Over the Top (1987)

Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a father who's been estranged from his ten-year-old son (David Mendenhall) for the boy's entire life. The kid is a US military school brat, bordering on insufferable when we first meet him. At the behest of the youth's mother, Hawk spends time with the kid, hoping to get to know him during a lengthy truck ride across states. Trouble comes from the boy's overbearing grandfather, who wants trucker Hawk out of the picture.
It's a pretty clichéd story of an absent father who has to fight to knock down the walls of his child's preconceived notions and feelings of abandonment, and the bonding can be disappointingly mawkish at times, but it has the charm of a 1980's VHS rental, and I have a fondness for that kind of thing, When in Vegas it tries to be the Rocky of arm wrestling, and it does a half-decent job at it. I was inwardly (but assuredly) cheering for pops during the finale.

3 shoulder pillows out of 5

Demolition Man (1993)

Because responses to movies are ofttimes influenced by the viewer's state of mnd at the time, I'll occasionally give a second chance to one that I disliked and/or turned off partway through on my first viewing. In DM's case there was about twenty-four years between my first and second attempt. I've changed a lot in those years, but I don't feel that DM has got any better with age.
Stallone stars as a hard-as-nails LAPD sergeant who's cryogenically frozen for thirty-six years, thawed out to track down a "maniac" criminal from his own era, namely Wesley Snipes with a mad shtick that makes Nic Cage look good.
At times it's similar to the woeful version of Judge Dredd (1995) that Sly was also in, but, remarkably, is even more excruciating to watch. Interestingly, to me, anyhow, the computer voice, heard but not seen, is Adrienne Barbeau.

1 presidential joke out of 5

Cobra (1986)

A violent 80s action movie produced by the Cannon Group that has almost nothing of note to offer a viewer beyond its pure-bred action credentials.
There was some attempt to give the toughened lieutenant Cobra (Stallone) an understated sense of humour, but it's about as successful as trying to pin a badge on smoke. The musical montage is absolutely atrocious (and that's being kind to it). The main bad guy is a jobbing actor that I like but he's written as a crazed murderous meat-machine with no nuance whatsoever.
Amidst all the clichés and copycat nonsense the music adds a suitably menacing tone and is, for me, the most memorable ingredient.

2½ dietary japes out of 5

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 [2017]

Director James Gunn returns to the MCU for more immensely entertaining nuttiness in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.
Continuing their galactic misadventures, the Guardians are on the run from a race of powerful aliens  of whom they stole from when they run into Peter Quill's long-lost father with a tempting proposition.
After the surprise of how good the first film actually was, this installment has a lot to live up to and it almost hits the mark.  Gunn has a lot to juggle and it's almost always successful with a few minor quibbles here and there.  It's jam-packed with plenty of humor, extravagant set-pieces, memorable characters you learn to love even more and plenty of emotion to form some serious lumps in your throat.  If you're a fan of the first then this one will deliver the goods with oddball personality and genuine heart.

3½ trash pandas out of 5

D-Tox (2002)

aka Eye See You

Sly plays an FBI agent who enters a remote detox clinic (not D-Tox, folks) exclusively for cops that resembles a desolate, gray-walled bunker level from an FPS video game. Which FPS? All of them. Once there, the film ceases to attempt building a potentially harrowing drama and descends into a piss-poor clone of Alien³ (1992 / 2003) and The Thing (1982), without an alien or a Thing. Instead, the threat is a serial killer content with living in a world dictated by horror movie logic.
The ‘retreat run by cops for cops’ screening process is questionable. To be fair, my own isn't much better. It wasn't until afterwards that I noticed the words ‘From the director of I Know What You Did Last Summer’ on the cover. If I’d seen that beforehand, I’d have chucked it in the trash sooner.

1½ snowy step processes out of 5

Shade (2003)

A tricksy drama in which misdirection and sleight of hand are both a part of the plot and a technique employed by the director to keep his audience guessing. Damian Nieman filled both creative roles and for some reason it’s his only film to date. He did well. The characters occasionally feel more written than real, but that's often par for the course in drama.
It follows a trio of card-cheating hustlers as they attempt to win big on a very exclusive poker game. As you’d expect, it doesn't go smoothly.
Being a fan of poker meant I very much enjoyed it. If the principal actors had tried harder to make the role their own it could've been even better.

3 dangerous games out of 5

Rocky Balboa (2006)

Rocky's had his share of comebacks, but none have been as staggering as Balboa; its emotional power eclipses even the first film (1976).
He's retired from the sport, half of his heart is missing, his son is estranged in all but name, and the shadow he casts when he walks by the places he used to thrive is bigger than him. But he retains his self-respect and keeps on keeping on, taking the punches that life dishes out like a true champion.
Paulie (Burt Young) is no longer the goofy comic relief that he became in the middle films. He's on hand to lend support and drive a bolstering wedge into the sentimental, sombre mood when it's most suited.

5 stirring winds in the basement out of 5

Rocky V (1990)

The Rocky series attempts to go full circle, returning the retired Stallion to his roots while acknowledging that changes have occurred since his rise to fame. It’s a decent idea, but it’s barely watchable at times. Seeing an absorbed, aged fighter trying to live vicariously through someone else is depressing for all the wrong reasons. We finally get to see him be a father for a while, too. However, the downside of that is having an angsty teen’s story sandwiched between the square peg in a round hole scenario.
The money-hungry manager in his limo is like a parody of a parody.
And what's worse, movie fight scenes are an art unto themselves, but in Rocky V they’re like blindfolded finger-painting with boxing gloves on.

2 hits for the home team out of 5

Rocky IV (1985)

I must've accidentally pickled up Rocky IV: Musical Montage Edition by mistake. Either that or the film single-handedly tried to define everything that was bad about sports movies in the 80s. It’s a flashy, spangly disaster that has many of the proper ingredients in place elsewhere, but the resultant pie fails to satiate. A dressing of political bullshit doesn't help.
Dolph Lundgren as Rocky’s opponent, Ivan Drago, gets to be one half of a USA Vs Russia approach that was handled clumsily. It was the first proper role for the Swedish actor, but he gets very little dialogue. He’s a puppet, whose on-screen wife would soon become Stallone’s real world wife.

2½ loud personalities out of 5

Rocky III (1982)

Being on top makes you a target, so all eyes are on Rocky, including the fierce, burning gaze of Clubber Lang. Clubber wants a shot at the title and he’s got the fire to make it happen. Rocky is ill-prepared, like a writer without a muse, but help comes from an unexpected source.
Before it gets good we have to suffer the farce of Rocky Vs Hulk Hogan and the woeful dialogue that plagues about half the film.
Burgess being the gruff manager is always fun, but what makes it worth seeing is the legendary Mr T. It’s the best performance I've ever seen him give and, in all honesty, he’s perfect for the role.

3 stars on the platform out of 5

Rocky II (1979)

A sequel to Rocky (1976) that was written, directed by and starred Sylvester Stallone. At first it seems as if he didn't do himself any favours by reusing the emotional high of the first film’s ending in the opening sequence, but the contrast of what follows sets the mind straight.
The fall back to reality is hard for the Stallion, who struggles with old fashioned values and the overpowering need to be a manly-man.
Heavyweight Champion Apollo Creed is sore, his pride not just his face, and wants a rematch, but Rocky rolls to the sound of a different bell.
In some ways it’s too similar to the original, but leave enough time between the two and you’ll feel the full impact of the story. The last half hour is superb stuff, and I don’t even like boxing!

4 greasy snarls out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 3 [2014]

Director Patrick Hughes reunites Sly Stallone and the boys for one last job (wasn't the first film "one last job"?) in the third and hopefully final Expendables film.

This time around Mel Gibson plays the big bad with a strong lack of enthusiasm that doesn't help the stale action scenes one bit.  Arnie has finally run out of bad one-liners and resorts to repeating a famous one, not once but twice.  Jet Li, who's known for his ass-kicking martial arts skills and not his wooden acting, only acts here.  I could go on forever with reasons why this film lacked but it's not surprising.
What was surprising was how much fun the second film was, which this one is nothing like.

1 choppa out of 5

Death Race 2000 (1975)

DR2000 is the Wacky Races in a fascist, dystopian society for adults, with added tits, violence, murder and a liberal dollop of very black humour, all of which put it categorically in the bad-but-good aisle of your local flea-infested second-hand video store.
It’s a no holds barred cross country car race in which points are scored for hitting pedestrians; children and the elderly are worth more. If it wasn't so colourful and satirically entertaining it’d probably be offensive.

3 bloody chalk lines out of 5

Staying Alive (1983)

Sylvester Stallone co-wrote and directed this story of a boxer dancer trying to make it big in the ring on Broadway. It's a sequel to Saturday Night Fever (1977) that picks up the story of Tony Manero five years after SNF ended. He's still a sexist prick, but the city is slowly changing him.
Beneath the leotards and leggings the Stallone influence is everywhere, from the cover art, where JT looks like he's playing Rambo in an am-dram production, right down to the way Tony the underdog delivers his Rocky-esque lines; the two men also appear to share the same barber.
There's less unintentional humour this time, but the last two minutes caused me to lose my shit and break down into painful hysterics.

2 playthings out of 5

Rhinestone (1984)

I genuinely expected to find Rhinestone on the IMDB bottom 100 list, but it's not there; that oversight will help me try to defend it. It really is bad, but it's supposed to be, I think, except when it's supposed to be good and is still bad. But a laugh is a laugh even if it's for all the wrong reasons, right?
Dolly takes a bet to turn loudmouth taxi driver Sly into a one-song Country singer. If Sly had been his usual slow-witted, underdog self and let the comedy slant of the script do its work things might've been different, but instead he TRIES to be funny and that almost ruins everything. He also sings and that's a whole other kind of comedy.

While looking at the Bottom 100 on IMDB I noticed that the director of this also holds the No. 1 spot! Jebus.

1½ happy trails out of 5

Judge Dredd (1995)

Stallone appears with jutting chin and less than nine minutes later the helmet comes off. It ceases to be a Judge Dredd film and instead becomes a Sly Stallone film with a comedy sidekick! There’s a decent amount of plot squeezed into the running time, but it’s full of inconsistencies and one-liners.
To be fair, it’s not all bad. Mega-City One was interesting, some of the Council of Chief Judges were good (especially McGruder) and the addition of Hershey was a nice touch, or it would've been if she’d not been there simply to hang some hurried plot advancements on. If you somehow make it to the end you'll witness the worst part. Even Walter the Wobot would be appalled.

1½ deceptions out of 5

BULLET TO THE HEAD [2013]

Sly Stallone and The Fast & The Furious' Sung Kang drive around killing people in director Walter Hill's Bullet To The Head, an adaptation of Alex Nolent's graphic novel Du Plomb Dans La Tete.
It's pretty much cinematic trash that seems like it was scripted by an uneducated adolescent with absolutely nothing worthwhile to say.  With films like these you would at least expect some sort of thought put into the kill sequences or the one-liners but there is none of that to be seen.  The film is simply void of any appeal whatsoever.

½ headshot out of 5

Rambo (2008)

A group of self-important Christian aid workers get themselves deep in real world shit and it falls to John Rambo to save their naive asses.
Be warned, right from the very beginning the fourth film in the franchise is brutally violent. Heads get torn in half by gunfire and limbs get tossed around like beers at a garden party. It’s shot in such a way that it doesn't gratify the brutality and it doesn't lead to desensitisation; the last kill is as horrific as the first. If violence upsets you, stay away.
It’s advisable to have watched Rambo I and II so you know how JR got to where he is emotionally. Doing so will help you fill in gaps and lessen the upset over the lack of properly defined motivation in this one.

3½ boat trips to hell out of 5

Rambo III (1988)

Rambo goes to Afghanistan.
Rambo blows shit up.

1½ enemies of America vanquished out of 5

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

This is what happens when you let James Cameron help write your screenplay. Rambo, now literally a one-man army, gets sent back into Vietnam on a half-assed top-secret covert mission that enables him to crank the action genre clichés to maximum, and beyond. He creeps and plods through a jungle that was better lit than my back garden on a summer night, before initiating a maiming montage.
It was even worse than I remembered. The only saving grace was the almost complete lack of Arnie style one-liners.

1½ exploding arrows out of 5