Ruby Sparks (2012)

The ultimate male fantasy. A struggling novelist writes about falling in love with a woman and it comes true. In fact, everything he writes about her comes true. Of course, with great power comes...happiness? I fail to see the setbacks here. It's a take on the Pygmalion myth, but I won't spoil it any further. I love this film because it celebrates the power of imagination, as solipsistic as it is.

4½ muses out of 5

Note: See also, Mannequin, for a counterpoint to this idea.

Tony (2026)

I knew nothing about chef and travel documentarian Anthony Bourdain, other than the manner of his demise. This biopic shines a light on a sliver of his life as a directionless young man trying to get by, by any means possible. Aspiring to be a writer, and chasing a girl cross-country, he happens into a job at a Cape Cod restaurant that would change the trajectory of his life forever. What I admire about this film is how dirty and rough around the edges it is. It doesn't pass judgement on its sleazy characters and his dark past, and breathes an air of fresh authenticity. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did.

4 buckets of water out of 5

Paddington in Peru (2024)

After his aunt goes missing in Peru, Paddington must go back home to find her, as he gets mixed up with nuns and a riverboat captain on a quest to find El Dorado. If you're a fan of the others, it'll give you what you're looking for, but I didn't find myself as invested as the first two films and it hardly got an emotional response out of me. Most of the fun comes from Antonio Banderas as this entry's villainous lead. It's a cute adventure and the jungle scenery definitely pops on the big screen, but it's diminishing returns at this point.

2½ passport photos out of 5

Note: Emily Mortimer takes over the role of Mrs. Brown from Sally Hawkins, which probably accounts for why it feels so uneven compared to the others.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

With his past adventures behind him, Indy grapples with his destiny as an older man on the verge of retirement, when adventure comes calling once more...

Nostalgia goggles on. Indiana Jones is my favorite film franchise of all time, so I'm clearly biased, but this is still a solid action-adventure flick. The only thing this movie has going against it is its bloated runtime, but since this is purported to be the last in the series (Ford is 81 and claims the character will die with him), I will give it a pass. With its ruminations on life and death, this is the kind of movie that will age well as you revisit it again later in life and realize: Yes, I know exactly what they were trying to say about getting older. Life ain't all sunshine and roses, even when you're the world's greatest hero. It doesn't diminish the legacy of the character at all, despite the heavy subject matter. Harrison can still kick my ass up and down the block.

4 Tuk-Tuks out of 5

Note: For the sake of completion, I would give the first three films 5 out of 5, and the fourth would get 3 out of 5. This one is still not quite as divisive as the previous entry.

Babygirl (2024)

Nicole Kidman plays an older woman who wants her pussy fucked inside out by a much younger man.

Ahem. Nicole Kidman plays a self-made woman who isn't sexually satisfied at home and seeks some outside thrills that push her out of her comfort zone.

The only reason this movie exists and has received accolades is because of the power dynamic at play. If roles were reversed, I imagine it would receive widespread criticism for the exact same reasons. With its confusing gender politics, this is basically Fifty Shades of Grey for the post-#MeToo era.

Is it erotic? Sure. But it comes at the cost of so many disclaimers, that it's downright exhausting.

3 consensual acts of degradation out of 5

The Mask of Zorro (1998)

The larger than life hero of the people fights a forgettable villain (with obligatory moustache) and woos a beautiful woman. Justice prevails.
The only genuinely unpredictable thing about the story is that no one hired Cheech to be a part of it. As contradictory as it is, if they had then I’d have at least been entertained by something beyond the fun swashbuckling characteristic that was a welcome throwback to a bygone era.

2 spirited dances out of 5

AUTOMATA [2014]

Writer/director Gabe Ibáñez's Automata can be best described as a mixture of Isaac Asimov's I, Robot theories and a drier version of Ridley Scott's Blade Runner aesthetics.
Like both worlds it can be compared to, Automata suffers greatly from it's lack of heart, where it could have heavily benefited from, inplace of it's lack of originality.  There's some interesting scenes set up and the second act is actually quite engaging but there's just so much wrong with it's logic everything else just seems to float on nothing.
Major flaws aside the film supplies some fine entertainment fluff for a boring Sunday afternoon but don't expect much more that.

3 nuclear batteries out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 3 [2014]

Director Patrick Hughes reunites Sly Stallone and the boys for one last job (wasn't the first film "one last job"?) in the third and hopefully final Expendables film.

This time around Mel Gibson plays the big bad with a strong lack of enthusiasm that doesn't help the stale action scenes one bit.  Arnie has finally run out of bad one-liners and resorts to repeating a famous one, not once but twice.  Jet Li, who's known for his ass-kicking martial arts skills and not his wooden acting, only acts here.  I could go on forever with reasons why this film lacked but it's not surprising.
What was surprising was how much fun the second film was, which this one is nothing like.

1 choppa out of 5

Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Anne Rice’s homoerotic fantasy vampire novel got gelded somewhat for its transition to the screen but it retained much of the atmosphere that was prevalent in the source. It succeeded in both keeping the gothic allure while simultaneously stripping the immortal of his mystery and painting him as a pained and tragic character.
Having read the novel, I’d not have picked Cruise to play Lestat, but he did a fine job at being a prick. Reports say Brad Pitt was miserable during the shoot, and it shows. It suits his character, but there are times a little more passion for the material would've elevated it to even greater heights.

3½ strange comforts out of 5

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

Rodriguez’s third Mariachi film saw him once again write, direct, edit and score the production. That type of creative control must make him the envy of his peers. The film had a budget almost four times what the previous two had combined and was shot digitally, so editing and SFX would've been a breeze, but the story is a mess. There are too many people with not enough to do and sketchy reasons for doing it. It’s a half-baked movie with an abundance of action but not enough plotting.

2 embellishments out of 5

Desperado (1995)

A sequel to El Mariachi (1992) that feels more like a remake because the two stories are so very similar. It has the travelling musician with the guitar case full of guns, the woman in the small town, the bad guy, etc. The most obvious differences are a bigger budget and more competent cast. You get Antonio Banderas to moisten the ladies, Salma Hayek to stiffen the men, and Cheech Marin to make the family dog drool on the throw rug. It’s typical Rodriguez, which means it’s a mix of stylised action and surface deep emotion that goes well with movie snacks, if you like that kind of thing.

3 blood trails out of 5

PUSS IN BOOTS [2011]

Antonio Banderas reprises his role as the animated sword fighting feline, from the dead in the water Shrek franchise, in Puss In Boots.
The question is can a character who was no more than a couple cheap gags in the Shrek films, carry his own film? Surprisingly, yes.
It's nothing really groundbreaking, original or witty but it keeps an even flow and enough flare to never outright offend anybody with half a brain (which I suspect has a lot to do with Guillermo Del Toro's input). There's plenty of gags for cat lovers in it and enough wackiness for the kids...but it just never rises to it's potential.

2 litter kitties out of 5

The Skin I Live In (2011)

The Skin I Live In is the sort of movie that's probably better the less you know about it, which makes it tricky to review. It's a strange, disturbing with some stunning cinematography (courtesy of José Luis Alcaine). It's not always pleasant to watch, and it's frequently flat-out uncomfortable, but it's absolutely compelling from start to finish.

I was enthralled by this film the entire time I was watching it, but I'm not sure I came away satisfied.  The ideas presented in the movie are fascinating, but neither they nor the film's characters were explored as deeply as I would've liked. It's based on a book, and I think I'd enjoy that more, even with the absence of beautiful visuals. However,  it's a movie worth watching as long as you're okay with the distressing subject matter.

4 body stockings out of 5.