Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)

"Oh, the pain. Life is such hideous pain."

Guillermo del Toro brings us his longstanding vision of Pinocchio as a lovingly crafted stop-motion production with all the stops. It's a masterpiece of design and one of the best looking films I've seen all year. I like how it goes beyond the original story to show us how Geppetto was inspired to build the puppet. It has that classic story tale feeling, like the original 1940 Disney animation, but it adds a certain pathos and darkness that was missing from that film. I wasn't expecting to be quite so moved by the end of it. I think it's just wonderful.

4½ hourglasses out of 5

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019)

(Psst...the "hidden world" is sex)

Time has passed, Hiccup is now the chieftain of Berg, and Toothless is ready to spread his wings in the third and final entry in the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy (not counting 6 short films, 3 TV spin-offs and a live-action remake).

On the brink of war against those who would do away with all dragons, and on the lookout for a new homeland, Hiccup goes on a quest for the long-rumored secret dragon haven. Meanwhile, Toothless has found romance in a Light Fury playing hard to get. It's all about letting go, and this is Toothless's story just as much as it is Hiccup's. While it doesn't quite reach the dizzying heights of the series, it does offer a worthy parting glance for this colorful world of wonder.

3½ awkward mating rituals out of 5

Black Bag (2025)

An espionage thriller about a British intelligence officer and his wife who investigate an internal leak among four other spies. It's a premise that starts out intriguing and shrouded in mystery, but quickly proves to be dry and dull as ditchwater. It's the kind of film that thinks it's cleverer than the audience, but joke's on them: I didn't give a single shit about any of it in the first place.

The good thing about Steven Soderbergh is if you don't like one of his movies, just wait 6 months, and he'll come out with another one.

2 polygraphs out of 5

Rumours (2024)

AKA: Rumors (god damn it)

Seven political leaders meet up at the annual G7 summit to discuss the world's affairs amid an undefined crisis. A lot of weird stuff happens, leading to them running amuck around the dark woods at night, but given the film's forthright unwillingness to provide any answers, I found myself not giving a shit after awhile. I suppose it's an allegory or something. It's the type of absurdism that is bound to piss people off, just like it did to me. It's either bullshit pretentious garbage or brilliant pretentious art. No fucking idea; take your pick.

Also, what do we have to do to deserve Charles Dance as U.S. President? I didn't even think that was possible.

2 fap monsters out of 5

Don't Look Up (2021)

An all-star ensemble satirical black comedy about two scientists attempting to warn humanity about an impending disaster that signals the end of the world, while everybody turns a blind eye, which hits a little bit too close to home. It's exaggerated and ridiculous for a reason, but handled entirely convincingly, almost like an unofficial sequel to Idiocracy (or an even more grim version of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World). All of these things could still come true today. The only thing you can do is sit back and laugh while you watch it all burn.

4 "free snacks" out of 5

Borderlands (2024)

Soulless cash grab. The cast is stacked, but you can just see how empty everyone looks behind the eyes. They took a beloved video game franchise and watered it down for the kiddies. Almost like Guardians of the Galaxy, if you stripped all the memorable charm, humor and wit out of it. This is an example of how pandering to the general crowd pleases nobody and fails to engage its core audience. Compare that with the audacity of Deadpool & Wolverine, which embraced its vulgar comic book origins with irreverent glee, despite the potential of limiting its bottom line. You can see how well that turned out for both.

I struggle to find anything redeeming to say about it, other than when it finally ended. 

1 complete waste of everyone's time out of 5

CAROL [2015]

Based upon eccentric author Patricia Highsmith's groundbreaking novel of the same name, director Todd Haynes crafts a beautiful looking 1950's "forbidden" love story with Carol.
Two woman, coming from completely different lifestyles, find they have a deep attraction to each other that goes against the grain of the uppity times and dismay of their intolerable male partners.
As always, Cate Blanchett & Rooney Mara both turn in some pretty solid performances that are haunted, sensitive and so very human.  Haynes takes us into a gorgeously photography gloomy, cold world that offers it's only warmth in the embrace of it's two troubled female protagonists.  The tale is told in such frank clarity, I think it would have benefited with only focus on Rooney Mara's point of view, allowing the narrative to flow a little smoother.
Aided by the beauty of composer Carter Burwell's music, Carol is a visual and audio feast for the senses that leaves so much to ponder upon with what should be so simple.

4 road trips out of 5

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES [2014]

The final part of Peter Jackson's over-bloated Hobbit trilogy brings us to a mildy under-whelming farewell to the cinematic world of Middle Earth.
The Battle Of The Five Armies will satisfy hardcore fans of Jackson's vision but will more than likely bore anyone uninterested with it's constant attack of CGI battles and creepy crawlies.  It might be billed as "the defining chapter" but one can't help but feel it's not much more than a generous helping of fan service.  With all that out of the way, as a fan, it's a pretty jaw-dropping spectacle with many an applause worthy sequence and giddy-inducing moments leading into the Lord Of The Rings.  

3 bears falling out of the sky out of 5

Veronica Guerin (2003)

The story of a real life journalist who dared to expose the murky depths of organised crime in Dublin during the 1990s, at a time when the Gardai (police) were useless or had their hands tied by legislature.
Guerin is written as being either noble or reckless, depending on your point of view of how someone with a young child ought to perform. What’s less up for argument is that she’s a ballsy crusader for justice.
Schumacher keeps it realistic, with violence that’s swift and brutal. There’s a tendency for viewers to pair realism with fact. I don’t know if that’s the case, so I can only judge it as a film. In that respect it’s well-paced, even if the initial intent gets pushed aside somewhat in favour of a drama about who’s the boldest and bravest in a struggle between right and wrong.

3 interventions out of 5

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 [2014]

Picking up five years after the original film, Dean DeBlois continues the story of a boy and his dragon in the 2nd instalment of the How To Train Your Dragon trilogy. 
Without sacrificing any of the wide-eyed adventure, Dragon 2 explores some more serious themes of coming of age, war and family without getting boringly heavy-handed or spoon-fed to a younger audience.  It's enthusiastic flight scenes, voicework, music and beautiful scenery are all just as good as the original.  It might not amaze as much I would have liked but it certainly doesn't disappoint and I eagerly anticipate the third and final film.

3½ dragon-riders out of 5

THE MONUMENTS MEN [2014]

George Clooney directs an all-star cast in his enthusiastic war film, The Monuments Men, which tells the story of WWII platoon that set out to retrieve stolen artwork from Nazis near the tale end of the war.
The film sets out with good intentions but gets lost in a mess of humorous & serious tones that never seem to really find a favorable balance.  It's spreads it's ensemble cast of characters out too thinly and therefore we never really connect with any of them at all.  However by showing us a different reason to fight a war is what it set out to do without the cynicism & hatred and I really admire that.  A pity it's such a mess.

2 good times for a cigarette out of 5

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL [2008]

19 years after the last film, Steven Speilberg, George Lucas and Harrison Ford dust off the the whip & fedora for a forth round in the popular Indiana Jones series.
At the ripe ol' age of 66, Captain Ford looks surprisingly good and slips right back into his role with some minor but suitable creaks 'n groans.  The goods pretty much end right there though.
It lacks the heart, imagination and enthusiasm of the original films, even going so far as to nearly ditch the disjointed (yet highly entertaining) serial film like storytelling and almost becoming a coherent (yet painfully boring) straight up tale.
There's a few fun moments scattered throughout but not enough to stand the test of time as the original film does.

2 close encounters out of 5

BLUE JASMINE [2013]

Woody Allen's comedic drama Blue Jasmine echoes that of A Streetcar Named Desire with a modern flair and without as much dramatic tension.
Cate Blanchett leads the cast with one of the best performances of her career however it's Sally Hawkins who steals every scene she's in with the perfect balance of comedy and dramatic realism.  The rest of the cast are just as great and in a surprising turn, Andrew Dice Clay deserves some attention.  Allen's script is wickedly funny and well-structured but without the talented cast and comedic timing it might not be as great as it's end results.  It's tragedy and comedy all rolled into one crazy cast of characters making for one of Allen's better films in several years.

3½ Blue Moons out of 5

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (extended edition) [2001]

They said it couldn't be with much doubt but Peter Jackson & co. brought J.R.R. Tolkien's classic epic fantasy novel The Lord Of The Rings to the screen with smashing success both financially and creatively.
The expanded edition of the first instalment The Fellowship Of Ring is easily the definitive version as it smooths out some of the rough skips and bumps in the original edit.  Fleshing out the vivid characters just a bit more added so much to the rich details Jackson gave the world of Middle Earth and it's inhabitants.   With a perfectly rounded out cast, dazzling special effects, beautifully intricate set design, dizzying photography and a powerful score from Howard Shore the film is a milestone in modern film-making.  At the heart of the razzle dazzle lays a wonderfully woven tale about love, friendship and hope in increasingly dark times set within a world of adventure, fantasy and horror.

5 2nd breakfasts out of 5 

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY [2012]

The first part of director Peter Jackson's questionably drawn out 2nd Middle Earth Trilogy, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is a welcome return to the world by fans.

There's a familiar air about the film that is both comforting and tense but Jackson fills it up with more than enough background info to destroy some of the mystery of the world.  Martin Freeman & Ian McKellen are absolutely wonderful in the lead roles, as are the ensemble dwarf cast but there's only so much little people partying one would care to see in one film.  As for the controversial 48fps deal?  It's quite effective in some scenes and is in dire need to iron out the kinks in other scenes.  

Being a fan of Jackson and his work, I can't help but anticipate the next two instalments, no matter what little qualms I have with this first part.

3½ dwarf burglars out of 5

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

It’s clear from the beginning of Benjamin Button that you’re in for an emotional experience, but it never quite reaches the lofty peaks it promises, except in the frame narrative which made me shed a manly tear. I wasn't seeking more schmaltz, but more affecting relationships, deserving of the quality cast, aided by a less reserved Despalt score would have been very welcome.
The most astonishing thing of all was that it was directed by David Fincher. I didn't think him capable of such a reflective and delicate piece.

3½ hummingbirds out of 5

Babel (2006)

A multi-narrative film about relationships, personal tragedy and consequences. You’ll likely be initially confused as to how and why the separate threads of Morocco, America, Mexico and Japan are connected, but it will reveal over time. Each individual story gets the right amount of attention, never outweighing the others.
It’s 143 minutes of other people’s misery, but it’s powerful and it’s beautiful with some affecting music. Essentially, it’s storytelling in its purest form.

3½ mysterious notes out of 5

THE GIFT [2000]

Director Sam Raimi avoids typecast once again by dipping into the Southern supernatural crime-drama The Gift.
It's pretty safe to say Cate Blanchett holds up the whole film with her mesmerizing fragile performance. Not to say she didn't have a little help from some effectively frightening performances from Keanu Reeves & Giovanni Ribisi, as well as the beautiful and haunting backdrop of Southern Georgia.
Unfortunately the film is far too predictable and provides very little in the scare department. However, it's the actor's fine jobs that kept me coming back to this film more than once.

3 Elfman The Fiddler's out of 5

HANNA [2011]

Actress Saoirse Ronan continues to impress me more and more with each role I see her in. Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana, Olivia Williams and Jason Flemyng all talented actors, take the back seat to allow Ronan to really shine here.
Hanna is more a character study thriller rather than the action-packed Bourne-esque flick it was advertised as in the misleading trailers. While not really original or groundbreaking it perfectly paces each plot reveal, is beautifully shot and entertains with out ever getting too heavy.
Unfortunately it falls apart at the very end and becomes a series of mesmerizing location shots stitched together with an unintentionally comedic chase scene.
Once you get past the boring climatic sequence and a few plot holes, I can highly recommend this film if it's a smart, well crafted thriller that you're looking for.

3 ½ bleeding gums out of 5

THE AVIATOR [2004]

Martin Scorsese delivers yet another film of delicately crafted shots, extravagant set pieces and noteworthy costumes. The Aviator tells the story of the eccentric film director and aviator Howard Hughes.
Leonardo DiCaprio hands in a wonderful performance as Hughes, as does Cate Blanchett who does a hauntingly believable and spot on performance as Katherine Hepburn. Filled with an entire army of beautiful performances, I'd be hard off to list them all.
Scorsese takes us back to the Golden Age of Hollywood in both the era itself and even in his own filming techniques. It's a beautiful and fascinating film that I was surprised to find I was so enthralled with. My initial reaction to a film about Hughes was "this will be boring" and found that I couldn't be any more wrong.

4 ½ Errol Fuckin Flynn's out of 5