THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS [2017]

Director F. Gary Gray's The Fate of the Furious, the eighth film in the F&F franchise, shows no sign of the series wrapping up.
This time around Diesel's Dom has turned to the dark side forcing The Rock & The Stath to put their differences aside and work together to bring him down, while evading the walls of a prison, an army of cars and a nuclear submarine.
The film doesn't resemble anything that original films set out to do but that's alright because it's so god-damned fun.  There's plenty of laughs, both intentional and unintentional, jammed in-between the carnage-fueled action sequences.  Surpassing Jurassic Park and even Star Wars at the box office means there's no end in sight for the series but that's all right because the film's stars still seem to be having just as much as it's long-time fans are.

3½ hakas out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN [2009]

Michael Bay dishes out the "bifs, bams and booms" something fierce for Revenge of the Fallen, the second installment of the seemingly never-ending live action Transformers film series.
Shia LaBeouf is unwillingly dragged back into the war between the Autobots and Decepticons when he starts having visions of ancient symbols connected the rise of an centuries old foe known only as The Fallen.
It's an overly simple story that might have made an entertaining two-part animated cartoon but dragging it out for nearly 2½ hours without any thought-provoking substance is unbearable.  You know the film isn't worth your time when even Michael Bay has gone on record calling it "crap".  The highlights are the hard-to-follow CGI action sequences, insanely cool sound effects and impressive filming locations.

1 enemy scrotum out of 5

TRANSFORMERS [2007]

Huge explosions director Michael Bay aims for the hearts of 12-year old boys everywhere with the big-screen live-action adaptation of beloved '80's Hasbro toy line Transformers.
In the first installment of the film series, Earth becomes the battlefront for two giant robotic races known as the Autobots and the Decepticons.
There's a decently thematic Spielbergian story here that gets trampled all over with Bay's love of the military, juvenile bullyish jokes and shiny things that go boom.  There's supposed to be a lot of emotion in this story but it's hard to feel anything when clearly Bay knows how to speak better from his fists than from his heart.  Still keeping it somewhat simple, compared to the stupidly cluttered films that come after it, this one manages to muster up some mindless excitement and wide-eyed special effects thrills that scrapes the bottom of the guilty pleasures barrel.

2½ spectacles out of 5

FURIOUS 7 [2015]

Horror movie director James Wan makes his first step into jaw-dropping actions films with the latest instalment of The Fast & The Furious franchise,  the tritely-titled Furious 7.
Dom, O'Connor & the rest of the family are back for, yet again, one last job, this time hilariously saving the world from Owen Shaw's nastier older brother.  Like it's predecessors, it lacks in brains, depth or a whole lot of thought-provoking substance but excels in ridiculous, but cheer-worthy action sequences, a sincere heart and an entertaining multicultural cast.  With Paul Walker's death looming over the film, it doesn't let up on the fun as the absurd action kicks into high-gear within seconds of the opening titles.  It's a surprisingly tasteful way to bid farewell to Walker's character, but, as of writing this, the film has passed the $1 billion mark at the box office which guarantees future rides from Diesel and the gang.

3½ Tokyo drifts out of 5

DEATH RACE [2008]

Paul W.S. Anderson serves up a ladle of vehicular carnage crap with a prequel to the Roger Corman cult classic Death Race 2000.
Taking itself way too seriously and void of any sort of campy wit, Anderson's flick seems to completely miss what made the original film such a great guilty pleasure.  Instead it's nothing more than a headache inducing bore that resorts to uninspired juvenile video-game violence and characters so dull it makes Bayformers seem appetizing.

1 tombstone out of 5

FAST & FURIOUS 6 [2013]

Director Justin Lin's 6th and final film in The Fast & The Furious franchise takes the family out of the exotic locations of before and lands them in the gritty land of England and tea & scones.
Sure, it's short on brains, character development and much of a storyline but that's not really what fans are here for.  It delivers by the meat-headed truckloads with vehicular carnage, bloody hand-to-hand combat, silly but good natured humor, insanely choreographed action sequences that go way over the top and...well...a tank.
With Lin stepping down and Insidious director James Wan stepping in for the next film, I can't wait, seeing as the post credits scene made me wet my pants with fanboy anticipation.

3 F&F family doppelgangers out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON [2011]

I walked out of the theater at the hour and fifteen minute mark of this shitfest. So I figured if budarc could sit through Priest twice then I could sit through this beginning to end.
I'm not sorry I missed the remainder of the movie, however I would have liked to have seen the final hour in IMAX 3D, with the exception of the final showdown which is a HUGE letdown. Giant robots fight. Things go boom in slow-motion. Plenty of ass shots...and that's just Shia's face. Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley gets plenty of exploitive shots as well.
As a CGI effect and sound effects film this is a work of art...for story, acting, direction and anything else is a steaming pile of shit.

1 "Missed It By That Much" out of 5

FAST FIVE [2011]

Playing like a who's who of the Fast & Furious franchise, Fast Five brings nearly all the past characters together for a royal rumble, like a grungy Ocean's 11.
Sure, it's filled with cliches and predictable plot points but it's just so damned rough and loud you don't care. Hell, Vin Diesel and The Rock trade punches like it's nobody's business.  They really toned down on the bad hip-hop music and the pointless 'tits & ass' shots to focus more on the outrageous action.
If this is this was the grand finale, then I'd be happy. It's not though....watch for an extra scene after the credits, for an insanely SILLY "jaw-dropper" setting up for another sequel.

3½ Mobile Bank Vaults out of 5

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS [2003]

First of many sequels in the mind-numbing "Fast & Furious" franchise.

Paul Walker returns, this time with Tyrese Gibson who putters along with absolutely none of the charisma Vin Diesel brought to the first film.

Eve Mendes, Common, Devon Aoki and an achingly boring villain played by Cole Hauser round out the rest of the lifeless cast.

There's bad movies that are still fun to watch for the entertaining performances, humor or extravagant action sequences (Bad Boys is a perfect example). This has none of those.

Skip this one.

1 Nap Time out of 5