Opus (2025)

John Malkovich (channeling Nicolas Cage) plays what amounts to a cult leader at a commune under the guise of a musical prodigy who has just come out of retirement. Ayo Ebediri plays the only rational character in the film who questions his motives and all the weirdness surrounding them. It's a bit of the horror comedy persuasion (not unlike Get Out and Blink Twice), but feels like it could have gone much, much further. Standards must be slipping over at A24.

2½ bites of the communal bread out of 5

DEEPWATER HORIZON [2016]

Director Peter Berg's first true story disaster film of 2016 is the Mark Wahlberg vehicle Deepwater Horizon.
It tells of the 2010 events that led to one of the worst oil spills in U.S. history, when the Deepwater Horizon offshore oil rig exploded killing 11 men.
The heart-stopping action sequences is the star here with it's snappy editing, incredible sound design and applause-worthy visual effects.  The characters are wafer-thin, leaving only Wahlberg and Kurt Russell with enough to chew on that so there's actual reason to become emotionally invested.  Fortunately Berg doesn't exploit the event for wide-eyed popcorn thrills and instead makes the action realistically frightening, but ultimately fails to explore the drastic environmental destruction in the aftermath.

3 crimson ties out of 5

Con Air (1997)

I’m not exaggerating my opinion when I say that Con Air is a revelation. I dug it when I saw it in theatres, and I LOVE it now. The inmates are a wonderfully strong and quirky crew of personalities, which is good because they have to shoulder the majority of the screen-time. Cage is incredibly subdued, but he makes it work with the slightest little hints of Cage-yness bubbling up around the seams. There’s some great visual symbolism on display and Buscemi steals the show as a breathing piece of philosophical social commentary. Like NEVER’s Kyosui, the flamboyantly gay character isn’t degraded for who he is and is relied upon the same as the others. I can’t say that it’s enjoyable cheese, because I genuinely believe it’s a well-made action movie with something to say. 

It’s quality.

4 Bruised, yet Bona Fide, Birthday Bunnies out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Klimt (2006)

A feverish portrait of the Austrian painter best known for his sensual works decorated with gold leaf. The golden theme is reflected in the environment often, particularly at times when frustration or inspiration is prone to hit.
Don’t expect a straightforward biopic. It’s in English, filled with oddness and trickery; almost as if a small sliver of the smoke and mirrors technique that Georges Méliès, an illusionist/filmmaker whom Klimt meets, has become the painter’s reality. The fragmented layers are like a broken looking glass reflecting different time periods, and as viewer we get to see them all.

4 concepts of beauty out of 5

PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR [2014]

Co-directors Eric Darnell & Simon J. Smith continue the adventures of the scene-stealing paramiliatry penguins from the popular CGI animated Madagascar series.
The lazily titled Penguins Of Madagascar follows the quartet as they attempt the thwart the plans of a psychotic octopus and his octo-minions.  It's frantic energy, rapid-fire gags and colorful characters keep you from noticing it's lack of wit and originality.  While Dreamworks' rivals Pixar might take pride in their graceful & thoughtful execution of each film, here we're treated to something more akin to Bugs Bunny or Tom & Jerry with it's ADHD like pacing.  The kids will eat this stuff up like a bag of Cheezies and it packs the same nutritional value as well but at least it keeps you nourished until the next well-balanced meal.

3 districts of Dublin, Shanghai out of 5

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

A soulless, ruinous version of The Hitchhiker's Guide that’s had all the deadpan wit filtered out of it in an effort to make it shorter and, I presume, appeal to a wider audience who don’t understand British humour. Ironically, the abridgement was for the best because the casting is so abominable that the sooner it ended the better. Many of the actors don’t seem to understand their roles at all. Even Stephen Fry, who’s given the impossible task of replacing the voice of Peter Jones, can’t save it from itself.

1½ generally bad moves out of 5

Burn After Reading (2008)

Clooney does his best work with the Coen brothers; Burn was their third collaboration. He and most everyone else experience some kind of crisis as they attempt to make the best of what middle age has dealt them. Brad does his geek thing, but the highlight, for me at least, is Malkovich’s pissed-off casualty of bureaucracy who spends a large part of the film repeating the same phrase over and over. The CIA are also involved, somehow.

3½ kinds of secret shit out of 5

KNOCKAROUND GUYS [2001]

Brian Koppelman & David Levien co-write & direct Knockaround Guys, a run-of-the-mill crime-drama that seems to set out to have the same body count by it's last reel as Reservoir Dogs did.
A mobster's son and his second-rate criminal friends botch up an important job that finds them in some buttfuck nowhere middle American town, which ultimately leads to some heated intereactions.  It is interesting to see the many different levels of organized crime but that's where anything even remotely engaging ends.  The dialogue is laughably clichéd, the characters are wooden and the plot is a muddled mess that could only lead in one direction.  If not for the reasonably entertaining cast I might have turned this one off pretty quickly.

2 bar brawls out of 5

Beowulf (2007)

The Beowulf poem was penned in English but not any kind of English you’d recognise. This CGI version is in modern day language, except for the occasional respectful nod to the archaic. Leaving aside differences elsewhere, as a film it does a lot of things well: Grendel is brutally violent but also owns our sympathies; Beowulf himself is flawed and his role open to interpretation; and the fights are dramatic as hell, using the freedom of movement that a virtual environment allows.
The animation succeeds in being realistically lifelike (especially Jolie's face), so if that kind of thing pleases you then you should have no complaints.

3½ belching Thanes out of 5

RED 2 [2013]

Galaxy Quest director Dean Parisot slips into the director's chair for the sequel to the 2010 action/comedy Red.
Once again Bruce Willy does what he does best and that's not take his action acting too seriously making for a pretty fun ride.  Mary Louise-Parker scene steals like no tomorrow with her adorably funny performance, while Helen Mirren & Byung Hun Lee bring an awesome Fast & Furious attitude with some wicked guns and vehicular carnage.  It's still wildly violent to the point of ridiculousness but manages to never keep a straight-face while the bullets fly and bones snap 'n crack.  As much fun as the film is, it's a bit too generic and feels like we've seen this story over and over and over again, leading me to believe if not for the fantastic cast it'd be pretty dull.

3 tingles for a Pringle out of 5

WARM BODIES [2013]

50/50 director Jonathan Levine's adaptation of Isaac Marion's zombie romance novel Warm Bodies is a bit of a head-scratcher.
Branded as "Twilight with zombies" gained it an unfortunate rep but I was pleasantly surprised to find it was more Edward Scissorhands than sparkly vampires.  It's well acted, occasionally funny and breathes some new ideas into the tired zombie genre.  However, it has a difficult time balancing comedy and horror which makes for a very bumpy ride.  Had it leaned closer towards the comedy and inserted a bit more wit into the dialogue it might have worked, instead of taking the silly premise just a tad too seriously at times.

2½ zombies with a wicked vinyl collection out of 5

Afterwards (2008)

A film about death and one man's reluctance to accept that it can be predicted.
After an opening that had me literally gobsmacked the film plummets into an almost intolerable audible experience due to Romain Duris' inability to enunciate in the English language. It’s not his native tongue, so maybe the blame ought to lie more with the casting director. Nevertheless, the thick French accent meant I couldn't understand a damn thing he said. (If the situation was reversed he'd probably, rightfully say the same about me.)
Malkovich is good as a quiet, confident doctor with an unusual ability.
Had the film been made either entirely in French, or with a lead that could speak clearly, it could've been much better than it currently is.

2½ white lights out of 5

RED [2010]

Loosely inspired by Warren Ellis' comic book mini-series, Robert Schwentke's RED isn't everything it could have been but is still takes you out for a good joyride.

With a veteran cast made up of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox and Richard Dreyfuss, it comes as a surprise that Mary Louise-Parker and Karl Urban are the real scene-stealers here.  It's an outrageous, funny, violent action-comedy that's based more on it's cast rather than the script.  Not great, but fun enough to kill two hours.

3 gun-stuffed pigs out of 5

Shadow of the Vampire (2000)

F. W. Murnau’s famous vampire film Nosferatu (1922) experiences a few problems during filming, and the crew begin to suspect that the guy with the teeth, Max Schreck, may in fact be the real deal. There are some wonderful parallels with the original film, and using modern film techniques to play around on a 1920’s film set is great fun for a while, but the script flounders once the initial novelty wears off. The ending saves the day and may well leave you thinking the rest of it was better than it actually was. Willem Dafoe gives a first-class performance, despite being almost unrecognisable under all the make-up.

2½ English speaking Germans out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON [2011]

I walked out of the theater at the hour and fifteen minute mark of this shitfest. So I figured if budarc could sit through Priest twice then I could sit through this beginning to end.
I'm not sorry I missed the remainder of the movie, however I would have liked to have seen the final hour in IMAX 3D, with the exception of the final showdown which is a HUGE letdown. Giant robots fight. Things go boom in slow-motion. Plenty of ass shots...and that's just Shia's face. Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley gets plenty of exploitive shots as well.
As a CGI effect and sound effects film this is a work of art...for story, acting, direction and anything else is a steaming pile of shit.

1 "Missed It By That Much" out of 5