Jay Kelly (2025)

Clooney plays a successful actor (wink wink) going through an existential crisis, who takes an impromptu trip to Europe, while his entourage follows him wherever he goes. It's a very "inside baseball" look at the entertainment industry, occasionally meandering and self-indulgent, but performances are strong and it's easy to get caught up in the glitz. It didn't quite work its magic on me, but it's a solid effort and an examination of a life lived good enough.

3 slices of cheesecake out of 5

Nice Dreams (1981)

AKA: Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams

Cheech & Chong now own their own ice cream vendor business, as a front for selling marijuana. This flimsy plot acts as an excuse to tie together scenes involving doing lines at a restaurant, getting locked away in a sanatorium, and a really fun sequence involving a threesome at a hotel, which remains the most memorable part of this movie. Besides the raunchy humor, there is an old fashioned appeal to this duo that dates all the way back to the tradition of Laurel & Hardy and Abbott & Costello. There's no denying these movies are really dumb, but there's an irresistible charm that makes it difficult to dismiss.

Also features brilliant lines such as this:

"Will you forget about titties? We've got a bust to think about!"

2½ helicopters circling a nude beach out of 5

Up in Smoke (1978)

AKA: Cheech & Chong's Up in Smoke

The first of the big screen adventures of Cheech & Chong follows the hilarious antics of two drug-obsessed young hombres, Pedro and Man. While the plot is scattershot, it's kind of irrelevant when you've got chemistry off the charts like this. You have to be attuned to a particular kind of lowbrow humor to fully appreciate it; being a doper is not required (though I'm sure it probably helps). As someone who has never smoked a day in his life, I find this shit hilarious. 

Arising from the hippie and drug counterculture movements of the '60s and '70s, it effectively established the stoner buddy comedy genre, inspiring the likes of Bill & Ted, Jay & Silent Bob, Harold & Kumar and other dopey duos.

3 weed trucks out of 5

The Mountain of the Cannibal God (1978)

aka Slave of the Cannibal God

Sergio Martino delves deep into the jungle and takes a crack at the once burgeoning cannibal genre. On the search for her lost husband, the beautiful Ursula Andress enlists the help of a seasoned guide (Stacy Keach). Her allure seems to mesmerize not only the primitive natives but nearly every man in the film. It's not as repulsive as later entries like Cannibal Holocaust (1980) and Cannibal Ferox (1981), but it still manages to disgust with scenes of savagery and human peril. While the moments of wildlife in combat peppered throughout fail to progress the story, they add a touch of realism to the exotic setting. Martino never truly delivers on the explicitness promised in the title, yet nevertheless manages to produce a harrowing adventure film.

3 pig lovers out of 5

The Ninth Configuration (1980)

An abandoned castle is the setting for William Peter Blatty's odd film. Within its walls are a group of Vietnam War-era U.S. soldiers that have been classified as crazy. A new psychiatrist arrives, tasked with finding out if they really are as mad as they appear to be and, if so, to do his best to help them.
The shrink is Stacy Keach and he's amazing in the role, the best I've ever seen him, infinitely more intriguing than many of the colourful patients.
Initially I disliked the film, but the occasional Vonnegut-esque moments kept me seated. Over time I grew more comfortable with the feverish feeling.
A pivotal scene (aprrox 45 mins into the 118 mins vers.) changed everything, thereafter a thematically darker and more theologically complex shadow was cast over all things. I believe a viewer's understanding of the second half will depend greatly on their interpretation of one particular spoken word in said scene, but the differing conclusions that result from it are equally powerful.

3½ second-hand recurrences out of 5

Cell (2016)

Based on Stephen King's novel, the story marries the popular zombie genre with society's necessity for cell phones. The thrilling opening succeeds in clutching your attention despite some overacting extras and poor green screen work. The duo of John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson are one of the film's only bright spots. Their acting is genuinely engaging. Unfortunately the plot, dialogue and proceeding events are all beyond belief. Silly exposition waxing on human evolution and apocalyptic theories mar the film considerably. The zombies or phoners' (as they are referred to in the film) odd behavior inspire more laughs than scares. Obvious adaptation issues attribute to a rushed pacing and irresolute conclusion. 

1½ flocks out of 5

Class of 1999 (1990)

Mark L. Lester returned to campus for a spiritual sequel to his Class of 1984 (1982) film, but second time out he went sci-fi.
A Seattle high school secretly installs three military surplus battle droids as tutors with directives that enable them to dish out disciplinary measures on the spot like a less law abiding Robocop. It's a reversal of sorts from 1984; before it was the students who were to be feared, now it's the teachers.
A youth named Cody Culp, a typical young adult anti-hero, steps up to the mark, but Cody's past makes rallying the troops difficult.
The film's more ambitious than '84 and had a budget that wasn't much higher.
It's ironic good fun seeing Malcolm McDowell as a school authority figure.

3½ negative reinforcements out of 5

Planes: Fire & Rescue (2014)

Planes (2013) was a surprisingly endearing and clever film with an array of appropriately cast characters. Fire & Rescue returns with the core players (Dane Cook, Brad Garrett, Teri Hatcher, Stacy Keach), using the same underdog formula from the first. This time Dusty Crophopper must adapt when his racing prowess is endangered. Cook is still relatable and down-to-earth as ever, his voice giving humor to mere perfunctory exposition. A change of scenery of course comes with new characters and while they all sufficiently embody their roles, they don't live up to the range of flamboyant and colorful personalities from the first. But the amount of adventure has not only increased but intensified with many beautiful and thrilling feats of endangerment.

3 pick up trucks out of 5

Escape from L.A. (1996)

Snake's back! He’s blackmailed into retrieving something from a lame criminal that resembles a boutique Che Guevara.
The political statements and satire are where you’d expect them to be, but something went very wrong with the rest of the film. It’s more comic book than before and the script is so bad that it comes off like a parody of the first film, which is something the last half hour seems to play up to. It'd be easy to pretend otherwise, but the truth is it's not a worthy sequel.

2 shitty modes of transport out of 5

AMERICAN HISTORY X [1998]

Director Tony Kaye's powerful drama American History X is the type of film that seems like it will linger with the viewer for the rest of their lives.
As disturbingly compelling as the narrative is, one can't help but notice the haunted performance played with perfection by Edward Norton.  Aided by a truly impressive cast, the film is told in a non-linear style that bounces back & forth between color and a wonderfully effective black & white.  The end result is a piece of great cinema that will probably leave the viewer stunned, deeply saddened and probably speechless for the duration of the end credits.

5 basketball courts out of 5

Planes (2013)

I was expecting Planes to be aggressively awful. It's a spin-off of Pixar's worst franchise, it's made by the usually awful DisneyToon, and it starred Dane Cook, who makes everything a little bit worse. The odds were stacked against it in every way.

What I got was something aggressively bland. There's nothing particularly good or bad about Planes. There are stock characters, a predictable storyline, and serviceable voice acting. I thought the movie was going to make me want to pull my hair out, but it was just sort of there until it wasn't anymore, and it ended more quickly than I expected. For kids like the one I took, Planes should be a great experience. For everyone else, it's a great time to plan out your grocery list.

1.5 at least the Top Gun thing was sort of clever out of 5

Body Bags (1993)

An anthology of three horror shorts; two shot by John Carpenter and one by Tobe Hooper. Hooper's was so badly cast I couldn't get to the end of it; Mark Hamill (great as The Joker, and Majima Gorō, but sucks at everything else), Twiggy (utterly useless in everything ever) and Sheena Easton (don't even start me on her) fail at everything asked of them. The only notable actor is David Warner.
Introduced by Carpenter, with cameos from some genre greats including Wes Craven, Sam Raimi and Roger Corman it’ll pass an hour and a half of your life without making you want to kill all involved; or if you're like me, about 70 minutes of your life before the square button comes into play.

2 necrofiling cabinets and comb over fails out of 5

Man With The Screaming Brain (2005)

Bruce Campbell writes, stars and directs this affectionate nod to cheesy science-fiction of yesteryear. A-hole businessman Campbell is at war with himself after he gets half his brain spliced with that of a Russian cab driver's. There’s also the little matter of his unfaithful wife who's been transplanted into the body of a robot and the Gypsy woman who comes between them all. Channels some Army of Darkness self-abusive slapstick, almost as a service to the fans. Doesn’t get as much mileage out of the idea of dissociation as you would think, but it’s all meant to be harmless and goofy to begin with. Ted Raimi is a hoot. Shot in Bulgaria, so you get an idea of how cheap this movie is.

3.5 P-Money Mobos out of 5