8-Bit Christmas (2021)

A Christmas Story for kids who grew up in the '80s. All Jake Doyle wants for Christmas is a Nintendo Entertainment System, and he must beg and claw his way to success. This movie hits home if you intimately know that gnawing feeling of envy when your neighbor shows off the latest electronic toys and all you can do is admire from afar. Probably not so much if you were the actual spoiled rich kid in question. With tons of heart, humor and nostalgia in full force (as well as the pain and tears), this is a new holiday classic in the making.

3½ Power Gloves out of 5

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022)

Nic Cage plays Nick Cage in a film that tries hard to be deep and offer meta commentary like Adaptation, but ends up settling into a standard action-comedy formula that feels trite and uninspired. It's a shame they downplay all the esoterism and obscure film references, and instead provide some kind of conventional middle-ground to appease general moviegoers. As a lifelong fan, I was rather disappointed by the waste of potential that was suggested in the title. I appreciate all the in-jokes and references to earlier films, but once you're in on the joke, no amount of nouveau shamanic acting can save it. It's worth it for the Cage factor alone (he plays two versions of himself, including his younger, idealized Wild at Heart self), but don't expect to be wowed by it.

2½ golden prop guns out of 5

GONE GIRL [2014]

With Gone Girl, director David Fincher once again proves he is at his absolute best with moody mystery/thrillers that finds comfort simmering sucker-punch plot twists in the shadows.
Adapted by Gillian Flynch from her own novel, Ben Affleck plays the husband of a missing wife, who may or may not be innocent, amidst the media mayhem that surrounds the case.  It's the type of paranoid Hitchcock-esque film that constantly questions you just how much do you actually know the one you love, which makes for an awkward walk home with your date.  Wonderfully shot, written, tensely paced and flawlessly acted all makes for a crowd-pleaser that will please even the most dedicated fans of it's source material.

4 sociopaths? out of 5

STARSHIP TROOPERS [1997]

Director Paul Verhoeven takes Robert A. Heinlein's sickly propaganda pulp novel Starship Troopers and turns it into a satirical sci-fi slap across the face to war, fascism and the U.S.'s fear of the unknown.
As a war film it's ruthlessly violent, loud and deceivingly appears to glamorize violence, as a satire it's just as ruthless only on a completely different level of wit, humor and cunning.  Like Verhoeven's Robocop, the film works just as well as a cheeky satire as it does a SFX spectacle of explosions and death.  There's a few groan-worthy moments that don't do anything for the narrative or message but I suppose without it we wouldn't be engaged with these witless pro-militarized characters.

4 censored news reels out of 5

A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST [2014]

Seth MacFarlane's second theatrical feature, A Million Ways To Die In The West is a raunchy-as-fuck comedy that really isn't for everybody.
MacFarlane hasn't a clue what he's doing behind the camera when it comes to directing live action and it really shows but that's not what we're here for.  The audience expects to laugh while being offended at the same time and this film delivers in flying colors (and a wide variety of fluids).  At times it's just plain stupid and a bit too much but occasionally a glimmer of wit and cleverness shines through reminding us why Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron and even Patrick Stewart would have anything to do with MacFarlane & his work.
On top of all of that, it features some of the most hilarious piss-your-pants cameos on film I think I've ever seen.

3 firecrackers wrapped in roast beef out of 5

The Smurfs (2011)

I'll spare you the usual spiel about how this movie "raped my childhood," along with Scooby Doo, Garfield, Alvin & The Chipmunks and Yogi Bear before it, because, quite frankly, the Smurfs weren't all that great to begin with. They make the translation well to CGI, but the little blue shits themselves aren't very interesting at all. Hank Azaria as Gargamel makes this watchable, but just barely.

1 stupid fuckin' CGI cat out of 5