Anaconda (1997)

A documentary film crew on an expedition in the Amazon crosses paths with a snake hunter searching for a legendary giant anaconda in this cheesy horror adventure flick. The standout here is Jon Voight as the former priest turned jungle raider. The blend of practical effects and early CGI is jarring at times, but all part of its odd nostalgic appeal. Kind of like a budget Jurassic Park. 

It's a dumb creature feature, but kind of enjoyable for the same reasons.

3 digestible meals out of 5

Kiss of the Spider Woman (2025)

An adaptation of the 1992 stage musical, based on the 1976 novel (which was previously adapted into a film in 1985). In an Argentinian jail cell in 1983, a flamboyant man relays the story of his favorite movie to a political prisoner being held for questioning. These Technicolor sequences serve as a fanciful diversion from the stark horrors of prison life. Jennifer Lopez stands out as the titular character, which I enjoyed in contrast to the rest of this drab film. Unfortunately, it's a movie at war with itself that cannot be reconciled.

1½ pairs of shitty underpants out of 5

HOME [2015]

Director Tim Johnson's CGI animated kiddie-comedy, Home, doesn't even attempt to break any new ground but it's so damned lovably cute I really didn't mind it at all.
It's the familiar tale of a friendship that bonds between a teenage girl and an alien, both of whom are looking for a home for their heart and find it through colorful silliness, wacky hijinks and a plethora of family-friendly pop tunes.  Adults will get the most joy watching the kid's faces light up for the entire duration of the film and move on without giving it a second thought.  It follows the tired CGI animated formula like clockwork but has just enough flair and postitivity to make it a worthwhile waste of time.

3 number threes out of 5

PARKER [2013]

Taylor Hackford steps a bit out of his comfort zone by directing his first "gritty" crime thriller, the Jason Statham vehicle, Parker.
The film starts off like it could be intriguing but quickly slides off that notion and gets painfully predictable and boring as it begins feeling slapped together and uninspired.  Surprisingly, Jennifer Lopez is the shining light here, as she serves as comic relief in tight skirts while The Stath is beginning to get just a little too comfy by never pushing himself to do anything but collect a paycheck these days.  In the end, the film is nothing short of boring and dull, with the exception of feeling embarrassed for The Stath as he tries to pull off a Texan accent.  Feck.

2 Fish camps out of 5

The Cell (2000)

J-Lo dives into the mind of a serial killer hoping to convince him to take her seriously now that she’s an actress in a real, genuine, honest to God film!
It's shallower than it pretends to be, step in it and your toes will barely get wet, but Tarsem makes his eye-candy so full of sugary goodness that it's possible to forgive the plot for the most part.
J-Lo says very little, mercifully, and when she does she whispers.
Vincent D'Onofrio has an intensely overbearing cinematic presence; without him it would be little more than a pretty moving painting that has a number of similarities to The Silence of the Lambs (1991).
Somehow, the individual parts combine to form something memorable that pleases me more than it probably should.

3½ milky white dolls out of 5