Legend (1985)

The tale of a fair maiden, a boy who is pure at heart, and an unholy presence who casts a shadow over their love, descending the world into eternal winter.

I unabashedly defend this film despite all its flaws. And there are many. It's a family friendly fantasy full of wonder and darkness. Not much happens for a large part of this film. Intellectually and emotionally shallow, the strength of its charm comes through gorgeous visuals and evocation of mood. The bloated budget lends to its broad appeal, filling its halls with goblins, elves and fairies, while Tim Curry is an intimidating presence as Lord of Darkness. It's not quite The Princess Bride and it isn't Labyrinth, but it exists somewhere in between those worlds in my mind. I would want to live within any frame of this film.

3½ unicorn horns out of 5

Note: Infamously, there are three different versions of this film (not unlike Blade Runner and Brazil), from the shorter U.S. theatrical version (with music by Tangerine Dream) to the longer European and director's cuts with the original, restored score by Jerry Goldsmith. In an attempt to be as fair as possible, my rating represents an average mean across all three iterations.

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

This time, the target of ridicule is haunted house and supernatural horror movies. Starting off with the best parody of The Exorcist I've ever seen, the film only gets better from there and piles on the gags. It's safe to say this won't be for the prudes or the pearl clutchers, but it's funny if you're in the mood to lighten up. Chris Elliot, David Cross and Tim Curry remain highlights.

4 strong hands out of 5

Note: The best sight gag in this movie was actually a deleted scene. (NSFW)

Addams Family Reunion (1998)

After Raul Julia died, no one wanted to make another Addams Family sequel. So in 1998 they went back to the drawing board and recast all the characters (aside from Lurch and Thing's hand model). It's hard to know whether to call this direct-to-video rubbish the third in the "trilogy" or a standalone effort. Tim Curry and Darryl Hannah take over as Gomez and Morticia and do the best they can with the rote material. Unfortunately, the studio notes for this movie were to make it as family-friendly as possible and eliminate most of the dark, sardonic humor that is the staple of the series. The result is sadly forgettable. 

There wouldn't be another entry until 2019 when it went completely CGI.

1 Waltzheimer's disease out of 5

Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Riding high on the sails of Muppet Christmas Carol, Brian Henson sets out to adapt the next great literary classic. Full of swashbuckling adventure at sea, old treasure maps, chests full of pirate's gold and a legendary over-the-top performance by Tim Curry as Long John Silver, it's fun for all ages. Sadly, the material does not totally mesh well with the Muppets' sense of humor, and while it's full of colorful characters, skillful puppeteering and a memorable seafaring backdrop, it lacks both the humor and heart which made past Henson productions successful. My biggest issue is that it kid-ifies the source material too much. The Muppets shouldn't have their edges sanded off and it shows. 

3 black spots out of 5

Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

AKA: National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1

Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson team up in this spoof of the buddy cop genre that takes aim at Lethal Weapon and 48 Hrs, as well as Basic Instinct, Silence of the Lambs, Die Hard, Wayne's World and other hit films of the day.

I always found it amusing that Emilio did this while his brother Charlie was dicking around with Hot Shots!, but he capably takes up the comedy mantle. As always, you have to be in the right mood for this kind of silly humor, but if you're in particular playful spirits, this stuff hits hard. Conversely, if you're in ill spirits, this could just as easily be described as exhausting and boorish.

Chock-full of so many B-list cameos, I couldn't even fit them all in the tags.

3 gratuitous beaver shots out of 5

Note: Despite the number in the title, they never made a sequel.

Stream (2024)

It's always charming watching a shitty low-budget slasher film on the big screen (a one-night only event!). As an old school horror fan, I found it enjoyable for the B-list cameos alone. 

From the producers of the Terrifier series comes this schlockfest about residents of a hotel under attack, all the while being livestreamed out to the world (think Hostel). Jeffrey Combs is always a manic delight, although it looks like he's slowly transforming into Ed Wood or John Waters at this point. The kills in this movie are gory and tongue-in-cheek (playing Tic-Tac-Toe on a dude's torso was a highlight). Also, nothing makes me happier than seeing gratuitous nudity in a movie theater! So it worked for me on a certain level, though I'm fairly sure I enjoyed it 100% more than I would have streaming it at home.

2 split-screens out of 5

Charlie's Angels (2000)

If the goal of the Charlie's Angels reboot was movie escapism on a superficial level, then it succeeded. The whole is heightened by the feeling that the "elite crime fighting trio" of Dylan, Alex and Natalie (Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and Cameron Diaz, respectively) are having a blast while making it. The story is pretty thin and the primary villains are forgettable, but for every weak link (e.g. Sam Rockwell, Tom Green) there's a stronger one doing its utmost to draw attention away from the faults. In the latter category there's Crispin Glover, great use of chart music, playful stereotypes, ridiculous disguises, and a dynamic approach that never misses an opportunity to make its leading ladies shine. And for fans of the original TV series, the voice of John Forsythe.

3 bird calls out of 5

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Giant mouths on giant screens creep me out, but the rest of TRHPS tickles my happy place. It's an insane flick inspired by a love of B-Horror movies and cheapo sci-fi, everything from Hammer to Plan 9, with a glaze of camp that gives it a love it or hate it sheen. It has Richard O'Brien on top form, a delectable Susan Sarandon, chilled Meat loaf, and Tim Curry in fishnets.
Now, if I could remove the words "It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right, with your hand on your hips, you bring your knees in tight..." from my brain at 2 a.m. then I could maybe get back to not sleeping for other reasons.

4 unconventional conventionists out of 5

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1992)

Just as the first one was hard to review, this one is equally difficult because it's essentially the same film. But that didn't keep me from loving it at 10, and I'm still the same immature kid I always was. Okay, so it's really improbable that the family would lose Kevin again (this time, as the title suggests, he's got the whole city to himself), but it's actually pretty fun and charming if you open up to it. You'd have to be a real Mr. Grumpy Pants to not get any basic enjoyment out of this film. That being said, I enjoy the gags, derivative as they may seem, and it's all quite goofy and harmless when you get down to it. There aren't many kids movies that feel the same way.

4.5 pairs of turtle-doves out of 5

Stephen King's It (1990)

We all float down here…
Creepy clown terrorizes kids and preys on the fear of the innocent in the peaceful town of Derry, Maine. 7 childhood friends—a merry band of misfits, losers and rejects (aka, STS)—are able to fight together and contain the evil, but only for 30 years at a time. Told concurrently between two timeframes, it’s the best coming-of-age story since Stand By Me. Tim Curry is terrific as the iconic Pennywise who controls through fear in a way that evokes the sinisterism of the original A Nightmare on Elm Street. For those who claim it’s not “scary” enough, remember that it was made for TV (a new R-rated remake is also on the way). I love this movie because it reminds me of the friends I never had, never will have, and why I watch movies in the first place.

5 deadlights out of 5

Burke & Hare (2010)

Equal parts ridiculous and dumb, this black comedy by John Landis follows struggling peddlers Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis (the first time I've actually seen his face in a movie) as they turn to a life of crime, murdering and subsequently selling the bodies for medical dissection. Based on a true story, the source material is all there, it just isn't very funny or all that entertaining to watch.

2 fleshy arse wounds out of 5