MINORITY REPORT [2002]

Minority Report is another film from Steven Spielberg's cold, cynical period that saw the director shitting the bed in the final 15 minutes of every project from those mixed days.
Loosely based upon Philip K. Dick's neo-noir short story of the same name, it follows a world where the crime of murder can be foreseen by law enforcement but is put into question when one of it's leading officers is accused of murder himself.
There's plenty of tantalizing ideas and themes thrown around but it's all wrapped around a rather soulless heart that makes it difficult to attach oneself to.  There's several moments of astonishing camera-work, imaginative action sequences and icy yet fascinating visuals that all matches Dick's Cold War paranoia story to a tee.  So maybe it might have been an even more successful adaptation if it were done for an anthology television series instead.

3 spider-bots out of 5

STAR WARS - EPISODE VII - THE FORCE AWAKENS [2015]

After retooling the premise of the Star Trek series, sci-fi nerds were very cautious approaching director J.J. Abrams' much-hyped continuation of the Star Wars saga, coming 38 years after the original film.
Fortunately Abrams & co. deliver the popcorn space opera awesomeness for Episode VII: The Force Awakens.
Set thirty years after Return of the Jedi, with the Empire defeated, a powerful new threat rises, known as the First Order and clashes with the Resistance, comprised of faces both familiar and new.
This gorgeous looking thrill-ride captures all the excitement of Lucas' films while capturing Abrams' edgier flavor but never sacrificing any of the fun (or going overboard with his trademark lens flare).  The casting is wonderful and even though I'm familiar with nearly all the names, it's the one who I didn't know that stood out the most: Daisy Ridley as the ass-kicking scavenger Rey.  It mirrors the events of the original film, giving it a history repeats itself feel but as it comes to a conclusion we're promised a brand new direction that's sure to surprise with flying colors.
"Chewie, we're home" indeed.

4 big hairy things out of 5

Solomon Kane (2009)

My TV is capable of displaying tens of millions of colours. SK made use of about 10% of them. It’s a colour-drained bore in which even the grass is gray.
The characters are just as limited. Kane is a charisma-vacuum. Admittedly, having a soul that’s damned and fearing the reaper will reap your ass at any time would put a dampener on life, but did the gloom have to be passed so completely onto the viewer? It also rains a lot. It’s set in England, so I suppose they should get credit for showing that side of it.
The reliance on CGI only serves to increase the sense that nothing is real, except the feeling that we all want the misery to end.

1½ shadows kept at bay out of 5

The Seventh Seal (1957)

The emphasis on the big question raised and repeated throughout the film has become the focus of many studies, and while it’s a focus that’s justified I do wonder if it was really so unusual, even by 1957 standards? Either way, it was certainly more overt and daring than what had come before.
The parts that are good are really good; so much so that the light-hearted moments seem silly and over-long in comparison. What elevates it to classic status in my estimation is the exceptional cinematography, precise editing, iconic scenes between the knight and the personification of Death, and the excellent characterisation of Jöns the squire.

4 concealments out of 5

Dune: Special TV Edition (1988)

A 176 min (PAL) version of Dune!? Holy Reverend Mother’s undies! It’s… it’s… Alan Smithee? It’s 4:3 Pan + Scan and it’s in mono. Bastards!
On the plus side there are alternate edits, angles and footage that was missing from the shorter 137 min theatrical cut. There’s an extended prologue providing a lot more back-story than before via V/O and a series of painted images filmed with a rostrum camera; I have mixed feelings about that part.
The inclusion of an original film poster reproduction is appealing, but hardly enough to entice all but the most obsessive Dune fan. If you identify with that classification then seek it out because the new scenes are fascinating. The 4:3 presentation, however, means it scores badly. If only it had been in 2.35:1.

2½ eyes turned to Arrakis out of 5

Judge Dredd (1995)

Stallone appears with jutting chin and less than nine minutes later the helmet comes off. It ceases to be a Judge Dredd film and instead becomes a Sly Stallone film with a comedy sidekick! There’s a decent amount of plot squeezed into the running time, but it’s full of inconsistencies and one-liners.
To be fair, it’s not all bad. Mega-City One was interesting, some of the Council of Chief Judges were good (especially McGruder) and the addition of Hershey was a nice touch, or it would've been if she’d not been there simply to hang some hurried plot advancements on. If you somehow make it to the end you'll witness the worst part. Even Walter the Wobot would be appalled.

1½ deceptions out of 5

Rush Hour 3 (2007)

Making it from the opening credits to the closing credits of the third instalment is a test of endurance. It's as if the writer didn't understand the characters, but it was written by the same guy that did the second film, so what happened? Did he do it the college way: wait until the last minute and pull an all-nighter? And what the hell was Polanski doing in it? Too many questions that I don't really want answers for.
There are rumours of a fourth entry. If it happens, please kill Carter.

1 waste of my time out of 5

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

The Terminator (1984) is a good film, but if I had to choose just one role that best epitomises Arnie to me, I'd say Conan is the role he was born to play.
It's essentially a tale of revenge, albeit one with Wagnerian aspirations that sees a young boy grow to be a man who, mercifully, says very little. For Conan, actions are more important than words. The majority of that action is best dealt with by the business end of a sword, set to epic music.
The film is still the pinnacle of Sword and Sorcery cinema.

4½ Hyborian Heroes out of 5

Needful Things (1993)

A mysterious Curiosity Shop opens in a small town and just happens to stock the thing you desire most, but the asking price is a little unusual.
Max von Sydow is great as the pernicious but charismatic shop proprietor, his years of experience are what the role needed. Ed Harris is equally as good. Without those two it would feel like a kid's horror movie for adults.
It's not the worst Stephen King adaptation; with some minor rewrites it could've been much improved.

3 turkey shit sheets out of 5

EXTREMELY LOUD & INCREDIBLY CLOSE [2011]

Director Stephen Daldry puts on his schmaltzy Oscar suit for the adaptation of Jonathan Safran Foer's 9/11 aftermath novel Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

The story itself could have had great intentions but got lost along the way to ruthlessly tug at the heart strings and make us feel good.  Those intentions are so crystal clear it's pretty offensive the producers didn't think anybody would see right through this Oscar bait bullshit.
What a manipulative pile of shit.  

1 answer in the palm of the hand out of 5

Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

A 120 minute steaming, festering, locust covered turd.
It was my third attempt at watching the shit-fest, I had face-palmed myself into a coma the previous two times. I was determined to make it to the end. Determination is overrated. Never again.

0½ pseudoscientific quasi-religious bullshit out of 5

The Exorcist (1973)

I don't think it's the scariest film of all time, but it is a disturbing one and an eerie aural experience. It's slow to begin but creeps under your skin, unnoticed, until it settles into your consciousness with an intensity that's very hard to define. Friedkin's direction is almost vérité which adds to the realism and heightens the unease. Unlike many Hollywood films it remains as objective as possible; it doesn't preach or attempt to influence the viewer's established notions of good and evil. It simply is what it is.
The unintentional humour is the only thing that keeps it from being perfect.

4 the pea of soup compels you out of 5

Dune (1984)

Scratchy sand, suits with piss in the thighs, giant phallic worms, quasi-religious nonsense and a floating fat man. I love Dune.
It’s a mess that requires you to have a deep knowledge of the book that it’s based on to understand it. You’ll need to be able to fill in the blanks to have even a hope of defending it to the haters. There's some dodgy casting and some inspired casting, and the music is hero music at its finest. One thing is certain: the sets are some of the best you’ll find in an 80’s sci-fi film.

4 litanies against fear out of 5

SHUTTER ISLAND [2010]

Director Martin Scorsese takes Leonardo DiCaprio for a spooky ride in Shutter Island. Based on Gone Baby Gone author Dennis Lehane's novel, Scorsese gives it vibrant flair of noir-ish dreamlike creepiness.
DiCaprio is good but it's Sir Ben Kingsley and Mark Ruffalo who turn in subtly superb performances that may go unnoticed upon a first viewing. The morbid surreal atmosphere is so thick here you can cut with a rusted knife. The plot twists and turns with each corner taken but never gets too mind-boggling to detract from the flow of the story.
With each viewing it gets better and better as you notice the extreme attention to careful detail. It's not Scorsese's best film but it's a helluva a lot better than most cinema we're subjected to today.

4 Truth And Lies out of 5

The Wolfman (2010)

Lycanthropy sucks; itchy, scratchy hair in all the wrong places; monobrow; dry skin; wet dog smell. and a monthly cycle of pain (sorry, ladies). Know what sucks more? This reboot. The Wolfman was always the least interesting of the Universal monsters. At least it’s consistent.

Set dressings were nice.

0 nail clippings out of 5