Shelter (2026)

Oh, a new Stat is out? That must inevitably mean another year has elapsed.

This time, the bald avenger is in hiding as a lighthouse keeper (seriously, he's running out of cool jobs), where he comes to the rescue of a little girl and becomes her keeper (get it?). It's a minimalist paint-by-numbers plot with the usual generic action elements, and somehow MI6 always gets involved, but this time you actually care about the characters. Makes up for last year's POS.

Recommended for The Stath stans. Everyone else can take it or leave it.

2½ chess pieces out of 5

A Working Man (2025)

New year, new Statham.

This time he's a construction worker/ex-Marine who is tasked with recovering a missing girl and—you know what? It doesn't matter. Heads get bashed. There are a lot of people speaking in vague Eastern European accents. Bald goons a dime a dozen. This wasn't half as good as The Stath's last effort. It feels like it's being made for the lowest common denominator. The schtick is wearing thin. 

Tune in next time. Same Stath time. Same Stath channel.

1 tipped chair out of 5

The Beekeeper (2024)

A sweet old lady is the victim of a phishing scheme, scamming her out of millions of dollars from her charity fund. It's up to The Stath to come out of retirement, take names and serve up the swift justice only he knows how. 

I want to be Jason Statham when I grow up. He's been doing these same types of roles for 20 years and we're still watching them. I'm convinced it's just wish fulfillment because we all secretly fantasize about kicking everyone's ass. Honestly, it's cathartic just to see scammers get theirs. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed it, but what a generic storyline. At a certain point, all of these films are interchangeable.

For fans of Stath only.

2½ call centers out of 5

THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS [2017]

Director F. Gary Gray's The Fate of the Furious, the eighth film in the F&F franchise, shows no sign of the series wrapping up.
This time around Diesel's Dom has turned to the dark side forcing The Rock & The Stath to put their differences aside and work together to bring him down, while evading the walls of a prison, an army of cars and a nuclear submarine.
The film doesn't resemble anything that original films set out to do but that's alright because it's so god-damned fun.  There's plenty of laughs, both intentional and unintentional, jammed in-between the carnage-fueled action sequences.  Surpassing Jurassic Park and even Star Wars at the box office means there's no end in sight for the series but that's all right because the film's stars still seem to be having just as much as it's long-time fans are.

3½ hakas out of 5

Transporter 3 (2008)

The third film takes us back to sunny France (Marseilles), where Frank once again has an actual package to deliver. However, he's not happy about it, and in order to complete the mission his rules will have to be broken smashed.
To make matters worse, he has additional baggage in the shape of an unwelcome passenger. Her name is Valentina (Natalya Rudakova). She's designed to be annoying, and, by Christ, she is! 100%.
Dir. Megaton's idea of what makes a good action scene is choreographed moves presented as a clusterfuck of badly edited scenes thrown at the viewer's eyes at breakneck speed until there's only one man left standing.
As the film goes on the abominable editing begins to extend beyond the martial arts scenes, but it's even more unwelcome there. Sitting to the closing credits of T3 was a kind of self-inflicted punishment for me.

1½ addendums out of 5

SPY [2015]

Director Paul Feig's thriller/comedy, Spy, is as funny as it is violent, quite often simultaneously.
Melissa McCarthy plays a desk-bound CIA analyst who's thrust into the field to recover a nuclear device, much to the dismay of a far more experienced field agent, played by Jason Statham.
Whoever's idea it was to team-up McCarthy & The Stath knew it would work wonderfully, especially when both are sticking to what they do best, being the typical lost-in-luck American middle-aged white woman or the grunting hard-assed Pip-pip with a temper.
Instead of parodying the Bond/Bourne films, Spy simply inserts the fish-out-of-water character into the fold and runs with that, quite often letting the jokes create themselves along the way.  The number of characters gets to be a bit of a mess by the end of the film but it's a wildly entertaining and hilarious ride along the way.

4 Cranks out of 5

FURIOUS 7 [2015]

Horror movie director James Wan makes his first step into jaw-dropping actions films with the latest instalment of The Fast & The Furious franchise,  the tritely-titled Furious 7.
Dom, O'Connor & the rest of the family are back for, yet again, one last job, this time hilariously saving the world from Owen Shaw's nastier older brother.  Like it's predecessors, it lacks in brains, depth or a whole lot of thought-provoking substance but excels in ridiculous, but cheer-worthy action sequences, a sincere heart and an entertaining multicultural cast.  With Paul Walker's death looming over the film, it doesn't let up on the fun as the absurd action kicks into high-gear within seconds of the opening titles.  It's a surprisingly tasteful way to bid farewell to Walker's character, but, as of writing this, the film has passed the $1 billion mark at the box office which guarantees future rides from Diesel and the gang.

3½ Tokyo drifts out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 3 [2014]

Director Patrick Hughes reunites Sly Stallone and the boys for one last job (wasn't the first film "one last job"?) in the third and hopefully final Expendables film.

This time around Mel Gibson plays the big bad with a strong lack of enthusiasm that doesn't help the stale action scenes one bit.  Arnie has finally run out of bad one-liners and resorts to repeating a famous one, not once but twice.  Jet Li, who's known for his ass-kicking martial arts skills and not his wooden acting, only acts here.  I could go on forever with reasons why this film lacked but it's not surprising.
What was surprising was how much fun the second film was, which this one is nothing like.

1 choppa out of 5

DEATH RACE [2008]

Paul W.S. Anderson serves up a ladle of vehicular carnage crap with a prequel to the Roger Corman cult classic Death Race 2000.
Taking itself way too seriously and void of any sort of campy wit, Anderson's flick seems to completely miss what made the original film such a great guilty pleasure.  Instead it's nothing more than a headache inducing bore that resorts to uninspired juvenile video-game violence and characters so dull it makes Bayformers seem appetizing.

1 tombstone out of 5

HOMEFRONT [2013]

Director Gary Fleder's Homefront calls back to the moody action/thrillers of the '80's.
Written by Sylvester Stallone several years ago, it was originally intended as a Rambo. Star Jason Statham is given the chance to channel a softer side as he plays a family man here, while James Franco goes against his usual role as a violent drug lord.
Plotwise the film does absolutely nothing original in its genre and really is only saved by its main cast who all look like they're having a great time.  In the end, I'd call it a great renter for fans of The Stath.

3 explosive lights out of 5

REDEMPTION [2013]

aka HUMMINGBIRD

Jason Statham has been on a long run of exceptionally shitty movies so the dark, dirty and somewhat snarky Redemption (Hummingbird in the UK) is a welcome addition to his filmography.

Steven Knight (writer of Dirty Pretty Things & Eastern Promises) writes and directs this gritty crime-drama, paving the way for Statham's most impressive job as a genuine actor yet.  While the revenge/vigilante premise is nothing to write home about, it's the characters that matter here.  Both Statham and Agata Buzek insert the perfect amount of chemistry, heart and drama into this otherwise cold-hearted and calloused film.  The rhythm of the film is a little bit off and there's some questionable moments but in the end I found it to be pleasing nonetheless.

3½ red dresses out of 5

PARKER [2013]

Taylor Hackford steps a bit out of his comfort zone by directing his first "gritty" crime thriller, the Jason Statham vehicle, Parker.
The film starts off like it could be intriguing but quickly slides off that notion and gets painfully predictable and boring as it begins feeling slapped together and uninspired.  Surprisingly, Jennifer Lopez is the shining light here, as she serves as comic relief in tight skirts while The Stath is beginning to get just a little too comfy by never pushing himself to do anything but collect a paycheck these days.  In the end, the film is nothing short of boring and dull, with the exception of feeling embarrassed for The Stath as he tries to pull off a Texan accent.  Feck.

2 Fish camps out of 5

CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE [2009]

The Stath returns with Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam & others, for more frantic absurdity in Crank: High Voltage.

As silly and mindless as the first one is, this film pushes the boundaries even further and doesn't even try to use it's brain, which makes it even more a of good, sleazy & violent time.  Littered with cameos from Bai Ling, David Carradine, Corey Haim, a gaggle of porns stars and members of Nine Inch Nails, TOOL, Linkin Park and The Spice Girls. Crank 2 is the definition of quality schlock that goes out of it's way to make the sensible person loathe it. 

3½ strawberry tarts out of 5

SAFE [2012]

The Stath delivers an auto-pilot performance in Boaz Yakin's uninspired formulaic dud Safe.

Sooner or later action stars have to do the "save the annoying, smart-assed little kid" film.  It seems it was The Stath's turn to bite the bullet.  Feck.  My heart sank just reading the premise.

Quick, Stath!  Shoot the little bint in the head before she insults your intelligence again.

2 Staths On A Train out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES 2 [2012]

Director Simon West's sequel to the 2010 shitfest is surprisingly better than the original.

The Expendables 2 delivers the goods like a heavy dose of testosterone injected straight into the head and in the process killing most of your brain cells. The dialogue is predictably terrible, the plot is like a paint by numbers and the jokes are groan worthy, but it's so damned loud and violent you won't care.  

You'll hate yourself for loving this shit but if you're going to go with dumb then go with fun.

2½ hilariously high bodycounts out of 5

Transporter 2 (2005)

The Stath returns for a sequel that’s like the first movie but kicked into a much higher gear. He hasn't time to deliver any packages this time because he’s too busy busting bad guy's heads and breaking limbs, as his honour demands. He’s unstoppable, like a cocky T1000 with five o'clock designer stubble. It has a kinetic fight scene with a hosepipe that even the great Jackie Chan would swell with pride to be a part of. Teams Stath with Jason Flemyng again which was fun to see. My only criticism is that it’s too short.

3½ crazy stunts in high heels out of 5

The Transporter (2002)

Jason Statham transports packages from point A to point B with no questions asked, until one day the shit hits the fan and there are more than questions flying his way. It’s a typical Luc Besson penned comedy/action flick. The most amazing thing is that it makes any sense, because the people involved didn't speak the same language off-set. It had a French production, a Taiwanese actress, an English actor and a Hong Kong director. Nevertheless, it’s a fun, fast paced action romp, the kind of thing The Stath does best. Good times.

3 opportunities for Stath to rip off his shirt out of 5

GNOMEO & JULIET [2011]

Gnomeo & Juliet is Britain's failed attempt to jump on the Pixar & Dreamworks bandwagon.  

Instead of anything original, it's a blatant rip-off of Toy Story & Over The Hedge set to the classic Shakespeare play.  It's filled with bland dialogue, uninspired characters and predictable scene set-ups.  Such a disappointing waste of a near perfect cast.  There's not much here for anybody over 10 years old...and even then, there's so many better films for a 10 year old.

2 purple is the way to go out of 5

THE EXPENDABLES [2010]

Sylvester Stallone recruits a who's who list of other 80's action stars to kick some ass along side modern action stars.  The premise sounds like a healthy shot of guilty pleasure testosterone.

Only it's not.

Instead it tests the viewer's ability to not find something else better to do.  So many frustrating moments of half-baked action that could have at least resorted to some sort of interesting cliched conflict but never pans out into anything other than grunts & snorts over CGI blood.
Feck this wasted opportunity.

1½ for 3 cool fight scenes out of 5

Snatch (2000)

Snatch is a film about sub-cultures, a big ass diamond and crime. It’s Ritchie’s best. The editing is tight, the dialogue is punchy, the balance of comedy and drama is perfect and Brad Pitt gives the best damn Pikey performance I've ever seen. If you've ever had dealings with the tricksy bastards you’ll appreciate how well he did.
It’s similar in style to Ritchie’s previous film but much more polished. He clearly had more cash to play around with.  innie Jones isn't a natural actor, but here he convinces otherwise.

4 dags and a caravan for me ma out of 5