The Quatermass Experiment (2005)

The film was a kind of experiment for the BBC too, being the first live TV broadcast fiction they'd made in over 20 years. The basic story is the same as before — about a rocket ship that crashes back to Earth minus some crew members after having been out of contact for a time while in space — but the production is lifeless and there's some awful dialogue throughout.

Jason Flemyng is miscast as Quatermass, and the BBC 4 budget meant that the threat is spoken about more than actually seen. On paper it's a gutsy attempt to recapture an era when TV was like theatre in the home, but a small number of interesting scenes (e.g., the drama during the press conference) aren't enough to shake the insipid feeling that pervades the majority of it.

1½ compositional changes out of 5

Solomon Kane (2009)

My TV is capable of displaying tens of millions of colours. SK made use of about 10% of them. It’s a colour-drained bore in which even the grass is gray.
The characters are just as limited. Kane is a charisma-vacuum. Admittedly, having a soul that’s damned and fearing the reaper will reap your ass at any time would put a dampener on life, but did the gloom have to be passed so completely onto the viewer? It also rains a lot. It’s set in England, so I suppose they should get credit for showing that side of it.
The reliance on CGI only serves to increase the sense that nothing is real, except the feeling that we all want the misery to end.

1½ shadows kept at bay out of 5

From Hell (2001)

A Jack the Ripper story adapted from/inspired by an Alan Moore graphic novel of the same name. It’s flawed but interesting.

The Hughes brothers wanted realism in the environment, but the end result is far from that; it’s a well-lit Whitechapel filled with clean dirt and a stage-like aura, but it works if you think of it as theatre.

There are some memorable flashes of creativity thanks in part to the stylised use of colour. The editing is good and the music is successful in creating and sustaining intrigue and drama.

Johnny Depp is a fine actor but he isn't suited to the role of a Dorset-born Police Inspector, and nor is Heather Graham suited to hers. The illusion of being in London is utterly shattered every time they speak.

2½ alleviations out of 5

The Riddle (2007)

A lazily unfolding mystery about an unpublished manuscript by Charles Dickens. It’s an odd merger of past and present, with a fourth wall breaking monologue from a bygone era having relevance to a modern day murder. The result is like a pilot episode of a series that had never any hope of being picked up. A fastidious rewrite (or three), some recasting and an increase in the budget could've turned it into something uniquely entertaining, because there's a genuinely interesting story there, but as it is now it’s watered down and lacks impetus.

2 pieces of life out of 5

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Loosely based on weird-beard recluse Alan Moore's comic book of the same name, the League film is notable solely for being Sean Connery’s last onscreen appearance. The Great Scot retired from acting afterwards. I’d bet my left testicle that if he could go back in time he’d pick something less forgettable as his swansong.
With eight main characters to juggle the script should've been more focussed on deepening character interactions than on mindless action scenes. There was a balance that could've been found, but it was ignored.

1 role reversal out of 5

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

It’s clear from the beginning of Benjamin Button that you’re in for an emotional experience, but it never quite reaches the lofty peaks it promises, except in the frame narrative which made me shed a manly tear. I wasn't seeking more schmaltz, but more affecting relationships, deserving of the quality cast, aided by a less reserved Despalt score would have been very welcome.
The most astonishing thing of all was that it was directed by David Fincher. I didn't think him capable of such a reflective and delicate piece.

3½ hummingbirds out of 5

Transporter 2 (2005)

The Stath returns for a sequel that’s like the first movie but kicked into a much higher gear. He hasn't time to deliver any packages this time because he’s too busy busting bad guy's heads and breaking limbs, as his honour demands. He’s unstoppable, like a cocky T1000 with five o'clock designer stubble. It has a kinetic fight scene with a hosepipe that even the great Jackie Chan would swell with pride to be a part of. Teams Stath with Jason Flemyng again which was fun to see. My only criticism is that it’s too short.

3½ crazy stunts in high heels out of 5

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

Guy Ritchie's first feature is a typical heist film set in the British crime underworld. Crime is a mug's game, and there are mugs aplenty in Lock, Stock.
His ace in the hole was never allowing it to take itself too seriously. The thieves aren't the sharpest tools in the box, and when they try to be clever everything turns into a veritable shit-storm.
You may need to brush up on your cockney lingo because the dialogue is as sharp as the Aylesbury Duck. It’s all a bit Brian Clough around the edges but is chock full of style. Good stuff.

3½ dirty fingers in dirty pies out of 5

Mean Machine (2001)

Vinnie Jones is in prison and has to try and fit in with a cast of clichéd stock types in a British remake of The Longest Yard (1974). American football is replaced with regular football, which made me cringe when I found out. I hate football.  Despite that, it's the first time I've ever enjoyed a match in my entire life. The film is nothing to write home about, but the last half is good fun.
Jason Statham has a small role with very little screen time but steals the show every time he bulls his way in. It’s worth watching to see him on the field.

2½ ex-footballer acting at acting as an ex-footballer out of 5

HANNA [2011]

Actress Saoirse Ronan continues to impress me more and more with each role I see her in. Cate Blanchett, Eric Bana, Olivia Williams and Jason Flemyng all talented actors, take the back seat to allow Ronan to really shine here.
Hanna is more a character study thriller rather than the action-packed Bourne-esque flick it was advertised as in the misleading trailers. While not really original or groundbreaking it perfectly paces each plot reveal, is beautifully shot and entertains with out ever getting too heavy.
Unfortunately it falls apart at the very end and becomes a series of mesmerizing location shots stitched together with an unintentionally comedic chase scene.
Once you get past the boring climatic sequence and a few plot holes, I can highly recommend this film if it's a smart, well crafted thriller that you're looking for.

3 ½ bleeding gums out of 5

X-men: First Class [2011]

Matthew Vaughn crafts a highly entertaining little comic book tale with the latest installment of the hit & miss X-men movie franchise.
It's a hammy spectacle edging closer to Raimi's comic book style rather than the style Bryan Singer established with the original X film. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender turn in some great performances but not good enough to make us forget Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen.
Vaughn does manage to fit in enough style from the '60's but never really enough to make it feel outdated. A lot of dialogue is forced and silly as is the music which is quite distracting when heavy Limp Bizkit style rock music kicks in, in what should be a movie taking place in the '60's.
Not a film to write home about but still a fun time out and by far my favorite since the first X film.

3 Leland Palmers? out of 5