The Odyssey (2026)

Two things:

1) This is the best version of Homer's Odyssey ever committed to film.

2) This is far from the best telling of this story.

No one was less excited about this movie than me. Even with Chris Nolan at the helm, a 3-hour epic based on a 3,000-year-old text is a big ask. I'm glad to be proven wrong. Matt Damon leads the big budget, all-star cast as Odysseus. Following a 10-year battle in Troy, it details his 10-year journey to get back home to Ithaca, told confusingly out of order. It's Greek mythology conveyed through grounded realism, captured practically for the most part on real-life locations. In order to emphasize its epic scale, it's also the first feature to be shot entirely on 70mm IMAX film, which comes with its own set of caveats. I found the colors on screen to be a bit drab and the sound mixing is absolutely horrendous. I watched it in IMAX, and for half the film the entire theater was rumbling, making it even harder to decipher dialogue. It's an all-out assault on the senses, although it makes the quieter moments stand out. No one would ever accuse Nolan of being a bad director, but he tends to be a little self-indulgent at times. However, there are moments here where you are held at rapt attention. As a fan of cinema, you owe it to yourself to check it out on the biggest screen possible, even though I still maintain it's far from perfect. 

4 gods defied out of 5

Note: If you enjoyed this modern retelling, I highly recommend The Return, which focuses on the final part of this story. 

Violent Night (2022)

Owing equal parts to Die Hard and Home Alone, this action-comedy sounds a lot better in theory than the sum of its parts. David Harbour plays Jolly Old Saint Nick as a straight-up murderer of bad guys who threaten to ruin one family's holiday. I feel like it wanted to be much more subversive and anti-Christmas, like Bad Santa, but it kind of wimps out on itself. It certainly delivers on the violence, similar to Fatman, and I definitely wasn't expecting Santa to go all Kratos from God of War on everyone. The reason this movie works at all is because it doesn't take its ridiculous premise seriously and has fun with the depraved concept. Christmas sure looks a lot different now than it did as a kid.

2½ deadly Home Alone booby traps out of 5

Summer of Sam (1999)

Set in a NYC  borough during the sizzling summer of '77, when the 'Son of Sam' serial murders were happening (in real life, too), Spike Lee's fictional drama focuses on how the murders affect a group of friends/associates on an intimate scale and how they affect a neighbourhood on a wider one.
John Leguizamo plays Vinny, married to Dionna (Mira Sorvino) but happy to put his cock in any female that looks his way; it's perhaps the best work I've ever seen by Leguizamo. Adrien Brody, on the other hand, as Ritchie, a fan of British punk music, isn't at his best. But the real star of the show is Spike – not his acting, that's for sure, but his ability to indulge his passions as a filmmaker without losing sight of the bigger picture. There's also some very memorable pairings of audio/music with the shockingly violent imagery.

3½ dog collars out of 5

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 [2017]

After a lengthy string of box office bombs and critical failures actor Keanu Reeves finally reached back to the top with 2014's wildly entertaining hyper-violent revenge flick John Wick.  So naturally he and director Chad Stahelski would return for a second round of inexcusable violence.
Wick travels the world after a bounty is put on his head, where he finds himself wearing plenty of stylish clothes, indulges in extravagant fight sequences & slick music, reunites with Laurence Fishburne and finds guns.  Lots of guns.
This time around the film knows how ridiculous it is and adds in plenty of dark humor to lighten the mood a little more but it also manages to flesh out the alternate reality that it's set in, making for a very intriguing set-up for the inevitable concluding chapter.  The Wick films are some of the best pieces of cinematic pulp fiction audiences have seen in a long time and it seems everyone involved enthusiastically knows it.

3 awkward subway rides out of 5

SISTERS [2015]

Pitch Perfect director Jason Moore's Sisters reunites SNL vets Tina Fey & Amy Poehler with much greater success than their previous big screen effort, Baby Mama.
Two 40-something sisters decide to throw a raging house party before their parents sell their cherished childhood home.
It's a humorous twist to have "mature" adults instead of the usual frat-pack partake in this sort of debauchery, even if does occasionally it does forget that's part of the joke and comes off as just plain sad.  There's plenty of great laugh out loud moments amidst the alcohol & drug-infused chaos but it grows a little thin at it's overly long 2 hour running time.  Thankfully, the chemistry of it's two leads and funny supporting cast make the trip seem a little shorter.
Like the drunken characters, you'll come out of it knowing you had fun but don't remember much.

2½ queefs on a yoga ball out of 5

RIDE ALONG [2014]

Fuck Tha Police co-writer Ice Cube & uber-zippy pint-sized comedian Kevin Hart play a cop & a cop-to-be in director Tim Story's bickering buddy action/comedy Ride Along.
Atlanta Police Academy newbie Hart rides along with gruff detective Cube in order to prove that he is worthy of marrying the hard-assed cop's younger sister.  Wacky hijinks ensue and everything falls in place in the end.
Based on the late-night talk show interviews I saw with these guys I loved their comedic chemistry so I figured this flick would be good for a few laughs.  Technically it offers a few mild belly laughs but nothing worth noting.  In fact, it's kind of a major disappointment, especially when you weren't asking for much in the first place.

2 Black Hammers out of 5

AMERICAN ULTRA [2015]

Project X director Nima Nourizadeh gives Jason Bourne a stoner makeover in the offbeat action flick, American Ultra.
A smalltown pothead discovers he's a sleeper agent killing machine, who's recently been activated much to the government's dismay, after they've tried to have him eliminated.
It takes the one-joke premise and manages to flesh it out into something with a little more substance than one might expect from such a film.  If not for it's two likable leads, the mean-spirited humor and malicious violence might have sucked out any sort of comedic appeal the flick had going for it.  It's bloody violent and seems to show no remorse in being so, however somewhere within all the smoke there's a small heart giving it a slight purpose.
It's a mess of a film but somehow entertaining if you're not the light-hearted type that believes in the good in everyone.

3 crazy, scary rabid puppies that murder people out of 5

Carlito's Way (1993)

In one of Pacino’s best roles he attempts to go straight after being released early from a lengthy prison sentence. His efforts aren't entirely successful, in part because the old story of needing capital in order to build a better life and wanting it sooner rather than later attracts him. The quickest way to get the cash is to return to the streets on which he made his name.
His struggle is compounded by his lingering reputation and the people around him spiralling into dangerous waters, threatening to drag him down with them. One of whom is Sean Penn, acting his socks off as a lawyer on the edge.
I don’t completely agree with people who say it’s just another Scarface (1983), but it’s certainly similar in many ways and if you enjoy one then you’ll more than likely enjoy the other.

4½ walks on the wild side of memory lane out of 5

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Twenty minutes into SMB I was thinking that critics had been overly harsh in their condemnation of it. Yes, it was really bad, but it wasn't train-wreck bad. Approximately two minutes after that thought occurred the train arrived.

The Mario brothers, who live together but appear to have just one bedroom with a double bed, use their plumbing skills to save a world held in the tyrannical grip of Dennis Hopper, who was evidently in need of cash.
Samantha Mathis lends support; she's pretty and somehow doesn't embarrass herself as much as every male member of the cast manages to do.

Besides names and the occasional prop the world has almost no resemblance to the game world that it purports to be based on.

Bundle it with Spawn (1997) and Double Dragon (1994) and gift the trio to someone you hate for their birthday; they'll get the message.

1 fungal scrotum out of 5

Casualties of War (1989)

To paraphrase an unknown source, I don’t know much about war films but I know what I like. CoW is high on the list of likes.
Michael J. Fox plays a G.I. with a conscience, uncomfortable witnessing his fellow soldiers act like a law unto themselves when far from base camp. They see VC in every foreign face, terrorising the people they’re supposed to be protecting. Tensions are high, fuelled by anger, stress and the overpowering nature of the environment. Once the human evil gets underway it becomes a harrowing journey that won’t quickly be forgotten.
Amazingly, it was the only film that actress Thuy Thu Le ever made. She’s so terrifyingly convincing that you’d think her a long-time professional.

4½ non-standard practices out of 5

JOHN WICK [2014]

The Matrix's Neo stunt double & martial arts coordinator Chad Stahelski makes his directorial debut reuniting with Keanu Reeves on the ridiculously violent revenge flick, John Wick.
Reeves plays a dude who sets out to extract nasty vengeance on the people that killed the dog that his recently deceased wife gave him as a parting gift.  Stahelski creates a pulpy world that's looks like it would be Rian Johnson's version of an Asia Extreme flick...and it acts like one too.  It's carefully planned out hand-to-hand fight sequences are beautifully shot and edited you almost don't notice how senseless the heaps of violence actually is.  With it's gaggle of supporting actors that play like a who's who of violent b-movies of the past 30 years, the film has it's audience already set in but won't find anyone looking for intelligent substance or afterthoughts.  It's a gorgeous looking guilty pleasure with very limited redeeming qualities and that's okay with me.

3 Boogeymen out of 5

CHEF [2014]

Actor/director Jon Favreau steps away from the big budget SFX spectacles for awhile to put together a friendly little comedy called Chef.
Favreau plays a acclaimed chef who steps down from the bigtime to work in a much smaller food-truck, mirroring the director's step down from huge studio fiascos and into a quiet indie film.  It seems to have a pretty good idea what it's like dread the food critic's review and how juggling any sort of a life outside of the kitchen is next to impossible and that's part of the allure.  It isn't breaking any new ground or constantly trying to develop itself but is lucky to have some sharp dialogue, well-timed humor and enough harmless charm to make the whole family feel good (that's if Granny is hip to the number of F-bombs that are dropped).
In short, it's simply comfort food on film.  

3 shitty bosses out of 5

Spawn (1997)

Because it's a B-Movie we make certain allowances in all but the story, but even after doing that it's still a ragged bag of shit.
Many of the events in Al's life are taken directly from the comic book; that means we needed the clown to be there, but we didn't need him to be that irritating. Fuck that guy.
The FX budget appears to have been blown on realising the Violator and Spawn's red cloak, leaving just a few dollars (after a crew whip-round?) to create Malebolgia and the entirety of Hell. Not good. It's rare that I give a damn about franchise reboots, but in this instance I'd welcome one.

1 bed in the alley out of 5

KICK-ASS 2 [2013]

For the sequel to Matt Vaughan's highly entertaining, hyper-violent comic book film Kick-Ass, Jeff Wadlow steps into the director's chair.
It's a little darker, bloodier and deals with some fairly serious subject matter but still manages to toss in some out of place one-liners and juvenile crudeness that will surely please the youthful minded.  I love the idea of these losers in life joining together to form a Justice League of their own only to be rivalled by a team of super villains who turn to be quite deadly.  It doesn't have the same shock-factor as the original did, so they wisely don't try to recreate that and instead opt for some interesting background to the Hit-Girl character, while Kick-Ass himself is left to wander around aimlessly.  Not as fun as the original but will probably please it's league of off-kilter fans.

3 sleepy shark tanks out of 5

Spun (2002)

A drug culture movie that squanders a large part of its potential in trying to be edgy and off-kilter. A little restraint in the editing dept and more faith in the actors, all of whom seem very at home in their role, would've helped Spun feel less like an attempt to mimic Aronofsky.
Beneath the noise the spiralling narrative and the sharp cuts are some quiet moments that feel like a respectful nod to Linklater. It's during those scenes that the film has more to say than at any other time.

3 days speeding out of 5

VANISHING ON 7TH STREET [2010]

Director Brad Anderson has some great films (Session 9, The Machinist) and TV shows (Fringe, The Killing) on his resume, so I thought the terribly received Vanishing On 7th Street might have some redeeming qualities.

It's got a incredibly creepy atmosphere and packs in some great scares as well.  Although it might have benefited from an extra 15 minutes at the beginning to flesh out the characters a bit more and maybe an explanation of what exactly happened.  It's a interesting concept but somehow feels like it was a rushed production which hurts the finished product quite a bit.

3 new world orders out of 5

Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)

Jean-François Richet’s remake of John Carpenter’s version (1976) of Howard Hawks' Rio Bravo (1959) adds more guns in the hope that it’ll be enough to distract you from the fact that they removed the point of the previous entry entirely.
Ethan Hawke said it was the best action script he’d ever read; I think he needs a new agent. Without Laurence Fishburne I’d have tossed the shit-fest out the window long before the end.

1½ hours I wasted on this crap out of 5

THE HAPPENING [2008]

M. Night Shyamalan's crafted some well-made B-movies since The Sixth Sense but it wasn't until The Happening that the "joke" wore off.

The viewer is assaulted with bad acting, writing, direction and so many bad bumps and flaws in the pacing it's embarrassing.  It might have greatly benefited from not being so quick to reveal itself and an ensemble cast to give it more of a "bad disaster" flick but instead we're only left to give a rat's ass about Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel.   Fuck that.  They're about as fun as watching a tree grow and do scary tree stuff....whic really isn't that scary.

1 watch out for that plant! out of 5

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

A nauseating clusterfuck of styles that steals from everywhere and is occasionally innovative. It has some very irritating editing that made me want to stab my own eyes. Like the rest of Baz's work it's much too ham-fisted to be watched often.

1½ style over substance out of 5