I AM THE PRETTY THING THAT LIVES IN THE HOUSE [2016]

Writer/director Oz Perkins' supernatural chiller I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House had me wanting to hide under the covers while watching it.
It's a simple story of a young live-in nurse that discovers her newest client's isolated country house has a history with things that go bump in the night.
Instead of using jump-scares and excessive gore, Pretty Things relies on prolonged unsettling atmosphere to creep under your skin which makes it hard to shake off.  Most modern horror fans will probably find themselves yawning and texting instead of enjoying it's near poetic creepiness.  Similar to Lynch or Polanski, Perkins conjures up the sense of even though there's nothing there, you can't help but feel something is constantly watching from the dark corners of the room or the other side of the door.  It's the perfect film to watch alone in the dark and get completely lost in it's ominous allure.

4 dried lilies out of 5

MASCOTS [2016]

Director Christopher Guest returns to his mockumentary comedies about broken down flakes who just won't quit in Mascots.
This time around eccentric sports mascots from all over the world have gathered together to compete for the obscure Golden Fluffy Award.
If you're familiar with Guest's previous films Best in Show or Waiting for Guffman than you know exactly what you're getting.  If you're completely in love with those films than chances are you'll enjoy this one but don't expect Guest to attempt to do anything different.  He plays it pretty safe here, which isn't a bad thing if you're in it just for the laughs because there's plenty to be had.  I was constantly giggling so I got just what I wanted with this one but many will want more considering it's been so long since his last film.

3 pink bunny Furries out of 5

PARENTS [1989]

Actor Bob Balaban made his theatrical directorial debut with the off-beat horror-comedy Parents.
Set in a 1950's suburban neighborhood, a social misfit of a young boy suspects his oddball parents are serving him human flesh at the dinner table.
Produced in a time when America was just discovering that even it's suburban neighborhoods hold terrible secrets, Parents had the potential to become a cult-classic like Blue Velvet, Flesh-Eating Mothers or The 'Burbs.  Instead it never seems to find a comfortable balance of horror, comedy or intelligent satire and instead tries to be too weird for it's own good and when it's not weird, it's just plain boring.  If not for it's pitch-perfect cast and flawed but inviting set-up the film would not have been as mildly enjoyable as it was.

2½ questionable leftovers out of 5

THE MONUMENTS MEN [2014]

George Clooney directs an all-star cast in his enthusiastic war film, The Monuments Men, which tells the story of WWII platoon that set out to retrieve stolen artwork from Nazis near the tale end of the war.
The film sets out with good intentions but gets lost in a mess of humorous & serious tones that never seem to really find a favorable balance.  It's spreads it's ensemble cast of characters out too thinly and therefore we never really connect with any of them at all.  However by showing us a different reason to fight a war is what it set out to do without the cynicism & hatred and I really admire that.  A pity it's such a mess.

2 good times for a cigarette out of 5

THE MAJESTIC [2001]

With The Majestic, director Frank Darabont set out to make a movie that would have folks saying "they don't make them like that anymore".

For the most part he succeeds, it's got a great cast of characters all of whom seem vaguely familiar but I could never quite place my finger on it, some good ol' fashion scene set ups and exits, melodramatic romance, fantastic soundtrack and Jim Carrey playing a straight-man role that seemed tailored for Jimmy Stewart.  The film loses it's balance a few times but Carrey, Martin Landau and Laurie Holden keep it stitched together.   If you're not familiar with Frank Capra's style of golden era film-making then this one ain't for you.  If you are, then you're in for a real treat.

3½  Big Parades out of 5

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION [2006]

Chris Guest & company gather together once more for the Academy Award season satirical film For Your Consideration.

It takes some nasty jab at the way Hollywood & the entertainment business runs but I think a lot of the humour is lost on the average viewer with too many "in the biz" jokes and whatnot.  Catherine O'Hara shines here as the insecure and manic actress on the verge of hysterics.  For some reason Guest decides to drop the mockumentary style he's so good at and it hurts the ab-libbed humour a bit.  Beyond it's many shortcomings, FYC is still wickedly funnier than most inane thoughtless comedies today.

3½ Jezebels out of 5

WAITING FOR GUFFMAN [1997]

Writer/director Christopher Guest (This Is Spinal Tap's guitarist) returns to his mockumentary roots in Waiting For Guffman.

Edited down from 60 hours of completely ad-libbed material, Guest's hilarious concept is brought to life with an insanely funny & talented cast.  It's got enough upfront funny bits but with repeat viewing you'll notice all sorts of little subtly placed jokes and gags that easily cements it as a comedy diamond in the rough.

4 Stool Capitols of the World out of 5

2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984)

Sequel to the seminal 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) that occasionally mimics Kubrick’s style but mostly plays it safe. Like 2001, bugger all happens most of the time; the difference being that when something does happen the danger level is almost non-existent. It seems to exist simply to offer answers to the difficult questions left by its predecessor, robbing it of its enigmatic nature.
Roy Scheider keeps it interesting; without him the two hour running time would feel closer to four.
It’s very close to the novel, with only minor changes, most of which I imagine were for budgetary reasons.

3 fake Russian accents out of 5

LADY IN THE WATER [2006]

M. Night Shyamalan's "bedtime story" Lady In The Water is a universally panned film that I find hard not liking.  

Sure it's got an uneven plot, questionable dialogue and terribly written characters, but the mood, performances and music are great.  Shyamalan had balls to make a film like this when the big thing in mainstream cinema were manboy superheros and boy wizards.  It's nothing more than wide-eyed storytelling that serves it's purpose in entertainment.

3 giant fap-arms out of 5

Altered States (1980)

William Hurt eats some extra special magic mushrooms and drops himself into a sensory deprivation tank, and then shit gets real. Packed with religious symbolism and a lot of psychedelic imagery, Altered States will strike a chord with anyone who’s ever put their brain outside the box and wondered about abstract things… you know what I mean. It doesn't succeed in recreating such an experience visually, but emotionally and metaphorically it does quite well. It remains surprisingly on track given the director’s history. Apparently Kubrick turned it down (and Spielberg, but that's probably a good thing).
I was shocked to find it was William Hurt's cinematic début; it’s one of the finest performances I've seen from him. A genuine sci-fi classic.

4½ orders of I'll have what he's having out of 5