Scary Movie 4 (2006)

This one revolves around spoofs that include Saw, War of the Worlds, The Village and Ju-On/The Grudge. Except so little of it organically fits together. This one is easily the worst of the franchise. It feels like all the humor has been sucked out of this series. How did it fall so far from such great heights?

1 Viagra boner out of 5

Casper (1995)

Casper is a friendly sort, but his three spectral uncles are a real bunch of assholes. A widowed father and his daughter move into the palatial residence to investigate the haunting, where they befriend the eponymous ghost while fending with some unwelcome guests. It's a family film with some strangely serious thematic elements, but mostly hampered by shoddy mid-90s CGI.

2½ Ghostbusters out of 5

Ruthless People (1986)

Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker reunited on one last film before going their separate ways in the '90s. In a departure from their previous spoof style, they tackle a dark plot involving kidnapping, blackmail and murder which goes all sorts of wrong. Danny DeVito plays a man who despises his wife (Bette Midler) and plans to have her killed, when he finds out she's been taken and held at ransom by two desperate captors who don't know what they're doing. In some ways, this satirical black comedy feels like a precursor to Fargo. The result is wildly uneven at times, even though it contains many memorable moments.

2½ Stockholm syndromes out of 5

The Grudge: Director's Cut (2004)

There are nearly seven extra minutes in the director's cut for The Grudge. It's obvious why these cuts were made since the theatrical version is PG-13. Any moments of gore or violence were trimmed to stay within the parameters of the rating system. The DC lets these moments breathe in their entirety and actually includes a few extra minutes which add to the culture shock of the American family. There are two lengthened scenes in particular which are pivotal to the Ju-On mythos. In one we learn the significance of the black hair, and the other explains the origin of Kayako's trademark death cry. I believe the DC to be the more coherent version, but many of the additions are merely fan service to the horror crowds.

4 hangings out of 5

Wyatt Earp (1994)

If you love a good Western, like I do, then you might want to leave Wyatt Earp on the shelf and consider picking something else to watch tonight. Costner attempts to give the lawman a sensitive, pained characteristic but fails becuase he has all the charisma of a wet flannel. Quaid is slightly better as Doc Holliday but still thoroughly awful. By comparison, Hackman is excellent, a solid rock in a dead ocean of wastefulness, but he's hardly in the film.
The motivations of some cast members are in place but they're buried in blandness. The score takes no chances; it's mostly generic, rarely breaking free from the chains of romanticised melodrama that its tethered to. The most memorable thing about the film is the cinematography during daylight hours.

2½ cups of coffee (needed to endure the damn thing) out of 5

INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE [2016]

20 years later, FX-driven director Roland Emmerich returns to his popcorn sci-fi blockbuster ID4-verse with Resurgence.
After developing their own technology based off the weapons found within the alien wreckage from the first invasion, Earth must defend itself again from an extraterrestrial invasion only this time without Will Smith.
While it might be a welcome breath of fresh air compared to all the gloomy cynicism of today's sci-fi films, the brainlessness leaves way too much to be desired.  This time around the multiple mini-plots revolving around it's ensemble cast doesn't quite flow as smoothly as the first and instead is a jumble of mismatched moments of "sentimental" mush.  It delivers quite nicely when the destruction begins but after 45 minutes or so you begin wondering "is this it?" and it keeps your mind hostage from wandering away with it's offensively loud noise.

2 doomed landmarks out of 5

The Grudge (2004)

In an effort to distill the same horrific imagery, Takashi Shimizu directs this remake of his own film. Besides the script (written by Stephen Susco), which incorporates an American family deathly affected by residual hauntings in their Japanese home, there is obvious effort to keep the production close to the original. Susco streamlines the source material by excising extraneous chapters. Instead closely following the family and delving deeper into the home's initial tragedies. Shimizu continues to be just as inventive in creating modern scenes of suspense as he was in the Ju-On series. The Grudge benefits from a larger budget with improved SFX, an exclusively built set and stronger actors (such as Grace Zabriskie, Bill Pullman, and Ryo Ishibashi). Some may argue this is a watered-down version, but for a nationwide theatrical release this is a fantastic representation of the story. 

3½ balcony swan dives out 5

INDEPENDENCE DAY [1996]

Director Roland Emmerich changed the anticipation of Summer blockbusters for better or worse with his sci-fi thriller joyride Independence Day.
Rather than sneak up on the puny earthlings, an alien race makes no attempt to hide the fact that they mean to invade Earth, leaving it to America and Will Smith to save the day.
By combining elements of an ensemble cast disaster pic with the alien invasion genre, Emmerich crafted what would be a benchmark for popcorn blockbusters with barely any brains.  The dialogue is absolutely abysmal that is occasionally forgivable due to some entertaining cast members.  It's bloated with pompous American patriotism that would assure big ticket sales with it's target audience.   As stupid as it is, ID4 can't help but be BIG DUMB fun.  

2½ victory cigars out of 5

AMERICAN ULTRA [2015]

Project X director Nima Nourizadeh gives Jason Bourne a stoner makeover in the offbeat action flick, American Ultra.
A smalltown pothead discovers he's a sleeper agent killing machine, who's recently been activated much to the government's dismay, after they've tried to have him eliminated.
It takes the one-joke premise and manages to flesh it out into something with a little more substance than one might expect from such a film.  If not for it's two likable leads, the mean-spirited humor and malicious violence might have sucked out any sort of comedic appeal the flick had going for it.  It's bloody violent and seems to show no remorse in being so, however somewhere within all the smoke there's a small heart giving it a slight purpose.
It's a mess of a film but somehow entertaining if you're not the light-hearted type that believes in the good in everyone.

3 crazy, scary rabid puppies that murder people out of 5

THE EQUALIZER [2014]

Director Antoine Fuqua turns The Equalizer into something completely unrecognizable from the '80's TV series it's apparently based on.
Denzel Washington stars a quiet hardware store employee that extracts violent revenge on the nasty evil-doers of Boston.  The acting is effective as are the brutally violent actions scenes and moody backdrops but it doesn't detract from the fact that the plot is entirely predictable and full of tired clichés.  It's a pretty average gritty thriller and with those expectations in place you'll probably find some enjoyment in this preposterous yet engaging flick.

3 shot glasses out of 5

LOST HIGHWAY [1997]

David Lynch's 1997 psychological thriller Lost Highway is loosely inspired by Ambrose Bierce's short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge and a strange intercom call Lynch received one fine morning.
It explores themes of memories, identity, madness and distrust using a surreal linear style of feverish storytelling.  The initial viewing will leave you baffled and most likely disturbed, however with a closer attention to detail and deceivingly pointless lines of dialogue, you'll figure it all out pretty quickly.  With it's fantastic soundtrack, unsettling photography & sound design and a particularly frightening performance from Robert Blake, Lost Highway is sure to please fans of Lynch's neo-noir films.

3½ mysterious videotapes out of 5

SURVEILLANCE [2008]

Director Jennifer Lynch follows in the perverse footsteps of her daddy with the violently weird mystery/thriller Surveillance.  

It's got hostile clueless local law enforcement, oddball humor, rumbling drones & sound atmospherics, bizarre camera angles and reverb-heavy swarmy music.  Unfortunately it just isn't as hypnotizing or intriguing as it could have been.  Mostly because it grounds itself too far into reality with such outlandish characters which don't really mesh with the overall tone of the film.  Still, it kept my attention from beginning to end and that's all I really asked for.

3 floaty dead people out of 5

THE KILLER INSIDE ME [2010]

Based off the classic crime novel by Jim Thompson, The Killer Inside Me is a disturbing and haunting noir that's a challenging watch due to some of it's brutally graphic violence against women.

Texas in the 1950's makes for a fascinating backdrop for this host of icky characters, with Casey Affleck's sociopath being the center of it all.  Affleck's skin-crawling performance is so damned creepy and played down I'd recommend the film based on that alone.  It's beautifully shot with a style I can't quite pinpoint, however it's the distance of each character that makes it difficult to get emotionally attached to.  

3½ Goldberg Variations out of 5

Dear Wendy (2005)

What’s the collective noun for socially awkward misfits that form a pacifist gun club with an idyllic sense of right and wrong? They're Dandies. They're empowered. Shit gets real. It's a western of sorts on what resembles an unused Gus Van Sant backlot. Good times.

3½ testicle straps out of 5