Now and Then (1995)

In 1970, four friends pledge a pact to always be there for each other. 25 years later, they meet up and reminisce on the summer that brought them together. Everyone is terribly cast as the adults, although the biggest injustice to me is that they predicted that Christina Ricci would grow up to be Rosie O'Donnell. Thankfully, we spend the bulk of the story back in the past, centering around the friendship between 12-year-old girls who are obsessed with looks, boys and boob size, which isn't particularly deep. It's basically Stand By Me aimed towards girls, which is perfectly fine with me, although it lacks the gravitas associated with the former. The stakes are lower, but the sentiment is real.

3 friendship bracelets out of 5

The Electric State (2025)

In an alternate timeline, Walt Disney's animatronics have given birth to the robot uprising, which leads to an all-out war between robots and humans, until Mr. Peanut (played by Woody Harrelson) signs a coalition with Bill Clinton. It sounds like I'm kidding, but I'm not. No wonder it cost $320 million for a direct-to-Netflix film. Most of that must have gone to keeping the lawsuits at bay.

While the above sounds like a wild premise, all that information is condensed within the first 7 minutes of the movie. The rest of the film involves a teenage girl and an affable cartoon robot on a mission to find her long-presumed-dead brother, alongside a scoundrel and his wisecracking sidekick. On paper, this all sounds awesome, but for some reason it doesn't really work. The execution is painfully average and somehow manages to feel slow and uneventful despite everything going on in it. There's just no reason some movies need to be over two hours long. Cut 30 minutes out and maybe it wouldn't feel so superfluous.

The graphic novel this was based on appears to be highly acclaimed however, so perhaps interested parties should seek that out instead.

2 Neural Bifurcation™s out of 5

GODZILLA [1998]

I don't know how he pulled it off but director Roland Emmerich managed to make a Godzilla film dreadfully boring.

After years of pressuring, Toho studios finally agreed to allow Hollywood to take their beloved franchise and turn it into something resembling Godzilla in name only.
To the average movie goer who's never seen a Godzilla film, they're simply about a giant lizard that destroys cities and that's exactly what you get here.  There's no subtext, depth or thematic subtleties floating around here and "big lizard destroys New York" is about all you get in this shallow excuse for a good time.  It's a big, loud and unforgivably soulless shitfest that was clearly a money-hungry attempt to ride on the tails of Jurassic Park.

1 mutant earthworm out of 5

I KNOW THAT VOICE [2013]

Lawrence Shapiro's documentary I Know That Voice is a passion project to shine a well-deserved spotlight on the legions of talented voice-actors we'd never recognize on the street.
It offers some interesting insights into the craft,  the hard work that goes into it, what actor does what job better, the often difficult job of dubbing anime, the love of it's comic convention fans and a bit of history of it's origins.  Through all it's interesting points and facts it's just as equally entertaining watching all these actors do what the do best, even when the microphone isn't on.
One of the most delightfully nerdy experiences I've had with a documentary in a long time.

4 white black guys out of 5

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS [2010]

Director Edward Zwick takes a bit of a turn for himself in the romantic drama genre with Love & Other Drugs.

Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal have a fantastic chemistry together, that I fear without them, the whole film might have fallen apart.  The story is predictable, although there are some interesting new elements thrown into the tired formula, but the relationship between the two is so well written it kept my interest.  It's not everyday a film perfectly captures an adult relationship like this and not come off as overly phony.

Not a great film but in the end, you realize it could have been A LOT worse.

3 crutch drugs out of 5

Run Fatboy Run (2007)

A comedy starring Simon Pegg as the running fatboy of the title. He does what he does best: the loveable loser type battling against criticism from the successful pricks of the world. The film is predicable and mostly devoid of laughs, which is not what I want from a comedy. It's not a disaster, though. It raises a few smirks along the way, so it never feels like a complete waste of time, but nor is it a great way to waste time. It's average in everything it tries to accomplish. Stumble, fatboy, stumble.

2½ urges to rewatch Spaced instead out of 5

The Simpsons Christmas Special (1989)

AKA: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

As I recall, this was actually the very first episode of The Simpsons ever aired on TV. And what an auspicious debut it was! While it may seem dated by today’s standards, back in the day I remember this being incredible stuff. The animation seems cruder and primitive and the humor feels more innocent and wholesome; it’s hard to believe this came out 22 years ago. (Ugh.) If I were rating the entire first season, I would give it a 5 out of 5, but on its own as a standalone episode, I give it a hearty:

4 Santa's Helpers out of 5

The Smurfs (2011)

I'll spare you the usual spiel about how this movie "raped my childhood," along with Scooby Doo, Garfield, Alvin & The Chipmunks and Yogi Bear before it, because, quite frankly, the Smurfs weren't all that great to begin with. They make the translation well to CGI, but the little blue shits themselves aren't very interesting at all. Hank Azaria as Gargamel makes this watchable, but just barely.

1 stupid fuckin' CGI cat out of 5