Ice Cream Man (1995)

Ahh, the sweet allure of the ice cream man. Nothing says nostalgia like a hot summer's day and that familiar jingle. Little do you know, he might be a serial killer working out of his truck who chops up small children and serves them up as ingredients in his special recipe. This one is an oldie but a crappy; a cheesy classic which I was never quite fond of, despite the presence of cult favorite Clint Howard at his most repugnant. It's very basic but has the charm of cheapy '90s direct-to-video nasties. It scratches an itch, but not a very deep one.

2 brain freezes out of 5

Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus (1996)

Don't you hate when a film series randomly changes to Roman numerals?

After time-travel portal hopping, it's a bit of tonal whiplash to go back to a straight S&S film. The cheap television budget removes the rest of its charm. Marc Singer still looks great in the role (he hasn't worn a shirt in three movies), but it's hilarious to me that his right-hand companion Ruh has turned from a black panther to a Bengal tiger to now a fully-fledged lion. Continuity has never been this franchise's strong point, but that's the least of its issues.

This made-for-TV movie marked the end of the film series proper, though it continued on the small screen for three seasons as a syndicated TV series.

1 Shroud of Agony out of 5

Star Trek: TNG: Chain of Command (1992)

When Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) is sent on a covert mission, Captain Edward Jellico (Ronny Cox) assumes command of the Enterprise D in his stead. Jellico is an ass-hole who quickly pisses off everyone, but unlike the poorly written Lt. Cmdr Shelby in TBoBW (1990) he's given additional characterisation to make him more than just another one-note tool in a writer's arsenal.
The story has a second, more traditional villain operating in a setting that was heavily inspired by George Orwell's seminal Nineteen Eighty-Four (1949) novel. It's a Cardassian named Gul Madred, played by David Warner. Warner had been in Trek twice before, as different characters, in ST V (1989) and ST VI (1991), but his role in TNG is arguably his most memorable; his scenes with an equally mesmerising Patrick Stewart are the primary reason that Chain of Command is a permanent fixture on many people's 'Best of TNG' lists.

4 lights out of 5

Sweeney Todd: The Director's Cut (2006)

With a screenplay by Joshua St Johnston, Dir. David Moore's telling is by far the best filmed Sweeney Todd story that I've personally seen, to date.
Ray Winstone plays the titular barber, resident in a London that's rife with poverty and squalor. A well-liked man, Todd's skills are regarded highly by a regular clientele. When not shaving chins he's a kind of backstreet surgeon saving lives. But when the urge to kill arises it's almost like an affliction taking hold, guiding his steadied, practised hand. By succumbing to it, he can fix the world and ease his philosophically troubled mind, albeit temporarily.
His complicated but sympathetic nature is further explored by his vying for the affections of Mrs Lovett (Essie Davis). Both Winstone and Davis bring something wonderfully rich and compelling to their respective roles.

4 pie fillings out of 5

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE [1991]

TV director Michael Pressman replaces Steve Barron for the sequel to 1990 mega-hit in the mind-numbingly silly The Secret Of The Ooze.
A rushed job to appease the studio and it's young fans it's filled with terrible humor, sloppy storytelling, plot-holes galore and plenty of catch-phrases that never actully caught on.  The film is notably a lot lighter in tone and holds back on the violence, compared to the original film that spent a lot of time in the shadows.  Hell, I don't even recall the turtles actually using their signature weapons more than once each here.  Having not enjoyed it all that much as a kid when it was first in theaters, I wasn't expecting much with an adult revisit.  I got exactly as I thought I would.  Put on two pairs of nostalgia glasses over the first pair to enjoy this one, kids.

1½ shitty excuses for Rocksteady & Bebop out of 5

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

While The Next Generation was kicking ass on TV, The Original Series returned to the big screen for one last hurrah. And it went out in style. From the dramatic opening to the bitter-sweet ending it rarely puts a booted-foot wrong. I don't understand why it often gets overlooked by so many people.
Thematically, the film is darker than Star Trek often dared to go. The optimism is still evident but it's bullied by heavy political issues, prejudices and ingrained racism, all of which are dissected and put under a microscope.
It's not all cold war parallels and gloom, though. Amid the many tensions are some light-hearted moments to remind us that the light of life needs all colours of the spectrum if it's to be fully enjoyed.

4 architects out of 5

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

It's new challenges time and a new ship for the old crew. There's a problem in the Neutral Zone (again) and only Captian Kirk can sort it out. Why only Kirk? Because he's William Shatner, of course. And he's now also the film's director.
The story touches on philosophical and theistic concerns; and by avoiding delving too deeply into either it adds food for thought without risking offending all but perhaps the most religiously-sensitive viewer. But, alas, as it goes on the cracks begin to show in the script and besides a few excellent character scenes, and some decent comedic moments, it lacks a crucial spark.
Budget cuts forced the planned earth-shaking finale to be abandoned. Far from being apocalyptic, it instead has the explosive power of a warm shart.

2½ secret pains out of 5

The Company of Wolves (1984)

A strange Gothic film that does visually what I imagine Hammer Studios could've eventually achieved had they evolved properly and not succumbed to desperate mimicry. It’s a surreal take on the Little Red Riding Hood story, even more full of symbolism and allegory.
The majority of it takes place within a nightmare/fever dream that mixes fairy tales, folklore and fear from the perspective of a young girl on the verge of womanhood. She’s repeatedly told by certain elders not to stray from the path (ie. keep your legs closed when the boys come calling), but like her mother says, the animal in man finds its equal in woman.
It’s marred by laughably bad acting, but the animatronics help offset that.

3 wolf tears out of 5

TRON (1982)

If you’re twelve, TRON is the best thing ever. It was visually mind-blowing in the 80s and despite the advances in technology since it still holds that same power today. Wendy Carlos’ music is great. The creativity and steps taken behind the scenes to make it unique earn it maximum respect.
Realistically, though, the protagonists are given just enough characterisation to prevent them from slipping into two-dimensionality and the plot is wafer-thin in the second half. But none of that matters, because every time I watch it part of me is still twelve. That's the power of TRON.

4 conscripts out of 5

The Omen (1976)

The film that single-handedly caused kids named Damien to get bullied at school, the Omen is a 1970’s suspense/horror film that relies on mood and pace to elicit an eerie sense of dread in the viewer. Gregory Peck is utterly believable as the Senator with an evil little shit for a son.
Throw in horror convention, a creepy nanny, a house that lacks life and a biblical poem and you have a classic that looks dated but still manages to shock and entertain. Goldsmith's score adds an extra layer of eerie.

4 kitchen utensils out of 5

Body Bags (1993)

An anthology of three horror shorts; two shot by John Carpenter and one by Tobe Hooper. Hooper's was so badly cast I couldn't get to the end of it; Mark Hamill (great as The Joker, and Majima Gorō, but sucks at everything else), Twiggy (utterly useless in everything ever) and Sheena Easton (don't even start me on her) fail at everything asked of them. The only notable actor is David Warner.
Introduced by Carpenter, with cameos from some genre greats including Wes Craven, Sam Raimi and Roger Corman it’ll pass an hour and a half of your life without making you want to kill all involved; or if you're like me, about 70 minutes of your life before the square button comes into play.

2 necrofiling cabinets and comb over fails out of 5

In the Mouth of Madness (1994)

Pulp horror writer Sutter Cane has disappeared, and his readers are slowly going ape-shit; John Trent (Sam Neill) is drafted in to find an answer. His search leads him to a place called Hobb's End, a place that shouldn't exist.
Carpenter's most fantastical film is a blast of pure entertainment from start to finish. It’s the bastard child of a Lovecraft demon and a Stephen King protagonist running naked through film conventions in a loving homage wed to an astute parody of the horror genre as a whole. Sam Neill is fantastic, as always. My only criticism is that it should've been longer.

4 lucky shots to the balls out of 5

The Man with Two Brains (1983)

This hilarious parody of mad scientist movies stars Steve Martin as a renowned brain surgeon and Kathleen Turner as his lying, cheating gold-digger scum queen wife. As his wife cons and plots his early demise, he begins having an intellectual affair with a disembodied brain in a jar, when he comes across the notion to transplant the brain into his wife’s body. Features plenty of gags that will leave fans of The Jerk in stitches.

4 boners that cut glass out of 5