Jaws 3-D (1983)

Anaglyph 3D was all the rage in the 1950s and had a brief resurgence in the '80s with some memorable titles like Friday the 13th 3D and Amityville 3-D, which always suggested a better time than it was actually able to deliver. 

In a complete departure from the first two films, it focuses on Brody's kids, who now work at a SeaWorld marine park, where a great white makes its way in through the gates and terrorizes the parkgoers. There is approximately one scene in this movie that remains completely memorable (and makes cheesy use of its 3D novelty), but the rest is pretty hokey and can safely be skipped when going through a rewatch of the series.

1 underwater tunnel out of 5

The Substance (2024)

Good Lord. 😂

Demi Moore gives the performance of her career as Elisabeth Sparkle, an aging starlet who is tipped off to a method to extend her beauty and youth indefinitely. The marketing materials did such a good job of keeping this under wraps, I won't be the one to ruin it for you. All I'll say is that this is body horror the likes of which would make Cronenberg himself nut in his pantaloons. I felt like I had to watch The Fly afterwards just for a bit of 'lighter' fare. There is no subtlety in this movie at all and it is glorious. It commanded my complete and undivided attention the whole time (and not just because of the flagrant nudity). I still have no idea how this made it into theaters, but I'm so grateful it did. It's rare these days that horror actually horrifies me.

I'll be honest, this one restored my faith in modern cinema.

4½ discreetly marked packages out of 5

Vantage Point (2008)

A twisty thriller set in Spain during a political summit concerned with creating an international alliance to tackle America's war on terrorism. It's of such importance that the US president (William Hurt) is making an appearance, making himself a visible target for the people he's there to protest against.
The singular event is replayed many times from the perspective of various attendees, the 'vantage' points of the title. Initially it's exciting and adds a level of intrigue but the overuse and highlighting of too many damn coincidences turns it around until it becomes an exercise in endurance. Likewise, the editing, effectively adding tension at the start, starts to annoy over time. The ridiculous car chase is where I gave up caring about any of it.

2½ phone calls out of 5

Wyatt Earp (1994)

If you love a good Western, like I do, then you might want to leave Wyatt Earp on the shelf and consider picking something else to watch tonight. Costner attempts to give the lawman a sensitive, pained characteristic but fails becuase he has all the charisma of a wet flannel. Quaid is slightly better as Doc Holliday but still thoroughly awful. By comparison, Hackman is excellent, a solid rock in a dead ocean of wastefulness, but he's hardly in the film.
The motivations of some cast members are in place but they're buried in blandness. The score takes no chances; it's mostly generic, rarely breaking free from the chains of romanticised melodrama that its tethered to. The most memorable thing about the film is the cinematography during daylight hours.

2½ cups of coffee (needed to endure the damn thing) out of 5

Enemy Mine (1985)

EM is the old story of two warring individuals in a hostile environment being forced to set aside taught hate and instead cooperate in order to survive. It relocated the action to an alien world in the late 21st Century, pitting and pairing a xenophobic human with a spiritual, reptilian alien known as a Drac. The result is a classic, inspirational sci-fi adventure filled with heartfelt and thought-provoking moments that almost every sci-fi TV show has attempted to replicate at least once.
The last act feels like it belongs in a different film, but it doesn't detract from the almost perfect execution of the first two thirds.

4 universal truths out of 5

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

I didn't collect Joe figures as a kid, so I didn't see the Hollywood anus take a giant shit on a beloved childhood memory. All I saw was a film that had more time spent on calculating how many explosions were needed to turn a profit than it had on improving the script, which, let’s face it, isn't atypical of the summer action movie genre. In that respect, it's as good or as bad as many of the other below average summer time-wasters. I even enjoyed that utterly ridiculous chase through the streets of Paris.

2 traffic violations out of 5

SOUL SURFER [2011]

I was prepared for melodramatic sap in Soul Surfer but not the Christian morals shoved down my throat.

Based on the true story of surfer Bethany Hamilton who lost an arm in a shark attack and her struggle to go back to what she loved.  The film depicts a world where all the pretty blond girls are good & the dark haired ones are bad and if you have faith in God everything will be all right. What a crock of horseshit.

Apart from AnnaSophia Robb's inspiring performance and composer Marco Beltrami's ability to tone down the melodrama with his uniquely simplistic score, this film should be avoided if you're not a braindead zombie.

2 one-armed push-ups out of 5