Ballerina (2025)

AKA: From the World of John Wick: Ballerina

Ana de Armas portrays Eve Macarro, a Ruska Roma avenging the murder of her father in this spin-off to the John Wick franchise, taking place alongside and adjacent to the events of Parabellum. Eve is slight but proves to be formidable and fully capable of handling this action franchise, and this film is just as dumb and relentless as its male-centric counterpart. Basically does all the things the other movies do well, except she's a girl. Featuring appearances from series staples such as Keanu Reeves and Ian McShane, as well as Lance Reddick's final on-screen role as the wonderful concierge of the Continental, Charon.

3 fire fights out of 5

John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)

The concluding chapter of the John Wick saga (or is it?), though the door seems open to return in the future. Donnie Yen joins the cast as the blind assassin who proves to be the biggest thorn in Wick's side. Let's just say the charm of these films is beginning to wear thin and they chose the right time to close out the chapter, but they manage to do so in magnanimous fashion.

Similar to the Mission: Impossible series, these movies continue to grow and grow. This one is just shy of 3 hours. A 3-hour action flick is really hard to pull off well because you somehow have to engage and sustain interest even though the plot remains skin deep. One of the best scenes comes in the third hour, in the form of a top-down isometric video game angle, but that's only one example. There is a lot of skill involved behind the camera and that's what manages to push it from a mediocre concept into a great magic trick. Most importantly, Keanu looks cool as fuck doing it, and that's all it boils down to in the end. Tom Cruise and Keanu Reeves appear to be the last of the Hollywood superstars who still do their own stunts, and both franchises go out on top.

3½ flights of stairs out of 5

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)

Picking up sheer moments after Chapter 2's thrilling cliffhanger, the Baba Yaga essentially prepares to wage war against the world. The first 20 minutes or so stand head and shoulders above anything else in the franchise and I almost wish it could have sustained that breakneck intensity throughout. A lot of it is ridiculousness in service of abiding by "rules" that are set in place by invisible forces. What you're signing up for here is impressively choreographed gun fu sequences with lots of neon colors, pulsing tunes and a shitload of violence, and it delivers as advertised. It's shallow, mindless action, but it looks good doing it. Lest we not forget, this is a series that all began with the murder of a puppy, and there are still loose ends to tie up. It's kind of funny to think that all of these movies take place within a week.

3½ markers out of 5

Hellboy (2019)

Guillermo del Toro wasn't allowed to complete the final entry of his trilogy, and Ron Perlman refused to return without his involvement, so a decade later we were treated to a hard reboot of the comic book franchise. This time they opt for an R-rating with lots of blood and guts, but it's the overreliance on CGI which hurts the most. David Harbour turns in a decent characterization as Big Red, though he can't match up to the wry heights that Perlman brought to the series. Its main flaw is being directly compared to del Toro's previous adaptation, of which it pales in comparison. It's technically competent, but mostly forgettable, due to the fact that there is too much going on and they tried to cram it all into a bloated 2-hour runtime. However, it's a big-budget action-horror extravaganza, so depending on your appetite for the genre, you might get your money's worth.

2 Excaliburs out of 5

Dick Francis Mysteries: Twice Shy (1989)

The last of three TV Movies starring Ian McShane to be based on Dick Francis novels has the star investigating the death of a family friend, an experienced climber who hit rock bottom (literally) while climbing in Ireland. In addition to climbing, the victim was a systems analyst, which also plays into the plot.
It's yet more of the same, McShane's character collects useful information, takes some risks, and finds time for a passing romance. Patrick Macnee is back, too, but has even less to do than he did in the first film. It's all serviceable stuff, certainly not as dreadful as its immediate predecessor. However, the villains' forced civilised shtick does get a little irritating from time to time.

2½ meal times out of 5

Dick Francis Mysteries: In the Frame (1989)

The second of three TV Movies starring Ian McShane that are based on Dick Francis novels, all of which are works that I haven't read. Wiki mentions that McShane's character, David Cleveland, a consultant with the British Jockey club, wasn't a part of the original story, so clearly things were changed for the adaptation. I hope for Mr Francis' sake that the clichéd and dull dialogue is one such thing, becuase if the bulk of the film's screenplay is an indication of what to expect in the original author's works, I'll never want to read them.
The mystery this time revolves around rich twats with expensive tastes, wine and paintings. Cleveland hops from Canada to Germany in pursuit of the truth.

2 painted mares out of 5

Dick Francis Mysteries: Blood Sport (1989)

The first of three TV Movies starring Ian McShane that are based on Dick Francis novels, which I haven't read. My interest was McShane, who plays a skilled racetrack security man named David Cleveland, in Kent, England.
It co-stars Patrick Macnee as Cleveland's employer, at whose behest the star attempts to solve the mystery of a stolen racehorse worth six million dollars.
It's standard Sunday evening TV Movie stuff that, besides one instance of miraculous VHS tech, is a case that involves old-fashioned leg work, which, in contrast to the modern era's tech-obsessed detectives, is a simple joy.

2½ sardines out of 5

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2 [2017]

After a lengthy string of box office bombs and critical failures actor Keanu Reeves finally reached back to the top with 2014's wildly entertaining hyper-violent revenge flick John Wick.  So naturally he and director Chad Stahelski would return for a second round of inexcusable violence.
Wick travels the world after a bounty is put on his head, where he finds himself wearing plenty of stylish clothes, indulges in extravagant fight sequences & slick music, reunites with Laurence Fishburne and finds guns.  Lots of guns.
This time around the film knows how ridiculous it is and adds in plenty of dark humor to lighten the mood a little more but it also manages to flesh out the alternate reality that it's set in, making for a very intriguing set-up for the inevitable concluding chapter.  The Wick films are some of the best pieces of cinematic pulp fiction audiences have seen in a long time and it seems everyone involved enthusiastically knows it.

3 awkward subway rides out of 5

JOHN WICK [2014]

The Matrix's Neo stunt double & martial arts coordinator Chad Stahelski makes his directorial debut reuniting with Keanu Reeves on the ridiculously violent revenge flick, John Wick.
Reeves plays a dude who sets out to extract nasty vengeance on the people that killed the dog that his recently deceased wife gave him as a parting gift.  Stahelski creates a pulpy world that's looks like it would be Rian Johnson's version of an Asia Extreme flick...and it acts like one too.  It's carefully planned out hand-to-hand fight sequences are beautifully shot and edited you almost don't notice how senseless the heaps of violence actually is.  With it's gaggle of supporting actors that play like a who's who of violent b-movies of the past 30 years, the film has it's audience already set in but won't find anyone looking for intelligent substance or afterthoughts.  It's a gorgeous looking guilty pleasure with very limited redeeming qualities and that's okay with me.

3 Boogeymen out of 5

HERCULES [2014]

If the idea of Brett Ratner directing The Rock with a dead cat on his head appeals to you then Hercules is definitely for you.  If not, then you should know to steer clear because it makes no attempt to hide that is means to be nothing more than a guilty pleasure.
Instead of shaping him up to be the near-invincible super human that he is in the usual stories, Hercules is a mere mortal with the powerful charisma to lead armies and charm the pants off you.  Dwayne Johnson was born to play this role with his camera-friendly looks and personality, as he never takes himself too seriously.  Like Stephen Sommers' Mummy films, the pacing of this consciously hokey film is lighting quick with it's enjoyable action sequences, dazzling special effects, entertaining supporting cast and perfectly timed humor.

3 headed dogs out of 5

DEATH RACE [2008]

Paul W.S. Anderson serves up a ladle of vehicular carnage crap with a prequel to the Roger Corman cult classic Death Race 2000.
Taking itself way too seriously and void of any sort of campy wit, Anderson's flick seems to completely miss what made the original film such a great guilty pleasure.  Instead it's nothing more than a headache inducing bore that resorts to uninspired juvenile video-game violence and characters so dull it makes Bayformers seem appetizing.

1 tombstone out of 5

SEXY BEAST [2000]

Director Jonathan Glazer's feature length debut comes in the form of Sexy Beast, a profanity riddled crime drama where you know graphic violence is going to erupt at any given moment.
It follows the story of a retired thief who is bullied into doing one last job by a frightening gangster that won't take no as an answer.
The first half of this surprisingly short film is actually quite intriguing, mostly due to Ben Kingsley's absolutely phenomenal performance, that's executed with graceful viciousness and intimidating hilarity.  However the intrigue completely deflates in the second half as it falls into complete predictability and tries way to hard to set itself up as a run-of-the-mill crime drama reeking of Guy Richie.

3 heart-breaking boulders out of 5

HOT ROD [2007]

Inane comedies like director Akiva Schaffer's Andy Samberg vehicle Hot Rod are meant to be watched with your brain checked at the door.
Because it's written, directed & starring all three members of comedic musical act The Lonely Island it should give you an idea as to what sort of film you're getting yourself into.  It's not particularly smart, memorable or well-done but it supplies enough chuckles and guffaws to make it enjoyable enough.

2 Queens Of The Stone Age out of 5

CORALINE [2009]

Acclaimed stop-motion director Henry Selick brings Neil Gaiman's dark fantasy children's novel Coraline to the big screen with flourishing passion.
Beautifully designed sets & characters and wonderfully set up shots keep the eyes in complete awe as we're whisked away into a twisted Narnia In Wonderland sort of world.  Unfortunately the dull voice acting, flat dialogue and boring characters make for a rather long journey at times.  The character of Coraline is a bratty little bint, so it makes it hard to care what happens to her or anything that surrounds her life.  It pains me to say this as I am a huge fan of both Gaiman and Selick's work and was eagerly anticipating this film but in the end it feels like a bit of a misfire that needed a bit more work on the script to truly give it the heart the story deserves.

3 boring Mark Ryden paintings out of 5

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER [2013]

Director Bryan Singer's Jack The Giant Slayer is an uneven fairy tale adventure film that borrows elements from Jack & The Beanstalk and Jack The Giant Killer then glazes it over with hokey CGI effects.
The performances are enthusiastically overacted with great effect and the special effects are artificial in such a way that benefits the fairy tale aspects of the story but it's all dragged down by a terribly boring yawn-worthy script that seemed to have no idea what it wanted to focus on.  It lacks personality, wit or charm and hurts everything in the worst of ways.  With a good script doctor, Jack could have been a silly wild ride with no regrets, instead it sputters and grasps for fresh air.

2 pigs-in-a-blanket out of 5

SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMEN [2012]

Director Rupert Sanders' Snow White & The Huntsmen takes the dark overtones of the original fariytale and enthusiastically runs with it.

The idea has potential to be quite a startling piece of cinema, nodding it's head to Guillemero Del Toro and Ridley Scott, but doesn't quite reach that height.  Riddled with some uneven acting, a mess of a plot and forced moments that seem it's trying to hard to be different from previous incarnations of the tale.  Strengthened by strong female roles, (particularly Charlize's slightly over-the-top performance) and some glimpses of great imagination, Snow White's world could have been wonderful and begs to be further explored.

3 wood trolls out of 5

The Golden Compass (2007)

I thought the book that GC was based on was highly overrated; the film isn't any better. It’s a colourful mess that oozes money but lacks soul. It feels rushed and unloved. The awful set-up for the sequels that never came is embarrassingly unabashed. Dakota Blue Richards impresses as Lyra, but the character is, like the world she inhabits, much too underdeveloped for us to connect with. The danger level stutters along at a weary pace, never reaching a level where we begin to doubt that the good guys will win. It’s a children’s adventure story so perhaps the very young, the real target audience, will be more forgiving than I am.

2 bears with no hangover sore head out of 5

Babylon 5: The River of Souls (1998)

RoS takes place in 2263, which puts it sometime after the series end, meaning Capt. Elizabeth Lochley (Tracy Scoggins) is officially in charge. Of the three films that were packaged together (Thirdspace + RoS + A Call to Arms) it’s the one that most feels like it deserved the extra time.
The mysterious Soul Hunters introduced in Season One are back and piss everyone off yet again. They claim to have legitimate ownership of something that doesn't go uncontested.
Straczynski is an atheist, but he likes to write religious and philosophical themes, and he does it without getting preachy. They tend to be more akin to thoughtful explorations, not sermons or guilt trips, that give a viewer food for thought. River of Souls is a good example of that.

3½ shelved whispers out of 5

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN : ON STRANGER TIDES [2011]

Rob Marshall slides into the director's chair with ease for the 4th installment of the tremendously popular "Pirates" franchise.

Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush return to their respective roles but seem to have lost the enthusiasm and the twinkle in their eyes with these characters. Ian McShane's talents are wasted on what could have easily been a deliciously, campy villain role. Penelope Cruz is boring as always.

The movie meanders along with about 30 minutes which could have easily been cut without sacrificing any plot or character elements.

In the end, Pirates 4 is uninspired, pointless and overbloated with a load of hot air and lack of substance.

1 Ship In A Bottle out of 5