Anaconda (1997)

A documentary film crew on an expedition in the Amazon crosses paths with a snake hunter searching for a legendary giant anaconda in this cheesy horror adventure flick. The standout here is Jon Voight as the former priest turned jungle raider. The blend of practical effects and early CGI is jarring at times, but all part of its odd nostalgic appeal. Kind of like a budget Jurassic Park. 

It's a dumb creature feature, but kind of enjoyable for the same reasons.

3 digestible meals out of 5

From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (1999)

A direct-to-video prequel that takes the bloodsucking action back to a wild (Mexican) west setting. Various peoples from different walks of life, including an outlaw gang, a newly married couple, and an author with a fondness for the bottle all find themselves at a saloon in the ass-hole of nowhere, a place of many vices that opens it doors from dusk till dawn.
Someone was far too enthusiastic with the orange lighting effects, but overall it's a fun, if overlong, genre-mashing romp. I'm probably in a minority with regards what I type next, but I enjoyed it more than the first film. What that means is I only had to stop myself once from turning it off, whereas it was four times with the first one. I love that the IMDB cast and crew listing has entries for 'Snake Girl' and 'Wedding Dress Whore'- looks good on a CV!

2 boot blades out of 5

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)

A direct-to-video sequel staring Robert Patrick as Buck. He and his criminal cohorts plan to rob a Mexican bank, but they run into some bats along the way; not your regular garden-variety kind of bats - they're the Titty Twister kind.
In one scene the gang criticise a film on TV for its low quality and lack of memorable characters, when they themselves are that very thing in the movie they're starring in. I took it as a knowing, self-referential nod to its own failings, but it may have been just dumb luck. Elsewhere, references to better films and frequent use of odd perspectives made me think more than once that FDTD2 was probably more fun to make than it was for me to watch.

1½ peculiar POVs out of 5

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Two criminals on the run take a few hostages and head for Mexico. Seth Gecko (Clooney) is smooth and calm under pressure. His brother Richie (Tarantino) is a trigger-happy prick who needs protecting from his own impulses.
It's a movie of two uneven halves. For a while it's an edgy crime flick with QT-penned dialogue. It doesn't go anywhere particularly interesting, but there's at least the feeling that it might. The latter part of the film, however, has no such aspirations. Instead, it goes all out to please fans of a very different genre. I'll say no more, to avoid further spoilers, but the direction it takes will either float your goat or it won't. My goat was thoroughly sunk, but I have to hand it to the creators for trying something so outrageously divergent.

2½ lapdogs of Satan out of 5

Con Air (1997)

I’m not exaggerating my opinion when I say that Con Air is a revelation. I dug it when I saw it in theatres, and I LOVE it now. The inmates are a wonderfully strong and quirky crew of personalities, which is good because they have to shoulder the majority of the screen-time. Cage is incredibly subdued, but he makes it work with the slightest little hints of Cage-yness bubbling up around the seams. There’s some great visual symbolism on display and Buscemi steals the show as a breathing piece of philosophical social commentary. Like NEVER’s Kyosui, the flamboyantly gay character isn’t degraded for who he is and is relied upon the same as the others. I can’t say that it’s enjoyable cheese, because I genuinely believe it’s a well-made action movie with something to say. 

It’s quality.

4 Bruised, yet Bona Fide, Birthday Bunnies out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

L.A. SLASHER [2015]

Director Martin Owen's L.A. Slasher is a long out-dated, dim-wit attempt at an edgy satirical bite at everything that's wrong with modern pop culture.
A masked serial killer is driven by the trash that is today's entertainment business which includes reality TV "stars", socialite's famous for being famous, auto-tune drenched pop acts, social media celebrities who live by the Law of the Selfie, etc. etc.
With a tightly sculpted script with razor-sharp dialogue this might have worked (15 years ago) but sadly it has none of that and comes off as just as hollow as the crap it's trying to dissect.  Maybe that's the point?  Another example of what I like to call 'Natural Born Killers syndrome'.
Had this been funny, scary or gory it might attract a cult-like audience but there's none of that either and instead it just sits and makes me wonder who this was made for.

½ a teen mom starlet out of 5

Sherrybaby (2006)

The mostly blank poster gives no indication of the kind of drama you’re getting if you pick up Sherrybaby. It’s about a woman on probation desperately trying to bridge a gap between herself and her young daughter, who she's not seen for years; she craves it for reasons that extend beyond the obvious need to rekindle.
Part of the film’s narrative is communicated through actions that are subtly implied or insights that are gained from things unsaid.
Maggie Gyllenhaal’s portrayal of a struggling mother getting blocked from almost all sides by a system that’s supposed to help her is astonishing. I like her more and more each time I see her at work.

4 truthful setbacks out of 5

MUPPETS MOST WANTED [2014]

Da Ali G Show writer/director James Bobin returns for a second run with Jim Henson's lovable creations in Muppets Most Wanted.
Like the preceding film, this one is self-aware and not afraid to admit that the "sequel is never quite as good", so with that fuzzy, googly-eyed elephant out of the room we're allowed to sit back and never stop grinning from the silliness we're embarking on.  Oddly enough it does explore some darker areas of the Muppet world but never enough to steer right off track from the fun.  Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey's comic skills are sadly put to waste here but it's Ty Burrell who steals every single scene he's in and that makes up for more than enough.
It might not be as great as the previous film but it's pretty darned close.

3½ pink frogs & green pigs out of 5

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

Rodriguez’s third Mariachi film saw him once again write, direct, edit and score the production. That type of creative control must make him the envy of his peers. The film had a budget almost four times what the previous two had combined and was shot digitally, so editing and SFX would've been a breeze, but the story is a mess. There are too many people with not enough to do and sketchy reasons for doing it. It’s a half-baked movie with an abundance of action but not enough plotting.

2 embellishments out of 5

Desperado (1995)

A sequel to El Mariachi (1992) that feels more like a remake because the two stories are so very similar. It has the travelling musician with the guitar case full of guns, the woman in the small town, the bad guy, etc. The most obvious differences are a bigger budget and more competent cast. You get Antonio Banderas to moisten the ladies, Salma Hayek to stiffen the men, and Cheech Marin to make the family dog drool on the throw rug. It’s typical Rodriguez, which means it’s a mix of stylised action and surface deep emotion that goes well with movie snacks, if you like that kind of thing.

3 blood trails out of 5

The Replacement Killers (1998)

TRK was an attempt to capture and adapt for an American audience the kind of magic that John Woo had delivered in his native China.
Woo produced and reportedly helped choreograph the action scenes.
Chow plays a similar kind of conscientious character as he played in the aforementioned Hong Kong films. The dual wielding pistol stance and his trademark gurn are present and correct.
The film lacks the edgy professionalism of Woo's works, but it was a valiant effort. In its defence, it's a lot better than some of the crap he himself did when he started making films in English.

3 forgeries out of 5

BAD ASS [2012]

Craig Moss, known for generally bad spoof films, directs Danny Trejo in Bad Ass, a film that takes pride in being...well...bad.

Loosely inspired by the AC Transit Bus Fight, this C-movie is brought up a few notches from Trejo's surprisingly grizzled, yet charismatic performance.  Beyond that, it's really, really bad and occasionally quite funny for it's terrible dialogue, nonsensical situations and a climatic bus chase that's footage is so obviously stolen right out of Red Heat with some minor digital alterations.   I don't know if were intended to recognize it but if not it makes all the more funnier.  

2 amber lamps out of 5

HALLOWEEN [2007]

Getting Rob Zombie to remake John Carpenter's Halloween seemed like it might actually work, given his love for horror movies.  

The end result unfortunately isn't very good.  

Zombie sacrifices subtly building tension and smacks you right over the head with brutal violence right from the get go, which honestly wears off pretty fast.  What's interesting though, is the first half of the film in which Zombie expands upon the history of Michael Myers, would have worked had he not taken a cheap route out with the uninspiring second half.  

There's glimpses of creativity but never enough to save the film from itself.

2½ bloody bathroom stall jamborees out of 5

Predators (2010)

Using a plot device that every sci-fi TV series in the history of ever has used, sometimes more than once, means Predators feels like it’s been made hundreds of times before. Swap crab-face out for some other alien and it would play out exactly the same.
Adrien Brody was miscast. The remainder of the team were stock types, especially token female. Michelle Rodríguez must've been busy elsewhere.

2 nobody ever needs to piss out of 5