Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Don't you hate when a film series randomly changes to Roman numerals?

After time-travel portal hopping, it's a bit of tonal whiplash to go back to a straight S&S film. The cheap television budget removes the rest of its charm. Marc Singer still looks great in the role (he hasn't worn a shirt in three movies), but it's hilarious to me that his right-hand companion Ruh has turned from a black panther to a Bengal tiger to now a fully-fledged lion. Continuity has never been this franchise's strong point, but that's the least of its issues.

This made-for-TV movie marked the end of the film series proper, though it continued on the small screen for three seasons as a syndicated TV series.

1 Shroud of Agony out of 5

Final Destination: Bloodlines (2025)

AKA: Final Destination 6

Well, my premonition was wrong. A soft reboot/reimagining that eschews a bit with the traditional formula, in favor of a longstanding family mystery, while paying off some ideas that have been percolating since the first movie. In the end, it's pretty grim and cynical, but par for the course with this series.

Tony Todd reprises his role for the last time, as Death finally came for him too.

3 bad pennies out of 5

Final Destination 3 (2006)

The key to this franchise's longevity and success is preying on fundamental fears that remain out of our control. Planes, car crashes, roller coasters going off the rails. The best parts of these movies are always in the first 20 minutes; then it all goes downhill from there.

2 tanning beds out of 5

Final Destination 2 (2003)

The setup is simple. People begin dying in mysterious ways after cheating death when one experiences a premonition that comes true. But fate catches up to them one way or another. This time, the survivors are mostly cognizant of what is going on since they're aware of the events of the previous incident. It's basically a game of "guess how they're going to die." 3 out of 4 times, you won't. The fun comes from seeing your expectations get subverted by weird and freaky mishaps. It's maybe a step down from torture porn, but it's fun in a fucked up sort of way.

2½ pigeons! out of 5

Stream (2024)

It's always charming watching a shitty low-budget slasher film on the big screen (a one-night only event!). As an old school horror fan, I found it enjoyable for the B-list cameos alone. 

From the producers of the Terrifier series comes this schlockfest about residents of a hotel under attack, all the while being livestreamed out to the world (think Hostel). Jeffrey Combs is always a manic delight, although it looks like he's slowly transforming into Ed Wood or John Waters at this point. The kills in this movie are gory and tongue-in-cheek (playing Tic-Tac-Toe on a dude's torso was a highlight). Also, nothing makes me happier than seeing gratuitous nudity in a movie theater! So it worked for me on a certain level, though I'm fairly sure I enjoyed it 100% more than I would have streaming it at home.

2 split-screens out of 5

Criminal Justice (1990)

A slow-burning TV drama about a father with priors (Forest Whitaker) accused of assaulting a Brooklyn prostitute (Rosie Perez) who was someplace she ought not to have been, doing something that would land her behind bars for the night. The viewer doesn't see the woman's assailant, so it comes down to her world against his, and only one of them puts any value in truth.
The story would hold its own ordinarily, but the passion and believability of both Whitaker and Perez take it to another level. It shows both sides of the argument, as the months roll by. But more than that it examines the justice system itself. Presented as something that isn't just broken, it never functioned to begin with, as anything other than a self-serving entity that prioritises saving time and money over the thing for which it was named.

3½ burdens of proof out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Redemption (1991)

Note: you'll lack crucial backstory for Redemption if you've not seen a few previous episodes; i.e. Reunion and Yesterday's Enterprise (Season 4).
Marking the show's 100th episode, the story sees Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) travel to Qo'noS to oversee the installation of Gowron (Robert O'Reilly) as High Council leader, but the ceremony doesn't go unchallenged. You'll hear numerous speeches about honour and treachery, often from people who have little of the former and practice the latter. But Worf (Michael Dorn) is pretty dependable, and by that I mean also that he can be depended upon to be headstrong in his unintentional narrow-mindedness, before stepping outside himself just in time to see the bigger picture, usually after having a candid chat with someone whom he either respects or hates.

3 friendly headbutts out of 5

The Rock (1996)

With hand on heart and no trace of facetiousness, I don't understand why Michael Bay's ham-fisted, cookie-cutter brand of bullshit action movie is so popular with moviegoers. With regards The Rock, the most convincing thing in it is Sean Connery. Nic Cage, on the other hand, is unconvincing even when his character is called upon to be unconvincing, if you get what I mean. Ed Harris' character gets one scene where he's not a B+W angry bad guy - the film cuts back to him every now and again to remind us that he's an actual part of it. The plot, something about toxic green balls (I shit you not), is a blundering mess.
Why it's released on the Criterion label is yet another mystery.

2 green flares out of 5

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN [2009]

Michael Bay dishes out the "bifs, bams and booms" something fierce for Revenge of the Fallen, the second installment of the seemingly never-ending live action Transformers film series.
Shia LaBeouf is unwillingly dragged back into the war between the Autobots and Decepticons when he starts having visions of ancient symbols connected the rise of an centuries old foe known only as The Fallen.
It's an overly simple story that might have made an entertaining two-part animated cartoon but dragging it out for nearly 2½ hours without any thought-provoking substance is unbearable.  You know the film isn't worth your time when even Michael Bay has gone on record calling it "crap".  The highlights are the hard-to-follow CGI action sequences, insanely cool sound effects and impressive filming locations.

1 enemy scrotum out of 5

Candyman: Day of the Dead (1999)

A straight-to-video third outing for the supernatural Bee Wrangler that relies on the existing appeal of the character while simultaneously contradicting his origins. It'd be logical to assume that it's showing how stories can change over time, but there are reasons why that's evidently not the case.
Candyman wants a family reunion and he's killing anyone who stands in the way of his incestuous needs. Part of the foundation of the character's mythos—that he must be invoked or invited by his victim—is thrown out the window.
The female lead looks to have been pinched from a Baywatch casting couch without having been given lessons on how to scream believably.

1 busy bee out of 5

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

An unnecessary sequel to a film that had taken its plot as far as it could naturally go. The justification for its existence from a storytelling perspective seems to be that it offers an explanation for the use of a mirror in the summoning of Candyman and sheds illumination on his name.

The pompous prick from the first film returns. He's published a book on the subject and the events that occurred after Helen's digging. By doing so he not only keeps the Candyman myth alive but makes it more widespread.

Unfortunately, it commits one of the worst sins that a horror film can ever commit: it’s boring. Even the reused score cues fail to give some crucial scenes the special kind of aura they need to work.

2 witnesses out of 5

DIGGING UP THE MARROW [2014]

Writer/director Adam Green lets his horror-hound flag fly high with the wildly entertaining mockumentary Digging Up The Marrow.
Green plays himself (amongst a gaggle of other B-movie cult-horror icons) as he shoots a documentary about a crazy man (Ray Wise) who's begged him to make a film about the discovery of an underground place where the monsters live.  Wise is the only actor not playing himself and as always, he looks like he's having a humdinger of a good time being a nutjob resulting in just as much fun for the audience to watch.  The film ends up being pretty spirited with Green's enthusiasm for the subject matter (and Nightbreed) but unfortunately the script could have used A LOT of fine-tuning so it doesn't wander over the same tracks over and over again.

2½ Oderus Urungus' out of 5

HATCHET II [2010]

Up-and-coming Scream Queen Danielle Harris replaces Tamara Feldman as Marybeth in the second instalment of Adam Green's Hatchet series.
The film picks up exactly where the first film left off, as we see Marybeth and a gang of hunters track down the Bayou Buthcher with the intention of killing him...only we all know it doesn't quite work out that way.  It's even bloodier and sillier than the first film, causing it to get pulled by several theaters after a few days due to it's excessive gore.  It's horribly acted, awkwardly paced and just plain ridiculous although it just narrowly misses the mark of being one of those "so bad it's good" horror films.

2 still not a hatchet out of 5

HATCHET [2006]

For his first dip into the horror world, director Adam Green rounds up an ensemble cast that genre fans will all recognize in the campy slasher flick Hatchet.
Even though it might have several humorous bits it never really delivers with the scares and instead fancies itself an old school Jason Vorhees-esque bloodfest.  As a fan of trashy horror films I found a bit of enjoyment in it but can hardly recommend it to anyone looking for something remotely original or even memorable.

2 "wait a minute, that's not a hatchet...it's an axe" out of 5

The Crow (1994)

A gothic fantasy that endures not because of Brandon Lee's death, like some claim, but because of Brandon Lee's performance and director Alex Proyas' vision. Parts of it haven't aged well, but other parts have proved themselves to be almost timeless. The contrast between the emotional tearing of the primary hero/anti-hero with the unimaginative villains means it pendulums back and forth between serious drama and clichéd comic violence, but somehow Proyas keeps it on track. It has some weighty nostalgia for me because I loved it back in the day. I still can't tolerate Bai Ling, though.

3½ comedy/tragedy masks out of 5

NOTE. The Crow (2024) version is reviewed HERE.

Candyman (1992)

I'll forever hold a grudge against Candyman for not living up to my childhood memories of it. It's a well-made, well-acted movie with a few very good scenes, but as a whole, it's just not that effective. It has a solid start and an interesting premise, but the writers seem to lose the plot early on, and never explore the most compelling story elements.

Tony Todd is terrific, and succeeds at making The Candyman iconic even when the script fails him. If not for him and Virginia Madsen, I'm not sure anyone would even remember this one. If it had been a better movie, he'd be considered one of the all-time greats. Candyman fails on a lot of levels, but makes the grade in a number of other ways, and I think it's worth watching at least once.

3 would be better without the tacked on second ending out of 5.

THE MAN FROM EARTH [2007]

From the late Jerome Bixby, one of  the writers of the original Star Trek series, comes this fascinating story about a man who's lived for 14,000 years.

It's slow-paced, low budget and set all in one place, so don't expect any giant robot fights or any slo-mo boob shots here.  It challenges your beliefs, spirituality and will to keep an open-mind, which has led to some angry backlashes from the people this film's message was directed towards.

It's not for everybody but if you're in the mood for the thinking man's sci-fi then I'd safely recommend this.

3½ bottles of Johnnie Walker Green out of 5

Final Destination (2000)

Teen-movies have almost no value as films once you're out of your teens. Teen horror is the same. Screaming blondes that can only count to 5 because that’s how many fingers they have on one hand, or more likely how many dicks they sucked the night before in the barn, scream as they run and scream as they die! Final Destination is different; it’s a teen movie that kills off the irritating teens in happy joy-joy ways with almost no screaming. That's really its only appeal. The acting is bad. The editing is bad. The script is bad. The direction is bad. Even Tony Todd embarrassed himself.

1 hurry up and die in a ludicrous way or I'm hitting the stop button out of 5

Wishmaster (1997)

An evil Djinn is imprisoned for centuries within the jewel of an antique statue and accidentally released during its shipment overseas. I have fond memories of this one. The genie disguises himself as his victims (stealing faces a la Darkman) as he grants them wishes in exchange for their souls, with the ultimate goal of awakening Hell on earth. The fun comes in the way the Djinn turns people’s selfish and greedy wishes against them, to horrific effect.

3.5 horror cameos out of 5

Babylon 5: A Call to Arms (1999)

The Shadow War may have ended six long years ago but not all of the enemy's allies fled. Some of them lurk still in faraway places, like a bad smell in... er... space. (I know – please don’t write in.)

Galen the Technomage (Edward Woodward's son, why didn't that guy get more work?) with his father's strength rallies the necessary troops.

Boxleitner steals the show. He always does, but even more so this time. When taking the chair of the newly built ship he’s like a kid with a toy upgrade, and like all inquisitive kids he wants to throw it down the stairs to see if it holds up.

The film serves a dual purpose: to tell a B5 story and be a shameless set-up for Joe's next project, the ill-fated 13 episode B5 offshoot, Crusade (1999). It manages to do both of those things without offending the viewer.

3 echoes of the darkness out of 5