Wayne's World 2 (1993)

After being shut out backstage at Aerosmith, Wayne resolves to create his own music festival called Waynestock, inspired by a vision of Jim Morrison and Field of Dreams ("If you book them, they will come"). Meanwhile, his girlfriend Cassandra's (Tia Carrere) new sleazebag producer (Christopher Walken) is looking to steal her from under Wayne's nose, while Garth gets involved with a mysterious woman named Honey Hornée (Kim Basinger).

Less well regarded than the original, it's neither as funny nor memorable, but if you love these characters, there's little to dislike. Other than that, it's more of the same with Wayne and Garth, and that's good enough for me. Party on.

3½ weird naked Indians out of 5

The Order (2001)

After an opening scene set in the year 1099, telling of the First Crusade in Israel, the film jumps to modern day Ukraine where Rudy Cafmeyer (Jean-Claude van Damme) is stealing something that he's no legal claim to. Later, after some poorly acted scenes, the charisma-vacuum goes on a quest to find his archaeologist father. There's an Israeli police lieutenant (Sofia Milos) who exists to be a helpful cliché, and, because it's 'movie' Middle East, a religious zealot (Brian Thompson) with a bomb who wants to start a Holy War.
In a way that the filmmakers likely hadn't planned, viewing The Order enriched my life, because I vow that the next time I see a film with JCVD as the leading man, I won't waste a single second of my time on it.

1 pleasure trip out of 5

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Luckily for Charlton 'Thou Shall Not Wear False Beards' wasn't one of God's laws, because the actor's face fur wouldn't fool a goat, much less a deity. But trappings aside, DeMille's epic is memorable for other reasons. Its scope is such that it feels like an event, a thing to behold as much as to enjoy.
It's a lavish production in which Heston dominates even when he's attempting to be humble; Brynner oozes a venomous charm as Moses' ambitiously jealous sibling; while the ladies captivate whether they be decked in finery or rags.
It rarely feels like it isn't staged every step of the way, even the on location scenes feel overly-managed, but it makes up for that with the large amount of sheer drama that it brings to the table. Only the last half hour lets the side down, wherein it rushes to deliver its concluding message.

4½ binding ties out of 5

El Cid (1961)

España in the year 1080 is split between Christian and Moor control. Life for the (English-speaking) citizens means choosing one side or the other. Don Rodrigo Díaz de Vivar (Chuck Heston) is one such man, but his actions are guided more by his own sense of right and wrong. As either God's chosen one or just a guy with the best and worst timing in all of Spain he rises above the rabble to become a symbol of strength, tolerance and unity.
The screenplay is excellent. Like in the slightly similar Ben-Hur (1959) passions run high in many forms, state and heart being the most memorable, with the dialogue in support of each being occasionally superb. Sophia's overacting early on is pretty terrible, but it's exaggerated for a reason.
When all is said and done, when El Cid resides in the hearts of the people he inspires, inside his own lives Spain and it's for love of it that he fights.

5 right arms out of 5

Ben-Hur (1959)

In the time of Jesus, two friends, one a Jewish prince and the other a Roman tribune, have their loyalties tested, divided by heritage and desires.

Famed mostly for its treacherous chariot race, the 1959 version of Hur does well with the heartbreaking elements of the story, too. The part of the novel that brought me to tears is absent, but it had so much ground to cover that something had to get cut. What remains is a journey by the resolute Judah Ben-Hur from riches to chains, and into the very heart of the thing that vilifies him. The biblical moments get more and more heavy-handed as the narrative nears its end, but it's something I've come to accept over the years.

5 gifts of water out of 5

The Omega Man (1971)

The second adaptation of I Am Legend (1954) isn't entirely faithful to its source, but it’s a classic of the genre, nonetheless.
The opening sets the tone perfectly: Heston cruising empty streets; timed long shots capturing and silently translating into imagery the way he feels; showing him as a small, solitary cog in a great, abandoned machine.
The way it drip-feeds information to the viewer is complemented by the benefits and harrowing realities of being the last man.
Rosalind Cash adds a beneficial 70s Harlem-culture sass to the overpowering, white, militaristic attitude that the gun-happy Heston exudes.
The enemy is more dangerous this time because it can rationalise its own situation, forcing us to ask the question: when the diseased outnumber the healthy, who should be counted as outcast?

4 cleansings out of 5

Bowling for Columbine (2002)

A documentary about the American public’s love of guns. For someone like me, who lives on the other side of the Atlantic, Moore’s carefully selected footage paints a horrifying picture of a culture out of control and so deeply entrenched in the mechanics of fear that they either can't or choose not to see the destructive reality they've created.
It'll make gun-haters even more aware of the depth of the malady, but there's also a danger that the film will strengthen the fears of gun-lovers and make them feel more justified in fulfilling their needs.
It’s been twelve years since the film‘s release; has anything really changed since then or are Moore's observations just as relevant?

5 correlations out of 5

In the Mouth of Madness (1994)

Pulp horror writer Sutter Cane has disappeared, and his readers are slowly going ape-shit; John Trent (Sam Neill) is drafted in to find an answer. His search leads him to a place called Hobb's End, a place that shouldn't exist.
Carpenter's most fantastical film is a blast of pure entertainment from start to finish. It’s the bastard child of a Lovecraft demon and a Stephen King protagonist running naked through film conventions in a loving homage wed to an astute parody of the horror genre as a whole. Sam Neill is fantastic, as always. My only criticism is that it should've been longer.

4 lucky shots to the balls out of 5

Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

The principal cast members return to their roles but don't get the same amount of screen time as before. It's not a problem, though, because James Franciscus is an excellent replacement for Heston as the leading man. He plays Brent, an astronaut who's sent into space to determine the whereabouts of Taylor, but, as improbable as it sounds, ends up in the very same place and time.
Overall, it starts good, the first half is excellent, but as the story moves to the 'Beneath' part of the title the film begins to follow suit. It adds a lot of new elements but somehow they lessen rather than enhance the narrative, and it culminates in a half-assed climax with some silly contradiction.

3½ silent affirmations out of 5

Planet of the Apes (1968)

The original ape movie that started the hairy ball rolling.
Charlton Heston is our guide. He's the everyman; albeit an everyman with a cynical disposition, a will of iron and some well-groomed chest-hair.
The story isn't just just sharp social commentary (including powerful observations on such topics as the crippling consequences of having a government that places science and religion in the same bed, and the murky moral waters that too much pride can place a people in), it's also cold, hard science fiction that holds a mirror up to modern life.
The retail DVD box has perhaps the most spoilerific cover ever created; someone needs shot for that. Just because it's old doesn't mean that everyone's saw it - someone, somewhere has yet to experience it.

4½ tennis ball lips out of 5

Planet of the Apes (2001)

I've read Pierre Boulle's original novel, watched all of the original films multiple times, and even the short-lived television series, so it's fair to say that I'm an Apes fan. I'm also a fan of some of Tim Burton's work prior to this, which makes reviewing his unnecessary remake all the more troublesome.
Pros: a great ensemble cast, Mr Elfman on score duties, Rick Baker's flawless make-up and the amazing costumes.
Cons: Everything else.
To date, it's Burton's worst film by far and a well-deserved winner of a Golden Razzie for worst remake. It's a travesty.

1½ spring-powered ape legs out of 5