Barbie (2023)

There's no way to defend this. I fucking loved it. Who knew a movie about a toy with tits could be this poignant, existential and moving, all in one? Barbie becomes self-aware and travels out of her fantasy bubble into the real world, where she's confronted with the realities of being a woman. On the flipside, Ken realizes he's been a slave to Barbie all his life and achieves a form of self-actualization without the need for external validation. Cynics may call it feminist propaganda, but it's riotously funny with tremendous heart, and tells a story that kids ought to hear while their brains are still soft and malleable.

I cried like a bitch and I'm man enough to admit it.

4½ beach-offs out of 5

Excalibur (1981)

Set in 'the dark ages' of man, Dir. John Boorman's version of the Arthurian myth is unusual, to say the least. The acting is at times laughable, and the casting questionable, but I've a great fondness for it, regardless, thanks mostly to its chrome-domed version of Merlin (Nicol Williamson), who's perhaps the most memorable aspect, for good or ill. Personally, I think he's wonderful.
The feeling of ancient magic that's crucial to the era is present, accentuated with unrealistic and/or diffused lighting and softness. That it occasionally and unintentionally resembles Monty Python just adds to the fun.
The differing accents may be a hurdle for viewers not familiar with the wide range that exists within the UK, but anyone with an open mind who's seeking a bold retelling of an old story could do a lot worse than to check it out.

3½ future dreams out of 5

The Long Good Friday (1980)

An unmistakably British gangster film set in London in the 1970s. It stars Bob Hoskins as Harold Shand, a city crime boss who's hoping to get a foothold in legitimate property development. To achieve his goal Harold seeks aid from the American Mafia, but, for reasons that he's not clear on, at the same time a faceless enemy is attempting to put an end to him and his entire venture.
It may be a minority opinion, seeing as how Dir. John Mackenzie's film is widely regarded as a classic of the genre, but I honestly didn't like it very much. What deserves praise regardless of personal feelings is Bob Hoskins' powerhouse performance, surely one of his best; and Francis Monkman's occasionally unusual but upfront score ought to get a mention, too.

3 big acorns out of 5

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS [2017]

Director F. Gary Gray's The Fate of the Furious, the eighth film in the F&F franchise, shows no sign of the series wrapping up.
This time around Diesel's Dom has turned to the dark side forcing The Rock & The Stath to put their differences aside and work together to bring him down, while evading the walls of a prison, an army of cars and a nuclear submarine.
The film doesn't resemble anything that original films set out to do but that's alright because it's so god-damned fun.  There's plenty of laughs, both intentional and unintentional, jammed in-between the carnage-fueled action sequences.  Surpassing Jurassic Park and even Star Wars at the box office means there's no end in sight for the series but that's all right because the film's stars still seem to be having just as much as it's long-time fans are.

3½ hakas out of 5

TRUMBO [2015]

Austin Powers director Jay Roach takes a more serious approach to film with the lively biographical period-drama Trumbo.  

Bryan Cranston shines as acclaimed 1940's screenwriter Dalton Trumbo, who was famously blacklisted from Hollywood, for his communist beliefs, but continued to work and win major awards under a pseudonym.
The script has a tough time justifying itself, with so much going on it never really gives us a clear example as to why Trumbo was such a genius, unless you're already quite familiar with his work.  It's riddled with tired clichés that are all thankfully made a little more digestible with an amazing ensemble cast that is boiling over the edge with appeal.

3 grumpy tubby times out of 5

Savage Messiah (1972)

Ken Russell loved a biopic. SM is about the life of French sculptor Henri Gaudier-Brzeska (played by Scott Antony) and his relationship with Polish writer Sophie Brzeska. Both are characterised as people of strong disposition, struggling on starvation wages but living in the moment, being sustained by their passions for art and each other.
Even though it's named for Henri it's Sophie that shines the brightest. It's as if the madness infused in the production by Russell's hurried approach finds its muse in Dorothy Tutin's amazingly daring performance as the woman for whom Henri's steely heart and brass balls yearn.

4 chiselled advances out of 5

RED 2 [2013]

Galaxy Quest director Dean Parisot slips into the director's chair for the sequel to the 2010 action/comedy Red.
Once again Bruce Willy does what he does best and that's not take his action acting too seriously making for a pretty fun ride.  Mary Louise-Parker scene steals like no tomorrow with her adorably funny performance, while Helen Mirren & Byung Hun Lee bring an awesome Fast & Furious attitude with some wicked guns and vehicular carnage.  It's still wildly violent to the point of ridiculousness but manages to never keep a straight-face while the bullets fly and bones snap 'n crack.  As much fun as the film is, it's a bit too generic and feels like we've seen this story over and over and over again, leading me to believe if not for the fantastic cast it'd be pretty dull.

3 tingles for a Pringle out of 5

Caligula (1979)

Tinto Brass' film has a reputation for being violent, vulgar and pornographic. It’s all those things, but leaving aside the flames and the flesh for a minute, is it any good? The answer is yes and no. Yes because Malcolm McDowell remains engaging even when everything else goes off the rails. His portrayal of the degradation of sanity by power and paranoia is superb. Unfortunately, Tinto's direction is flat; his lack of diversity begins to bore long before the end of the 156 mins running time. It’s possible the decadence of the Roman Senate could've reached the levels of debauchery and self-indulgence depicted in the film, I was fine with that, but the additional sex scenes added later offer nothing other than titillation and distraction. It's an expensive B-Movie.

2½ insane adjudications out of 5

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY [2013]

Dan Scanlon, director of Tracy, brings a lot of color and flair to the prequel to the 2001 Pixar hit Monsters, Inc. with the equally as entertaining Monsters University.
Like the first film, it doesn't quite meet the imaginative high standards of other Pixar films like Up, Wall-E or the Toy Story series but it has a thoughtful charm and thoroughly wholesome energy that leaves you smiling.  I can easily say I quite enjoyed this one and would watch it again to feel the warm & fuzzies.

3½ fifty foot tall librarians out of 5

THE DEBT [2011]

Director John Madden lays down some effective tension in the British remake of the Israeli dramatic espionage thriller The Debt.
Hopping back and forth through time, the film's cast is probably the most outstanding part of the film as we get to know them during different ages of their lives.  Filled with mesmerizing twists & turns and some excellent tension between the 3 protagonists, The Debt is the type of smart, sleek  character driven thriller that doesn't come around enough.

4 Surgeons of Birkenau out of 5

HITCHCOCK [2012]

Screenwriter Sacha Gervasi sits in the director's chair for the lightfare "biopic" Hitchcock.  Telling the story of the making of Alfred Hitchcock's slasher classic Psycho, the film never seems to be concerned with the facts.  It merely touches on Hitchcock's tyrant like behaviour towards his actresses to get the best possible performance and opts for more of genuine portrayal of his mind and manners.  It's a bit frustrating to see how it's all portrayed but once you get past that, it's quite an enjoyable little film that's more a nod to the fat man's filmmaking rather than his actual life.

3 famous silhouettes out of 5

2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984)

Sequel to the seminal 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) that occasionally mimics Kubrick’s style but mostly plays it safe. Like 2001, bugger all happens most of the time; the difference being that when something does happen the danger level is almost non-existent. It seems to exist simply to offer answers to the difficult questions left by its predecessor, robbing it of its enigmatic nature.
Roy Scheider keeps it interesting; without him the two hour running time would feel closer to four.
It’s very close to the novel, with only minor changes, most of which I imagine were for budgetary reasons.

3 fake Russian accents out of 5

RED [2010]

Loosely inspired by Warren Ellis' comic book mini-series, Robert Schwentke's RED isn't everything it could have been but is still takes you out for a good joyride.

With a veteran cast made up of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox and Richard Dreyfuss, it comes as a surprise that Mary Louise-Parker and Karl Urban are the real scene-stealers here.  It's an outrageous, funny, violent action-comedy that's based more on it's cast rather than the script.  Not great, but fun enough to kill two hours.

3 gun-stuffed pigs out of 5

The Tempest (2010)

An all-star cast, special effects, and a modern, rock tinged soundtrack (?) was not enough to save this snoozefest. In all fairness, I'm not really familiar with this play, but this movie did nothing to convince me otherwise. Russell Brand and Alfred Molina (as the two drunks) were great fun, but the rest bored me with their straitlaced interpretations. No offense to Shakespeare, but in my opinion the material was handled too blandly for contemporary audiences to properly digest.

1 save the text for the classroom out of 5

ARTHUR [2011]

Russell Brand assumes the role of Arthur role that was originally played by Dudley Moore.

Helen Mirren steals the show as the surprisingly deeply woven and in depth character of Arthur's nanny, Hobson.

It never really rises to the occasion but a few good guffaws and performances from Brand, Mirren and the incredibly sweet Greta Gerwig make it worth the time you invest in this lackluster comedy.

2 Batmobiles out of 5