Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

In order to save his reckless younger sibling from a fate worse than the film itself, brother Nick is tasked with stealing many cars, an activity that he retired from six years previously. But he's the selfless hero type, so after some badly scripted and hackneyed soul searching he obliges.
To its credit it adds a lot of story that wasn't in the original H.B. Halicki version (1974), but none of the additions are particularly interesting - some are even ruinous, nonsensical and weigh the plot down rather than lift it up.
One thing it does almost as well as its source is manage to be representative of the era in which it was made. Unfortunately, that means it replaces 70s chic with woeful 00's action clichés. The last half hour is particularly bad.

2½ dirty ladies out of 5

THE OTHERS [2001]

Tesis director Alejandro Amenábar's English language debut, The Others, is a good old fashioned Gothic ghost story.
Nicole Kidman plays a troubled mother of two ill children who live in a big ol' isolated house which plays host to a series of supernatural events.  Kidman is at her best when she's playing slightly mad people and here she excels, with the help of some impressive child casting, the always mildly creepy Fionnula Flannagan and some truly creepy photography.  Instead of needing flashy FX or rapid edits, The Others slowly chills the bones with it's slow-burning reveals and quiet but really eerie atmosphere.  I love me a good ghost story and this one delivered the goods with full satisfaction.

4 foggy days out of 5

eXistenZ (1999)

I hope it isn't but it’s possible that the film is Cronenberg’s last full-on venture into the ‘body-horror’ genre that he excelled in. It contains within it many elements that fans of his earlier works will be familiar with, including the weird character names and sharp angled Canadian architecture, as if to say this is where the past ends, I'm moving onto genres new afterwards.
It has a lot in common with Videodrome (1983), not just thematically but in other ways, and as such I’d definitely recommend viewing Videodrome first.
If you expect to find something intriguing but sickening you’ll not be disappointed. How does a rubbery, foetus-like VR game pod with umbilical cords that plug into a bizarre anus in your lower back sound?

4 signs of the times out of 5

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

I didn't collect Joe figures as a kid, so I didn't see the Hollywood anus take a giant shit on a beloved childhood memory. All I saw was a film that had more time spent on calculating how many explosions were needed to turn a profit than it had on improving the script, which, let’s face it, isn't atypical of the summer action movie genre. In that respect, it's as good or as bad as many of the other below average summer time-wasters. I even enjoyed that utterly ridiculous chase through the streets of Paris.

2 traffic violations out of 5

THOR: THE DARK WORLD [2013]

After Kenneth Brannagh shat the bed with the first film, I figured Game Of Thrones director Alan Taylor could only do better on Thor: The Dark World.
I was pleased to find my assumptions were slightly correct.  The first act is a dull bucket of boredom, however it's the second act where the story and conflict picks up into some enticing adventure and then it falls into an overdone grand finale of CGI effects and noise.  The only thing the first film had going for it, besides Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston was it's duck out of water humour which is sadly gone here.  It seems to take itself a bit too seriously, apart from a hilarious scene stealing Kat Dennings who fortunately gets a bit more screentime on this ride.
It's an improvement from the first film but doesn't stand up against it's Marvel counterparts.

2½ dreamy Cappy Americas out of 5

SHALLOW GRAVE [1994]

Danny Boyle's feature film debut, the darkly comedic thriller Shallow Grave was a strong indication of the great things to come from the stylish English film-maker.
Like a Hitchcockian character piece, Shallow Grave introduces us to three folks who think they're wonderful people until a large sum of money comes between them and exposes them as the monsters they are.  The plot is pretty simple but the character dissection and study isn't.  There's not a whole lot of background for the characters, mostly due to the quick pace and short running time, but they are so well cast you feel like you're already quite familiar with them.  A very promising start to Boyle's flourishing career.

3½ troll baby's out of 5

28 Days Later (2002)

It's John Wyndham's Day of the Triffids without the Triffids. It's shot in Britain so the lighting is shitty; plus it's on early DV, so it's grainy as hell. The extras show what it could have looked like if it was on celluloid. I’d have preferred that. Somehow director Danny Boyle makes it good. The music makes it great.

4 here's blood in your eye out of 5