The Electric State (2025)

In an alternate timeline, Walt Disney's animatronics have given birth to the robot uprising, which leads to an all-out war between robots and humans, until Mr. Peanut (played by Woody Harrelson) signs a coalition with Bill Clinton. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I'm not. No wonder it cost $320 million for a direct-to-Netflix film. Most of that must have gone to keeping the lawsuits at bay.

While the above sounds like a wild premise, all that information is condensed within the first 7 minutes of the movie. The rest of the film involves a teenage girl and an affable cartoon robot on a mission to find her long-presumed-dead brother, alongside a scoundrel and his wisecracking sidekick. On paper, this all sounds awesome, but for some reason it doesn't really work. The execution is painfully average and somehow manages to feel slow and uneventful despite everything going on in it. There's just no reason some movies need to be over two hours long. Cut 30 minutes out and maybe it wouldn't feel so superfluous.

The graphic novel this was based on appears to be highly acclaimed however, so perhaps interested parties should seek that out instead.

2 Neural Bifurcation™s out of 5

Adaptation. (2002)

Pathetic, fat, balding, worthless loser Charlie Kaufman is tasked with adapting the screenplay to an unfilmable novel about orchids. How does he accomplish this task? By inserting himself into the narrative, of course. Nicolas Cage gives the performance of a lifetime as not one, but two versions of Kaufman. I've spent most of my life thinking about this film and unintentionally emulating it. No amount of words I devote to this nut would ever do it justice. Layers upon layers of inspired brilliance, elegance and meta-commentary that works on multiple levels. If I have two favorite movies of all time, this is the other one.

5 wanks following a writer's block out of 5

The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim (2024)

I'm an enormous fan of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies, but I was massively disappointed by this animated prequel spin-off. While it looks lush and gorgeous, it feels dull and lifeless and too far removed from the events of those films. Lord of the Rings without hobbits, dwarves or elves is just a bunch of humans fighting. It's boring. At one point, we see a couple of orcs and I got excited, but they were gone seconds later. We are fed some bread crumbs by the end that link it to the rest, but it's too little, too late. This film did absolutely nothing for me; it didn't stir me, it didn't move me, it didn't entertain me. The whole thing was so predictable and cliché, overlong and formulaic. The anime style doesn't suit this story very well compared to the Ralph Bakshi and Rankin/Bass versions that came before. (If you're an anime fan, add one star to my rating.) At least we get some classic Howard Shore themes for good measure, while Eowyn (Miranda Otto) narrates and provides our only lifeline to the original. But that isn't enough to save it by a mile.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I fucking hate prequels.

1 ring reference and that's it out of 5

That Christmas (2024)

An animated ensemble film about the residents of a small town experiencing their individual ups and downs. Most of the stories feel like vignettes that don't interconnect, so it lacks an altogether cohesive structure, while Santa (featured front and center in the advertising) merely narrates and hardly gets involved. This movie takes its damn time and meanders about, by which point I had already checked out. Normally, I'm able to give saccharinity a pass during Christmas, but this was just plain grating and corny. It had its opposite intended effect and put me in a bad mood.

1 turkey out of 5

Forsaken (2015)

A slow-burning Western starring real-life father and son Donald and Kiefer Sutherland as an onscreen father and son. The elder man is a staunch reverend with bitter feelings toward his boy, John Henry Clayton, who is only now returning to the family home after having gone to war many years before.
There's not much gun-play, and the unscrupulous rich man (Brian Cox) who'll kill to acquire land isn't very original, but I enjoyed the setting, it serves the feelings of estrangement well and enables a promise made but not yet kept to be unearthed alongside a physical toil. Overall, it's not the best example of its type, but if you appreciate a reflective drama that doesn't rush toward its end, then it might fill a lazy afternoon for you, too, like it did for me.

3 assertations out of 5

Morgan (2016)

Luke Scott (son of producer Ridley Scott) directs his first feature, the taut sci-fi thriller Morgan. On a secluded estate a synthetic humanoid (Anya Taylor-Joy) is grown. After an unfortunate incident a risk management specialist (Kate Mara) is sent in to survey the project's progress. As soon as you see the titular Morgan you already know the shit will hit the fan hard. It's this anticipation that keeps your attention till the action-packed climax. The impressive cast is handled moderately well, though an extra 15-20 minutes could have done wonders for the supporting characters' development. Certain pivotal characters only last one scene. Even though the twist wasn't awfully difficult to decipher, I believe this was intentional. Clues are abound in this overly succinct yet satisfying film.

3½ awkward first kisses out of 5

THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE [2016]

Considering a morgue is probably one of the creepiest places around it's surprising more horror films don't make use of it's setting.
Thankfully Trollhunter director André Øvredal remedies that with his English language debut The Autopsy of Jane Doe.
A father & son, working as coroners, receive a mysterious woman's body with an urgent need for cause of death, however things starting getting weird and uber-creepsome once they start slicing.
The single-location film knows it's claustrophobic setting is the star here and, boy, is it ever effective.  However riveting the first half of the film is it sadly begins going downhill near the end as the mystery gets lost in an over abundance of silliness.  Still with it's brisk pace it never feels like you're wasting your time with this well-performed little midnight creeper.

3 cats in the vents out of 5

PIXELS [2015]

With lowered expectations Chris Columbus' Adam Sandler sci-fi/comedy, Pixels, is actually pretty watchable as something mildly entertaining.
It is indeed a fantasy universe when it's folks like Sandler, Josh Gad, Peter Dinklage & U.S. President Kevin James saving the world from aliens who have taken the form of classic '80's arcade characters.
It'd be too easy to dismiss Pixels as simply dumb but it really is just that.   Sandler steps back, yawning, and allows Gad & Dinklage to steal every scene they're in which makes for the best bits in the movie (which still isn't much).  There was a lot of potential to get something as hilariously imaginative as Ghostbusters but instead we get another Evolution.
Funny how all three films mentioned in this review feature Danny Aykroyd.  Coincidence?

2 Paperboys out of 5

Hidden Agenda (1990)

The shooting of an American citizen in Northern Ireland is the beginning of a potential media shit-storm surrounding shady politicians and their ties to terrorism. With the R.U.C‘s track record at inquests being what it is, an impartial investigator from the mainland arrives and begins to tread on important toes.
Ken Loach is no stranger to controversy. I'm sure there was debate among viewers over how accurate or inaccurate a portrait it paints of the cities and their troubled histories (and a questioning of why it took a foreign casualty to highlight a long-running problem?), but I’d rather focus on the performances, all of which have a strong sense of Loach style realism. Nevertheless, its subject matter will mean it has limited appeal.

3 police cuntstables out of 5

RED 2 [2013]

Galaxy Quest director Dean Parisot slips into the director's chair for the sequel to the 2010 action/comedy Red.
Once again Bruce Willy does what he does best and that's not take his action acting too seriously making for a pretty fun ride.  Mary Louise-Parker scene steals like no tomorrow with her adorably funny performance, while Helen Mirren & Byung Hun Lee bring an awesome Fast & Furious attitude with some wicked guns and vehicular carnage.  It's still wildly violent to the point of ridiculousness but manages to never keep a straight-face while the bullets fly and bones snap 'n crack.  As much fun as the film is, it's a bit too generic and feels like we've seen this story over and over and over again, leading me to believe if not for the fantastic cast it'd be pretty dull.

3 tingles for a Pringle out of 5

An Adventure in Space and Time (2013)

A film that's both a kind of biopic of the late William Hartnell's later years and a docudrama about the events surrounding the birth of the Dr Who series at the BBC in 1963. Don’t be put off by the ‘docudrama’ tag, it does both things exceptionally well.
While it'll obviously appeal to fans of the sci-fi show the most, David Bradley, who plays the crotchety old Hartnell, does such an astonishing job that people who don't care for the series will still find something to latch onto, especially his truly heartbreaking performance in the second half.

3½ cups of piss and vinegar out of 5

ZODIAC [2007]

Director David Fincher tones down the abrasive shocks of his usual crime thrillers and opts for a more quietly thoughtful mood in 2007's unsolved crime-drama Zodiac.

Based on the story of the San Franciso serial killer known only as "Zodiac" in the '60's & 70's, the film fascinates with an age so close to ours yet the technology and ways of approaching such a case is vastly different today.  

With it's long scenes of heavy dialogue, precise attention to detail, flat yet strangely gorgeous photography (particularly the dizzying establishing shots) and slow-burning offering of the puzzle pieces, the film will most likely scare away Fincher fans of Se7en and Fight Club who will be expecting their fanboy needs met with violence, a loud soundtrack and cynical dialogue all of which is thankfully absent.  

4 animal crackers out of 5

X-Men 2 (2003)

Bryan Singer's last sitting in the X-Men director's chair follows on from, and expands upon, what he started in the first film. It's more action packed this time, has more characters to accommodate and requires a longer running time to do so. There's some unexpected pairing up of characters, some internal conflicts and some subtle motivations that may go unnoticed with your first viewing. The more I watch it the more I get from it. It's focussed on Wolverine a lot, but Patrick Stewart once more steals the show. Did Mystique just flip...!

3½ Bamfs and Snickts out of 5

RED [2010]

Loosely inspired by Warren Ellis' comic book mini-series, Robert Schwentke's RED isn't everything it could have been but is still takes you out for a good joyride.

With a veteran cast made up of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox and Richard Dreyfuss, it comes as a surprise that Mary Louise-Parker and Karl Urban are the real scene-stealers here.  It's an outrageous, funny, violent action-comedy that's based more on it's cast rather than the script.  Not great, but fun enough to kill two hours.

3 gun-stuffed pigs out of 5

TRICK 'R TREAT [2007]

Inspired by his animated short, Seasons Greetings, screenwriter Michael Dougherty makes his feature length debut with the sick and twisted anthology Trick R' Treat.
It's not necessarily scary but it's one helluva a good ride. Like a Halloween party in film form, it goes by quicker than you want it to and leaves no bitter aftertaste. Merciless killing, all sorts of twists and spooky masks make for one of the most tastiest bloody rides you'll go on in a while.
It's nice and short so it could easily become an annual tradition to have a few drinks with it before heading out to the party. Sadly the film never saw theatrical release but has managed to hold it's own with an instant cult following.
Trick R' Treat captures the essence of the Halloween spirit perfectly and deserves to be seen.

3½ candy covered razorblades out of 5

THE RING [2002]

Hate it for being the film that started the whole Hollywood remakes Asian horror films craze. However it can't be denied that director Gore Verbinski did his damndest to make it a worthy remake and succeeds with flying colors. Unfortunately he was the last one to make it worthwhile.
With it's odd color wash of blues and greens, plenty of breathing photography, haunting music courtesy of Hans Zimmer and chills that bury themselves deeply below the skin, The Ring is near perfect.
Sprinkling in some Hitchcock-esque camera work, with Naomi Watts cast in the lead role to add to that Hitchcock like vibe, Verbinski crafts a cold yet emotional journey considerably different from it's source material in tones and color.
As much as I like Ringu, it's The Ring that is my personal favorite of the franchise. A Top 10 inductee for my all time favorite horror films.

4 Chris Coopers? out of 5

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES [2011]

James Franco, John Lithgow, Brian Cox, Freida Pinto and Andy Serkis make up the cast to this stunning prequel to the original "Apes" stories from the '60's & '70's.

While it does fall into summer blockbuster action sequences on the occasion (which are still entertaining to watch unfold here), Apes gets itself back on track with interesting situations and relationships that are usually so poorly written in most popcorn flicks.

The film challenges your morales, diminishes your feel good mood that most summer films seem to like to throw at you and gets in quite a few good scares which was a pleasant surprise. While not as good as the original, it is the best thing since.

3 ½ Hidden Charlton Heston's out of 5