Young Washington (2026)

Sadly, this isn't a case of a Mel Brooks-style spoof starring Gene Wilder and Marty Feldman. Which would have actually made this pile of shit watchable.

Just in time for the semiquincentennial of the United States of America, this patriotic hogwash is a dry, stale series of historical reenactments steeped in 18th century propaganda. I know it's become the vogue thing to shit on history, especially when it comes to celebrating victory steeped in violence, but this is a very sanitized PG-13 version of events, full of divine intervention, which doesn't seem especially historically accurate. It follows young Georgie as he makes his way up the ranks of warfare, stopping just short of the American Revolutionary War, with the Declaration of Independence and his Presidency merely relegated to a footnote. I don't have any issues with celebrating key historical figures, but I do have a problem with lame nationalistic messages being passed off as light entertainment. This movie feels like school.

1 quarter out of 5

Animal Farm (1999)

Of all the various filmed versions of Orwell's dystopian novella, this one might be the most disturbing because of how uncanny valley it is to see this material adapted to live action. Through a combination of real livestock, puppetry and animatronics (courtesy of Jim Henson's Creature Shop), the effect is creepy as fuck, which is appropriate for the allegorical themes contained within. It tones down the political language, but despite the attractive way it's packaged, this is clearly not intended for young audiences. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my psyche, I always tend to conflate this film with The Island of Dr. Moreau.

2½ legs bad out of 5

NEIGHBORS 2: SORORITY RISING [2016]

Director Nicholas Stoller and the rest of the cast & crew of 2014's Neighbors return for another frat-pack smackdown in Sorority Rising.
This time, instead of a dope-headed fraternity, Seth Rogen & Rose Byrne are going head-to-head with a more menacing sorority with the help of a bitter Zac Efron as their prank-master mentor.
With the first film not being very good at all, I was a bit surprised to find this one a bit more enjoyable and packed with more frat-boy belly laughs.  It smartens up a bit with some tired social issues that don't weigh down the laughs but instead make for some of the funnier moments in the film.
It's still a huge waste of time but nevertheless a humorous waste of time.

2½ princess dildos out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 3 [2014]

Director Patrick Hughes reunites Sly Stallone and the boys for one last job (wasn't the first film "one last job"?) in the third and hopefully final Expendables film.

This time around Mel Gibson plays the big bad with a strong lack of enthusiasm that doesn't help the stale action scenes one bit.  Arnie has finally run out of bad one-liners and resorts to repeating a famous one, not once but twice.  Jet Li, who's known for his ass-kicking martial arts skills and not his wooden acting, only acts here.  I could go on forever with reasons why this film lacked but it's not surprising.
What was surprising was how much fun the second film was, which this one is nothing like.

1 choppa out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION [2014]

By now you know Michael Bay's Transformers movies are loud, brainless, void of any logic, flashy and REALLY REALLY long.
Age Of Extinction, the fourth film in the series ditches Sam Witwicky for the inanely dull Yeagers (played by Mark Wahlberg and the horrendous Nicola Peltz).  While the first film was really bad but somewhat entertaining, by the time you get to the 4th anything remotely fun is lost in Bay's ambition to wear the viewer out with stupidity, horrible dialogue and shiny things that growl & fart.
Flashy special effects are great for 20 minutes but nearly 3 hours of it tests one's patience as they reach for more aspirin.
I have no one to blame but myself.

1 Big Lebowski out of 5

TOY STORY 2 [1999]

Recapturing the spirit and the warmth of the first film, Toy Story 2 manages to keep up with the quality we've come to expect from Disney/Pixar collaborations. 

Even though it may not be the most overly complicated film, it still never talks down to it's audience no matter what age they are.  It's funny, creative and beautifully animated with well-rounded characters to boot.  

Timeless storytelling at some of it's best.

4 Geri's out of 5

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Brett Ratner turned this chapter in Jean Grey's evolution into a mostly soulless summer action movie. The first hour is good, but it shits the bed in the second half. If you accept that prior to viewing, then it's possible to enjoy parts of it, but if you're expecting the semi-sophisticated aesthetic of the two previous films then you're going to be butt-hurt. On the plus side, Magneto's Brotherhood begins to feel more like an organisation and less like a gathering of friends over tea and cake. It's a good thing that the main series ended here.

2½ characters with little to do out of 5