who: The Curse of Fatal Death (1999)

If it's not already apparent from the title and picture above, Fatal Death is a parody. It was a skit made for Comic Relief, but it’s filled with love for the real deal, acted by people deserving of the accolade and written by Steven Moffat, who was no stranger to Dr. Who lore even then.
There's a running gag in the first half, but the second half is where the real treasure is found. What occurs throughout certainly isn't 'canon', but if it was Joanna Lumley would get my vote.

3 Dalek bumps out of 5

How to Get Ahead in Advertising (1989)

Two heads are better than one, except when the other head is a vicious bastard. Richard E. Grant does what he does best: have a nervous breakdown in a very British way. The first half is comedy gold full of very quotable lines, but the second half not so much. The troubled wife’s party dress magically changing sides annoyed me.

3 pork pies, turnips and oven parts out of 5

Withnail & I (1987)

London. 1969. Depressing and dank. No one wants to do the dishes in the sink. Two out of work actors live in a den of booze and self-pity. They decide to get away to the country for a new perspective, but things are never that simple with Withnail. Both Paul McGann and Richard E. Grant give the best performances of their careers as the boozing no-hopers on the verge of a meltdown. Misery is funny when it’s someone else’s. Classic British cult comedy. I've known a Withnail in real life. Hateful guy.

4 prancing like a tit out of 5

The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

(Alternate cover here.)
AKA: The Nutcracker: The Untold Story

Russian director Andrei Konchalovsky's 20-year vision for this retelling of the famous tale is equally disturbing and refreshing. Universally panned by critics for being too heavy-handed and intense for young children, I found it deliciously full of life and imagination. I don't even mind the fact that they sacrilegiously put Tim Rice lyrics to Tchaikovsky's music. Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane) gives his niece (Elle Fanning) a Nutcracker doll that has been placed under a curse by the evil Rat King (John Turturro). I'm sure it will give nightmares to children just as The Nutcracker Prince did for its time. Elle Fanning is so good here. Leave it to the movies to make me fall madly in love with a 9-year-old.

3 Sugar-Plum Fairies out of 5