Animal Farm (1999)

Of all the various filmed versions of Orwell's dystopian novella, this one might be the most disturbing because of how uncanny valley it is to see this material adapted to live action. Through a combination of real livestock, puppetry and animatronics (courtesy of Jim Henson's Creature Shop), the effect is creepy as fuck, which is appropriate for the allegorical themes contained within. It tones down the political language, but despite the attractive way it's packaged, this is clearly not intended for young audiences. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my psyche, I always tend to conflate this film with The Island of Dr. Moreau.

2½ legs bad out of 5

The Sheep Detectives (2026)

I love a good mystery. A kindly old shepherd is found murdered, and his flock, who he used to read detective novels to every night, take it upon themselves to solve the crime by nudging the unwitting humans in the right direction. It's a lot better than it sounds. Emotionally resonant and heavier than expected for a family film, it's surprisingly moving and likely to bring a tear to your ewe.

3½ clouds out of 5

Excalibur (1981)

Set in 'the dark ages' of man, Dir. John Boorman's version of the Arthurian myth is unusual, to say the least. The acting is at times laughable, and the casting questionable, but I've a great fondness for it, regardless, thanks mostly to its chrome-domed version of Merlin (Nicol Williamson), who's perhaps the most memorable aspect, for good or ill. Personally, I think he's wonderful.
The feeling of ancient magic that's crucial to the era is present, accentuated with unrealistic and/or diffused lighting and softness. That it occasionally and unintentionally resembles Monty Python just adds to the fun.
The differing accents may be a hurdle for viewers not familiar with the wide range that exists within the UK, but anyone with an open mind who's seeking a bold retelling of an old story could do a lot worse than to check it out.

3½ future dreams out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: All Good Things... (1994)

TNG's final TV outing connects directly to events in the show's pilot episode (Encounter at Farpoint), making everything that happened in the intervening seven years relevant to both stories. In order to fully appreciate the work, you absolutely must watch that pilot episode before watching AGT....
Central to the story is Capt Picard, whose consciousness is hopping between a number of fixed time periods like some kind of 24th century Billy Pilgrim. He's in almost every scene, but Patrick Stewart is up to the task, whether it be as a man full of confidence, of doubts, or seemingly bordering on senility.
A further benefit in connecting itself to the pilot is its ability to comment on TNG as a whole, in a way that's both reflective and contemplative.
It's sad to see a beloved show end production, but TNG's ending is perfect, drawing a knowing line under what's gone before whilst simultaneously looking ahead to the future. That duality is why I love re-watching AGT....

5 discontinuities out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Chain of Command (1992)

When Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) is sent on a covert mission, Captain Edward Jellico (Ronny Cox) assumes command of the Enterprise D in his stead. Jellico is an ass-hole who quickly pisses off everyone, but unlike the poorly written Lt. Cmdr Shelby in TBoBW (1990) he's given additional characterisation to make him more than just another one-note tool in a writer's arsenal.
The story has a second, more traditional villain operating in a setting that was heavily inspired by George Orwell's seminal Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) novel. It's a Cardassian named Gul Madred, played by David Warner. Warner had been in Trek twice before, as different characters, in ST V (1989) and ST VI (1991), but his role in TNG is arguably his most memorable; his scenes with an equally mesmerising Patrick Stewart are the primary reason that Chain of Command is a permanent fixture on many people's 'Best of TNG' lists.

4 lights out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Unification (1991)

Unification's story is another political one, with the big draw being that Ambassador Spock (Leonard Nimoy) makes his first appearance in TNG's timeline, while another important character makes their last.
Spock's scenes are some of the best parts of the work, especially the ones he shares with Picard (Patrick Stewart) and Data (Brent Spiner). In the latter case, as the two converse while working side by side to achieve the same goal we're treated to an interesting 'compare and contrast' situation: the android Data has spent much of his life wanting to be more human, while the half human/vulcan Spock has spent most of his life trying not to be.
The story references TNG's Redemption (1991) and, even further back, TOS' VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991), released in cinemas that same year.

3 ridiculous shoulder-pads out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Redemption (1991)

Note: you'll lack crucial backstory for Redemption if you've not seen a few previous episodes; i.e. Reunion and Yesterday's Enterprise (Season 4).
Marking the show's 100th episode, the story sees Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) travel to Qo'noS to oversee the installation of Gowron (Robert O'Reilly) as High Council leader, but the ceremony doesn't go unchallenged. You'll hear numerous speeches about honour and treachery, often from people who have little of the former and practice the latter. But Worf (Michael Dorn) is pretty dependable, and by that I mean also that he can be depended upon to be headstrong in his unintentional narrow-mindedness, before stepping outside himself just in time to see the bigger picture, usually after having a candid chat with someone whom he either respects or hates.

3 friendly headbutts out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: The Best of Both Worlds (1990)

Responding to a distress signal on a populated planet, the Enterprise crew suspect the Borg have been present. They confer with Starfleet who send aid in the form of Borg specialist Lt. Cmdr Shelby (Elizabeth Hannah Dennehy), an officer who's never actually met a Borg. Shelby promptly makes herself a pain-in-the-ass of everyone, especially Cmdr Riker (Jonathan Frakes), in an attempt to create tension before the shit hits the fan for real.
It's essentially a war on three fronts: large scale (ship to ship); smaller scale (inside the Enterprise); and deeply personal (to retain a sense of self).
The Borg's cube ship is iconic, simple but imposing in its lack of aesthetic concerns, built solely for efficiency and functionally; and with a cube being a shape alien in the natural world it seems to scream defiance in every way.

4 magnetic resonance traces out of 5

LOGAN [2017]

Director James Mangold returns for a second helping of mutie goodness with the third and final solo Wolverine film, Logan.
Set 6 years after Days of Future Past, while in hiding from a world that's wiped out most of the mutant population, Old Man Logan & an ailing Professor X's struggle to survive is tested when a young mutant enters their lives.
While previous cinematic Wolvie outings have been pretty tame, Mangold & co. finally go for the extreme bloody violence, which seems like it's the way it oughta be considering the guy has razor blades tearing out of his hands.  Through all the grit and grime, Logan is a thoughtfully subdued swan song for the popular X-men characters that sheds both blood and tears by the gallons.

3½ X-men comics for bed-wetters out of 5

GREEN ROOM [2015]

Director Jeremy Saulnier, once again, forces nerve-shredding audiences to the edge of their seat with the intensely violent thriller Green Room.
Desperate for money, a touring punk band take their chances playing a deepwoods Oregon show to a club of white supremacists leading them into a night of extreme bloodshed.
Like he did with Blue Ruin, Saulnier crafts a style of violence that is so swift, brutal and realistic it never needs to linger on it to leave an unsettling lasting effect.  Each performance is beautifully understated but it's Patrick Stewart's big bad that shines, as he never sacrifices his civility for clichéd boorishness.  Instead he uses his courteous mannerisms to evoke more fear into the already uneasy viewer.  It's just as delightfully nasty and blackly humorous as his previous works but Saulnier doesn't quite keep the tension quite as tightly wound throughout as he did before.  Still, this is a great thriller that leaves a lasting impression with nervous disturbed laughter.

3½ red laces out of 5

TED 2 [2015]

Let's face it, when it comes to Seth MacFarlane films it's important that the viewer's expectations are lowered in order to enjoy them.
The sequel to 2012's Ted does everything in it's power to prove this point.
Whether this is a good thing or not depends on your tolerance for unapologetically offensive humor but you will already know that if you've graduated from the first film and came back for seconds.  It's a thinly veiled knock on the controversy of gay marriage, as Ted, the talking teddy bear, can't marry his sweetheart when the law doesn't think he's part of their "warm-hearted Just as God Made Us" elite.  MacFarlane's love for the Golden Age of Cinema is cleverly proven in a song & dance main title sequence that had me grinning from ear-to-ear, while he manages to wiggle that love in the rest of the film beneath the loads of crude body fluid humor and haze of pot smoke.

3 black cocks out of 5

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST [2014]

Director Bryan Singer returns to the X-men franchise for the prequel to his own series and a sequel to the excellent prequel, Days Of Future Past.
Confusing?  Yes and no.
As long as you have your nerds hats on and are fairly knowledgeable of the comics then you shouldn't have a problem.  If this isn't your case you're still in for a pretty great ride that never ceases to entertain and enthral with it's many character moments and extravagant action sequences.
Like the best of the X-films, this one carries an emotional punch that will have your heart left in a grey area as to what is right and wrong, depending on your love for humanity.
It's a story that threatens to collapse under it's own weight but never does thanks to Singer's wonderful storytelling and impressive ensemble cast.  Overall, it's easily one of the best X-films to date.

3½ cameos, cameos, cameos out of 5

Star Trek: The Captains' Summit (2009)

William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Patrick Stewart and Jonathan Frakes gather in the same room to discuss Star Trek. It’s hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, who draws out the anecdotes with occasional questions. It’s very friendly with no clash of egos but also mostly pointless. I guess people that get a kick out of this kind of thing at conventions may like it.
The Shat steals the show with his charm and wit. He’s a bona fide legend.

2 tenures out of 5

TMNT [2007]

Nearly 15 years after their last venture onto the big screen Eastman & Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back in the CGI animated film TMNT.

The film follows the world already set up in the live-action films, while attempting to distance itself simultaneously, which surprisingly works quite well.  The plot is a little paper-thin and the dialogue isn't quite as fun compared to previous Turtle films, but the animation is beautiful and the action sequences are cleverly choreographed to make it easy to forgive.  Plus, it's the Turtles who are just good times anyway.

3 Silent Bob's in a diner out of 5

TED [2012]

From the brain of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane comes Ted, a charming yet outrageously offensive comedy about a man and his teddy bear.

Once the humorous novelty of a talking teddy bear with an attitude wears off, like Brian Griffin, you forget he's not just another human character.  It's got it's fair share of jokes that backfire but for the most part it's funny enough and never buries itself too deep into a schmaltzy ending like most films like this would do.

3 white trash girl names out of 5

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Brett Ratner turned this chapter in Jean Grey's evolution into a mostly soulless summer action movie. The first hour is good, but it shits the bed in the second half. If you accept that prior to viewing, then it's possible to enjoy parts of it, but if you're expecting the semi-sophisticated aesthetic of the two previous films then you're going to be butt-hurt. On the plus side, Magneto's Brotherhood begins to feel more like an organisation and less like a gathering of friends over tea and cake. It's a good thing that the main series ended here.

2½ characters with little to do out of 5

X-Men 2 (2003)

Bryan Singer's last sitting in the X-Men director's chair follows on from, and expands upon, what he started in the first film. It's more action packed this time, has more characters to accommodate and requires a longer running time to do so. There's some unexpected pairing up of characters, some internal conflicts and some subtle motivations that may go unnoticed with your first viewing. The more I watch it the more I get from it. It's focussed on Wolverine a lot, but Patrick Stewart once more steals the show. Did Mystique just flip...!

3½ Bamfs and Snickts out of 5

X-Men (2000)

A group of mutants band together to fight injustice. It sounds cheesy as hell on paper, but it works on-screen, mostly because half the cast are superb. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen together (Thank Jebus Russell Crowe was too greedy to take the Wolverine role.)
X-Men was one of the first (if not the first) comic book films that pleased fanboys and fangirls and also managed to find a target audience of non-comic book fans. It set the bar high and every Superhero film that followed owes a debt to what it achieved critically. Director Singer makes it one giant allegorical blip on the Gaydar, but it doesn't interfere with the storytelling.

3½ preferences for leather out of 5

GNOMEO & JULIET [2011]

Gnomeo & Juliet is Britain's failed attempt to jump on the Pixar & Dreamworks bandwagon.  

Instead of anything original, it's a blatant rip-off of Toy Story & Over The Hedge set to the classic Shakespeare play.  It's filled with bland dialogue, uninspired characters and predictable scene set-ups.  Such a disappointing waste of a near perfect cast.  There's not much here for anybody over 10 years old...and even then, there's so many better films for a 10 year old.

2 purple is the way to go out of 5

Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)

Stuart Baird decided he didn’t need to watch a single episode of TNG, so instead of making what could have been a ST:TNG version of Khan he made a shitty Star Wars film with characters he didn't understand. It’s saved by the regular cast members who imbue their roles with their usual professionalism.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Baird hasn't directed a single thing since.
Best moment: Wesley Crusher gets 99% of his scenes cut. Priceless.

2½ because of the cast, mostly Data out of 5