Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Riding high on the sails of Muppet Christmas Carol, Brian Henson sets out to adapt the next great literary classic. Full of swashbuckling adventure at sea, old treasure maps, chests full of pirate's gold and a legendary over-the-top performance by Tim Curry as Long John Silver, it's fun for all ages. Sadly, the material does not totally mesh well with the Muppets' sense of humor, and while it's full of colorful characters, skillful puppeteering and a memorable seafaring backdrop, it lacks both the humor and heart which made past Henson productions successful. My biggest issue is that it kid-ifies the source material too much. The Muppets shouldn't have their edges sanded off and it shows. 

3 black spots out of 5

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES [2014]

The final part of Peter Jackson's over-bloated Hobbit trilogy brings us to a mildy under-whelming farewell to the cinematic world of Middle Earth.
The Battle Of The Five Armies will satisfy hardcore fans of Jackson's vision but will more than likely bore anyone uninterested with it's constant attack of CGI battles and creepy crawlies.  It might be billed as "the defining chapter" but one can't help but feel it's not much more than a generous helping of fan service.  With all that out of the way, as a fan, it's a pretty jaw-dropping spectacle with many an applause worthy sequence and giddy-inducing moments leading into the Lord Of The Rings.  

3 bears falling out of the sky out of 5

QUARTET [2012]

Actor Dustin Hoffman makes his directorial debut with Quartet, a good-natured drama about an old age home for retired musicians.
It's fairly predictable, probably a mite bit too quiet for a lot of folks and it's filled with a gaggle of fussy old English farts that will most definitely drive off the average movie-goer.  However if you've got an open mind, you'll be rewarded with a sharp and funny script, packed with wonderful performances, particularly Billy Connolly and Pauline Collins.  I expected it to be sappy and emotionally manipulative but it's far from it, as Hoffman keeps it level-headed and nothing more than a genuine lazy afternoon delight.

3½ Bettie Davis quotes out of 5

BRAVE [2012]

Pixar regulars Mark Andrews & Brenda Chapman with some heavy help from Sam & Max mastermind, Steve Purcell, direct the fantasy adventure Brave.

It teaches the hilarious lesson of the best way to understand your mother is to turn her into a bear.  Take notes, kids, as you find out whether or not your mom shits in the woods.  Unlike Pixar's other films, where the premise and settings are usually quite different, Brave settles itself into more a traditional Disney style and never really offers anything different from what we've seen before.  It's probably the most beautiful looking film to come out of the company but also the most cut-and-dried as well.

3 will-o'-the-wisps out of 5

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS 2: ALL SAINTS DAY [2009]

After a 10 year absence, Troy Duffy's American/Irish badboy vigilante brothers are back in the follow-up to the cult hit in, The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day.

After a rather crowd-pleasing original, it's hard to follow-up and this fails in almost every way.  The dialogue is flat and uninspiring as hell, the action sequences are inanely dull, it's horribly uneven pacing and Billy Connolly is painfully underused.  Aside from a few humorous moments, All Saints Day is an utter disappointment and waste of time.

1½ cats on a bar out of 5

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS [1999]

Writer/director Troy Duffy channels his inner Tarantino in the cult classic action flick The Boondock Saints.  While the film may never give the viewer much to think about, rapidly fires flat dialogue at us or even solidify it's characters enough to care about them, the rest of it is pretty damned over-the-top fun, particularly Willem Dafoe's performance.  It attempts to convince us it has some sort of higher purpose but in the end it just seems like it's more interested in setting up some really cool execution scenes.  

3 obliterated cats out of 5