Dicks: The Musical (2023)

What a weird fucking movie. But after giving it some thought, I think I kinda loved it? It's nice to have crudity for crudeness's sake sometimes. This one aims to offend every single member of your family and I think it hits the mark.

Craig and Trevor are two straight, womanizing, misogynistic identical twins separated at birth by their parents, who in turn try to reacquaint their parents by disguising themselves as each other. Believe me, it gets more twisted from there, but you're just going to have to experience it for yourself. I was lucky enough to see it in theaters, and at the end, some guy in the back just said, "What the fuck was that?" That's a glowing endorsement if I've heard one.

3½ sewer boys out of 5

Stamptown (2026)

Zach Zucker's variety and cabaret show has been running for over a decade in international fringe festivals and is captured in this hour-long comedy special for Netflix. It reminds me a bit of The Goes Wrong Show, but with naughty bits added to it. I like it when it leans into absurdity and Eric André-like antics. The chaos and anarchy is the entire point of the format and it plays with audience expectations. I expect the shows are even more kinetic when witnessed in the crowd. I came away thinking it was a bit overrated, but enjoyed it all the same.

3 safety vests ("Let's do it again!!") out of 5

Spermageddon (2024)

How does this movie exist? It's an adult CG animated film aimed towards teens that feels like a companion piece to Sausage Party and plays out like Fantastic Voyage through the reproductive system. It's basically Inside Out for perverts.

Simen the semen is one of a billion sperm cells who worries about making it to the motherland or dying one of a thousand horrible deaths. But the nutsack is getting too crowded and someone's got to go. This is a concept I'm surprised took this long to make, yet I applaud the balls that it takes to make something so crass into cute animated musical form. Contains about a thousand cum puns, yet I couldn't get enough. I am not a prudish person in the least, but this one even had me clutching at my pearls by the disgusting places it goes. I'm glad to be taken out of my comfort zone. I doubt I'll ever see another film like it.

3 contraceptives out of 5

Hadestown: The Musical (2026)

An intimate scaled-down performance, this filmed version of the hit Broadway musical tells the story of Orpheus and Eurydice: a penniless poet and a woman seduced by the promises of riches of an underground town. Though the story primarily revolves around the fate of these Greek characters, it's Persephone who stands out to me, trying to win back her lover Hades's hand. It's a simple tale, told over two and a half hours of a blues-infused jazzy soundscape. I like it for what it is, but my issue is more with the cruel myth that it's based on.

3 belladonna kisses out of 5

Moana (2026)

Welp, here we go again. Just 10 short years ago, the original Moana became a modern Disney classic. It earned a sequel which was equally beautiful, though less warmly received. Now they've decided to cash in on the original yet again with a nearly shot-for-shot recreation. The best you can say about many of these live-action remakes is that they're mostly the same, only worse. Luckily, the original remains in such high regard, that even a knockoff isn't enough to dampen its spirits. The practical locations are magical; it's the overabundance of CGI that bogs it down. Newcomer Catherine Laga'aia is cast perfectly as the seabound Moana, while The Rock reprises his role as the demigod Maui whilst rocking a full head of hair. It's far from terrible, it's just like, what's the point? To squeeze more milk from the mouse's teat. Still, I enjoyed it. It made me feel like a kid again, even though I was well into my 30s when I saw the first one.

3 Kakamora out of 5

K-Pop Demon Hunters (2025)

It's easy to feel cynical when watching a movie boosted by current trends and bandwagon jumping. A trio of K-pop idols called HUNTR/X moonlight as demon hunters (it's there in the title). A blend of genres, including anime and Korean drama, and animated in the style of Sony's Spider-Verse movies, visually, it's aces. I guess it makes sense since K-pop singers are treated like superhumans in our modern culture. What helps this film succeed in its own right is that the songs are catchy, so it mostly resembles an extended music video with a loose plot. It's flashy and poppy, which will appease the young ones. A novel concept that was unfortunately popular enough to launch its own franchise.

2½ Golden Honmoons out of 5

Note: The OST on its own gets 3 out of 5 for doing most of the heavy lifting.

The First Snow of Fraggle Rock (2025)

The caves are decorated with lights, and the Fraggles of Fraggle Rock await the first blanket of winter, but when only a single snowflake materializes, Gobo doesn't have enough inspiration to write the annual holiday song. So he must travel to "Outer Space" (the human world) for further motivation. The Fraggles's best attribute has always been the music, and there are four new songs here, although only one of them is an earworm ("Can You Feel It?"). It's a pretty tame and tepid holiday special designed for the kiddies, and nothing I would ever be interested in revisiting. Worth it only for the nostalgic factor.

2 rock blocks out of 5

Kiss of the Spider Woman (2025)

An adaptation of the 1992 stage musical, based on the 1976 novel (which was previously adapted into a film in 1985). In an Argentinian jail cell in 1983, a flamboyant man relays the story of his favorite movie to a political prisoner being held for questioning. These Technicolor sequences serve as a fanciful diversion from the stark horrors of prison life. Jennifer Lopez stands out as the titular character, which I enjoyed in contrast to the rest of this drab film. Unfortunately, it's a movie at war with itself that cannot be reconciled.

1½ pairs of shitty underpants out of 5

Wicked: For Good (2025)

Paying off Act II of the wildly successful stage show was always going to be a gamble, but it's performed with enough aplomb to impress even the skeptics. Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo create real magic on the screen together as they repave the rest of the path to the Yellow Brick Road. The way this film gradually introduces the elements that would become The Wizard of Oz is satisfying, even when it feels shoehorned in. The first part is definitely the stronger one, with the better song numbers, and this one leaves certain plot elements up in the air, but at least it provides a definish close to the chapter.

3½ clock ticks out of 5

Note: I give both Wicked + For Good a combined score of 4 cyclones out of 5.

Shakespeare's Shitstorm (2020)

AKA: #ShakespearesShitstorm

Troma, ever obsessed with the works of Shakespeare, takes on The Tempest. A cruise full of social media influencers and the heads of a pharmaceutical company get caught in a storm of whale diarrhea (just go with it) to trap the corrupt elites in the shithole of Tromaville, New Jersey, where Prospero can take his revenge. Thankfully, Troma hasn't lost its edge, as it takes on "woke" culture and subjects social justice warriors to a taste of their own medicine, devolving into the typical showcase of gross-out humor and cheesy effects.

It tries hard to outdo itself, but mostly ends up capsizing under the pressure.

2½ cocks with a cock out of 5

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

It's a fast food chicken restaurant built over an ancient Indian burial ground that spawns foul zombie fowl when consumers eat the contaminated product. Or something like that. Troma films are notoriously hard to sum up succinctly. Oh yeah, and it's also a musical! But really, it's all just an excuse for a series of nauseating special effects on display featuring all manner of bodily fluids. It's completely in bad taste and relishes in it. Not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach. It lives up to Troma's reputation as an equal opportunity offender.

3 chicken cocks out of 5

The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984)

The last of the Jim Henson Muppet movies before he passed (though he also directed Labyrinth and produced A Muppet Family Christmas for TV). This time, Frank Oz takes the reins in his solo directorial debut (having previously co-directed on The Dark Crystal). This one is full of so much heart and soul, you don't mind that it's of inferior quality to the first two. As always, the songs remain top notch. I think the key to the Muppets' longevity has always been the music. This film also provides our first look at the Muppet Babies, which became an animated hit on TV that same year. It's light-hearted fun for all.

3½ inter-species weddings out of 5

The Great Muppet Caper (1981)

While not quite as memorable as the original, Jim Henson's directorial debut is full of so many fun bits, one-liners and irreverent humor that you don't really mind. Taking the shape of an old fashioned movie musical with giant setpieces and film stars of old to complete the effect, the chemistry between this cast is like capturing lightning in a bottle. While the rest of the Muppet movies would vary in quality, these first two films remain the funniest and most quotable, and the songs are some of the best. Fun for kids and kid-shaped adults alike.

4 "we're making a movie!" out of 5

The Muppet Movie (1979)

Made at the height of their television domination, the Muppets' first foray onto the silver screen is all at once funny, heartwarming, weird and magical. This "origin story" of sorts is a musical road trip buddy comedy adventure where Kermit the Frog must make his way from the swamps of Florida to Hollywood, while he meets the rest of the Muppet crew along the way. Having recently experienced it in a movie theater, I can attest it still delights audiences five decades later. This movie persists because of the partnership and endless chemistry between Jim Henson and Frank Oz, who inhabit their felt characters with humanity and wit. Full of fun cameos from movie stars of old, this film still feels timeless 50 years later. While it may not be "perfect," it's still a joy to behold from beginning to end. For the lovers, dreamers, and like-minded.

5 rainbow connections out of 5

Smurfs (2025)

The little blue shits are back.

It doesn't feel good that I am once again nutting a Smurfs movie in 2025, but this is actually the fourth film (and second reboot) after the previous attempt went off the rails in 2017. Going back to basics, the little blue perverts exist blissfully unaware in Smurf Village, where their name dictates their entire personality and they are seemingly tethered to their fates from birth (this could be a good premise for a horror movie). Cue in: No Name Smurf, who is looking for his life's purpose, amongst the backdrop of a bright magical world.

The biggest draw of this one seems to be the dubious casting of Rihanna as Smurfette, which explains why this also happens to be a musical. I found the portal hopping kept my attention, even if it didn't lead anywhere worthwhile.

What's funny is that I used to be a big fan of the Smurfs as a kid, but I have no memory of why. Turns out I was just partial to the color blue.

1 Snooterpoot out of 5

Note: Another little-known fact about the Smurfs is that they all gang-bang Smurfette every single night. And she likes it. (Her nickname is Bonnie Blue.)

The End (2024)

It seems like at the end of every year, there is a prestige movie concerning the end of the world, whether it's Don't Look Up, White Noise, or Leave the World Behind. The End is a musical about a wealthy family who has survived for two decades in a lavish underground bunker, where they spend their days running emergency preparedness drills, writing memoirs, admiring art and baking cakes, when one day they find another survivor has breached their walls. Michael Shannon sings (!) while Tilda Swinton wears another terrible wig to distinguish it from her other quirky roles. Musicals have an otherworldly quality where you have to suspend your disbelief, so it fits the strangeness of the material well, even though I was already tiring of it long before its excessive two-and-a-half hour mark. There are lots of interesting places this film could have gone, but somehow it manages to sidestep most of them. It just feels like another tremendous waste of potential and it's such a shame. 

2 inopportune farts out of 5

Emilia Pérez (2024)

A musical crime thriller where I learned that Zoe Saldaña is completely fluent in Spanish. This one revolves around a cartel kingpin who undergoes a sex change operation and starts a new, "authentic" life while estranged from her wife and kids. It's weird, man. There are some catchy songs and unique dance numbers, and that's the most memorable part of the film for me. It did nothing for me personally, but I can recognize why it's received accolades and outside attention (both critical and lauding). It just failed to move me on any level.

3 completely oblivious characters out of 5

Mufasa: The Lion King (2024)

What to do after you've already remade the movie and want to bleed more money out of the IP? You make a prequel! Mufasa, the original King of the Pride Lands (and father to Simba), gets his own backstory and of course all it does is succeed in undermining the original film. We've been down this road before. It plods along like a dull roar, with original songs from Lin-Manuel to help keep the action moving. I found it a bit too sycophantic and strangely politically motivated, although it ultimately managed to win me over (but just barely).

2½ Milele out of 5

The Lion King (2019)

For some reason, they thought they'd remake the seminal classic The Lion King as a "live action" film with photorealistic animals. It's about as pointless an exercise as remaking Psycho, in my opinion. Trying to add emotion to an animal's face is foolhardy, so the bulk of the performance comes through the all-star voice cast. It's basically made for the latest generation of kids who grew up on CG movies rather than traditional cel painted animation. It gets good marks for essentially replicating the exact same plot and layout of the original (with some additional fluff), but you might as well just stick to the classics. While competently made, I have no desire to see this version again.

3 circles of the Hollywood machine out of 5

Wonka (2023)

For a moment, life doesn't seem quite so bad...

For a moment, I kind of forgot to be sad...

I was so skeptical going into this movie. It doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it manages to capture a bit of cinematic magic, which has become increasingly rare in these cynical times. I loved all of the original music, and every time I heard strains of "Pure Imagination," tears started squirting out of my eye balls. The message is heartfelt and the film itself is vibrant and full of color. There is one sequence in particular that stands out to me and solidifies it as a prequel to the Gene Wilder classic. Timothée Chalamet's younger portrayal of Willy Wonka acts as a loving homage and I can see the two existing side by side harmoniously. Not to mention, Hugh Grant is the bestest little Oompa Loompa. Between D&D and Heretic, I feel like he's having another career renaissance.

I've been analyzing why this film appeals to me so much and there is a real deep-seated sadness that runs throughout it. It's basically about unhappy people who are desperately trying to improve their worth through magical means. Wonka's chocolate promises to take their pain away and usher them into a land of infinite possibilities where the laws of real life no longer apply. I never realized how much melancholy and pathos this story contained. But it's within that inherent framework, along with Wonka's childlike sense of wonder and eternal optimism in the face of impossible odds, that really enhances the whole experience for me (along with the 1971 film). I give it an enthusiastic:

4½ levitating hoverchocs out of 5