Death Race 2050 (2017)

aka Roger Corman's Death Race 2050

A sequel to Death Race 2000 (1975). The main objective seems to once again be satirical commentary on the political, social and cultural state of America, with emphasis on news and media entertainment. Story for the colourful racers takes a back seat; the returning Frankenstein character (originally David Carradine, now Manu Bennett) gets the most attention, though it's still pretty meagre. The others get mostly rivalries. The flip-side of OTT characters is their being irksome, but none of them exasperate too much.
Overall, it lacks the era-specific charm of the 70s original, but its blackly humorous attacks on the class system, deforestation, racial and religious issues, etc, is entertaining - provided you liked the previous film.

2½ proxies out of 5

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

Kubrick's most controversial film explores two of the most common types of violence: physical and psychological. Which of the two is most damaging in its implication is debatable, but in order to get the message across the execution of story is by turns distressing, repellent, offensive and oddly pantomime.
The language used by Alex (Malcolm McDowell), the Nadsat slang, as it was in Anthony Burgess' original novel (1962), is a peculiar mix of childish wordplay and poetic structuring that's almost Shakespearean at times.
Using Beethoven, with its cultured/civilised associations, as a soundtrack to violence provides additional contrast in support of the larger societal ones.
It's a challenging film, in all respects, but an immensely powerful one.

5 victims of the modern age out of 5

31 [2016]

Schlock-star Rob Zombie directs 31, a generic survival thriller that continues his love for obscure trashy violent 1970's horror films.
Here we follow a pack of low-life traveling carnival workers who are forced to play a game where they must survive for 12 hours while being stalked by a pack of psychotics dressed as clowns.
To quickly sum it up, it's pretty much The Running Man set in the carnival from Hell and is really nothing more than that.  What sets this apart from Zombie's last few films is it isn't as dark or serious and we're in for a twisted disturbing but oddly fun ride.  The dude still doesn't understand the art of film-making but given the cheap subject matter it's obvious that's not his intent.  So if you're not looking for substance or quality then this might be all right for you.

2 Nazi-midget bunnies out of 5

Class of 1999 (1990)

Mark L. Lester returned to campus for a spiritual sequel to his Class of 1984 (1982) film, but second time out he went sci-fi.
A Seattle high school secretly installs three military surplus battle droids as tutors with directives that enable them to dish out disciplinary measures on the spot like a less law abiding Robocop. It's a reversal of sorts from 1984; before it was the students who were to be feared, now it's the teachers.
A youth named Cody Culp, a typical young adult anti-hero, steps up to the mark, but Cody's past makes rallying the troops difficult.
The film's more ambitious than '84 and had a budget that wasn't much higher.
It's ironic good fun seeing Malcolm McDowell as a school authority figure.

3½ negative reinforcements out of 5

DOOMSDAY [2008]

Director Neil Marshall takes obvious inspiration from films like Mad Max, Escape From New York, Aliens and 28 Days Later for his violent futuristic thriller, Doomsday.
While the films I mentioned above all seem to have an overly serious look on their faces, Doomsday is nothing but violent fun that just wants to take you for an unsettling and sometimes hilarious ride.
With it's well-timed pacing and bone-crunching enthusiasm on it's side, hopefully one can forgive it's many plotholes.  This is b-movie material and not too much more.  Marshall knows this and seems to be interested in entertaining himself first and giving the critics a nail-bat over the cranium instead of something a bit more meaty.

3 all-seeing eyeballs out of 5

Caligula (1979)

Tinto Brass' film has a reputation for being violent, vulgar and pornographic. It’s all those things, but leaving aside the flames and the flesh for a minute, is it any good? The answer is yes and no. Yes because Malcolm McDowell remains engaging even when everything else goes off the rails. His portrayal of the degradation of sanity by power and paranoia is superb. Unfortunately, Tinto's direction is flat; his lack of diversity begins to bore long before the end of the 156 mins running time. It’s possible the decadence of the Roman Senate could've reached the levels of debauchery and self-indulgence depicted in the film, I was fine with that, but the additional sex scenes added later offer nothing other than titillation and distraction. It's an expensive B-Movie.

2½ insane adjudications out of 5

Tank Girl (1995)

I give points to everyone involved in the production for even attempting to turn Martin and Hewlett's bat-shit crazy Tank Girl comic into anything other than an animation. And I'd like to say that it's a success, but that'd be lying.
If Lori Petty brings you out in a rash, you’ll want to avoid it like a dose of the plague. It's her film from troubled beginning to weary end. Everyone else is just along for the ride, or more likely the paycheque. Malcolm McDowell is on autopilot. Naomi Watts looks embarrassed. A cameo from James Hong was good times because he eats this kind of shit up.

2 rockets out of 5

ANTIVIRAL [2012]

Director Brandon Cronenberg follows in his daddy's footsteps with stories about people doing weird shit to their bodies in the unsettling sci-fi thriller Antiviral.
Taking place in a world where people pay to get injected with their favorite celebrity's viruses and illnesses, the film is stark, cold and chills you to the bone with its hospital like color palate and intense ick factor.  Technically it's a work of art with its beautiful framing, precise lighting and delicate direction, however as a story it left me emotionally unattached with its coldness and wooden characters.
It's a nice directorial debut and leaves me eager to see Cronenberg's future films as he matures as a film-maker.

3 celebrity cells out of 5

HALLOWEEN II [2009]

Rob Zombie's sequel to his 2007 Halloween remake is simply terrible.
It could have easily cut off 40 minutes of the film and it still would have told the exact same story and came to exact same conclusion.  The first 30 minutes is a complete waste of time and the only thing I can think Zombie was trying to do was prove how bad a storyteller he really is.  The idea of a Michael Myers' mom dressed all in white hanging out with a horse is one the worst and silliest ideas I've seen in a long time.  I give Zombie credit for trying out something a little different but it just isn't enough to save this film from being a dopey mess.

1 Weird Al? out of 5

SILENT NIGHT [2012]

Indie-slasher director Steven C. Miller loosely remakes the controversial cult classic Silent Night, Deadly Night for the modern age with sadistic delight.

It's not really a great film but then again it never really tries to be.  Instead it's filled with entertaining gory kill sequences and hammy dialogue & acting, particularly Malcolm McDowell who is blessed with delivering some of the worst lines in the film (something about avocado & hummus on his burgers?).  With a whopping 27 producers working on the film you can expect a mess.  Who cares?  Silent Night is a terribly fun mess for slasher fans.

2½ brass knuckles for Santa out of 5

BOLT [2008]

Disney Animations Studios' 49th film Bolt is a crowd pleaser front to back.
It's a fast-paced colorful, gentle, funny and sentimental adventure without ever feeling forced or too much.  While it is obvsiouly aimed for the kids, adults might get a few good laughs at the excellent dialogue, hilariously detailed animation and film-making moments in the story.  It's nice to see Disney go back to it's old family friendly feel rather than some of their more recent "edgy" comedic films.

3½ boom mics in the shot out of 5 

EXCISION [2012]

Like May & American Mary, Richard Bates Jr.'s Excision is one of those unique character study films that lingers with you long after it's done.

At times it's intensely disturbing, shockingly funny, unapologetic in it's twisted execution and carried by a fearless performance from 90210's AnnaLynne McCord.  As outlandish as the film is on the outside, underneath it's tale of family and social dysfunctions is painfully realistic grounding the film in an unsettling reality. Filled with a gaggle of cameos from cult film fan favorites, Excision is definitely aiming for the oddball crowd that doesn't mind going on an uncomfortable yet entertaining ride.

3½ truth horns out of 5

HALLOWEEN [2007]

Getting Rob Zombie to remake John Carpenter's Halloween seemed like it might actually work, given his love for horror movies.  

The end result unfortunately isn't very good.  

Zombie sacrifices subtly building tension and smacks you right over the head with brutal violence right from the get go, which honestly wears off pretty fast.  What's interesting though, is the first half of the film in which Zombie expands upon the history of Michael Myers, would have worked had he not taken a cheap route out with the uninspiring second half.  

There's glimpses of creativity but never enough to save the film from itself.

2½ bloody bathroom stall jamborees out of 5

SILENT HILL: REVELATION [2012]

The original Silent Hill film was surprisingly good compared to the standards set for video game film adaptations before it.

Sadly, the sequel completely shits the bed with it's horrible performances, excruciating dialogue that falls onto hokey monologues way too many times, amateurish direction and CGI that jumps between pretty good to downright sloppy.   Sometimes some clever editing can occasionally save shitfests like this but all parties involved in Silent Hill: Revelations don't seem to know or care what they're doing.   

Silent Hill fans who have been waiting for six years for this deserve much better than this insult to the senses. 

1 Carnival from Hell out of 5

EASY A [2010]

The silly and predictable cinematic ode to John Hughes, Easy A is carried by Emma Stone's dryly comedic performance along with a host of great supporting characters to back her up. In fact the whole time I was thinking "this reminds me of Friends With Benefits with it's awesome supporting characters and really trivial plot".  Turns out it was the same director, Will Gluck.
It's not a complete waste of time due to some great laughs but in the end it never adds up to much and makes you wish you'd revisited the John Hughes classics instead.

2½ Homosexual comparisons to Huck Finn out of 5

THE ARTIST [2011]

Like Martin Scorsese's beautiful Hugo, French director Michel Hazanavicius' The Artist is a passionate ode to the golden age of cinema.

Telling the story, through picture only, of an aging silent film star who finds himself obsolete with the introduction of talkie films, it explores the themes of the inability to adapt and too much pride.

It strips back all the bells and whistles leaving us with a wonderful story, instantly likable characters, lavish photography and charming music courtesy of Ludovic Bource.
...and isn't that what good film-making is all about?

4 adorable dogs out of 5

FIST OF THE NORTH STAR [1995]

Hellraiser II director, Tony Randel brings the popular manga Fist Of The North Star to the screen and it stinks.

With some hokey but fun gory effects and some low-budget yet interesting sets, Fist was obviously made with some genuine love for the source material but that love got lost somewhere during the production. The painfully annoying characters spurt out loads of flat dialogue, the editing is completely nonsensical and the story is so predictable you'd think it was a Saturday morning cartoon.

Christ. *shakes head*

1 "mullets...so many mullets" out of 5

Star Trek: Generations (1994)

Captains Kirk and Picard in the same film? Oh my!
Don’t analyse the plot too much or you’ll be screaming at the screen. It involves a man with a singular objective who must be stopped and, of course, it falls to the Enterprise crew to stop him. The emotional side, exploring family and duty, is handled clumsily and irritatingly twee. That part of it should've been rewritten prior to shooting. It never feels like a feature film, more like an extended episode with some moody lighting, so non-Trek fans need not apply.

3 arguments with history out of 5

Rag Tale (2005)

A showcase for everything that's wrong with modern camera techniques: wobble, zoom, tilt, skew, pan, zoom, skew, zoom zoom, obscured by a dirty coffee cup, zoom, zoom like a bitch, skew unnecessarily for 104 minutes.  Fuck off. It's unwatchable.

0 redeeming qualities out of 5

Suck (2009)

It's either very brave, very stupid or playfully ironic to call your movie Suck when it does. A so-called 'comedy' about a so-called 'rock' band that... suck. Draft in some rock stars for a readymade audience. Throw meat at Moby the vegan? Have Alice Cooper say “Welcome to my Nightmare,” and turn Henry Rollins into an asshole? Oh, the ironic hilarity. I struggled to make it to twenty minutes. The FFW button is my friend; it will likely be yours too.

0 something funny and ironic that is neither out of 5