Scary Movie (2026)

Reboots are all the rage these days. Just as Scream called out the idea of the requel (both a reboot and legacy sequel), this "rebootiquel" aims its sights at cancel culture and poking fun at Gen Z. The Wayans are back, restoring their own particular brand of R-rated humor to the franchise. It casts a wide net, but their target is far too broad. Despite the plethora of modern and niche horror references and meta, self-referential humor, it doesn't feel as though it will age as well as the first two. It's funny, but never quite as funny as it should be. It's filthy, but not quite as filthy as it could be. And yet, when the humor hits, it hits HARD. I never wanted it to end. It's comforting to see the old gang and that early naughts humor back again, even if it's just a shadow of its former glory.

3 rolled blunts out of 5

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

This time, the target of ridicule is haunted house and supernatural horror movies. Starting off with the best parody of The Exorcist I've ever seen, the film only gets better from there and piles on the gags. It's safe to say this won't be for the prudes or the pearl clutchers, but it's funny if you're in the mood to lighten up. Chris Elliot, David Cross and Tim Curry remain highlights.

4 strong hands out of 5

Note: The best sight gag in this movie was actually a deleted scene. (NSFW)

Scary Movie (2000)

The Wayans take on the slasher horror genre with this pitch-perfect parody that skewers its target every time. The quality of the humor in this film is so high, dirty, vulgar and sex-charged, and pushes the limits of bad taste, but it matches my sense of humor to a T. To be honest, these movies are a bit of comfort food for me because they remind me a time when I was still young and had my life ahead of me. A quarter-century later, it still holds up for me.

3½ vacuum cleaner attachments out of 5

Him (2025)

A young man grows up dreaming of becoming a legendary quarterback like his idol, Isaiah White (Marlon Wayans), and would practically sell his soul to do it. When the opportunity arises to train directly under his tutelage, he must go through brutal trials to prove himself in an increasingly hallucinatory journey where he loses his grip on reality. As someone with absolutely no interest in American football, I'm surprised this held my interest as well as it did. It's a pretty good idea that I think I admire more in concept than in execution.

2½ GOATs out of 5

A Haunted House 2 (2014)

While the found footage gags are starting to get a little repetitive, this one incorporates parodies from other popular horror films released at the time, such as Annabelle, Sinister, Insidious and The Conjuring. It's very much a product of its time, but it's a time when people didn't take themselves so fucking seriously. This one dials up the stupid, but that doesn't make it any less funny. Completely irreverent and offensive to the max.

Also, probably the first time I realized Jaime Pressly and Missi Pyle weren't the same person.

3 Morgan Freeman raisins out of 5

A Haunted House (2013)

What better way to clear the house of spirits after you've just watched 8 Paranormal Activity movies in a row? The found footage genre and all of its tropes were ripe for parody and there was no better person to take it on than Marlon Wayans, one-half of those responsible for Scary Movie 1 and 2. This movie is uproariously funny, but doubly so if you're familiar with the material being lampooned (sometimes shot for shot). What a refreshing way to look through the lens of that series and exploit it for all its dirty, highly perverted potential. I laughed my ass off. Nothing is sacred here. They couldn't make another movie like this today.

3 compromising positions with stuffed animals out of 5

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

I didn't collect Joe figures as a kid, so I didn't see the Hollywood anus take a giant shit on a beloved childhood memory. All I saw was a film that had more time spent on calculating how many explosions were needed to turn a profit than it had on improving the script, which, let’s face it, isn't atypical of the summer action movie genre. In that respect, it's as good or as bad as many of the other below average summer time-wasters. I even enjoyed that utterly ridiculous chase through the streets of Paris.

2 traffic violations out of 5

THE HEAT [2013]

I really didn't expect much from Bridesmaids director Paul Feig's buddy cop comedy The Heat so it's hard to be disappointed with such expectations.
Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock have great chemistry and are serviceably funny as the foul-mouthed oil & water partners.  However it takes a good 40 minutes to get going making for a very dull introduction to a very predictable story and being an action-comedy that's hardly acceptable.  It's the type of film where you know exactly what you're getting into and if you're fine with that then it's okay.  If you're not fine with this sort of stupidity then steer clear.

2½ shit jerk dick fucker assholers out of 5

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Requiem scares me; not in the traditional sense, but in a very real, unshakable, under the skin way. It has two parallel stories that overlap occasionally. Together they present an overwhelmingly suffocating experience that once seen will never be forgotten, no matter how much you may want to.
If film awards meant anything then Ellen Burstyn would have a closet full of them for her work. Stylistically, it’s Aronofsky through and through - for me that’s a good thing. Watch it.

5 refrigerators out of 5

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS [2000]

Oh Sweet Zombie Jesus!  What the fuck was that?

Inspired the roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, this shitfest meanders along feeling the need to let the characters explain every single action that happens on screen like it's a 3 year old watching.  

I get the feeling the director and writer merely flipped through a Dungeon Master's manual when it came to research for this film.  Jeremy Irons looks painfully embarrassed and rushes through his lines likes he's racing towards the paycheck.  The characters are so terribly miscast, particularly Marlon Wayans who makes Eddie Murphy in Mulan look like Confucius.

Fuck this movie.

½ a Magic Missile to the brain out of 5