Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

In order to save his reckless younger sibling from a fate worse than the film itself, brother Nick is tasked with stealing many cars, an activity that he retired from six years previously. But he's the selfless hero type, so after some badly scripted and hackneyed soul searching he obliges.
To its credit it adds a lot of story that wasn't in the original H.B. Halicki version (1974), but none of the additions are particularly interesting - some are even ruinous, nonsensical and weigh the plot down rather than lift it up.
One thing it does almost as well as its source is manage to be representative of the era in which it was made. Unfortunately, that means it replaces 70s chic with woeful 00's action clichés. The last half hour is particularly bad.

2½ dirty ladies out of 5

The Riddle (2007)

A lazily unfolding mystery about an unpublished manuscript by Charles Dickens. It’s an odd merger of past and present, with a fourth wall breaking monologue from a bygone era having relevance to a modern day murder. The result is like a pilot episode of a series that had never any hope of being picked up. A fastidious rewrite (or three), some recasting and an increase in the budget could've turned it into something uniquely entertaining, because there's a genuinely interesting story there, but as it is now it’s watered down and lacks impetus.

2 pieces of life out of 5

Swordfish (2001)

Travolta embarrasses himself with a silly line of hair on his chin. Everyone else has to work a little harder at it, but still manage to embarrass themselves one way or another. Hugh Jackman uses a keyboard like the rest of us play air guitar. Don’t be fooled, there are no fish in the film. It's a Joel Silver production, so there are some boring explosions and dumb plot threads flaffing in the wind. Don't watch sober.

2 ball-bearing jackets out of 5

X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Brett Ratner turned this chapter in Jean Grey's evolution into a mostly soulless summer action movie. The first hour is good, but it shits the bed in the second half. If you accept that prior to viewing, then it's possible to enjoy parts of it, but if you're expecting the semi-sophisticated aesthetic of the two previous films then you're going to be butt-hurt. On the plus side, Magneto's Brotherhood begins to feel more like an organisation and less like a gathering of friends over tea and cake. It's a good thing that the main series ended here.

2½ characters with little to do out of 5

Snatch (2000)

Snatch is a film about sub-cultures, a big ass diamond and crime. It’s Ritchie’s best. The editing is tight, the dialogue is punchy, the balance of comedy and drama is perfect and Brad Pitt gives the best damn Pikey performance I've ever seen. If you've ever had dealings with the tricksy bastards you’ll appreciate how well he did.
It’s similar in style to Ritchie’s previous film but much more polished. He clearly had more cash to play around with.  innie Jones isn't a natural actor, but here he convinces otherwise.

4 dags and a caravan for me ma out of 5

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Guy Ritchie's first feature is a typical heist film set in the British crime underworld. Crime is a mug's game, and there are mugs aplenty in Lock, Stock.
His ace in the hole was never allowing it to take itself too seriously. The thieves aren't the sharpest tools in the box, and when they try to be clever everything turns into a veritable shit-storm.
You may need to brush up on your cockney lingo because the dialogue is as sharp as the Aylesbury Duck. It’s all a bit Brian Clough around the edges but is chock full of style. Good stuff.

3½ dirty fingers in dirty pies out of 5

THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN [2008]

Japanese director Ryuhei Kitamura makes his American debut by bringing Clive Barker's Books Of Blood short story The Midnight Meat Train to the screen. 

A gruesomely bizarre tale about a photographer who becomes obsessed with hunting down a serial killer who fancies meat hooks on the New York subway.   It's stylish, moody and heavy on the atmosphere but sadly very light on character development, story pacing and riddled with terrible CGI blood.  

2 Barker paintings out of 5

Mean Machine (2001)

Vinnie Jones is in prison and has to try and fit in with a cast of clichéd stock types in a British remake of The Longest Yard (1974). American football is replaced with regular football, which made me cringe when I found out. I hate football.  Despite that, it's the first time I've ever enjoyed a match in my entire life. The film is nothing to write home about, but the last half is good fun.
Jason Statham has a small role with very little screen time but steals the show every time he bulls his way in. It’s worth watching to see him on the field.

2½ ex-footballer acting at acting as an ex-footballer out of 5

Not Another Not Another Movie (2011)

This is not a spoof movie. What is this? It's a satire on movie-making and taking shortcuts in the film industry from the perspective of a clueless PA. There are some parodies here and there (Titanic II, Die Hard In Space), but they're freestanding scenes that aren't really connected to the rest of the movie. So is it funny? Well, yes and no. There's actually some talent here; David Leo Schultz is hilarious in a broad, slapstick sort of way and you've got a bunch of big supporting names (Burt Reynolds, Chevy Chase, Michael Madsen, Vinnie Jones) rounding out the rest of the cast, but the movie itself feels like one big chaotic editing mess. So do I recommend it? Eh...only if you're in the mood for a purposefully bad comedy*.

2.5 baby ninjas out of 5

*results are probably enhanced under the influence of alcohol