Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"It’s a strange town, that way. Especially with new arrivals.

...

Well, I think a lot of people that come to small towns are trying to get away from something...or they’re hiding something."

That nugget refers to the set-up given away by the title of the film, so please don't get your undies in a twist over it being a spoiler. It also basically explains why this movie was chosen over all others with elementary schools in them to be a significant visual reference for Midwich Elementary in the first Silent Hill game. How does it fare outside of that? It's pretty rote and predictable, but it is fun to see Arnold get away with things that any of the rest of us would get fired for instantaneously. It doesn't have a modicum of the charm and heart of Jingle All the Way, but it was hand-picked by the ultimate benefactor, for good and ill.

1½ "Non-existent" Bathroom Trips out of 5

Nutted by NEG.

Dune: Special TV Edition (1988)

A 176 min (PAL) version of Dune!? Holy Reverend Mother’s undies! It’s… it’s… Alan Smithee? It’s 4:3 Pan + Scan and it’s in mono. Bastards!
On the plus side there are alternate edits, angles and footage that was missing from the shorter 137 min theatrical cut. There’s an extended prologue providing a lot more back-story than before via V/O and a series of painted images filmed with a rostrum camera; I have mixed feelings about that part.
The inclusion of an original film poster reproduction is appealing, but hardly enough to entice all but the most obsessive Dune fan. If you identify with that classification then seek it out because the new scenes are fascinating. The 4:3 presentation, however, means it scores badly. If only it had been in 2.35:1.

2½ eyes turned to Arrakis out of 5

Dune (1984)

Scratchy sand, suits with piss in the thighs, giant phallic worms, quasi-religious nonsense and a floating fat man. I love Dune.
It’s a mess that requires you to have a deep knowledge of the book that it’s based on to understand it. You’ll need to be able to fill in the blanks to have even a hope of defending it to the haters. There's some dodgy casting and some inspired casting, and the music is hero music at its finest. One thing is certain: the sets are some of the best you’ll find in an 80’s sci-fi film.

4 litanies against fear out of 5