Convoy (1978)

A film based on a song doesn't exactly fill a viewer with confidence, but Convoy is a real gem; and thankfully it's the kind of sharp-edged diamond that cuts, not the kind that buys you a wife.

Rubber Duck and his cohorts spend life on the open road, under blue skies, answerable to no one except the law. Unfortunately, sometimes the law is crooked and action needs to be taken to defend personal freedoms.
Replace the trucks with wagons and the diner with a saloon and you have the kind of Western situation where men are men and anyone not part of the clique is considered suspicious. Logic says the thin plot and recycled motivations shouldn't work, but somehow they do.

3½ mad brother truckers out of 5

D-Tox (2002)

aka Eye See You

Sly plays an FBI agent who enters a remote detox clinic (not D-Tox, folks) exclusively for cops that resembles a desolate, gray-walled bunker level from an FPS video game. Which FPS? All of them. Once there, the film ceases to attempt building a potentially harrowing drama and descends into a piss-poor clone of Alien³ (1992 / 2003) and The Thing (1982), without an alien or a Thing. Instead, the threat is a serial killer content with living in a world dictated by horror movie logic.
The ‘retreat run by cops for cops’ screening process is questionable. To be fair, my own isn't much better. It wasn't until afterwards that I noticed the words ‘From the director of I Know What You Did Last Summer’ on the cover. If I’d seen that beforehand, I’d have chucked it in the trash sooner.

1½ snowy step processes out of 5

PAYBACK (Theatrical Cut) [1999]

Brian Helgeland makes his directorial debut with the violent action/thriller, Payback starring Mel Gibson as low-life criminal on the warpath for bloody vengeance. 

The film is noticeably lighter than the 2006 Director's Cut, by adding in a noir-ish voice-over narration, more humour and a vastly different final act.
If not for Gibson's knack for portraying the ultimate crazed "protagonist" with a taste for violence the film wouldn't be nearly as entertaining.  It's predicable and not much worth noting but it's always nice to see one of the bad guys become the one you're cheering for. 

3 boiled eggs out of 5

Millennium (1989)

A devastating plane crash leaves dedicated NTSB investigator Bill Smith with a mystery to solve. Was it the result of human error or a computer malfunction? To further complicate matters a second mystery walks into his life, but that one walks on high heels.
It takes a while to surface, but when it does the science fiction in Millennium doesn't hold back. Some very intriguing ideas share airspace with wild concepts and the film, from the director of Logan’s Run (1976), seemed as if it would be another classic. The final two minutes are stupid and put paid to that idea, but everything prior to it is quality.

3 late arrivals out of 5

Blade: Trinity (2004)

I can think of a dozen very good reasons why you wouldn't want to watch the third and (hopefully) final entry in the franchise. I’ll list the top three:
1. Ryan Reynolds.
2. Ryan Reynolds.
3. Everything else.
It’s also too long; it should have been cut by about 122 minutes.

0½ a vampire vibrator out of 5

DEADFALL [2012]

From The Counterfeiters director, Stefan Ruzowitzky comes the quiet and finely crafted crime drama, Deadfall.

It's a complex character study that's filled with depth, strong emotional conflict and plot threads that threatens to spiral out of control but all meets up in the end.  The plot is nothing too special but everything is strengthened by superb acting, beautifully cold photography and wonderful pacing.  The writing is so good and deeply layered, you actually find yourself caring about the murderers & criminals in the film but in a different way than Quentin Tarantino's glamorization of the crime life.  

3½ barbed wire fences out of 5

Blade II (2002)

About 50% of Blade II is devoted to noisy and nauseating fight scenes that get boring fast. Consequently, the other 50% leaves characterisation time almost nil. Everything that happens is much too convenient. There’s this guy and this other guy comes along and then ninjas and then this new guy needs a scene so he can get in a ten minute fight later.
The only joys I got from it was seeing Donnie Yen in bad eye-liner and recognising things that were clearly a trial run for Del Toro’s far superior Hellboy films.
I should mention also that, beyond all reasoning, Luke Goss was surprisingly very good.

2 doses of suckpuppy nut juice out of 5

Blade (1998)

The Taxdodger is the Daywalker. He kills vamps and strikes poses in dark shades; he doesn't actually need them, he just likes to look cool as he tears out throats with his bare hands. Most of the time he looks a chump.
If you scratch beneath the surface of Blade the plot, about a blood god that'll do something or other, I forget, it was dull, is terrible, really awful. If your expectations are adjusted well enough, however, it's entertaining for about 90 minutes; but the big showdown was a big letdown.

3 for Traci Lords with her clothes on out of 5

Planet of the Apes (2001)

I've read Pierre Boulle's original novel, watched all of the original films multiple times, and even the short-lived television series, so it's fair to say that I'm an Apes fan. I'm also a fan of some of Tim Burton's work prior to this, which makes reviewing his unnecessary remake all the more troublesome.
Pros: a great ensemble cast, Mr Elfman on score duties, Rick Baker's flawless make-up and the amazing costumes.
Cons: Everything else.
To date, it's Burton's worst film by far and a well-deserved winner of a Golden Razzie for worst remake. It's a travesty.

1½ spring-powered ape legs out of 5