STRETCH [2014]

Director Joe Carnahan's Stretch channels the same sort of comedic bat-shit crazy adrenaline he gave 2006's crime-caper mess Smokin' Aces.
Patrick Wilson plays a down-in-the-dumps limo driver who races across a Southland Tales-esque LA to run errands for a crazed billionaire (hilariously played by Chris Pine) that enjoys snorting coke, hitting himself, snorting coke and burning things.   On the outside it seems like it's pure chaos being loud & weird for no reason but underneath it's a clever study of fate and confidence in one's own masculinity.  Sure it's heavily flawed in many areas but it races from beginning to end without ever taking a breath you probably won't even notice until hours later.

3 mustaches grown in Hell out of 5

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Why did I watch it if the first one was so shit? It’s the other way around. I watched part one so I'd have the background I thought I'd need for part two. I wanted to see Galactus. He was a huge disappointment. The only joy I got was from Stan Lee’s best ever cameo.

1 lollipop land out of 5

Fantastic Four (2005)

It’s a bright and colourful origin story, but it’s another solid case of a movie studio milking a tit they've never been properly introduced to.
The biggest problem is in casting. Alba was chosen for one reason alone, and it wasn't her acting ability. The only one of the team that captures the essence of their comic book counterpart is Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm; he’s the one thing that’s in any way ‘fantastic’ about this shit-fest.

1½ plastic bore out of 5

THE KILLER INSIDE ME [2010]

Based off the classic crime novel by Jim Thompson, The Killer Inside Me is a disturbing and haunting noir that's a challenging watch due to some of it's brutally graphic violence against women.

Texas in the 1950's makes for a fascinating backdrop for this host of icky characters, with Casey Affleck's sociopath being the center of it all.  Affleck's skin-crawling performance is so damned creepy and played down I'd recommend the film based on that alone.  It's beautifully shot with a style I can't quite pinpoint, however it's the distance of each character that makes it difficult to get emotionally attached to.  

3½ Goldberg Variations out of 5

Into the Blue (2005)

Into The Blue gives viewers an insight into the life of the bronzed half-human fish-people. Originally native to the shallow waters of Hollywood, they now spend their free time frolicking in the crystal waters of the Bahamas.
You’ll perhaps wonder about the validity of their motivations as the greedy, selfish creatures scour the ocean floor for trinkets; shiny artefacts they believe will make their life better. You’ll certainly shudder as they flaunt their assets in what appears to be a bizarre mating ritual. Pay close attention to how long you can endure the spectacle before you have to slit your own wrists.

0 I'd rather drink shark piss out of 5