ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS [2016]

Director James Bobin spits out the colorful fantasy adventure Alice Through the Looking Glass, the sequel no one asked for to Tim Burton's live-action Disney remake of Alice in Wonderland.
Completely ignoring any thematic reasons as to why a looking glass was a part of the story in the first place, the story follows Captain Alice (?) as she steals a time-traveling object from Time in order to save a dying Mad Hatter.
I didn't think they could suck the soul out of the story anymore than they did with the first film but this one does a mighty fine job of it, while trying to hide the fact behind beautiful imagery with loads of Disney money piled on top of it.  Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway & Helena Bonham Carter might have been the highlights of the original but here they seem bored, embarrassed and almost as if their minds are wandering elsewhere.  It's the kind of shit that easily passes through the body and falls into the toilet to be forgotten within moments after wiping your ass of this slop.

1 Hatter family member out of 5

St Trinian's (2007)

Our reintroduction to the all-girls school is alongside rich girl Annabelle (Talulah Riley), who gets enrolled by her waste-of-space father. She’s ill at ease in an institution where the girls make moonshine in the Chemistry lab and some of the staff are on drugs.
The Minister for Education is a wanker (art imitating life?) who wants to make an example of them, so the girls have to fight for their right to party.
Unless you’re a fourteen-year-old girl (or think like one) then it's a complete washout. For adults, the allusions made to things outside the film are likely to be the most entertaining (e.g. the horny dog, Darcy).

1½ belles with (hockey) balls out of 5

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES [2014]

The final part of Peter Jackson's over-bloated Hobbit trilogy brings us to a mildy under-whelming farewell to the cinematic world of Middle Earth.
The Battle Of The Five Armies will satisfy hardcore fans of Jackson's vision but will more than likely bore anyone uninterested with it's constant attack of CGI battles and creepy crawlies.  It might be billed as "the defining chapter" but one can't help but feel it's not much more than a generous helping of fan service.  With all that out of the way, as a fan, it's a pretty jaw-dropping spectacle with many an applause worthy sequence and giddy-inducing moments leading into the Lord Of The Rings.  

3 bears falling out of the sky out of 5

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)

A soulless, ruinous version of The Hitchhiker's Guide that’s had all the deadpan wit filtered out of it in an effort to make it shorter and, I presume, appeal to a wider audience who don’t understand British humour. Ironically, the abridgement was for the best because the casting is so abominable that the sooner it ended the better. Many of the actors don’t seem to understand their roles at all. Even Stephen Fry, who’s given the impossible task of replacing the voice of Peter Jones, can’t save it from itself.

1½ generally bad moves out of 5

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG [2013]

With the 2nd part of Peter Jackson's Hobbit trilogy, the wonky pacing of the first is smoothed out making for a more enjoyable experience.
The Desolation Of Smaug still might be longer than it really should be but the pay-off is well worth the wait with the introduction of the mighty dragon, voiced with exquisite intimidation by Benedict Cumberbatch.  Sure, there's a lot of padding to flesh the story out into three films but Jackson, Guillermo Del Toro & crew are obviously so committed to staying true to Tolkien's world, characters and themes that it all blends together quite organically.  The problems with the 48 fps of the original are completely diminished and makes for an even more incredible experience.
The final razzle dazzle film of the year is quite literally the way to end 2013 with a bang.

4 barrel rides out of 5

Wilde (1997)

The 19th Century's quintessential bender, Oscar Wilde, deserved no one less than the 20th Century's most fabulously intelligent bender to play him onscreen. It's a good thing Stephen Fry can act, because it's the role he was born to play. Wilde enjoyed showing the world how abhorrent their ignorance was, and he was proved right by their reaction to his 'private' life. The film documents that side of him, including his fame and his fall, and doesn't shy away from the naked truth.
If you're not familiar with Oscar's work, then you may want to proceed with caution because there are some spoilers - it gives away the ending of both The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Importance of Being Earnest.

3½ frivolously serious wild flowers out of 5

V FOR VENDETTA [2005]

Director James McTeigue & The Wachowskis bring Alan Moore & David Lloyd's V For Vendetta comic books to the screen with mixed results. 

It's faulted with sloppy dialogue, uninspired lighting & framing and completely altering the political agenda originally explored in it's source material to better suit American culture with a politically juvenile message. On the other hand, the film never seems to waste scenes on pointless character moments and continues to build upon their development and the world around them, which makes it easy to become quite involved with it's intent.  

By no means a perfect film but still a entertaining ride that lost it's original objective.

3½ 1812 Overtures of Destruction out of 5

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS [2011]

Guy Ritchie reunites Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law in Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows for more eccentric fun.

Jared Harris and Stephen Fry make delightful additions to the cast while Noomi Rapace is sadly underused.  It's not as clever as the first and resorts to silly unnecessary CSI-esque slo-mo a bit too often but still keeps up the frantic and entertaining pace.  It might be a slight misfire, however if they maintain this quality I'd still be up for a third helping.

3 little horsey rides out of 5

HOLY FLYING CIRCUS [2011]

Tony Roche created this bizarre exaggerated retelling of the controversy that surrounded the release of Monty Python's 1979 biblical satire Life Of Brian.

Told in the surreal style of a Python sketch itself, Holy Flying Circus is a bit of a hit and miss.  The first half of the film is pretty slow but with a little help from the excellent casting of the Python themselves, you'll be rewarded once you reach the final act.

3 puppet fights out of 5

ALICE IN WONDERLAND [2010]

Director Tim Burton seemed like the perfect choice to take up the task of recreating Lewis Carrol's Alice In Wonderland for the silver screen.  Unfortunately he sets us up for a colossal disappointment. 

The highlights of this film are, surprise surprise, the colorful visuals and Danny Elfman's quirky music.  Mia Wasikowska holds her own very well against the wonderfully crazed performances from Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter.  The problem here is the boring story, and lack of emotional character development.  By the end of the film, I couldn't help but feel this was one big pointless spectacle.

2½ "Where's My Obligatory Tim Burton Main Titles Sequence? God Dammit!" out of 5

Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (2006)

Steve Coogan plays Steve Coogan playing Tristran Shandy in this film-within-a-film adaptation of the classic "unfilmmable" novel that deals a lot with procrastination as well as the procrastination of the making of this film. I'll let you read that back over again. Think Adaptation meets This Is Spinal Tap and you'll get part of an accurate picture. Very funny and inventive way of tackling the subject matter head-on without actually being faithful to the material...well, if you've seen it, you'd understand.

4 hot chestnuts in the trousers out of 5